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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband of 18 years is gay

65 replies

NImom · 13/05/2013 16:26

I found a second mobile phone yesterday morning, looked through the messages with shaky hands. found sex texts and call conversation logs to one number. The number belongs to a man, not a woman which I would not have been shocked at.

We have been separated but living in same house for financial reasons only for past two years. We have two kids - 16 and 11yrs.

He admits he is seeing a man, and says it is none of my business.
That would be fine, my problem is this - we were married for 18 years and I suspected over the years that he was gay but thought i must be paranoid. Sex life was almost non-existent, the two kids were planned babies.

I'm angry at being used.

I'm scared that he is so cocky towards me about this, he also says don't you dare tell anyone. I wont anyway.

Didn't sleep last night, was riddled with anxiety

he is 53, I am 45

There's nothing to do, i just want him to leave here but he wont
I am sick

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/05/2013 16:43

I think whatever financial reasons are keeping you under the same roof, they just ceased being important. If he's rubbing your nose in it I don't think you're obliged to keep his secret etiher.... In your shoes I'd be talking to a solicitor tomorrow morning, getting the divorce process started. Might be that you have to sell the house from under him but you have to separate properly. You'll be ill otherwise.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 13/05/2013 16:45

Hmm - none of your business - how cold.

Agree with Cogito

RandomMess · 13/05/2013 16:46

I honestly think you should tell the dc before they find out some other way.

Poor you. I agree you need to seperate properly for your own sanity.

Wishiwasanheiress · 13/05/2013 16:47

So sorry this must be dreadful shock/betrayal. Also think the behaviour negates any present agreement of living together.

See solicitor. See CAB. Change locks. Put clothes on driveway.

And this will be public. Work out now what to say to kids.

Wishing u strength good luck

BeCool · 13/05/2013 16:50

He is being very cruel and you have every right to be angry.
You don't have to keep living under these conditions - go and seek legal advice.
Hug for you - sounds awful.

He sounds very repressed and fearful of people finding out. He has prioritised his needs over yours all these years. Do what you want and if you want/need to talk with people in RL about it, then you are of course free to do so.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/05/2013 16:52

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned... especially for another man...

claudedebussy · 13/05/2013 16:52

he is being an absolute shit. agree with cogito. as usual.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 13/05/2013 16:55

Good post BeCool

I am not sure about how the children should be told. But I thin, in fairness to them, you should not be feeling/displaying high levels of anger towards him when you do it (not saying you would, but it must not come over as vindictiveness, for their sake)

cinnamonsugar · 13/05/2013 17:06

You cannot carry on living in the same house. Clearly, the situation means you have not properly separated. Are you able to access counselling at all to work through this?

Original poster
NImom · 13/05/2013 17:15

thank you both very much for replying. Yes, his rubbing my nose in it and telling me to mention it to anyone is making me ill. I feel ill. Will contact a solicitor but there is no legal aid, however, i think i might get some advice on how to divorce through domestic violence agency.
He doesn't want to divorce or to sell the house, or to move out, and he can afford to move out.

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 13/05/2013 17:19

Oh ! He's been violent as well?

ajandjjmum · 13/05/2013 17:22

So sharing the house is because it suits him. You need to think of what suits you and your DC, and I wouldn't think it would be the same.

Hope you get some helpful guidance soon. Smile

olgaga · 13/05/2013 17:23

Take a look here OP for some advice and links to organisations which can help you with the practical side.

BeCool · 13/05/2013 17:25

Probably because it's all a good cover for the fact the he is gay, which he clearly can't face up to. Everything staying as it is, is very convenient for him - he has set his life up how he wants it to me and that includes manipulating you. Do you do lions share of housework etc too?

And he is violent to you. You know he doesn't have all the say in this? You count NImom and what you want and need counts too.

Please see a solicitor or the DV Agency who can advise you on a route out of this asap.

dontyouwantmebaby · 13/05/2013 17:28

Don't worry about what he wants to do, do what is best for you OP.

There is a legal section here on mumsnet I believe, you may be able to seek some general advice there on how to proceed?

Also, you may want to make an appointment with your GP as well just to see if there is any support there you could get. I think your ex is being particularly selfish and unfair here. Please put yourself first in what needs to be done or said. You don't owe it to him to keep quiet about it either.

Original poster
NImom · 18/05/2013 08:14

thank you so much all of you for reading and responding.
I don't know what to do. I can go to CAB next week. Can't put his clothes on the drive - he'll just ring the police and they'll tell me I can't throw him out. And he will not leave.

I sent a text message to the man this morning, it's still 'pending' on delivery reports on my mobile so I think he's changed his phone number.
I need confirmation that he is actually a man.
I sound mad don't I...

OP posts:
juneau · 18/05/2013 08:21

He doesn't want to divorce or to sell the house, or to move out

Yes, but you can still divorce him - for adultery, if necessary! Please see a solicitor asap (the first half-hour is usually free), and the CAB. Get all the info you can about your rights. You don't have to be married to a gay man who is cheating on you and if he's also been (still being?) abusive, that gives you extra reason to divorce and also extra ammunition if you need it. Please be strong OP - this doesn't have to be your life.

FarBetterNow · 18/05/2013 08:22

OP: I think you must live apart and divorce regardless of whether your husband has a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
I know it is soul destroying sharing a house with an EX.

I think whilst you are sharing a house you are still be bullied by your H.

This may be the catalyst that you need to get divorced and live seperately.

Best wishes to you.

Original poster
NImom · 18/05/2013 08:24

It's a mans name and my husband said the person is a man.

then later in the day (last Sunday) he changed his story, and said it's a woman. It went back and forth like that all of last Sunday.

I don't mind if it's a woman. I am disturbed if it's a man though.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2013 08:26

You don't sound mad, you sound shocked and severely rattled. You don't need confirmation that this person is a man. Your husband's admission is all the evidence you need on that one.

Please keep your eye on the main goals which are a) to get him out of your home and b) divorce. Get RL support from friends and family, also your GP if you're feeling ill, and remember that you do not owe anything to him, least of all keeping his confidence.

Glad you're seeing CAB but you should also talk to a solicitor. You may not qualify for legal aid but they can start the divorce process and any costs you can take out of your share of the marital assets at the end. He may not want to sell your house but a solicitor can force a sale if necessary

If he's violent I would strongly recommend you get yourself and any children to a place of safety first and then deal with the legal aspects from a distance. Again, friends or family may to be able to help or there's always Womens Aid and your local authority.

Good luck

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2013 08:27

" he changed his story, and said it's a woman"

A straight man would have never admitted a gay relationship in the first place.

Original poster
NImom · 18/05/2013 08:30

I want to live apart, but he wont leave

Im dependent on him financially

Yes, he's a bully, crazy isn't it

OP posts:
Original poster
NImom · 18/05/2013 08:31

and the boys are too old to live in a refuge (I've already enquired)

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2013 08:32

There are alternatives to refuges. As a single woman and ex-wife (I don't know if you have a job or not) there is quite a lot of state help available until you get your divorce settlement and/or you start earning. How old are your boys?

Grammaticus · 18/05/2013 08:33

You can't divorce on adultery if the other party is a man. But it's so difficult to divorce on adultery anyway unless it is admitted, you are better off with unreasonable behaviour.