27 weeks pregnant and need to leave my husband

[Autumn12]

He is a drunk and I can't put up with it anymore.

I posted about him recently and we managed to talk and sort things out after he stayed out all night. However despite the promises he has let me down yet again.

He went to a work rugby event today. I knew there would be all day drinking involved but he swore that he would take it easy.

I didn't hear from him all day so called him about quarter past 6 to see how he was and to find out if he would need collecting from the station later. He sounded ok and not too drunk. He said he would be heading home after the next rugby match. He also promised not to get too drunk and roll in at 2am.

Well here I am it's almost 1am and he is still not home. I've been calling him since 9pm with no answer. I am exhausted but haven't been able to get to sleep .

I finally just managed to get hold of him and he is apparently in east London and kept saying he wants to get home. That's nowhere near where the rugby was or where we live. There is no way for him to get home now unless he finds a cab willing to take him. That's going to cost £££££.

I won't be able to sleep until he finally gets home whenever the hell that will be, meaning I won't be able to manage at work tomorrow. I just can't do this anymore. I'm 7 months pregnant and can't put myself through anymore nights of being awake wondering where the hell my husband is.

I have to accept that he will never change. I can't put a child through this either. He clearly has an alcohol problem though he won't accept it. Being honest our entire relationship has been blighted by his drinking. I should never have married him. I kept hoping he would change. He has got better and goes out less but even one incident a year like this is too much for me. This is the 2nd in less than a month. He said fatherhood would change him but my being pregnant hasn't so why would a baby.

I know.

agree, he doesn't think you mean it. Even if he does and he goes/you go there is a chance he won't ever have a good relationship with alcohol.

I left my ex when our eldest was just 6months old due to his addictions. I went back because he promised promised promised he would sort himself out, stop drinking etc... We went on to have another child, more incidents when he drank and then finally 12 months of marriage counselling during which he was very keen to lay the blame of our marriage problems at my feet. Not once did he confess his gambling. Addicts only change if they truly acknowledge they have a problem and it doesn't sound like your dh is doing that!

Maybe he will believe it when he comes home from work tomorrow to find his stuff moved out of our bedroom.

Its so hard to follow this through, because you have so much invested in this relationship - and this should be a time of happiness and excitement for you as a couple.

BUT - if you do not, he will again think he has 'got away with it'; that you have accepted this pattern as reasonable and it will continue. what can he possibly SAY now that will convince you he understands and respects your position?

i kicked my H out the first time.. and we lived apart for 6 months. Somehow I was stupid enough to believe his 'talk' that he would be different in the future. He was not. It took me 2.5 years to get him out again although I realised in about 4 months that nothing at all was different. That was wasted time. Time that damaged my children and damaged me; if I regret anything it is that I didn't act decisively the first time....

I think you are in London. If you are in the SW ,send me a PM and I'll buy you a coffee xx

Well done Autumn you're doing brilliantly. Stay calm, if you can. Not just for your baby's sake, and your own, but as this seems to be helping him see that you are serious this time

How you doing, OP ?

Thinking of you today Autumn.. x

Today is difficult. He is texting me begging me to tell him what he needs to do to keep me. He is vowing to never go out again if that's what it takes. Clearly that would never be sustainable but he won't have it.

The one thing that would potentially help ( and I have to say I'm sceptical) would be for him to seek help for his drinking. He has not mentioned that and I am not about to suggest it. If it doesn't come from him it won't happen.

Such a tough situation. I'm not sure he sounds like he means it 'if that's what it takes' sounds like he thinks you are being histrionic. Just one more support message - My dad (lovely person, much loved by many people) is a binge drinker like this, can't stop til he falls over, does it often (having a good time etc) missed my birth as on a bender (I'm mid 30s) mum stayed with him (30+ yrs) and she has fought depression including pnd and her own alcohol issues for all that time. He recently fell off a bus and ended up in hospital for concussion. Also never rings mum when on a bender. That's not what you want your life to look like. Easy to say though.

Yes, now comes the begging

I assume you have heard all these empty promises before

And interesting that he hasn't suggested allowing any outside scrutiny on his problem, I assume he wants to continue to keep it "within the family" which as you know is not recommended, and certainly hasn't been of any benefit (to you) so far.

Thanks and I do totally agree. I think the major driving force for me is that I can't stop my baby from inheriting a drink problem if its genetic (and I feel guilty enough about that) but I can stop or at least minimise any problems that may develop as a result of growing up to see problem drinking as normal.

My husband grew up in an environment where people drank a lot. His mum will drink an entire bottle if wine to herself plus then start sneaking brandy into lemonade. You can see her get twitchy if there's not going to be access to alcohol. One time she stayed and was pushing to go out for dinner. We weren't hungry but she kept on and on. It was apparent to me that what she really wanted was the opportunity to get wine with dinner. She ended up going to the shop for a bottle. That's not normal to me especially when nobody else is drinking. DH won't see it as a problem.

I see the same tendencies in him and I don't like it.

He is texting me begging me to tell him what he needs to do to keep me. He is vowing to never go out again if that's what it takes. Clearly that would never be sustainable but he won't have it.

The only response here is to say (and repeat, and repeat, and repeat): "I have made my decision; there is nothing you can do to change it; you need to find somewhere to go."

You are doing the right thing to kick him out OP - wish I'd had the balls to do that. My husband behaves in a very similar way and I just can't handle it. When DS was born three years ago was the worst. I had bad anxiety and insomnia due to PND - he couldn't handle the difficult situation and went on all night benders.

I so nearly kicked him out, but we had a lots of counselling etc and things got better, but never back to normal as I have lost trust and respect for him. Now he has such low self-esteem and depression and is so defensive. Whenever I ask him to do anything he takes it as an attack or me "telling him off" - feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I also can't sleep whenever he goes out in the evening, even though MOST of the time he doesn't stay out too late anymore. Things were better for a while and I felt optimistic - I am now 15 weeks preg as a result of this. Asked him a favour this morn and he bit my head off and sulked. Wish I'd ended it before getting preg again, don't know what to do now. Sometimes he's really good and helpful and I can't bear the thought of childbirth on my own, and I really wish we could work things out. But alcohol problems are still lurking, our communication is in tatters and I can't stand his teenage behaviour anymore :( On the practical side we've got a new house that needs decorating, a mortgage etc, I've no idea if/how to extricate myself from all this and am terrified of being a single mum of 2. And I know he'd try to get the children.

Not wishing to stir the pot further, but have you asked him what he was doing in East London at that time of night ? I suspect that he and probably some colleagues/friends went out of their way to find a late bar strip club in order to continue drinking.
Given that he had been out all day at a corporate jolly but still needed to continue until he was insensible, you could gently point out that it's not healthy and you've had enough.

If it helps, my DH used to do this and very frequently in my final trimester before DC1 was born. He grew up when we had kids and it stopped but it took a fairly major fail in a strip bar in East london to shock him into it. He ran up an astronomical bill while sh#tfaced. Not only did he have to acknowledge that he had been so drunk he had royally been taken advantage of, but due to the location he was in, had left himself open to charges of infidelity and he knows our marriage would be over.

These days he goes out so infrequently that he can feel himself getting plastered after a couple of pints. He doesn't like it any more and is happy to stop now. I say this so you know that kicking him out now might not be the end of your marriage. It might be the making of it.

Something to do with getting a train to Stratford so he could get the jubilee line. I don't know exactly nor really care at this point. The fact is that he stayed drinking and didn't contact me yet again.

"If it doesn't come from him it won't happen"

SO true OP. Hope you're feeling ok today?

It really is too little, too late (for now anyway) but you know that, don't you?

Maybe he'll accept he has an issue & seek help, & you can cross that bridge if/when you get to it. But for now you are doing the right thing.

You're going to make a brilliant mother by the way & sound like you have your head screwed on just fine

Indeed you do, autumn

OP sounds like you are doing the right thing for you and your children which is the main thing. I'd hope your husband would see sense about his behaviour but if not, it is very much his loss.

I clearly remember my mum being pregnant and her (alcoholic) husband not being home from a bender after work and my mum having to make her own way to hospital and leave us children with neighbours. It is one hell of a life to lead not knowing which nights your husband will be home or not, always feeling anxious when they go out in case they go AWOL and you're back to square one again. It does affect children growing up in those sort of households when problem drinking becomes the norm.

Good luck to you, I think you're right to nip this in the bud now & not put up with it and I hope things work out. I just wish my mum had done the same.

Dontyouwantmebaby- that totally sums it up. Sorry you had to go through it growing up.

The fact is that I don't like how his behaviour makes me either. I turn into a bitch and end up texting him vile things because I am so angry. Of course he is too drunk for any of the messages to affect him and then once things calm down I look just as bad for having lost my temper.

I don't like that I get annoyed if he mentions that he is going for lunch, or planning to meet someone. I try not to show it but I get irritated and start being a cow to him. He thinks its that I don't like him going out and it's true but not in the way he thinks. I get annoyed because I start to think of scenarios that may occur like him staying out til the early hours and then I get anxious. Of course 9 times out of 10 he comes home and all is ok but the one time it's not just totally erases all of the ok times.

All he see's is that he only slips up two or three times a year and not a month like in the old days.

He shouldn't slip up at all if he can't drink responsibly.

What does he think being a parent is all about eh...? Oh, right, responsibility .

Hope you feel like you at least have some support on here, if not anywhere else & can see your plan through. We're here for all of it, if you need us

(I'm not saying you can't drink if you're a parent btw, before anyone jumps on that. Just that if you know you can't keep yourself together & get blind drunk everytime then you just don't drink. No ifs, buts, once-in-a-blue-moons etc etc).

Autumn - your last post sums up my situation almost exactly, sigh. Good for you sorting it out.

I would also suggest you contact Alanon, if only to get some more reassurance that you are being reasonable, from people who have been where you are.

Autums, Where do you want to be in a years time ? Do you have any respect for your husband ? In my experience love can return, but lost respect is almost always the kiss of death.