Marriage ended after 27 years. This is "My Death".

[mrsmciver]

My husband left 4 weeks ago after I found some dubious e-mails to another woman he works with. I have posted about this on another thread, but still need the support from all you lovely ladies out there.
I asked him to go to his mum's after I went mad screaming and shouting and both of us crying. He went to his mum's, then round to my parents explaining himself and accepting all the blame.
I still let him in the house later that night and we both sat talking and crying about how we would get over this, then he collected some things and went back to his mothers.
I phoned him the next morning demanding the ow mob number but he would not give it to me as he said i would jeapardise his job if she went to his boss. We were both still crying and he asked what to get for his breakfast as his mum only has fried food and he likes to keep fit and eat well so he went to shop to buy that and washing powder for his clothes.
He also came up later that afternoon and we both talked some more. He said he had been very flattered by the attentions of this high powered business woman and had got carried away, swore there was nothing physical.
He told me he would give me her mob number once I had calmed down and to be careful what to say to her as it would cost him his job. he said he would give it to me the next morning whilst on the train as he was away for a few days on a business meeting.
Next morning he phoned and gave me her number, I put it in the drawer as after all the trauma I could not face calling her, was in no state to do so. later that evening after another sleepless night, he phoned sounding like his normal self, and I told him I had not contacted her, but he probably knew that as she would have phoned him if I had.
I then asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. he said it was so out of character for him to do that and that the blinkers had been taken off his eyes and that he must have been very unhappy to have done it in the first place.
I got very upset, begged him to come home, but he won't. He is staying at his mum's. I ended up in hospital after trying to end it all. Can't imagine life without him. And now he wants to settle all our financial affairs and divorce. Am distraught. We have two daughters, one is sitting her Higher exams right now and the other is expecting a baby. They have been so wonderful, they are so strong, told me I am better without him. He had been treating me badly weeks before and I knew something was "off", that was why I had looked at his phone.
He has said he can't forgive me for looking at his phone and have now destroyed all trust. And that I would make his life hell as I would now be paranoid and forever questioning what he is doing.
He says he has no energy left, nothing to give, and that my health problems have drained him. I have anxiety and stress. But it is not as if he was a carer, I did most things for him! He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he does not want "this.
I am devastated, cannot do this anymore. Have been a mess, shaking stuttering, he was over Frid night and said he is never coming back and that we will be divorcing.
How do I do this? How can I live without him? We have been married for 27 years, ever since we were 15 years old.
I always had a feeling I would die early, in my forties, and this is it, this is "my death", I will never get over this. It is getting worse.

[cover your eyes Mumn]

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

there, that's all my fucks lined up

How am I supposed to hold a sensible conversation with a client when I am skim reading online at the same time and read THAT!!
Almost choked, and am certain client now thinks I have a problem with inappropriate laughing .

Bad girl springy.

lol. I didn't invent the phrase, but I introduced it to this thread. I only type the F word when I am really angry usually....... and I never ever use the C word.......

MrsM, I know you know it, but just let me remind you what you are missing.........

12 stones plus of an aggressive man who has no respect for women, who stressed you to a stage of needing medication, who gets his self esteem (so he thinks) through fucking other women and lying to his wife, and who sails off, plotting, without a backward glance for his own kids.

What you miss, truly, is the security he represents.

But the irony is that when the money is all sorted, and he is out of your life, you will have security and more besides, even if you move to a smaller home on a smaller income.

You will not die in this country through lack of money. But you could have died over slow health degeneration owing to his bollocks.

I really should be saying ' who the fuck do you think you are to do this to me?'

Yes I think you are right, could possibly be the security that I miss.....

I was just round at my neighbours there ladies, she is 83 years old and wears a panic button, I nearly grabbed it off her as I started to take a panic attack right there in her living room!! She kept quite calm and then I managed to recover myself. Don't know what happened, was just worrying about a lot of things and I started to shallow breathe. What has he done to me? Came home as soon as I could.

Bloody hell, can I have a few fucks to calm me down too, what with my twitchy eye and all that, I am soooo the glamourpuss!

Fuck fuck fuck fuck then I say fuck it some more!!!!

Aaah feel better already.

thats it!
I am not reading any more when I am supposed to be 'being disciplined' and actually working business hours!
Mrs M ..... if its working for you, then am really pleased, but how many fucks can a supposedly working woman cope with in one morning!
(no....no.... springy, don't answer that puhleeeeese ... I HAVE to work!)

Skye .... I loathe the 'other' word.

Seriously. I am glad you handled your panic attack Mrs M. recognising and having a coping mechanism is such a big step.
For the little its worth, the only thing I miss about my marriage is the financial security of not having to worry. Probably true for lots of us....and certainly the only thing I hanker for.

Do you think it will be alright?

I worry about an awful lot now. I still pine for him. But then i have to remember what he has done and how he has treated us. If someone doesn't want to stay in a marriage then that's that, but he could have handled this a lot better. He should have told me he was not happy. He shouldn't have treated us like this. And now for his daughters not to have heard from him for nearly a fortnight is just terrible. How can you detach from your children? I do not understand this at all. Maybe he thinks we are all in cahoots and that unless he does what the lawyers letter has asked of him then he won't see the girls?

The thing is, no matter what, the girls don't want to speak to him anyway.

Thanks Ladies, feeling a bit more positive today. Trying CBT of turning a negative into a positive as I'm recognising I am in a deep depression. I'm not safe to work, Im a medical nurse on a ward in the hospital. My distracted concentration could put my patients and my registration in danger. I need to stay off sick until I am able to cope. I am forcing myself to eat now having lost nearly 2 stone. My clothes are hanging off me. My daughter is full of resilience and has pointed out that her dad is not to be trusted and I should not have him back. How mature and grown up of her! I am angry and he is full of guilt! He can't even look at me when I see him. He's lost so much thinking he can be happier with his whore! Claiming he loves me but not how a husband should! He's in lust with her and its all about sex! He did the same thing to me 10 years ago! I'm just very lonely and wish he was here to comfort me which of course he's not!

MrsM, he has not contacted your daughters because he is bothered about what they think of him. He is determined, but a bit ashamed. But why would be not contact them anyway and face it out? Because he is a coward. Because he thinks that in reality their job is to reflect well on him, and if they can't he isn't interested. Because he expects their live and support instead of the other way around. Because he is less of a man.

He thinks he will improve his sense of self and masculinity with a new woman. He won't. He thought he was quite the man with a wife and two daughters but now you judge him badly you are of no use to him.

That is why.

The security you had with him was an illusion. Make your own security and you really will feel safe.

He really isn't "all that". I think once the shock and pain diminish, you will see.

He took the initiative to up and go only after you found out what he was up to. How long might he have let you run about looking after him while he was playing the fool with OW? After DD2's Highers? Before DD1 gave birth? During the summer?

He didn't have the honesty to call it a day when with you but used the excuse of a few days' away on business to leave and then announce his departure. If he had decided you and he were no longer compatible, what of your girls?

All that time together but he didn't have the guts or grace to tell you your relationship had suffered or his affections had begun to drift.

It is hard MrsM when it comes so out of the blue. My XH's "Im outta here" conversation in brief, went like this:

Him - Im going football on Saturday.
Me - But we have that appointment
Him - you said to do what you like
Me - yes, meaning don't go....
Him - Are you happy?
Me - Yes, why?
Him - Well Im not, I never see my friends OW and her H, I dont feel the same any more, I dont want to be here any more, my heart's not in it any more......

All announced one mundane Friday evening, after I had spent the day in town getting our car MOT'd and serviced. Just your average boring day, and my whole life turned upside down forever. The end of my marriage, so coldly and callously announced in our living room.

yes, things had been stressful for a couple of months, due to illness, death, work, money etc, but only a couple of months. By the time he announced that to me, he had been in contact with OW for one month.... he came back for those 6 weeks, unknown to me, texting her thousands of times, then left again, just as suddenly on Easter Monday.

He then claimed to have "tried everything" to make our marriage work...... 6 weeks, during which time he was infatuated with OW...... I have friends who tried to make their marriage work for ten years! because they had kids. It would get better for a while, then go downhill again.... but they tried and tried and tried.....

My XH didn't want to try. He decided that was it, and that WAS it as far as he was concerned. Two weeks before my 40th birthday he left me.... a month before our DD's 4th birthday...

When time passes by and you get some perspective, you realise just how fucked up they are, just how desperate you were to try and hold onto them and just actually realise, why you really don't need somebody like that in your life..

You will get there in time, you really really will.

My Xh left announcing that he would never take anything from us, that he would pay as much as he could and that he would see DD as often as I would let him.

Twelve months on, he wants to pay less and less and he sees DD once a fortnight........ all his own doing.

Sorry to go on, but maybe it helps to see that sometimes, it really is just them and that there is nothing at all that you can do about it.

Skye, we were the same, as in it was one thing after another. Worry about jobs, bereavement etc, it was one thing after another. He was working all the hours.

And then it was the end of my marriage. The person to whom I would always go to when I was down is now my enemy, the person who I trust the least. No one has ever hurt me like he has.

Joanne, yes you will be in deep depression, think that is only natural, but at least you recognise this. Your daughter sounds like my daughters! They tell me never to trust him and he is not worth it. It is bloody hard isn't it? I am pining for him all the time too. My life has completely changed and I miss him! The ache can be very unbearable but then I have to think of how he has treated us and that way I get my anger back. I need my anger to stay focused. I need to say 'Who the fuck do you think you are to treat me like that'? And then I think of my daughters and what he has done to them.......

He is a scumbag, no getting away from it he is. His mother and father are scumbags because they will be pandering to him too.
And then I think how they will all suffer over the years as they will never see the latest addition to the family. So, as I see it, we are suffering, but by god they will suffer more in the long run. And I have to take some satisfaction from that. He is a coward, no doubt about that. A man who ups and runs from his family like that is a coward, a despicable coward of a man who justify's his awful actions in his head by making things up.

God, I am tired, tired and exhausted from all of this. I did not want to be on my own, I did not want to do this on my own. I am so messed up I shouldn't be trusted to do this on my own! How the hell am I to do this? My girls rely on me, my eldest daughter is worried about having her baby and needs me here. I can't trust myself right now never mind anyone else! I am forgetting things and getting stuff muddled up all the time now.
I never imagined doing all this on my own and especially the state I'm in. I have to be there for my girls, I have to be there for my daughter when she gives birth. I have told her I will help her and be there for her. I am so worried, I can barely help myself, how am I going to help my daughter?Oh God.

MrsM - you will cope because you have to. You simply have to for your daughter. and when she gives birth, you will have something else to occupy your thoughts, something else that needs you and will depend on you.

You need to keep the anger. I lost it and spiralled down into depression. I am now trying to lose the irritation that XH causes me.

I cried again this morning, not even sure why! It just happens out of nowhere if I let my guard down......

Keep on telling yourself that you will be fine, that your daughter and her baby will need you. Your instincts will kick in and you will be fine.

Well what do you know?
Scumbag exh finally texted his daughters tonight, after the last text was nearly two weeks ago! Unbelievable(ok, know they aren't speaking to him but still...)
Maybe there was a lot of football on the tv and he couldn't find the time.

Skye, yep need to keep the anger, however i have bad depression too! But if I keep the anger I work better with it.

I hope my instincts kick in with my little grandaughter arriving, as I am neither good to man or beast right now.

Have bad shakes this morning. I feel distraught, keep remembering the good times we had, can't believe this is happening. I loved him, I really did love him. He was my rock and now he is gone. I am a mess. Please help.

This is your worst, lowest point of the day. I know you must be feeling crap. Can you brace yourself before you get out of bed, tell yourself you are not at your best first thing but as the day progresses, you will put one foot in front of the other, draw back the curtains, put the kettle on, get onto MN and plan your day?

There aren't shortcuts, I know that much. It's like a bereavement. You're hurting and overwhelmed by memories of the past and how will life be without that person. Grief. And then what?

You're not alone! you have your DSis, two lovely DDs, a GDD on the way, friends real and online.

What can you see out of the window? I am going to peg my washing out in a minute. It's sunny here. Next door's are getting work done so I'll ask her round for a cuppa so she can escape the noise.

Hi there Mrs M.

I am really sorry that you are feeling low again. I know that you are able to use MN as a place to release those lousy feelings, and that is a really good thing to be able to do, but I wanted to ask if you are also now starting to 'function' in RL.
Are your thoughts here something that you express, and then put back in the box while you begin to get on with the life you need to live ?? ....or are they dominating everything?

Because, Mrs M, venting here is wonderful ....safe, supported, and an outlet .... but if that is the totality of your feelings ...if you are venting here, but not also functioning for your daughters when you are away from here, not starting to show the world that you are making your life your own .....then I am going to say that now is the time when you have to stop focussing on what has been and start to behave as if you are OK. Back to that old "fake it to make it". It is now a choice you need to make

I truly truly am not being callous, or failing to understand. I hope I have been there with you long enough now that you know I am supportive -but your sister was the first to say it, and now I am going to echo her wise words ...... you have to start thinking some positive thoughts, making positive lists, so you can work on them instead of focussing on the sadness, you have to start planning how the future may map out, instead of crying over the bully in your past.
You have to fake being OK in RL so that you are actually there for the daughters who love you.

I know that depression gets in the way of being 'good' but also know your meds are now working much better for you, and things are starting to improve on the anxiety front. Your counsellor is helping you to be stronger and see things more realistically. You have recognised your own patterns for the "up and down". The next step lies with you MrsM ...in making that leap of faith and trusting that you can do this once you start.

So MrsM ....where is it really at, for you, at the moment? (venting misery aside)

Checking back in.

Hello Ladies, am feeling a bit better now. I get so worried and panicky about such a lot of things. Thank you for buoying me up, I need you there.
I do go out and I do try to help myself. But sometimes it all gets too much.

Glad to see you. It is all right to have a low point try and tell yourself you feel wobbly but after a while you need to get up, keep moving, phone a friend, don't let the panicky sensation overwhelm you.

Perhaps it will be easier when DD2 finishes term and is around first thing, (or at least in earshot if she sleeps in like most teens!), you will be motivated to 'fake it 'til you make it'. Do you let her have friends round to stay for sleepovers? Nothing like a house full of teens to take your mind off things.

Hi yes, now that school has finished hopefully it will be better to have my youngest around in the mornings.
I am functioning in rl, to an extent anyway! Going out, getting my hair done etc, I was devastated, still am, am trying to get on with things. But oh god the loneliness is awful, every day I open my eyes and it hits me.
And even though I am trying to keep busy, I am so lonely for him, and I shouldn't be.
Yep my teen will have sleepovers during the hols! I am actually looking forward to it! Good to have happy noise about.

Lovely, she will be a mammoth support (and I know you said already she ahs been) without even realising it.

mrcmciver and all, I have to say I find all the words here inspiring me to keep going through my own hell. It feels one step forward 10 steps back a lot of the time, my kids are all I have now and I'm trying not to cry too much in front of them. I will go to my grave one day wondering how one person can inflict so much hurt and hell on a whole family, all because of their selfishness in wanting to be happier, chasing a fantasy they'll find is not going to make them happier. I read the other threads of those wanting to break up their families, the other side of the coin, I can't understand. When you're married for so long and happily, for better, then something traumatic arrives, for worse, and your husband leaves you and abandons their children over that worse, you just can't comprehend why they cannot try, why they cannot put the feelings of the rest of the family on the same level of importance as their own. It really does feel like a nightmare to me and one that can only be ended by one person.

Keep writing all of you. I hope you all find your way out of your personal situations.

Oh lostin not you too? I am very sorry. I was out today and I met someone who knew someone that this had happened to as well. Men, once they reach a certain age, want to fuck things up big time in their families. It is their mid life crisis.
I was also speaking to two teenagers, and they said their dad done the same thing to their mums too. Each had different experiences but the outcome was the same, their dads put their own happiness before their families and each of them was married a long time. Neither of them speak to their fathers now.
It makes you wary. I am looking at middle aged men in a new perspective now.