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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married to a gambler

58 replies

dontcallmehon · 14/05/2013 21:48

'd' h is a gambler and heavy drinker. He has lied over and over again. Recently his mum slipped up and mentioned £1000 that he'd borrowed from her because he'd spent £1000 in 2 days on gambling. She thought I already knew

I am self employed and work evenings, so I rely on him for childcare. I don't quite earn enough to keep the house on my own yet, but I'm expanding my business in September, so should be ok once that's established. I've asked him not to leave us in a financial pickle; (more than he has already!) but to sleep in the spare room while I get business set up.

I feel strangely calm. I just want him to go. He has done this over and over. His poor mum said she'd disown him if he did it again. I just looked at her and said: 'He WILL do it again.'

We don't have a joint account and the house is in my name only.

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Original poster
dontcallmehon · 14/05/2013 21:52

I feel so alone :(

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Original poster
dontcallmehon · 14/05/2013 22:12

Just bumping this. Could do with someone to chat to.

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Charlesroi · 14/05/2013 22:19

Ok.

Are you sure you need his money? You couldn't make it up with Tax Credits or other benefits (plus you'd get a 25% council tax discount if he went)? If he stays, would it be possible to make him a lodger (tax free money - paid weekly)?

I think he has to go, though. Just make sure he isn't responsible for paying any bills.

Sorry it's so crappy.

Original poster
dontcallmehon · 14/05/2013 22:26

As I'm self employed I'm worried it'll be too difficult claiming any tax credits. My income is variable. I'm not far off being able to survive, I just need to expand so that I earn more at the weekend and I can have time off during the week with dc. Him being a lodger would be good, I feel we need this to be formal.

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Original poster
dontcallmehon · 14/05/2013 22:28

I already pay bills and manage all the finances (as he can't be trusted at all).

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thenightsky · 14/05/2013 22:32

Does he work and earn money? If he went he'd still have to pay maintenance for the DC I think.

It sounds a miserable situation for you OP Sad

Honeybadgerdontgiveashit · 14/05/2013 22:41

I'm self employed with earnings that go up & down, tax credits have been great with me. Give them a try. My DP was an alcoholic so i feel your pain, he is quite far along with his recovery now, but used to financially fuck everything up.

Hope it goes ok x

Original poster
dontcallmehon · 14/05/2013 23:00

Thanks all. He does work, so would have to pay maintenance. I just don't know where to start. If he had to pay for a flat by himself though he couldn't afford maintenance. If I rang tax credits, could they advise me?

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Charlesroi · 15/05/2013 01:00

Have a play with this benefits calculator www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx . What you can get depends on the hours you work, number of children etc.
If you think you might be entitled to something you'll need to ring up the tax credits people and get a form (you can't claim online). You'll get an initial award, then you just ring them up if your circumstances change (the initial award is based on last years earnings) and they'll sort it.

Lavenderhoney · 15/05/2013 05:22

Do you have dc?

His future living arrangements should not concern you, nor tbh his ability to pay maintenance. It's unlikely you will get any as he is a gambler and drinks. Good for you for finishing it. If you can, get him out now. Change the locks. Not for violence, but coming in to take money. My df stole from my money box.

My df was the same, my mum had her own business, she needed him for childcare evenings as well. as soon as she started making money, he gambled all his away and had none to support himself. She paid for everything and I mean everything.

He never left as she knew he wouldn't manage (!) Please don't do that to yourself and any dc if you have them. My dm would be swanning around in diamonds if it wasn't for him. I also think the local bookies is on what would have been our family yacht.

Lavenderhoney · 15/05/2013 05:28

Forgot to add, if you divorce and he is entitled to any share of assets, he will gamble them away. My dm had terrible problems with a house sale as he said he wanted half. He gambled over 1000 gbp a day and hated the onset of Internet banking. Even if you arrange rent for him - and he would need a bank account- he will gamble and get into debt. I repeat, this is not your problem. Make sure his name isnt on anything, or yours with him, and if he is a company sec of your company or anything, get him off.

I see I am projecting somewhat:) so ignore what isn't relevant..

Original poster
dontcallmehon · 15/05/2013 06:17

We have 3 dc. His name is not on anything with mine. I despise him.

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Original poster
dontcallmehon · 15/05/2013 06:18

The problem is, last year I worked full time on an employed basis and earned 40k so won't get anything on that basis.

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Original poster
dontcallmehon · 15/05/2013 06:30

I'm worried, as my work is seasonal, so I don't always work 16 hours a week. If they averaged it out I would. Looking at the calculator I could survive.

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Original poster
dontcallmehon · 15/05/2013 07:04

So so sad :(

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countingto10 · 15/05/2013 07:10

I think you need some very good legal advice - he may be entitled to a share of the house as you are married. Gamblers can be very manipulative so don't be surprised if other debts turn up Sad.

Good luck.

Original poster
dontcallmehon · 15/05/2013 07:12

We have small dc though, so no plans to sell the house. He is not allowed to live in it on his own either.

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willdivorcesoon · 15/05/2013 08:24

Just typed a long reply on my phone and lost it! I'm doing the school run now but will be home shortly and will reply then.

I know exactly what you are going through as I discovered my husband had huge gambling debts 6 months ago. We have now separated. I will reply later with more information.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2013 08:56

"The problem is, last year I worked full time on an employed basis and earned 40k so won't get anything on that basis."

I think you need to get some better information. Tax Credits are based on the previous year's income unless your circumstances have changed a lot, in which case they are calculated on your current earnings.

Personally, I wouldn't be happy having a heavy drinker and gambler supervising my child. What if one of them needs medical attention and he's either too absorbed in online gambling to notice or too drunk to drive them to hospital?

There are several places you can get advice on things like accommodation, benefits and so on. The Turn2Us site is very good, Citizens Advice Bureau can go through your individual circumstances, a solicitor can advise you on divorce, maintenance and access to children.

Good luck

willdivorcesoon · 15/05/2013 09:51

The best thing I did when I discovered my husbands gambling debts was to go to a solicitor to find out where I stood with regards the debt. It was very useful and I ended up having a legal document drawn up, signed and witnessed by both of us, outlining our finances and the agreement of how to split them. Most importantly it states that I cannot be held liable for debts he has accrued since we separated. We have 2 dc and a joint mortgage so I was very worried about this. The document would stand up in court to ensure that I would not lose my home as a result of him piling up even more debt.

I went to see CAB and also spoke at length with the Tax Credits people as to what I was entitled to. Ultimately the best thing is to not be tied financially to such a huge risk - I am sadly selling our home to protect mine and the childrens assets from him. Its devastating but necessary when dealing with an addicted gambler.

If I can give any advise please ask. I do know just how you are feeling and how terrifying it can be but so much better to go through the next few months of unhappiness and turmoil than to live an entire life full of lies and mistrust. I've had to have counselling to get to that acceptance as I was devastated at the end of my marriage but I am slowly realising that I am and will be better in the long run.

mummytime · 15/05/2013 09:57

You could kick him out and get a lodger who pays reduced rent for some babysitting? Lots of friends have done this.

educatingarti · 15/05/2013 11:14

"As I'm self employed I'm worried it'll be too difficult claiming any tax credits."

I'm self employed and it's not too bad to claim - really! And they do average out your hours over the year to take account of seasonality.
Why not go to CAB and talk it through - also - you need to claim before September as then it will be Universal Credits which I don't think are quite as favourable!

lemonstartree · 15/05/2013 12:39

I'm sure nothing could be worse that what you have been through/are going through now. There will be ways to manage without this unreliable, irresponsible waste of space.

Do make sure you get the legal side watertight.Protect yourself and the DC - sadly he wont give any of you a second thought whilst he is gambling...

Original poster
dontcallmehon · 15/05/2013 14:44

I've been sent an email about supply teaching (I'm a tutor) so that could help - but again I'm worried about fluctuating income. My dream is to get my little tuition centre up and running in September. I'm going to ask him to stay at his mum's tonight and I'm going to ring the CAB and make an appointment too. Then I'll see a solicitor.

I'm just so sad :(

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Original poster
dontcallmehon · 15/05/2013 14:46

I keep thinking what I would advise someone to do if I was reading this thread. I know I would want them to get him out asap.

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