My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb

[Mouseyinmyhousey]

Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.

After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.

Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.

Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.

I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.

He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.

Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.

We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.

He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.

I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.

I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.

I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.

If he comes round, phone the police.

It is a criminal offence to harass people in this country. Unwanted text messages are also harassment and he can be either arrested or given "words of advice" by the police.

You'll never get a decent man while he's hanging around, he's living his life like the soaps he watches as my dh would say.

If you are an idiot then so was I and a whole bunch of others because we've all made the same mistake.

And we do all see its not as simple as him being crap to you, because we really have been there too..

I hang my head in shame when I think back but I did work out how to be a better judge of character in the end

For what it's worth, I think he does want to stay with you but I think that's because you have always allowed him the freedom to come and go as he pleased. Why would he want to change what has been a perfect relationship for him?? He's had his cake and he 's eaten it too, with you

He's committed to getting his own way, is all :(

He doesn't understand love as you do. So his attachment to you doesn't carry the same meaning for him, as it does for you, or your mum. It's not just sex on tap with a raw cost/ benefit analysis either - it's more complex than that, but not a normal or healthy relationship by any stretch of the imagination.

In time he will meet someone else and treat them equally badly, because men like him are not capable of changing. Maybe that is a small consolation, I don't know

Well if anyone wants to share their crap relationship tales... might makes me feels a bit better and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

You're right shipwrecked, he has hasn't he? Got to play at being the good boyfriend and the family man, he's had all the nice bits but still gets to keep his single bloke life when he chooses, which is what he chooses. And I've always been here with open arms to take him back.

I do like the advice about being on your own for a bit. You deserve to spend time finding out bit about yourself and who you are.

Read this I think that's the link Yoni meant?

"*Relationships require a leap of faith and quite frankly, when a guy doesn?t see a future with you, or isn?t prepared to try, he?s not willing to take a leap of faith and put in the effort, the emotion, and the commitment.

However?plenty of men will coast, put in just enough effort (or may even get away with throwing in crumbs) and still enjoy the fringe benefits of a relationship with someone who believes that they?re going somewhere.*"

Please don't get too caught up in worrying about the ifs regarding him finding someone else. I did that for aages with my ex, even though I was miserable a lot of the time with him, and it kept me stuck in the relationship, and then stuck with moving on from him, to my detriment. Instead focus on you and your future (and your dc's) and think of how happy you'll be in a year/however long in the future when you don't have to fret about the why's (why is he constantly making excuses for not moving in with me?) and the what ifs (what if he ruins this holiday? What if he moves in and then buggers off without so much as a courtesy text?)

FWIW I think you're really smart, and strong, for being able to make the right decision.

I of course don't wish it on anyone wordy. But I would not like to think it's me that's the problem.

I've sort of got to the point though where I know it's not me.

While that baggage reclaim article is extremely true, it is, at this point in time, rather depressing.

It the Natalie Lue book any good?

Well done you for seeing the light. A strategy for the next time he tells you he's going to commit suicide is to inform the police/authorities and let them deal with him. He won't try that manipulative bullshit with you again after that.

He's saying all this crap he thinks you want to hear just because he can, it's fun for him to have you at his beck and call.

It's not you, he's a grade A Arse!

Oh god mousey, a good friend of mine had one of these men.

Yy to the grand gestures to show her and the world what a great guy he was. But then yy to the shitty day to day treatment.

I'd have a partner who was nice in all the small ways any day than one who bought me presents or drove me across the country from time to time.

My friend's partner would do a lot of the driving, odd job type favours. but it was because he LIVED for cars and DYI. God he was so dull.

The only way she could get away was to do something so awful that there was no going back - she found OM. Even then, the partner didn't half have a good go at getting her back - suicide threats etc.

He was pretty abusive and controlling to her, and one of the problems towards the end was that he'd suddenly decided he no longer wanted children. Guess what was the first thing he did when he finally realised she was not coming back? Yes, he found a new GF and got her pregnant asap. He knew some of her family members were still on his FB account and must've enjoyed posting that scan picture up. Totally worth creating a new life for that lovely feeling of control back again for 5 seconds.

So yes, your dickhead might move on to someone else and very publicly do all the things he wouldn't do for you. But it's all for show and only deserving of your pity.

Gosh, I have got to have a plan of action. I cannot for a single day more live in the hope (and I still am) that he might wake up one day and feel differently, that me leaving might shock him into changing.

He's shown me he's no good for me, and I've only listened to the bits I wanted to hear.

I mean just regarding his family, they are desperate to get to know me more, and he has let me a little, when there's been a family meal and he's needed me there. But despite his mum practically begging to let her look after dc so boyfriend and I could go out, he's never taken her up on the offer, despite her constantly hint, hinting that were all welcome round any time for dinner, he's avoided it.

What's going to end up happening is I'll either be so destroyed I'll end up having some kind of breakdown, or he'll leave me for someone else, or dc will be so damaged dc will go on to have terrible adult relationships. I'm getting tearful typing this, because I know how awful all this is.

But I need a plan of action and it's got to be something more than I've done before.

His stuff, I've asked him what he wants me to do with it, leave it outside. He just kept saying were not splitting up. So bin it?

I need to start to enjoy my life with dc, it's hard because I'm used to doing so much as the 3 of us. I haven't got loads of money to do anything big, so small things to keep myself cheerful?

Ways to stop waiting and wondering when he's going to make contact?

yes absolutely. if he pulls the suicide stunt call 101. 999 is probably an over-reaction given he has no intention of following through.

the grand gestures are a down payment for the crap he's dished out / is going to dish out.

he knows he's acted atrociously and they are to assuage his conscience as well as buy goodwill for more crap.

because he makes a grand gesture, doesn't mean he's a changed man and he's going to do things right from now on. it gives him a license to continue as he has been doing.

'yes i'm being an arsehole right now, but i did give you that bouquet of flowers and swear on my knees that you're the best thing for me. so that makes it all alright.'

a good, kind person doesn't need to do these grand gestures because they have nothing to atone for.

it's all for show and indebtedness.

Certainly, I would leave a message that his stuff will be outside for collection on such and such a date...and that if he fails to collect you will assume he doesn't want it and dump it. He thinks he has power whilst the stuff is still there.

Little things to keep cheerful is good. I found my ex had been slowly cutting friends out of my life. so I took a lot of pleasure in meeting up with them (nothing expensive) and marking it on my calendar to show how full and fabulous my life had become!

x-post

'he'll leave me for someone else'

YOU have left HIM.

bin up his crap and drop it off at his place or his mum's place, even better. get your family to help you with this if you need.

then take stock. spend time with your ds this weekend. go out to parks, see a movie. then think about what you would like to do with your spare time. hang out with your friends and family.

you're not ready for another relationship. not for a good while. and this one is over so you need to adjust to being single for a while.

Sorry if it depressed you Mousey. That wasn't my intention, it was more the stuff about 'coasting' that I thought could give you clarity on why he was acting, and more strength to firm your belief that separating yourself from him for good is the best thing for you.

Don't be sorry ladyjadie it's only depressing because reading and nodding along to those articles makes me have to face reality, when somewhere along the way I'm probably still kidding myself.

I've read Natalie Lue's stuff before, and she's spot on, but tells some harsh truths that people don't always want to hear.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/what-keeps-you-up-a-night-pondering-whether-theyre-a-better-person-in-a-better-relationship-without-you/

That's the one I meant. Only read it if you feel up to it though OP. You have to do this at your own pace.

Thats

Plan is a great idea :) I won't be around much today but probably later this evening if you want a hand.

Whoops sorry Yoni. I know what you mean Mousey, I wish I'd had her stuff to read when I was miserable over ex, but honestly woould have been too raw (a couple of bits still hurt to read even now)

Hugs (because everything I wrote then deleted was rubbishly clichéd)

Ok plan..

How old is DC? Are they at school?

Do you work?

Does DC spend any time with their DF?

DC is 5 and at school, I do work yes and no ex is not around at all.

I just need to do something different to what I usually do, especially to focus on myself and keep no contact. As whatever I have tried before obviously hasn't worked for me.

I really feel for you. The pain of this comes through the page.

He doesnt think its over because youve done this before but youve gone back. he thinks all he has to do is bide his time - he doesnt even take this seriously any more, the breaking up.

He is emotionally abusing you. It is likely you accept this shit because it was modelled by your dad (sounds simplistic but usually the case). Then your sister had/accepted the same shit and, lo and behold, her bloke came round: the fairytale. Well, I can't know what's happening with them but it looks like you've been basing your shit relationshp on that: some day your prince will come and will love you and be true to you. etc.

This happens, mind. People have good, solid, loving relationships. So its not unrealistic to want it. Just that you're not going to have it with him. That couldn't be more clear.

I relate to you saying it's an addiction - abusive relationships are often addictive. Have you had any therapy? I'd recommend a good dose - a few years, if poss. Get all the shit out and get it re-ordered. You could also try the Freedom Programme Don't be fooled that your relationshp is less abusive than physical abuse - emotional and mental abuse is just as, if not more, painful and damaging.

I really feel for you. You sound absolutely lovely. The right man - not him! - would be so lucky to have you.

The way he keeps you hooked in is by promising what you long for (and it's completely normal to want it). So cruel of him tbh.

The thing is, though, Mousey - sorry to say this - this isn't about love. He doesn't really love you. It's about control. He loves to control you.

And now, you are realising that you need to take control. But you have to do this all the time. Don't ask him anything any more - TELL him

So don't ask what to do with his stuff, tell him what you re going to do with it.

He is realising that his grip on you is slipping, and so he will work/fight hared to re-exert that. Which is what you have to both recognise and resist.

You are the one in charge now, not him!