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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband of 18 years is gay

65 replies

NImom · 13/05/2013 16:26

I found a second mobile phone yesterday morning, looked through the messages with shaky hands. found sex texts and call conversation logs to one number. The number belongs to a man, not a woman which I would not have been shocked at.

We have been separated but living in same house for financial reasons only for past two years. We have two kids - 16 and 11yrs.

He admits he is seeing a man, and says it is none of my business.
That would be fine, my problem is this - we were married for 18 years and I suspected over the years that he was gay but thought i must be paranoid. Sex life was almost non-existent, the two kids were planned babies.

I'm angry at being used.

I'm scared that he is so cocky towards me about this, he also says don't you dare tell anyone. I wont anyway.

Didn't sleep last night, was riddled with anxiety

he is 53, I am 45

There's nothing to do, i just want him to leave here but he wont
I am sick

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 19/05/2013 01:39

You do realise you have quite a lot of power, don't you?

He seems to be terrified of his homosexuality being generally known. You know about it.

I don't usually recommend this, might you might want to hint that if he's nasty to you, you can get equally nasty too.

Lavenderhoney · 19/05/2013 06:05

You can say he is having an affair and you both know your marriage is over. You don't have to specify any details that you don't want to.

Why should you put the rest of your life and happiness on hold whilst he doesn't? Your dc will be happier too, living with you and seeing him and no atmosphere.

jayho · 19/05/2013 07:04

Hi NI you should be able to divorce on the basis of two year's separation. Particularly if he has confirmed that you are separated to friends and family. You would not need a solicitor on that basis. You can prepare your own petition, submit it to court for about £90.

I'm sure someone will correct me if I'm wrong?

My first divorce was on two year's separation and even though a solicitor did the paperwork it cost about £750.

brettgirl2 · 19/05/2013 10:10

It sounds to me like he doesn't want to get divorced because you are still a convenient cover for him being gay as he clearly doesn't want to come out.

You can't live like this, pure and simple.

differentnameforthis · 19/05/2013 11:17

How is he rubbing her nose in it when she looked through his phone? Different if they are still together, but they aren't & she had no right to do that. Massive invasion of privacy.

It isn't any of your business, op, who he sees. For the last 2 years you have been separated. So I would think he is perfectly entitled to see who he wants.

I sent a text message to the man this morning You had absolutely NO right to do that!

Original poster

NImom · 21/05/2013 09:57

Hello differentnameforthis - yes, we are not still together. And yes I looked through his phone.

I think you are cherry picking 'rights' here. I don't know why though.

It is my business to clarify that I have been married to a gay man. Can you imagine that?

That is my issue here in this thread.

OP posts:

pumpkinsweetie · 21/05/2013 11:32

If he lives in her house, she has the rights to know what is going on. If he doesn't like it, he should leave end off.
He is still married, and op still had to share a home with him so he shouldn't be rubbing her face in it everyday.
Gay men should not marry women under false pretences, it is wrong to live a lie and expect the wife to just deal with it.

BeCool · 21/05/2013 13:10

Differentnameforthis he is also lying to friends and family and blaming the split on the OP's smoking! Not to mention the deceipt he perpetuated on her for many years.

NImom seriously why are you perpetuating his lies? Be honest - you have nothing to be ashamed of. These lies, HIS lies are preventing you from connecting properly with your family and friends, at a time when you could really do with their support.

This man is not in control of the situation here & you do not have to play his silly games and perpetuate his lies. Tell your DC, tell your family, work towards a better life for you all.

BurtNo · 21/05/2013 13:14

I think NI has every right to demand the seperation becomes a divorce and for he exDH to take more responsibility here - blaming the split on your smoking is cowardly but i can't see that unilaterally outing him achieves what NI wants - and it could kill the co-parenting relationship

BeCool · 21/05/2013 13:43

I'm not suggesting the OP universally outs him, but that she is free to discuss HER life, the disintegration of HER marriage and the reasons for it, the changes she has to make in HER life to move forward & ensure she has the support she needs. At the moment this isn't the case.

She is absolutely entitled to this and there is no benefit to her at this point of continuing in the fantasy myths her H is spouting.

The DC will be shocked to learn their Dad is gay no doubt, but being lied to and mislead for years is not exactly the foundation for a good parental relationship. Lies and the erosion of trust is even harder to understand, forgive and move forward from.

Original poster

NImom · 21/05/2013 19:27

BeCool, i don't know what I'm doing
I don't want to perpetuate his lies
It seems he is in control at least financially

I can not tell the two boys, not yet,because I can't cope with that

OP posts:

Lavenderhoney · 22/05/2013 05:48

You don't have to tell your dc he is gay. You say you are splitting as you dont want to stay married, and they will still see him.

See a solicitor and get some facts about what you can do and what will happen.

BeCool · 22/05/2013 10:05

If he's not going to confirm he's gay, then he's not going to do this. You can't control this and it is unhelpful to your situation to focus on HIM. But it seems he has already told you he is gay? He's not going to write it in the sky. perhaps you need to let go of needing him to act in a certain way. He is doing what he wants to do.

Please focus on yourself and what you need to do to live separately from him and divorce him. Surely the first step has to be a solicitor?

And find someone in RL you can talk to properly and openly re what is really going on with you.

Original poster

NImom · 23/05/2013 16:36

Yes BeCool, he did confirm that he's gay, and that it was a man on his mobile phone. And followed by, " it's none of your business". He keeps saying the same thing

Yes I need to focus on myself and the children. And how to get out of this situation.

I have told three female friends, they would not let it slip as I've told them I don't want the children to know yet.

Went to GP today, she recommended Citizens Advice Bureau so I can start divorce proceedings. As husband (with the money) wont divorce me or leave the house.

OP posts:

BeCool · 29/05/2013 14:06

how are you getting on NImom?
Have you seen a solicitor?

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