My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb

[Mouseyinmyhousey]

Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.

After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.

Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.

Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.

I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.

He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.

Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.

We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.

He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.

I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.

I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.

I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.

apols about typos!

Where to start on the sharing of crap relationships?

Well, there was J - I mentioned him upthread. He was in the army. I wasn't even that keen on him, but he totally manipulated the situation to go out with me - left tonnes of messages with my friend, seemed super keen, it sort of seemed a bit rude not to go out with him. Then the declarations that I was the best thing that had happened to him since his mum died (puhlease - cue more emotional blackmail). One day, he collected me from work (in my car that he somehow had managed to end up borrowing every day when I was at work). We had a routine of always going to the regiment bar on a Friday afternoon, and as we walked in that day, everyone shouted 'congratulations!'. He then proposed to me in front of everyone - and had told them all about it beforehand. Again, totally manipulative. I could hardly say no, could I? So there I was, feeling forced into marrying someone that I didn't want to. 2 weeks later, I came home from work one day, to find he had moved all of his stuff into my house, without even asking. He gave some explanation that permission to visit my house had been withdrawn, and he could only visit if it was down as his place of residence. WTAF. I told him he couldn't stay, and that I thought things were moving too fast. He didn't really care.

One evening I stopped with some colleagues on the way home from work for a drink. When I arrived home, there were numerous messages on the answer phone from him, demanding to know where I was (in the days before mobile phones). He was drunk and argumentative. I refused to discuss, and he then phoned constantly for hours and hours, which I didn't answer. He then turned up at the house (having driven there drunk) and started hammering on the door demanding to be let in. I was terrified, and was sat in the house in darkness hoping he would think I wasn't in. It lasted about 2 hours. He then climbed up to a first story roof and started to try to break in through the window I dialled 999 and police came and took him away. As he was being led away, I told him it was over and I never wanted to see him ever again.

He called and called, and threatened he was going to kill himself. He inundated my family with tearful begging calls, asking them to help me to see sense. He bombarded me with letters and cards, telling me I was making the biggest mistake of my life, and we were meant to be together.

I ended up moving house to get away from him, although I kept my old house and rented it out. The letters (to the old address) continued for years. I think the last one came about 5 years ago. It was almost 20 years ago that we went out. I still feel dread in the pit of my stomach when I see his loopy writing with the circles on top of the 'i's.

Mousey I suppose in a way, J was almost the polar opposite of your boyfriend, in that he was pushing for commitment, regardless of what I wanted, but there are similarities - basically, my feelings as an individual were completely irrelevant, it was all about what he wanted, on his timescale. The threats of suicide are particularly chilling, and I would urge you not to allow yourself to be manipulated by them. I earned quite a lot more than him, and J was the ultimate cocklodger. When I split up from him, friends and colleagues said that they thought I was mad for ever going out with him in the first place (he was quite rough around the edges). I felt like a complete mug and was so embarrassed that my character judgement was so completely out of whack.

But you live and learn. I wouldn't put up with that sort of shit these days. Looking back on it now, there were tonnes of red flags, but I was in my mid-twenties, and had never even heard the phrase 'red flag', let alone be able to spot them.

You have told him it is over - don't let him brow-beat you into caving in. Honestly, you (and your DC) deserve better, and it is worth waiting for.

Thanks for understanding springymater.

BIWI I think the thing is, it's only recently, probably the last 3-4 months, that I'm slowly beginning to realise about the control element. I've always been told that I'm the controlling one, simply for placing, or trying to place a few basic expectations on him! But I'm slowly starting to see the EA element to all this, and the control and power games.

But I am seeing it now.

Beryl, that's terrifying!

Bloody hell berylstreep that's crazy, thank you for sharing. Even though I've been pushing for commitment I haven't done anything like that! My ex (dc dad) was very much like that. My recent ex was the complete opposite, which I thought was a safe bet.

However with the both of them there is that undertone of completely not respecting my wishes, thoughts and feelings.

Mousey, that's what I mean - your wishes and feelings are not being respected at all. You are just a bit player in his drama. There is no element of mutual respect from him.

(Didn't mean to imply that you were like my nutter ex in pushing for commitment - not at all. )

I know, but I HAD to clarify that, I promise that I absolutely won't be writing to him in a years time let alone 10

In all seriousness though that story is very, very scary.

I just want to add my wells one's to you. you've started the end now, so it would be a major step back to have him back and you'd just have to go through this another time when you do finally get rid. you will, you know, so there is no point wasting another 6 months or whatever of you & dC's lives playing this out. accept it will be a hard few weeks but know it will then get a lot better. maybe quicker than that.

will return

sorry, small child climbing on me.

it never ceases to amaze me when I read these stories on mumsnet and then see how quickly people get on with their lives after leaving or being left by really rubbish partners. there is a lot of inspiration there for you.

I've got a bit of a story I'll share. boyfriend of 4 years, never really nasty but def not comittted. lots of talk about how he would marry me definitely but not yet.. we lived together although that was because I forced him to after we came back from an extended trip overseas and the location suited him better than his parents house. however , like your one, he spent a lot of time disappearing off for days or weeks, mostly to his parents. wouldn't answer the phone, took annual leave without saying, and most embarrassingly often stood me up at parties, weddings, family meals. I made excuses for him - depressed, shy etc but it didn't matter if he was or not - he had no respect for me and he showed me

that a million times. he also had weird obsessions with food and exercise, often we went out then he "forgot" his money etc. a lot of it was not that bad in itself but together was a whole catalogue of crap.

when I look back now I don't care what his problem was or if he behaved unreasonably, I just know he wasn't right for me and I am a million times better off out of it, with dh, dd, friends a social life and no financial surprises.

I just told him one day we are having a trial separation - he stayed with his parents as I had nowhere else to stay and all furniture was mine. I never let him back in, refund him his share of the deposit (he was lured by the money) and put his stuff out at an agreed time and day. he didn't come so I rang his mum and told her he was expected and it looked like rain. he showed up. he basically left me alone after that luckily.

it is hard so hard to get out of it but once the relief kicks in you know you won't go back.

now line up some different and cheap things to do with your weekend and get busy! it is hard if he was part of your family life but you will get there.

remember whether he is a bad guy or not (he is BTW), it doesn't matter as he is not right for you in any case.

Mousey, you are doing so well. Seeing the power games is a big step.

What is different this time is that you can see much more clearly what he is doing - don't try to understand it, it's so abnormal that you won't be able to - and the other difference is you are talking about it here.

Have you read some of the threads on this Relationships board? You know that if you take him back that will be you in X years' time.

Use the people around you in rl to keep yourself on the right path, remember how you want your son to be when he's grown up, see if you can get on the Freedom Programme or see a counsellor, and KEEP POSTING.

We will be here holding your hand. Encouraging you.

Mouse,I have been following your thread and wondering whether to post. I mainly lurk these days and have nc'd,but I had a lot of help and support here a few years ago when I left my narc xp while pg with dd.

I met " M " when dd was 4 mo. xp has never had any contact. I have older dc and we were all glad to meet a quiet,gentle ,kind man who,after a few months, enjoyed spending quiet weekends with us.Walking,cooking,watching tv. I thought he was so sensitive and supportive as he took things slowly,and at my pace while I bf dd,and eventually went back to work ft.He listened to stories of the awful things I had been through with xp,and was like a breath of fresh air,making us laugh,going camping and on picnics.

He lived 30 miles from us. As time moved on,I got stronger. I expected things to progress. After a year,he was still only visiting at weekends,and by now,often cancelling at the last minute due to tiredness,a busy week etc. I had still not met any of his friends or family. But he "doted " on dd,and when I got upset about being let down ,he would say how he was afraid at how quickly his feelings had developed,how he was deeply in love with me and wanted a future with us,but was overwhelmed by all that had happened in my life,how it was "a lot to take on".

I was wary of getting close after xp. I felt proud of maintaining my independence .I assumed we would grow closer and more sure of one another in time.

From there,reading your thread has been like reading the story of my own experience.
Only,I moved to his town. I had the chance of a job and took the chance of a new start,away from the memories of xp. M never said don't. But,looking back,he never said do,either. What he did,was to blame all our "difficulties" - in fact,anything I expressed - on the distance between us,how it was impossible to develop further when we could only meet at weekends.

As soon as we moved,it got worse. He was five minutes away,but "needed his space",so I couldn't ring him ,let alone drop in,unless it he'd invited me. We actually saw less of him than we had before,but he ramped up the promises and declarations of love and a future.

Back then - 2 years ago now - I thought I was with my life partner. Like you,I thought I was putting unreasonable pressure on him,asking a lot. I was grateful for what I did get. He was comforting and easy to be with - when he chose. But he chose on his own terms. I started to get angry ,and then he would disappear for a week or so,or let me down at some important occasion like a holiday or a birthday. Then ,after a long gap,he'd appear again as if nothing had happened,all cheerful,with a meal or a trip planned. I'd be so glad of the break in routine,the attention,that I'd happily pick it all up again,and tell myself it was understandable that he would take a while to get his head around my complicate past and big family.

I ended it last autumn ,meant it,posted on here. We were apart from Sept ember until Christmas. Then ,I felt sad at the thought of him alone in his house. Dd asked for him all the time. I remembered previous Christmases . I invited him for dinner. He immediately behaved as if nothing had ever happened. And he still wouldn't talk about it. If I expressed anything at all,he would say how we "had such a good thing" and how he'd "never been so happy". I tried to tell him that we weren't back together,it was just dinner. But he kept turning up and I fell back into the old routine,feeling really uncomfortable,but as if it was my own fault!

I blocked him in mid Feb. I have been NC since then. It has been,and still is,lonely and strange. He did as much of a number on me as xp. But somehow,the violence and overt EA were easier to distance myself and recover from.With M,I thought I had at last found a "normal" man. A kind,gentle partner. But he was utterly unavailable.And just as controlling as xp.

Dd misses him. I miss the fantasy of a caring partner. He still texts and emails as if we are still exactly as we were. I never answer,and find reading them strengthens my resolve . It is completely bonkers and disrespectful of him to behave like that,and proves that he never was who I thought in the first place.

I am in my late 40's and have grown up dc as well as a 4 yo. I am unlikely to find anyone else now. I don't think I could be bothered tbh.

You are doing the right thing here. These men are very hard to unstick from. There is fantastic advice on here,keep posting. I wish you all the best xxx

janna thank you ever so much for sharing that. I'm sorry and angry that he acted like that. But it's comforting to know that people can relate to my situation, as it feels somehow unique. And you're totally right, it's harder to deal with than obvious/physical abuse, because you know for sure that's wrong, but this sort of behaviour leaves all sorts of unanswered questions. And good for you for putting a stop to it, I hope I can be as firm.

Jux these weekend evenings are hard, and this is only the first one. We'd usually be cuddled up on the sofa now laughing at Eurovision or something, feel a bit lost. I don't mind at the minute because it's nice to have a few nights to myself, but I know it will get harder before it gets easier.

I've downloaded 'Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl' on my kindle, I just can't quite believe how predictable his behaviour has been, despite the fact that I always thought he was unpredictable.

Got a bit teary earlier, my aunt passed away recently unexpectedly, I hadn't seen her for a few years, no real reason other than not making the effort, thinking she'd always be there. I adored her when I was growing up, and we had lots of shared interests, I was on a local history site which she used and she'd posted on a lot of the threads. Made me a bit choked up and I wished she was here now as I'm sure she'd have some good wise advice for me.

The positives for me here is that I think I have finally accepted that there is never going to be that future for me and him, and that even worse than that, I cannot continue to tolerate his lies and games.

It was bordering on funny when we had our conversation last night.

He told me he'd had the week off to sort his garden out (fair enough), he keeps saying he needs to sort the garden so that he can move in with me (hmm). Then he told me he'd started to gravel a drive in the back garden, now that won't mean a lot, but at the house he has an external garage and drive, the garage houses the sports car, the drive his van and he sticks his car in the garden, currently on rubble. So the fact that he's gravelling another drive in the garden tells me he's only getting more comfy, not doing the garden to leave!

I forgot to mention in my earlier posts, the time when we got back together and he co purchased my car with me, he also insisted, despite me saying there was absolutely no need, on bringing his almost brand new, very expensive sofas over to my place, to prove that he was in the process of moving in, leaving himself with just a table and futon, I told him there was no need at all but he insisted and said they were better at mine anyway as he's there more, and will be living here soon anyway, so he did. Bizarre? He isn't rich either.

Mousey! What is your belly feeling telling
U!!! Normally
Belly feelings are
Never wrong

It's not saying a lot

Anyone want to talk, feeling really glum this morning, think it's sinking in.

What is it you're feeling the lack of? Him? The idea of being in a relationship? Couply weekend activities?

mousey have a look at the EA thread if you want. We are all unravelling Fuckwit spaghetti-head on there. And you are experiencing the well-known 'roller-coaster of emotions', by the sound of it, to which the usual advice is, just ride it out...

Hi madbuslady love your name btw. Sorry if I'm droning, this is the difficult part though.

I'm just missing the usual routine and the affection the 'us', so usually today we'd take it in turns to make the other one a coffee in bed, while the other sorts dc breakfast and takes dc swimming and goes to the shops to get lunch. We'd usually wind each other up about who's turn it was and joke say 'your coffee was too strong yesterday so your turn didn't count'. You get the picture. Erm, then a day like today we'd likely be in the garden or go to a park or something.

All of these things I can easily do by myself with dc, but you know, I miss another adult, the banter.

We were also very affectionatte, so I miss the physical contact, hugs, kisses, joking around chasing eachother about, having another adult to laugh with, all of which I wouldn't miss only for the fact that I know he's not coming back, so it's the thoughts that this will be the same next, week, and the following.

I'm upset I suppose that he hasn't magically come round and changed, not that I really expeced he would, but I've heard little from him, a couple of texts saying 'we can't split up as he knows he'll come good' which I ignored, and asking if he can come over and see me, which I just responded 'no it's definitely over'. Not that I think this will be the last I've heard, but who knows.

I've got lots of things to be getting on with, but everything feels a bit pointless right now (not dc of course), it's hard to explain.

Going to go to the cinema this afternoon as here's a film dc wants to see. But just generally feel a bit lost. I'm actually looking forward to going to work. The week will be easier as I will be so busy.

Hi Mousey, just hang on in there. Are there any interest groups local to you that you could join- Gingerbread (?). What are you interested in and is there anything you could go to with or without your DC- Wildlife trust, church if you are into it can have local activities. Anything like that might help.

I will have a look silvery I've been here before, the first few weeks are always so hard, then it eases up a bit, before getting a bit worse again, usually by which point he's begging me back and I go.

I'm not as bad as I have been before, I'm not sobbing or distraught, but I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

I guess it's either because I've woke up to it all, or because I'm masking my emotions...

officer there's loads of stuff I want to do, with and without dc, but it's all that that feels a bit pointless right now.

Which is either hopefully just a temporary feeling, or a very bad sign that I was relying on ex to validate me, I fear it's the latter.

It's understandable that it feels pointless. I felt I had a hole in my life that needed filling, when I left my ex. (I had made him too important in my life and he had taken up more 'space' in it than was healthy!) I started thinking about what my interests had been and hauled my arse out and started trying new things, even if in the early days I was offloading my feelings to whoever would listen! Gradually I got better and had new interests and new friends. It was difficult, but got easier as time went by.