27 weeks pregnant and need to leave my husband

[Autumn12]

He is a drunk and I can't put up with it anymore.

I posted about him recently and we managed to talk and sort things out after he stayed out all night. However despite the promises he has let me down yet again.

He went to a work rugby event today. I knew there would be all day drinking involved but he swore that he would take it easy.

I didn't hear from him all day so called him about quarter past 6 to see how he was and to find out if he would need collecting from the station later. He sounded ok and not too drunk. He said he would be heading home after the next rugby match. He also promised not to get too drunk and roll in at 2am.

Well here I am it's almost 1am and he is still not home. I've been calling him since 9pm with no answer. I am exhausted but haven't been able to get to sleep .

I finally just managed to get hold of him and he is apparently in east London and kept saying he wants to get home. That's nowhere near where the rugby was or where we live. There is no way for him to get home now unless he finds a cab willing to take him. That's going to cost £££££.

I won't be able to sleep until he finally gets home whenever the hell that will be, meaning I won't be able to manage at work tomorrow. I just can't do this anymore. I'm 7 months pregnant and can't put myself through anymore nights of being awake wondering where the hell my husband is.

I have to accept that he will never change. I can't put a child through this either. He clearly has an alcohol problem though he won't accept it. Being honest our entire relationship has been blighted by his drinking. I should never have married him. I kept hoping he would change. He has got better and goes out less but even one incident a year like this is too much for me. This is the 2nd in less than a month. He said fatherhood would change him but my being pregnant hasn't so why would a baby.

Today is difficult. He is texting me begging me to tell him what he needs to do to keep me.

Too little too late springs to mind.

Binge drinking like this is as real a form of alcoholism as daily drinking. If he won't get help (going to meetings would be a good start), it is never going to change.

It sounds like he is alcoholic.
The definition in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is someone who when started has little or no control over the amount they take.
We drink not because we want to, but to satisfy a craving beyond our control.

The good news is, there is a solution, but only if he will put recovery above all things.
It sounds like he is in denial about the problem.

I want to add my voice to those suggestion al anon for you, get you equipped to deal with it.

I recommend you read chapters 'more about alcoholism' and 'to wives' from the book Alcoholics Anonymous, you can view it free on line through the AA site.

If I can help you in any way, PM me.

How are you doing OP? Just wanted to let you know that the father of my DCs had similar drink issues. He eventually left when I reached the end of my tether (far too late) when my youngest was 4 months old. Before I got to that stage he had done all sorts of ridiculously unacceptable things due to drink, like refusing to look after DS or visit me when I was admitted to hospital due to pregnancy complications because he was at the pub, and tried to wee in the cot, mistaking it for the toilet in a very drunken state. I really wish I had asked him to go sooner, but I was terrified of being a single parent. With hindsight, I wish I had asked him to leave ever so much earlier on.

Fastforward 8 years, I am 29 weeks pregnant and asked my husband to leave. Different issues, although drink certainly a factor (nothing like having hyperemesis and having to deal with your "D"H vomiting due to excess christmas drinks ). I've been by myself for 6 weeks ish now, and it is really hard at times, but I DO NOT miss the stress, worry, broken promises and lies. And the disappointment. I don't miss that at all.

I am still terrified, and in many ways devastated that I am on my own on this, but have found posting on MN to be an invaluable support. I wouldn't be coping as well as I am without being able to post here, and receive support, advice, and reminders that I did the strong thing in asking him to go. My baby will be born into a loving family, albeit not the one I envisaged. But a much healthier environment, for certain.

It will get worse if you let him stay. Starting with you being in hospital and him " wetting the baby's head" and coming in to see you reeking of drink and wanting to hold your pfb.

I would be furious too. And friends/ family who think you should suck it up clearly haven't been exposed to the misery that is a drunken df or dh.
You're the one that will have to get into bed with him every night, not them.

My df was an alcoholic. It was horrible. I've blocked most of it out, but unfortunately it does haunt me occasionally. How can you live on tenterhooks knowing he might go out boozing, be uncontacable and you need him urgently? Better to be alone and manage because you have to than inspite of someone.

He thinks its normal, because of his family. If he goes to AA he will have to face that, but that's his choice. He should go. He can't control it. But you are right, he needs to call them and sort it, not you.

Thanks for the support everyone.

I haven't wavered in my decision though its been hard. I had an antenatal appointment today and there are possible complications with the pregnancy so its not been easy to maintain my position.

It IS hard and will be harder as you get more and more pregnant...doesnt mean its not right..

BUT on the other had, what would be your 'terms' for reconciliation? couples counseling? ( would it be therapeutic to tell him he spoilt your wedding day by calling you a 'dick'? ) Him attending AA ? Is your position "no way, not ever no matter what..." Or 'I wish he could just stop doing THIS and it could be ok "?

I think you do need to consider why you married him (not in a bad/blaming way) but its clear you were aware that there were issues with alcohol... did you think he would change ? (I know I thought my XH would - BIG mistake) or were you so in love that you though it didn't matter ?... Its important that these things are thought through so that you can go forward being honest either with him, or with yourself.

Autumn, I am so sorry you have had this news today on top of everything else. Have been lurking, but just wanted to say that I hope you are ok x

Sorry to hear that Autumn12

Well done though.

This is a case of the right thing being a lot harder to do than the wrong thing & you're doing so well considering!

Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy

lemon - I think issues in a relationship are magnified when you're pregnant (and I bet OP thought a new life on the way would make a difference, like it should).

Hope things are ok with baby.

I would love nothing more than for the drinking issue to go away. Then I'd be left with a great husband.

I married him against my better judgement and desperately hoping that things would change as he "grew up". And they have changed. 3 or 4 years ago he would be out a couple of times a week with an "incident" occurring every few weeks. Then it got down a couple of times a year. Weeks and weeks can go by with nothing bad happening. So it was easy to tell myself it was getting better and that could only continue surely?

Then I got pregnant and he was amazing. He had loads of social occasions over the Xmas period and he didn't slip up once. He would get drunk sure but not so drunk that he was incomprehensible. He would come home at a reasonable time and stay in contact. So I was happy and believed things had turned a corner. Then he stayed out all night a couple of weeks ago and then went AWOL Sunday night and here we are back at square one.

That's the thing though, it shouldn't happen at all if he can't stop (and thinks that it's not an issue, which, if anything is the bloody issue).

And it's hard tell what's average 'in your 20s/early 30s' behavior & what's a possible problem, so I hope you're not being too hard on yourself about that.

You just don't need that when you have a child to care for though (or at all really, but it will make you angrier than you've ever been once the baby's arrived). And as you said, it's no standard to set for him/her as they grow up.

Autumn,if he can control it sometimes then he should be seeking outside help to control all the time

Until he does that though, he is in denial which as you know will not solve anything at all.

Be strong, and make him face it. If he won't, then what have you lost ? A man you cannot trust that you don't want as a 24/7 example to your dc's.

I have a feeling though that if he is the man you say he is, once he properly accepts the problem there is a good chance he could sort his act out

I really hope all is well with you and the baby.

I hope to your dh realises this problem won't go away and if he faces it he can have the best life with you.

Take care now

how are you today Autumn ?

So -So Thanks for asking.

Been looking at my finances today which is scary. Trying to work out how I will manage financially, and what it will mean for my maternity leave.

Autumn sorry to hear the news from your antenatal, I wish you well for the rest of your pregnancy.

Can totally understand everything you say about your husband's behaviour and how it makes you feel. I am sorry you are going through this. So frustrating when you have to explain to him that no, its not that you've got a problem with him socialising per se, its this issue of not knowing whether he will go AWOL or not.

As for him texting you & begging you to tell him what he needs to do to keep you...nope, you don't need this crap. That's putting the ball back in your court when it's not the first time this has happened throughout your relationship so he ought to know what he needs to do by now.

It involves him taking personal responsibility to resolve problem drinking once & for all. It's irrelevant whether they are once a year/month/week sessions. I hope he's had a serious wake-up call and takes swift, decisive action.

Hope you're feeling okay today.

Yeah, I'm still not sure he is ready to take the step of seeking help.

On the bright side i did get some gorgeous flowers from him.

I hope you are ok and baby ok. Just wanted to add me experience, which luckily has ended more positively than some others here. . My DH was similar to yours, enjoyed drinking, seemed to take it too far and stay out/ drink way too much but it calmed down a bit with first child but it still caused a lot of rows, mainly due to him being SO hungover he couldn't help with baby or was grumpy at weekends. With DC2 had a few incidents like you describe where he went on benders, started then couldn't stop. At a wedding DC2 was 5 weeks old and i went back to hotel room msjing DH promise not to roll in wasted at 2 am waking us up. Woke at 2.30 with him singing loudly under hotel window with all rhe single people frim the wedding! I was SO livid. He had a new baby and was up with all the singles, all the orher dads had gone to bed with their wives and kids. Hit bresking point when after a works do he came in so pissed falling about and swearing. I woke up and he was trying to get another beer from fridge. I grabbed it, he lunged at me when I tried to take a can and knocked me over. Chased me to our room where baby DS2 slept and yelled at me waking baby. I was distrsught. I called police, he was removed to a hotel. He was so ashamed the next day as was I with visits from SS calls from HV etc re DV. It was like a nightmare. I told him it was over. He met me with kids in town, I remember it was a beautiful sunny day. DS1 was asking 'where you been daddy?' DH wept silently.

He has never done it again. He still drinks a bit more than I would and hangovers can be a pain but overall he HAS grown up, he has stopped. He has never done the bender thing again. His blips coincided with our DC being small. I will wait and see if DC3 has this effect.

Overall my DH is a loving, kind man but drinking a bit too much a bit too often nearly drove us apart. Drink is evil as the person doing it cannot see effect it has especially when they are drunk.

I know I am beyond lucky and may go back on this post one day but for 2.5 years things have been good and he has changed .

Good luck and maybe ask your DH to get help? Talk to someone about his drinking? Mine would never admit it eas an issue until he demonstrated to himself it was.I think for mine, waking in a strange hotel and the shame of it all kicked him up the ass. He couldn't have his children or me see him like that again.

I still feel a bit nervous if he goes out but he has not let me down yet even though he did in the past. I know not everyone is this fortunate but just wanted you to see a shock can have an effect sometimes on people who refuse to admit there is an issue.

Thanks for sharing that. Sounds very similar to my DH. Several times I have pointed out to him that when he goes AWOL it's only the single people that are left standing with him at the end of the night. The men with families have gone home!

I'm finding it hard to see him at the moment as he is obviously shocked and hurting a lot. I do love him so it's not easy to see him and know that I'm causing his pain. I'm not sure whether to let him accompany me to the hospital tomorrow for my pregnancy related tests or not.On one hand if I don't it would really send him a strong message, but on the other hand it is still his baby.

But you're not causing his pain; he's bringing it on himself through his choices.

Conversely, he is directly causing your pain.

And only take him with you to hospital if you feel his presence there would be of comfort/support to you. If him being there would make it harder then no, he doesn't get to come. It's your body.

I'd say dont take him unless you need him. Let him know how you feel he has not supported you on this recent escapade and he can't be of support now as you feel upset by him. I was always so f ing angry I didn't want him around thinking he was suddenly a great comfort when night before he'd let me down. I think some men genuinely take forever to grow up. My DH 40 this year! Is yours young OP? Do you have children yet? It's never an excuse but some men are just total immature morons for ages.

He's early 30's so not what I'd call young. No other DC except this one on the way.