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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When you are in it you don't see it as abusive do you?

78 replies

Orangeandpineapple · 15/05/2013 15:54

I have changed my name.
I posted my dilemma before with regards to my marriage of 27 years. Husband is controlling, negative, moody and just miserable. We usually have a week or so of him being ok. Then a small drama will result in him swearing and slamming about.
When he gets in a real mood he throws things, calls me names etc. (has called me c word) or refuses to talk to me and calls me idiot)
3 grown up children only youngest at home.
Finances controlled solely by him. I am sahm. No joint account.

Everyone of your replies to my situation said ltb and that I was being abused. I couldn't see it. Even now I think is it really that bad? It's not bad all the time. But sometimes it makes me cry and depressed. Probably at least twice a month something happens which causes upset.

My family are holding their breath waiting for me to leave him. But I start making excuses as to why I am still here. I feel sorry or him.

Does anyone else feel the same. What Did you do?

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/05/2013 15:58

Why do you feel sorry for him?

ThingummyBob · 15/05/2013 16:03

Its hard to see when you are bogged down in the midst of it all, I agree.

Its never an overnight transformation either. It is (usually imho) a chip. chip. chip. chipping away of your entire self worth.

I was having relationship counselling, they suggested separate sessions, and the counsellor literally had to spell it out to me Blush

It still took a while for the realisation to dawn on me exactly how badly abused I had become Sad

worldgonecrazy · 15/05/2013 16:05

I stuck with my husband because I thought it was normal. Then one day I was crying in the bathroom, looked in the mirror and had a moment of revelation. Seriously, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

You are the only person who can change your situation.

Original poster
Orangeandpineapple · 15/05/2013 16:07

I don't know. I suppose I really wanted him to change. I wanted him to be happy. But I don't think he knows what will make him happy. He is bored.

Our relationship has always been a rollercoaster. He is very jealous of everything and everyone. It's almost like he hates it when people do well.

It is so draining. Then he tells me he loves me and he doesn't know what he would do without me. I am not a bad person. I am loving and caring but I have been snapping back at him and answer him with yes no. I hate myself for speaking like this. I don't do it to anyone else..

I am taking anti dep now for anxiety and depression.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeandpineapple · 15/05/2013 16:10

Thingummybob yes chip chip chip it's exactly right.

Then nice nice nice

Chip chip and so on

27 years though ..... It's a long time to be with someone to give up

OP posts:
worldgonecrazy · 15/05/2013 16:16

Yes it is a long time, but it will be even longer and longer and longer, until you realise that you're 90 and happy that he finally died.

I know it feels like you have "wasted" 27 years if you give up, but so what if you have? Why beat yourself up and waste another 27 years?

He doesn't want you to be happy, and nothing you can do will ever make him happy for long.

Lweji · 15/05/2013 16:16

Personally, my main moment of clarity was when we got a kitten and ex was nasty to it when supposedly playing with it.
It reminded me of the early signs of serial killers and it became clear that ex was not simply difficult. Or that his behaviour was caused by me. It was clear to me then that he was simply a nasty person.
I still managed him until he got physically violent, which very quickly led to the end.
Still, I only really left when there was a threat that included DS.

So, I do understand how difficult it is to finally leave.
But I also realise that sometimes we have to be tough on the person stuck in the relationship.
I did keep giving him opportunities for a short while.
And it was kind of a shock when my mother said that if I got back to him that they wouldn't help me anymore.
Tough, yes, but I think I needed to hear that.

If it helps, I used to cry quite often when I was with him.
Since I left him, over 2 years ago, I haven't cried. except at the end of an episode of Call the Midwife

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/05/2013 16:20

I think he has chipped at your very being over the past 27 years and your now adult children have perhaps wondered of you why you have not left their Dad. He has done a real number on you to get you to such a low point. Am not at all surprised you're on anti depressants; he is the root cause of your anxiety and depression.

What would you say to someone in this situation?.

Would you want to spend the next week, let alone another 27 years like this?. Such men do not change; he has made you purely responsible for his own unhappiness and has put you in a cage of his own paranoid making. He does not want you to leave because he gets what he wants from this - his life's ambition is to make you unhappy and to turn you into a shadow of your former self. He's managed to do all that to you, he has abused you for many years now. The nice/nasty cycle is classic abusive behaviour; they can be "nice" long enough to suck you back in then its back to "normal" nasty behaviour. Its a continuous cycle of abuse. There is also more than one time of abuse here that he is subjecting you to as well (financial abuse is present here as well).

You cannot change him but you could certainly make a better life for yourself if you were to choose to. Your friends and family are willing you on to leave such a man who has dragged you down with him.

Orangeandpineapple; you have a choice re this man, your children now adults did not. They voted with their feet and have left their home. One day it will be just you and your H; what then for you?.

Original poster
Orangeandpineapple · 15/05/2013 16:26

Do you think he does it on purpose? I don't think that he is aware he is behaving this way.
I have actually started to tell him "you are being controlling and I'm not having it" he says dont be daft
Or am I being naive?

He lies continuously. But they are little pointless lies. But it causes me to mistrust him.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 15/05/2013 16:28

No. When you are in it, you see it as normal, because it is your norm. And abuse only happens to other people, doesn't it? Denial is a very powerful thing.

It took me about a year of many moments of revelation strung together before I actually left. And some of them were pretty traumatic. I don't blame you at all for feeling as confused as you do, it's par for the course.

Your posts show that you do know what's going on, though. You can be proud of yourself for that insight. This can only happen at your own pace.

(It's a lot better out the other side, btw. Hence my username.)

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 15/05/2013 16:29

Do you think he does it on purpose?

Does it matter? What's important is the impact it has on you, and whether he is willing to empathise with that, take responsibility for his own behaviour, and change it. He isn't, though, is he?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 15/05/2013 16:30

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?"

It will answer a lot of your current questions, and more besides.

ColinCaterpillar · 15/05/2013 16:31

Orange&pineapple if you look on the EA thread you'll see we can all recognise an EA type at 20 paces yet we all ask if its really that bad. Its usually a unanimous 'yes'

I started calling my ex out on it - in the end he said I was the abusive one. Mine lied and cheated too, all part of the wonderful Hmm package.

Jury is out on if they are aware of it. They seem to be able to be nice when it suits so I think yes. It's very hard to accept how cold and calculated it is.

Original poster
Orangeandpineapple · 15/05/2013 16:33

Hot - if he isn't doing it on purpose how can it be abuse?

If he isn't aware of his behaviour.

Obviously he knows calling me names ans swearing and throwing things are not acceptable. And yes I suppose he does keep doing it.

Hmmmmmmm!

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 15/05/2013 16:33

Orange you can't change him you can only change yourself and your situation.

susiedaisy · 15/05/2013 16:34

Yes another vote for Lundy Bancroft book it's very enlightening please give it a read if you can op.

susiedaisy · 15/05/2013 16:35

So what does a he say when you tell him that his behaviour upsets and undermines you ?

ColinCaterpillar · 15/05/2013 16:35

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1308997-does-emotional-abuse-need-to-be-delibarate-to-be-abuse?pg=2

Some interesting thoughts here

Original poster
Orangeandpineapple · 15/05/2013 16:35

Yes I have read that book. I was looking for an exact description of my husband. Haha he was a mixture of a few chapters.

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 15/05/2013 16:43

IMO orange you need to set your own benchmark, don't focus so much on whether others think its abusive, if you find his behaviour upsetting/offensive/demeaning etc then for you this is abusive, it is frightening to have to admit to yourself once and for all that your relationship isn't good and may not last the course, I was with my exH for 20 years and spent the last 5 of that trying to fool myself that it was ok it was just a phase etc etc but it didn't change and in the end it nearly finished me off, but there is a life out there for you if you want it.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 15/05/2013 16:44

Obviously he knows calling me names ans swearing and throwing things are not acceptable. And yes I suppose he does keep doing it.

Yup. I think you've answered your own question.

Original poster
Orangeandpineapple · 15/05/2013 16:45

Colin thanks for that link. I have just had a read. Interesting!

OP posts:
NicknameTaken · 15/05/2013 16:57

It's a long time to be with someone to give up

That, my dear, is the fallacy of sunk costs.

The 27 years are gone, whether you stay or go. The future years are the only ones you can affect now - are they going to be good ones or not?

BerylStreep · 15/05/2013 17:06

I read a good quote on here a while back.

'Before you get a diagnosis of depression, have a look around you first and make sure that you are not surrounded by assholes.'

cantdoalgebra · 15/05/2013 17:10

It is completely unreasonable that you do not have a joint bank account. Insist that he changes this - demand to know the reasons if he will not - point out how unreasonable his position is, every time he blames you for some made up fault, bring this matter up again. I know this sounds very confrontational, but, unless he is violent, remember that the best form of defence is attack (I don't mean physical!)- sometimes you must stand your ground and not unintentionally facilitate his behaviour. At the very least, any shouting or throwing by him should immediately be "rewarded" by you by leaving the room/house/restaurant(remember a spare set of keys for house/car - get ones made if necessary!). Leave anything he throws where it lies - for ever.....This may make him realise how unreasonable he is being - if nothing else it might make you reconsider your relationship with him. I have been married for 27 years to an extremely strong willed man and have found out over the years that smile and you get put upon, snarl and you get better treatment. Only you can decide if this is worth it or not.