My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb

[Mouseyinmyhousey]

Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.

After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.

Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.

Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.

I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.

He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.

Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.

We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.

He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.

I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.

I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.

I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.

Yep, he sounds like the type to hound you until you give in, as a first resort - because you're easy and comfortable and, again, he knows that you "work" together (from his perspective at least) and it's the path of least effort for him (that's what I mean by easy btw, not anything else). Once he realises that he's not going to win you over this time, he will probably try to replace you with someone else, and he won't waste much time looking.

That is massively simplified, of course, and is probably largely unconscious on his behalf.

Think that's my worst fear youbotts, that he will just replace me with someone else, and probably do all the things he wouldn't do with me

And when he does, mousey, you will have moved on further and realise what a massively lucky escape you had.

Pity the next girl, don't worry about envy. Even if he does all the things he wouldn't do with you he'll still be crap at them because he is fundamentally a selfish bastard who couldn't give anything to anyone unconditionally ever.

One of our relatives went through this, it wasn't a lack of commitment but a lack of keeping his trousers on. 20 years it went on for with all of us seeing that he wasn't going to change.

When it did end for good he was still expecting to be able to come back 2 years later.

He is with someone new but also cheats on her too.

If he did replace you with someone else, even if he married them, he sounds like he would just continue to blow hot and cold with them, even if they were a doormat. Count yourself lucky that you have escaped from that uncertainty. Now stop concentrating on what he does/did/might do/will do (I know it's hard) and concentrate on yourself. Go out and do something nice for yourself.
Stay strong. There are plenty of nice blokes out there and you will meet one when you are happy.

I think I'd be too scared to meet someone else after all this. Not only because I don't want to be that woman who has a string of blokes coming and going in dcs life,.but because I'm seemingly a terrible judge of character.

... by which time, Mousey, you will have found somebody that deserves you and who will do all those lovely things with you and your DC

He is not worthy of you

You need to keep repeating that to yourself

You might benefit from doing some self-analysis about why you chose to stay so long with someone who treated you that way. I speak from experience, ten years or so later. I benefitted from counselling to find out why I related to men the way I did.
You don't have to go out with a string of blokes. Just be a bit cautious and put yourself first (and your dc) for the foreseeable future and get your life back on track.

This is really bad BIWI, but I think when I met him my self esteem might have been really low.

I wasn't eating properly because I thought I was fat despite the fact that I'd never been overweight. I was living on two cans of coke at one point and had lost a ridiculous amount of weight. I'd come out of a horrible controlling relationship. Ex wasn't my usual good looking jack the lad loud type. I was so glad to have met someone who wasn't loud and shouty, who seemed to really like me and made all the right noises, I probably missed a lot of red flags early on.

I agree with Officershitty's post. You need to 'rebuild' yourself after this relationship, not only to try and work out why you have let this man (and your previous one) treat you so badly.

But more importantly, you and DC need to enjoy being free from this, and just enjoy the relationship that you have with each other. You need (and deserve) to be happy!

I mean very early on, he wouldn't see me on a weekend because he'd go out with mates. Fine, but after a bit I said this is just ridiculous, I can't date you if we cannot even spend one weekend night together. He then fell out with all his mates sharpish, which wasn't what I wanted at all. But he told me if he didn't stick to all their night's out they wouldn't speak to him.

The one friend he has continued to speak to I've only been allowed to meet once in four years, as they don't introduce girlfriends.

All pathetic.

It's simple! He doesn't want to move in! Or be with u by the sounds of things! He doesn't care! Find yourself, think of the kids and dump the fucker!!! Your damaging
Yourself and the kids by allowing him to manipulate and dictate !!! It sounds like ur happy to be pushed around by him sad really

I know, I know what I have to do.

It's going to be strange for a while though as I'm so used to being in a relationship, albeit a crap one.

There's a baggage reclaim article called something like "When you're afraid they will move on and be a better person in a better relationship without you" - it's very good and I found it helpful. It's difficult for me to link on my phone, perhaps someone could google for me?

Definitely if you meet someone when your self esteem is low it is very difficult for you to see that they aren't actually that good for you. Also perhaps sometimes there is an element if almost choosing someone who's rubbish - sort of "I'm a screw up, you're a screw up, let's be a screw up couple in a screwed up ttlariobship together." But that doesn't make it your fault. If anything, if he was all sorted when you got together and you weren't in a good place, he is the one at fault since he should have recognised that you weren't in a good place for a relationship!

Or the other explanation is that he's a kitten-rescuer, he saw you struggling like a kitten stuck in a tree and he thought he'd be kind and help you down. But then he has been expecting you to stay a little helpless adoring kitten for ever and when he sees your true nature (the wild, free tiger you were always going to grow up to be) he doesnt like it and tries to squash you back down into that kitten role again because it makes him feel important and safe. (sorry, I like metaphors!)

Please stop analysing what he did/said etc. I wish you all the best but from all your posts you sound a bit like me 10-15 years ago (eating issues/ abusive relationship etc) . Please get some help in order to get away from this man and to learn how to protect yourself from choosing unsuitable men.
This may involve looking at yourself a lot and finding ways to increase your self esteem, from looking at what your childhood, teenage years were like, why do you have low esteem etc, if that is the case. Why do you let guys treat you in a certain way. All this may or may not apply to you but I hope I've been helpful to you here.

I just have on dc thistlelicker. And I'm not happy to be pushed around, but if you read all my posts he has made a lot of promises, which I believed, wanted to believe.

And I know the relationship is damaging to dc and myself which is why I'm doing something about it. However it isn't an easy thing to do, for me anyway when I'm not only up against missing someone, who despite everything we have had many good times, and also him making promises.

I have read all your posts! You have allowed this man to so these things
To u and ur child! You took him back! Admitting u didn't /
Couldn't move on! He doesn't offer u a future! He's happy to have cake and crumbs! A meal when it suits him! U get nothing u want from him- commitment! He isn't commuted to u! Not after 4 years!

Well I'm clearly a complete idiot

Continue to stand up for yourself! Stick your ground. U found the courage! See it through! You will get there :-)

You are NOT a complete idiot, or an idiot, or anything else. You are caught up in a painful situation and making an effort to get yourself out of it. All the best. You will get there.

You're not an idiot. You are a lovely person who gave him the benefit of the doubt , and why wouldn't you. Maybe it's just hard to understand for some people who see everything as black and white, it's not, of course.

No text speak! Please!

Mouse - you are not an idiot at all. You have been treated very badly and your self esteem has suffered as a consequence.

And you have demonstrated courage and insight already on this thread. It's hard to move on, and you can see that. You are also beginning to realise how horrible your partner is. This is about him being an idiot, (as well as a horrible person), not you.

Mouse, no way are you an idiot. Please don't let that thoughtmtake any space in your head. It is quite clearly untrue. We can tell that just from your posts in this thread.

Can you get another sim for your phone. Chuck the one you have now and don't give him the number of the new one. That is a definitive way of a) protecting yourself and your son from your ex's cajoling and b) telling the ex that you mean what you say, without having to speak to him any longer.

You can also block emails.

You need to build a firewall around yourself at the moment.

If he turns up in rl just tell him that if he doesn't go away you'll call the cops.

Mousey, what plans have you got for today?

Thanks all, I do feel a right idiot when I think back over it all. I'm really grateful for all the supportive posts, I just wish people could see that it's not always as simple as he's crap, get rid. Of course it is that simple, but if it was then surely noone would ever stay in crap/abusive relationships would they? Sometimes your heart rules your head and all that.

Talking it through s so helpful, but I know I'm the only one who can take the stand.

In the past when I've tried to end it I've tried everything, I've changed my phone number, but he's come round, rang house phone and I've caved. I don't particuarly want to change my number again so I've done things like left my sim at my mums for a few days and stuck a payg in, sounds crazy I know, but it's just so that I could get some headspace and not have to or be tempted to read his daft texts and calls. Emails not really a problem as I just blocked them, infact I don't think I unblocked him when we got back together. I've completely ignored him for over two weeks before, I've left my phone switched off in a drawer or upstairs, that was when he started saying he was going to hang himself from a tree and I felt awful.

Then what I end up thinking is, if he didn't love me, if he wasn't commited, he would just give in and go meet someone else. See the pattern? And that's why I over analyse, and as someone said try to relate this to a normal situation, because I think, why would he do that?

He's even got my mum and sister baffled who I've spoke to about it all. They don't particuarly like him, but can't understand it all, because they've seen the way he is with me, the nice things he does. My mum once said if he was only after sex on tap it would have been cheaper for him to hire a prostitute.

My resolve probably lies in stopping trying to analyse it all myself.

Unfortunately I'm getting busy cleaning the bathroom and kitchen today, would much rather be doing somthing nice. But if I get it all out the way at least I can tomorrow.