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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

27 weeks pregnant and need to leave my husband

109 replies

Autumn12 · 13/05/2013 00:59

He is a drunk and I can't put up with it anymore.

I posted about him recently and we managed to talk and sort things out after he stayed out all night. However despite the promises he has let me down yet again.

He went to a work rugby event today. I knew there would be all day drinking involved but he swore that he would take it easy.

I didn't hear from him all day so called him about quarter past 6 to see how he was and to find out if he would need collecting from the station later. He sounded ok and not too drunk. He said he would be heading home after the next rugby match. He also promised not to get too drunk and roll in at 2am.

Well here I am it's almost 1am and he is still not home. I've been calling him since 9pm with no answer. I am exhausted but haven't been able to get to sleep .

I finally just managed to get hold of him and he is apparently in east London and kept saying he wants to get home. That's nowhere near where the rugby was or where we live. There is no way for him to get home now unless he finds a cab willing to take him. That's going to cost £££££.

I won't be able to sleep until he finally gets home whenever the hell that will be, meaning I won't be able to manage at work tomorrow. I just can't do this anymore. I'm 7 months pregnant and can't put myself through anymore nights of being awake wondering where the hell my husband is.

I have to accept that he will never change. I can't put a child through this either. He clearly has an alcohol problem though he won't accept it. Being honest our entire relationship has been blighted by his drinking. I should never have married him. I kept hoping he would change. He has got better and goes out less but even one incident a year like this is too much for me. This is the 2nd in less than a month. He said fatherhood would change him but my being pregnant hasn't so why would a baby.

OP posts:

tribpot · 13/05/2013 17:53

I wouldn't get too hung up on the question of physical dependency. Addiction is a complicated thing and there are many problem drinkers who can go weeks without a drink but have a severe problem which is, in effect, an addiction because they are not truly in control of their desire to drink. This is a good book - at least, the one for the problem drinker is good so I'm sure the companion text will also spell out clearly that you cannot help someone who doesn't see there is a problem.

lemonstartree · 13/05/2013 19:28

I'm sure he is a good guy in other ways, BUT (and this is sad) he is not for YOU because YOU cannot accept this part of him. You cant change the part of you that is anxious when he does not come home, and he does not want to change the part that gets totally wasted and forgets to go home. So its doomed really. And maybe this time, maybe next, maybe in 5 years you will really believe that this is making you so unhappy that you could not be more unhappy apart. And then your marriage will end. Its broken already because of this issue....does he understand any of this ?

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2013 19:40

He will never admit it though and gets very offended. And. My husband has always refused to see that she has a problem and gets quite angry at me if I bring it up.

Massive denial across two generations. In order to deal with his own problem he will also have to deal with his issues around his mother's drinking. That is VERY hard actually IMO impossible without professional help.

Original poster

Autumn12 · 13/05/2013 19:41

No I don't think he understands. He thinks I should just accept it and not give him a hard time. Because he isn't out cheating on me and doesn't intend or mean to hurt me.

We have a baby on the way and so he thinks we should find a way to work it out.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/05/2013 20:00

He means you should find a way to STFU about it

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 13/05/2013 20:01

^^ That

tribpot · 13/05/2013 20:09

I think he's welcome to start another relationship with someone who shares his perception of whether his drinking is a problem. However, at the moment he's in a relationship with you. And you find it to be a problem.

You said in your opening post our entire relationship has been blighted by his drinking. This is not something one would say about a partner who occasionally went out and got a bit merry with his mates.

TheOrchardKeeper · 13/05/2013 20:17

He just wants the issue to go away...which means you shutting up.

This must feel like hell right now but you sound so much more 'done' than in your other post I read a while back & it only gets more hellish when there's a tiny, very dependent person in the mix.

You're doing the right thing.

It's not how often you drink (or at least not just that) but the intensity of it & your ability to control it. He's only managed one out of three there in terms of sorting it out. It's not good enough.

And no way in hell do you need to help him. With things like this, besides support (if they bloody deserve it), you can't change his behaviour/attitude. He has to want to do it, or it's a hollow action.

But I think you know that & just want some peace and stability before your baby arrives!

Who'd blame you!

TheOrchardKeeper · 13/05/2013 20:19

To word it harshly...You already have/will have a baby. You don't need another one. Another one to look after, worry about etc...

Especially when he's a grown man

TheOrchardKeeper · 13/05/2013 20:21

(and he's blatantly just clutching at straws because he didn't think you'd make a 'serious' move about it, as you never have before. That would make me even angrier if I were you! Cheeky git)

HerrenaHarridan · 13/05/2013 20:22

Just because he isn't a serial baby killer doesn't mean you should be grateful he shat in your soup!

My ex used to give me that bull, I may of done x but at least I didn't do y and z. What's y and z got to do with x

Your supposed to be grateful because he didn't cheat on you

Well done autumn, your doing great, keep up the no shouting, do not negotiate just keep repeating "I cannot continue to live how we have been living and I am drawing a line under it, this is the end"

This bit is hard, do you have any real life support? Get someone round, he won't want to continue in front if them.

I had to call the police to remove my ex, while my mum dropped everything and travelled 400miles to be there for me.

Me an dd ended up sleeping at the neighbours while the locks got changed and moving house within a week. It was hell, social services had to come and check me out because the neighbours called the police to dv. They took one look at my new house half unpacked, my happy smiley baby and said as long as you don't get back with your ex our involvement is done

If your doing any better than that 10 points

Original poster

Autumn12 · 13/05/2013 20:30

Yes his drinking has always bothered me. When we were dating I would get annoyed but sometimes put it down to being a bit jealous as he had more of a social life than me .

So many special times have been tainted by memories of his drunken behaviour. Our wedding night he got drunk and called me a dick. On our honeymoon he left me to go back to our room at the end of the night when I felt unwell to go to the bar for their happy hour.

He used to go out all the time so to the him the fact that he now rarely goes out should stand for a lot. He cannot see that even once a year is too much for me because its not the going out that is the problem. It's the fact that I can't trust him when he is out. I can't be sure that he will come back when he says, or that he will answer if I call him.

It's been hard for me to accept that he won't change or grow out of it. I've had very mixed messages. His friends laugh at his antics and don't seem to think its a problem. Even when I have posted online I have had a lot of people tell me that I am trying to control him, that he's an adult who can do what he likes etc. I mean just look at my previous thread and a lot of posts were telling me to chill out. Those types of messages have helped me to bury my head in the sand and let the situation continue.

OP posts:

willdivorcesoon · 13/05/2013 20:35

My ex sounds exactly like your dh. He too woukd argue that he wasn't an alcoholic because he didnt "need" to drink every day. However when he did drink he would drink exceptionally fast, I mean literally gulping down glasses of wine and once he started he just didnt have a stop button. There were many incidences over the years where he got so so drunk he had no recollection of events or how he had got into trouble. It was horrible. He made me feel as if I was a party pooper, a bore etc etc because I wanted to avoid any social situation where there would be alcohol. I hated being out with him when he was drinking because it was so embarrassing the state he would get into.

We finally broke up last year not because of his drinking but because I found out he had been gambling and had accrued thousands in debt. But he is an addict and even though he will never admit to having a problem he does.

Your dh sounds the same and whilst it won't be easy the sense of relief you will feel eventually will be immense. I still have my bad days and my doubts at breaking up our family but I know I will be happier without the cloud of alcohol hanging over me.

Original poster

Autumn12 · 13/05/2013 20:38

He isn't harassing me he hasn't left the living room since our conversation earlier. He has said he needs time to find somewhere to go.

There's nobody I can turn to in real life right now. My mum is going through her own problems and my friends will not give the support I need. One lot are single and would give anything to be in my position ie married with a baby on the way and so would encourage me to work it out. My best friend is quite a drinker herself and though she has supported me in the past I don't think she really thinks its a deal breaker .

OP posts:

lemonstartree · 13/05/2013 20:41

I think the mixed messages (from me at least) were because in your last thread you were asking if you were 'within your rights' to be angry at his behaviour. I was trying to make the points that a) being angry wont help and b) there is no "right" or "wrong" behaviour in this area only what you agree as a couple. If your needs are mismatched it will case problems??

I feel very sad for you that your H called you a 'dick' on your wedding day

AnyFucker · 13/05/2013 20:52

Autumn, I think the mixed messages on your previous thread were partly for 2 reasons

the way you worded your OP...it looked like you almost wanted people to tell you were being silly (that is totally understandable, btw)
I don't know if you've noticed this, but there are quite a lot of Manpleasers on MN, as in RL (no offence to present company)

However, I do think the balance on that thread was as this one is. Read it again, look at which posters said what (and how reliably they say the same thing, over and over to lots of different women) and you will see.

His verbal abuse of you is disgusting, btw.

lemonstartree · 13/05/2013 21:04

a lot of posts were telling me to chill out

Thing is, for some people this genuinely would NOT be a problem, Men and women alike. It doesn't Matter at ALL if 50 women say they wouldn't care if their H did this.. you DO care, and he is married to YOU.

A very dear (female) friend used to do this quite regularly - including the monster hangover Saturday - even after she had children. It did not seem to be a problem for her H - so it doesn't matter what anyone else felt about it....

Its the fact that he disrespects you by continuing to do this, - even down to not answering the phone , knowing that you are anxious, pregnant and upset - which is the deal breaker....(IMO)

Original poster

Autumn12 · 13/05/2013 21:08

I actually wanted people to tell me it was ok to be angry. I've been told so often that I'm overreacting or being unreasonable that I doubt myself.

He doesn't verbally abuse me usually. If anything it's me who verbally abuses him when he gets really drunk. I get so angry when he stumbles in totally incoherent. It makes me feel so disrespected and powerless that I just explode with rage.

I think the fact that its not necessarily predictable or regular has confused me too. He can be great for months and come home after a few drinks and not be a wreck. He didn't give me any crap over Xmas despite being out loads. He came home when he said, kept in touch etc. So I start to think that things are ok and that he has got things under control. Then there will be another incident and it feels like everything comes crashing down on me again.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/05/2013 21:11

Bottom line...do you want to live like this ?

Original poster

Autumn12 · 13/05/2013 21:11

When he doesn't answer the phone it's not so much that he is purposefully ignoring me. It's that he gets so drunk that he wouldn't notice it ringing and it wouldn't occur to him to check it.
I go completely out of his mind like I don't exist. I think that is what hurts so much.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/05/2013 21:11

and really love, your tolerance bar for verbal abuse is set too high

Original poster

Autumn12 · 13/05/2013 21:12

No I don't want to live like this. It's why I've told him that he needs to sort out somewhere to go.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/05/2013 21:14

It's the right thing to do. He doesn't believe you mean it though.

Original poster

Autumn12 · 13/05/2013 21:24

I think he may do this time. He hasn't tried talking to me again and he did say "you mean it don't you" when he realised I wasn't going to start ranting and raving and calling all the names under the sun like I have in the past.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/05/2013 21:26

You have to follow through, love

Even if it isn't a permanent thing, you have to mean what you say

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