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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband of 18 years is gay

65 replies

NImom · 13/05/2013 16:26

I found a second mobile phone yesterday morning, looked through the messages with shaky hands. found sex texts and call conversation logs to one number. The number belongs to a man, not a woman which I would not have been shocked at.

We have been separated but living in same house for financial reasons only for past two years. We have two kids - 16 and 11yrs.

He admits he is seeing a man, and says it is none of my business.
That would be fine, my problem is this - we were married for 18 years and I suspected over the years that he was gay but thought i must be paranoid. Sex life was almost non-existent, the two kids were planned babies.

I'm angry at being used.

I'm scared that he is so cocky towards me about this, he also says don't you dare tell anyone. I wont anyway.

Didn't sleep last night, was riddled with anxiety

he is 53, I am 45

There's nothing to do, i just want him to leave here but he wont
I am sick

OP posts:
Original poster
NImom · 18/05/2013 08:34

really Cogito?
Yes, he admitted it happily at first, then changed his story

It's like he wanted to discuss it with me
but then he closed up, was ducking and diving

OP posts:
Original poster
NImom · 18/05/2013 08:35

or do you think he is just trying to do my head in?

OP posts:
Original poster
NImom · 18/05/2013 08:37

no, am not working
the boys are 16yrs and 11yrs

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2013 08:39

Who knows? Who cares... Hmm I just think (IME) that most hetero men would not, even for the purposes of a poor-taste joke or trying to wind someone up, admit to an affair with a man. But this is just a red herring.... you need to get out, you need the divorce to start progressing... who cares whether he's been shagging man or beast?

Original poster
NImom · 18/05/2013 08:40

yes Grammaticus, unreasonable behaviour will do for divorce

OP posts:
saintlyjimjams · 18/05/2013 08:42

Not sure how much they cost but a private detective could find out for you. At least you would know where you stood then.

Get some legal advice then start to work out how you are going to live apart. Man or woman it doesn't matter (I had an ex boyfriend who turned out to be gay - we're actually great friends now) the issue is that he is a bully, violent from the sounds of it & controlling. And you need to get away from that.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2013 08:42

Do you have friends or family that you could approach for a temporary place to stay? Have you considered your local housing authority? They sometimes have temporary emergency accommodation for people in great need.

Original poster
NImom · 18/05/2013 08:42

I care if he's been shagging men.

It means a lot to me.

Yes, I need to get out

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2013 08:43

You should probably get an STi check as a precaution.

Original poster
NImom · 18/05/2013 08:45

No, I have nowhere to stay
Have a nice house and want to stay in it with the children

yes, he's a bully, not physically violent although he snatches things from me. He is a compulsive liar, it's taken me years to realise that bit.

I want him to leave, don't want to move my boys from here.

OP posts:
Original poster
NImom · 18/05/2013 08:47

yes, have had the full range of Sti checks, all ok. Of course they are because he didn't have sex with me anyway (almost laughing)

OP posts:
MumnGran · 18/05/2013 08:47

NImom .... have PM'd

pumpkinsweetie · 18/05/2013 08:49

"none of your business"- I think it is very much your business considering you are his wife!!! How very cold & selfish.

I would so as others have said and get an sti check asap incase he has passed any nasties on to you.

And of course get him the fuck out of your house, what a creep lying to you and deceiving you in such a horrid way!
I have zero problem with gay men, but I do when they decide to get married and completely shatter their wife. That sort of man is a coward, he should have been honest with himself from the start instead of leading another person up the garden path and putting her health at risk.

Original poster
NImom · 18/05/2013 08:51

yes pumpkinsweetie, am the same re homosexuality, but don't effing marry me!

MumnGran, thank you, how do I find the PM

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2013 09:29

If you've nowhere to go and you don't want to leave you're basically stuck until you can get a solicitor to force a sale. You'll have to accept, however, that you are not going to keep your nice house... you'll have to set up fresh in a new one in the same area if you can afford it and a different area of you can't. Small price to pay for your freedom and the sooner you get started on a divorce, the sooner it will happen.

Original poster
NImom · 18/05/2013 09:32

yes, you're right Cogito, yes thank you, have to do something next week during office hours. Don't have money for divorce though, and he wont divorce me. It's a trap.

OP posts:
Original poster
NImom · 18/05/2013 09:34

im going to re-read all of your posts. thank you so much everyone I really appreciate your help. X

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2013 10:05

Please stop assuming that you are trapped because that is currently holding you back. Find a solicitor, explain your financial situation, explain that your STBX is being hostile about the house and divorce generally, and I'd be very surprised if they did not accept that you can only pay their bill once the marital assets have been sold off and the cash shared out. That's how it worked for me. I didn't get any bills until right at the end.

Lucylloyd13 · 18/05/2013 10:06

How awful for you.

Some clear thinking is required. You are still dependent upon him financially, but are in a dead marriage. At some point you, and him, need an alternative solution. You can?t live under the same roof as a man who no longer loves you and has no sexual interest in you. He will want to bring boyfriend?s home (or sell and leave for one) and can hardly introduce his boyfriend to the wife and kids.

How you tell the children is important. It should not be an act of revenge. I would seek for you to both tell them together, it will be part of the readjustment process for all of you.

Original poster
NImom · 18/05/2013 11:41

ok, i will look for a solicitor who will accept payment when the house is sold. Hopefully will find one, don't hold out much hope though. Will get onto it next week.
Yes, clear thinking is needed. And telling the kids would not be act of revenge, I would not do that to my boys.
I don't even want revenge actually.

OP posts:
Lavenderhoney · 18/05/2013 14:26

Lots of great advice here, but does he and has he been expecting you to keep it a secret that you and he are not together? " don't you dare tell anyone?"

You must tell your friends and family. You are terribly isolated by not telling anyone he is having an affair. It's not for him to decide.

juneau · 18/05/2013 18:41

You must tell your friends and family. You are terribly isolated by not telling anyone he is having an affair. It's not for him to decide.

I totally agree with this. OP you sound utterly isolated and without support, which he will be keen to see continue, because if you lack support and resources you're less likely to act in a way he doesn't like (controlling bullies don't like people who think for themselves).

Original poster
NImom · 18/05/2013 19:23

He has told his friends that we are not in a married couple relationship, his reason is that I smoke cigarettes. I haven't always smoked by the way and there was no sex then either.

So it's not a secret to his friends. But the secret about his male, i don't know, lover? I can't tell my family and friends because I wouldn't want them to spread the word - I'd want my boys to know first. I don't want them to hear through gossip - people tell their kids and the word goes round doesn't it.

OP posts:
clam · 18/05/2013 19:27

So, tell them.
Why should your h be in control of this? He doesn't want a divorce? Tough luck, you do, so look into getting the ball rolling.

Original poster
NImom · 18/05/2013 19:29

Thanks Clam, I don't know, I can't tell them.
But yes I'll get the ball rolling with divorce

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