Marriage ended after 27 years. This is "My Death".

[mrsmciver]

My husband left 4 weeks ago after I found some dubious e-mails to another woman he works with. I have posted about this on another thread, but still need the support from all you lovely ladies out there.
I asked him to go to his mum's after I went mad screaming and shouting and both of us crying. He went to his mum's, then round to my parents explaining himself and accepting all the blame.
I still let him in the house later that night and we both sat talking and crying about how we would get over this, then he collected some things and went back to his mothers.
I phoned him the next morning demanding the ow mob number but he would not give it to me as he said i would jeapardise his job if she went to his boss. We were both still crying and he asked what to get for his breakfast as his mum only has fried food and he likes to keep fit and eat well so he went to shop to buy that and washing powder for his clothes.
He also came up later that afternoon and we both talked some more. He said he had been very flattered by the attentions of this high powered business woman and had got carried away, swore there was nothing physical.
He told me he would give me her mob number once I had calmed down and to be careful what to say to her as it would cost him his job. he said he would give it to me the next morning whilst on the train as he was away for a few days on a business meeting.
Next morning he phoned and gave me her number, I put it in the drawer as after all the trauma I could not face calling her, was in no state to do so. later that evening after another sleepless night, he phoned sounding like his normal self, and I told him I had not contacted her, but he probably knew that as she would have phoned him if I had.
I then asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. he said it was so out of character for him to do that and that the blinkers had been taken off his eyes and that he must have been very unhappy to have done it in the first place.
I got very upset, begged him to come home, but he won't. He is staying at his mum's. I ended up in hospital after trying to end it all. Can't imagine life without him. And now he wants to settle all our financial affairs and divorce. Am distraught. We have two daughters, one is sitting her Higher exams right now and the other is expecting a baby. They have been so wonderful, they are so strong, told me I am better without him. He had been treating me badly weeks before and I knew something was "off", that was why I had looked at his phone.
He has said he can't forgive me for looking at his phone and have now destroyed all trust. And that I would make his life hell as I would now be paranoid and forever questioning what he is doing.
He says he has no energy left, nothing to give, and that my health problems have drained him. I have anxiety and stress. But it is not as if he was a carer, I did most things for him! He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he does not want "this.
I am devastated, cannot do this anymore. Have been a mess, shaking stuttering, he was over Frid night and said he is never coming back and that we will be divorcing.
How do I do this? How can I live without him? We have been married for 27 years, ever since we were 15 years old.
I always had a feeling I would die early, in my forties, and this is it, this is "my death", I will never get over this. It is getting worse.

MrsM, I know it's scary, but MumnGran is right, it's also an opportunity to think about what you can do next.

All those skills you have in raising a family are very transferable to other aspects of life, the organisation, budgeting, dispute resolution, diplomacy are all useful skills.

However, please give yourself a break, it's such early days.

Your sister sounds great.

Well, when I come to think of it I am good with people, I was always told that when I was working, as I had a good way with people from all sorts of life and had a lot of empathy for them. I also really like animals too. Any kind of animals, am not scared of any at all, and I like being with animals and people. Do not like being on my own at all now! Not sure what I could do with that though, and remember I am limited what I can do physically as I get very tired and sore with my condition.

Mind you, now I am mental too! Loony who loves animals and people! What do I do with that? Circus???

Mrsmciver the Train Driver in the circus!!!

Honestly, I am going mental right enough!

But seriously ladies, any suggestions are more than welcome.

xxx

A volunteer at a dog sanctuary?
Help animal charities fundraise?
An animal psychology or veterinary assistant course?
A zookeeper!

You're doing so well, congratulations on your new life!

Well fostering a cat with babies would be a great way to have something in the house which demands your emotional input and TLC. .... or a small dog. It could be really good for you, and not a permanent commitment which you are not yet ready for.

That might also put you in a good place to volunteer at a rescue ......its not all about dog-walking or cleaning!! the smaller places are usually desperate for people to help with answering the phone, organising a fundraiser etc etc. Wish you lived in my locality as there are at least two who would welcome you with open arms.
Its a place to start.
Think of it as a first step, and if you then don't like the path then you can always change tack.

As for the mental thing .... if you don't label yourself, then others won't know anything about it unless you choose to tell them. Personally, I think I am nutty as a fruitcake
Small steps Mrs M, small steps
But this feels like a 'good' day!!
x

Have been out with my eldest daughter. She had a half day at work and we went into town for a little while. I said to her it is too too much now for me and she got angry with me and had tears in her eyes. I am not a good mother anymore. I am locked in myself. I keep feeling like I am looking at myself from up above, looking down on me.
I am being very pathetic, I cannot seem to drag myself up from the depths. The anger has gone and in it's place is this disabling grief. I do not know what to do with myself, the house is a mess, the dust is about 3 inches thick and I could not care less.
My youngest daughter is going to go and live with her gran if I carry on like this. I can see I am driving everyone away now. And I don't know what to do about it. We are in danger now.
What do I need to do? xxx

Hello mrsmciver, I have been following your thread since the beginning. I don't have much to add with regards the already excellent advice you've been given but I thought I would try to respond to your recent post.

Rule number one is that you need to stop being hard on yourself. Catch yourself when you are doing it, and stop. You cannot control other people's emotions or reactions, only your own. And you are in a place of deep grief at the moment which is going to take time to process. Lots of time. Tedious amounts of time.

Other people will not necessarily understand this and be impatient with this. That is ok. Grieving is going to take as long as it's going to take and there is nothing you or anyone can do to speed things along. You can take baby steps each day and that is ok.

Your daughters may be frightened that their mother is going through such grief and they may feel helpless about it. That is ok. They will be ok. The house is a mess. That is ok. Your youngest daughter may go stay with her gran for a while. That is also ok.

It is going to take time as your new life will take shape. It is going to take time before you will know what this new life might look like. Be kind to yourself first. Look after yourself first. Everyone else can take care of themselves and they will all be ok. Best of luck.

MrsM - It is so difficult when life just goes on. I had to go to the local Jubilee street party last year and sit with other families and it nearly broke my heart to be there on my own with DD without XH. But I had to go and do it for DD's sake because all her friends were there and I didn't want her to miss out on it.

It is so hard to make yourself do things when all you want to do is sit down and cry. But sometimes you just have to find the strength from somewhere and do it for other people, just for a couple of hours.

Regarding the house, nobody ever died from a bit of dust. My house is a tip and I am either busy working, or tired from working, so nothing ever gets done.

Your daughters are probably frustrated and angry, more with their dad than you, but you are there and he isn't. Try and paint on a happy face, go shopping for a couple of hours, then come home and have a little cry.

All you can do is try and get through each day, set yourself a little goal, something to achieve.

Please don't let your X ruin your life. I let mine drag me down to rock bottom and I only just managed to drag myself back up again.

The anger will come back, everything goes in cycles. When have you got counselling again?

I've just been reading your thread mrsm, and you're been through the wringer alright. You do have things to look forward to, your new gc for instance, and a life where you call the shots.

The awful bits are the bits where you are alone and worrying about the past and future. You need something to look forward to for you. Even if its getting books out of the library you want to read, every jilly cooper or something, or doing an ou course in literature or whatever you like- you might even get financial assistance for the lot- just to keep your mind busy.

It might help to make a schedule for yourself and fill it with things to do outside the house or research online. Think what you like doing, volunteer for animal work, go to free art and music things, be a tourist in your own area, join a book club. These are gentle pursuits which will fill your time and allow you to reprogramme your mind without thinking. Keeping busy is old advice- I think " fake it til you make it" is a new way to say it!

Don't stress about the housework. Can you afford a cleaner? Just to come once and do a big clean for the day?

Do you want to sell your house? Would you move nearer your dd? And please don't feel a burden on friends and family, from your postings they love you and any anger stems from how you have been treated.

Oh you are all so wise on here! I am so appreciative of you all, thank you so much for thinking of me. I am not worth it as I can't seem to be able to pull myself up for my daughters, and they deserve better than me. But I have to keep on breathing for them, to at least give it my best shot.

My youngest daughter has had a meltdown tonight. She told me it is me that is dragging her down now, and i have to get a grip. She was really screaming at me, I can't blame her either. She is one feisty girl, no man will walk over her that's for sure.

My very good friend is going to buy me a bible tomorrow, it will be a special one as it is one that she will have chosen. I am not particularly religious but it means a lot to me that she wants to do this for me, and she will mark out little passages in it to give me comfort. She is a very special lady and I love her lots, she has been through the mill herself but is still thinking of others.

I need to help my daughters more, I can feel myself going under. When I was in the shopping mall today I could have just lay down on the floor of it and never gotten up again. I feel no shame any more, I could not have cared less who saw or said.

Thank you all for posting.

xxx

Mrs M

I dropped by your thread near the beginning and been keeping an eye on it and drawn to post again by your comment about wanting to lay on the floor and not get up. In the early and not so early stages of my unexpected break up I remember very keenly wanting to lie down in the middle of the road through sheer emotional exhaution and devastation and just hope thing would go away. This is grief, being emotionally shattered and just not wanting to feel the pain for a bit. BUT. and here is the tough love bit. You understandably want a break from what you are feeling and going through RIGHT NOW. Jesus. You're still in shock. But you are NOT, despite what you think right now, going to feel like this in 8 months, 18 months or 8 years time. No you will NOT Mrs M. There is no silver bullet to make it all better right at this very moment but there are things that you can and will do to make things better over time and don't for a minute think that the groundhog loop you are on now is your life. It won't be.

I'm going to share with you something I haven't posted before as its not really my story but I think you need to hear it. 10 years ago a very close family member left their partner due to an EA with another person. They had 2 young children. The left partner was devastated. Said partner was lovely person, caring parent. Said partner committed suicide one night with no note, warning, mix of alcohol and AD's. This had devastating consequences to both patners family and friends. 10 years on I constantly think that if said partner had not done what they did that night they would have enjoyed many many happy times again with kids, maybe met someone else, enjoyed life again. But at that precise moment they could not see it. DEVASTATING and POINTLESS that someone with so much could not see it at that moment. So. NOONE will be better off without you around and - and I'm not personally religious - but imagine how pissed off you would be looking down on all that you miss out on, all the GC birthday parties, your daughters careeers, not being there to counsel and help them though lifes bumps, your parents and friends. No no Mrs M that is most certainly not going to be you.

All of which doesn't solve the here and now. So. Instead of thinking of the whole of the rest of your life and how daunting that is, just focus on a few key things. Its overwhelming to do otherwise. I'm 2.5 years in and I can't think of everything in the round still. To much worry. Just focus on some things and gradually gradually - and remember its been 8 weeks only my love!! you can't expect to be superwoman - you will climb out of the pit. One step forward, maybe a few backwards, but you will get there.

ooh posted too soon, there is more ;)

I'm going to suggest a project. You have mentioned a couple of times about the house needing painting and your health problems mean you won't be able to do this (I have no health problems but my ineptitude at things practical mean I wouldn't either).

So. Assuming that you are worried as you won't have the cash to pay for someone to do it, whey don't you spend a bit of time plotting as to how this might happen. My suggestions - some of them may be totally inappropriate/shit but....

1. Searching house for items to sell on ebay? (lots of people can help you work out how to do it if you don't already know - I can for a start!) to start a bit of a painting fund.

1. Not sure where you live or if you appetite for it but if you have a spare room down the track (too much change for DD and you at moment) maybe you could get a short term lodger for some extra cash to put towards?

1. Depending on the precision of the job required what about - again not right now but plan to in a few months - organising a room by room 'painting party' over a period of time? Buy the paint and provide pizza and drinks...make it into a funny invite - Mrs M invites her family and friends to paint that man right out of my house etc

1. Do you have a bad financial 'habit'? I live in a town that has strong cafe/coffee culture so can waste $7 a day on takeway coffee....for holidays I've put that money in a jar etc for spending money - did that recently as took DS to theme parks and paid for all our treats and food out etc...really adds up.....

1. Any local trade colleges around? Do they need somewhere for students to practice painting skills?

Anyway, you get the drift. In terms of the dust/house, being paralysed by it all I AM LIKE THAT EVEN NOW SOMETIMES. I'm lucky as have cleaner once a fortnight for main stuff but found that instead of looking around and thinking fark, too much where do I start, just give youself task of one thing a day. Ie, today I'm going to dust one set of blinds etc....like anything once you do one thing it gives energy to do another (bit like having one glass of wine makes me want two ;)....but don't sweat it. A bit of dust never killed anyone!

Anyway, huge huge love from me to you xx

Oh Mrs M I am so sorry that this hiatus has hit before the upped ADs have had a chance to kick in, but it doesn't surprise me that the family are starting to be tough on you......they are closest to you, love you dearly, and are not changing their support of you, but are realising that the way they have supported you isn't helping you right now.

So many of your low feelings are rooted in the depression (as an illness) rather than the actual situation, that it is blurring the picture of how you are really dealing with things. Because you have no control over those lows. They will improve (very soon now, I hope) because of the meds, and you will start to be much more the "you" that your family know and love.

In the meantime Mrs M ....you need to start faking it!! someone upthread (Springy?) mentioned "faking it to make it" ....and it works. Whether you feel like it or not, whether it matters to you or not, whether you care a damn or not, you need to start showing a tiny bit of fighting spirit other than to us here. It is not "better" for your daughter to go and live with her grandmother for a while!! what's better is that you start putting on an act for your daughter so that her home feels OK again and she feels as though she has some support from you.
I NEED TO WAKE UP THE MOTHER HEN IN YOU, Mrs M
Not in a million years would you be allowing your daughters to slip away from you like this, if it were not for the depression. This is not about 'the bastard' or what he has done, any more. That may have started this awful journey, but now it is about being in the black hole of depression, and however hard it is you have got to start functioning....with the meds supporting you.

You know how much we care, here. Regular posters have been on your side since your very first post. We understand, we care, we have walked in these shoes. And we are saying that you must now turn your focus outward to your girls .....FAKE IT IF YOU HAVE TO, BUT WAKE UP NOW & SHOW YOUR DAUGHTER YOU CAN FUNCTION.....plan it with your counsellor if you need to..... Mrs M.

PLEASE, PLEASE, please do not allow allow what has happened to spoil your relationship with your daughters. Talk to us. Please.

mrs M, I am so sorry you feel like this, so very sorry, but your last post seems so very out of character for the person who has posted on the rest of this thread. Your daughters have both had a meltdown and rage at you and you are making it about YOU?

Your eldest is 6 months pregnant, hormonal, scared, tired and has, to a large extent, lost her father. She desperately needs her mother to care about her and support her. Sorry, but you CANNOT let her down right now, no matter how hard it is. You just can't, or you will be putting your immediate needs before your daughters and haven't we talked about someone else doing that to her recently?

Your youngest is going through exams, is worried she has ruined her future and her home has fallen apart. She is terrified. The worst thing would be for her to move to her grandma's house. She needs reassurance that she still has one parent who cares about her. Of course you are nearest, and she is lashing out at you, but doesn't that tell you how much she wants reassurance? Did she initiate the idea of moving out? If she did she probably wants you to show you care and stop her.

It was me that said "fake it till you make it" and you need to for your daughters sake if you don't feel that you can for your own. Stop being so hard on yourself, of course you need to get through this at your own pace, but please cherish your girls. Everything you have posted tells us that you are not someone to let them slip away.

Please, please work with your counsellor and your GP to beat this. My heart goes out to you tonight. Do please talk to us.

sorry Lambzig ... should have remembered it was your quote! This has just turned into a bit of a marathon thread to read back through!

Gosh don't worry about that! Just wanted to emphasise your point.

Mrs M, hope you are ok tonight

Yes, Mrs M ..... come and talk to us

Dear God, what have I done to my girls.

Have just came on and read your posts. I am so ashamed of myself. I have to try harder for my girls, if I go under so will they. I am a disgrace I really am.

Was at the doctors again today and have been put on more medication for severe depression. I am practically rattling when I walk now. My sister took me today after I collapsed whilst out with her. I fell to the floor I got so overwhelmed, and couldn't move with grief. Have not told the girls, do not want to worry them anymore, it is the last thing they need to hear right now. My sister has stayed with me for ages, and then my friend came over and she had bought me a lovely leather bible and marked out some passages in it and, do you know, it has given comfort to me and my youngest daughter tonight as i was reading some of it out loud. Once she had stopped rolling her eyes, she actually listened to it.

The doctor said it was the build up to the holidays tomorrow that exh is going on without me that has made me worse. Am not so sure, I think I am in full flood of grief phase right now.

I have to get a backbone and get better for my girls, I have to, they did not deserve any of this. They need me here and functioning. I have to do this. How right you all are, I cannot put my needs before my childrens. I am going to do my best to keep going on.xxx

Mrs m don't feel bad , you are going to come through this dreadful phase .
Keep focusing on your girls and the future ( if only in the short term)
I made lists every day , this helped me achieve something otherwise I'd just sit doing nothing staring into space feeling sorry for myself. Writing it on a list made me feel I had to do it so gave me some kind of structure ( real small things like put washing in, wild microwave over) also helped me remember stuff when I had cotton wool head.
The day I sat on my daughters floor in floods of tears and rocking because a significant song came on the radio and I looked at her fear something clicked in me and I saw she ( also a strong character) was in pain and I was adding to it , knew I had to change and stop her feeling my pain as well as her own.
You can get through this and like you said earlier his life would be much easier if you no longer were around , now is THAT what you truly want ?

Mrs M ... you mustn't feel ashamed!! This is not a 'blame culture" - at least not on this thread! - and you cannot help being ill. Depression is an illness.
At my lowest point I could sit, and lose hours of a day, just frantically rubbing my thumb But treatment is going to help.

I am sorry you have had such a rotten day, and am sure you were coming here to tell us about it all....only to discover us yelling at you. We were trying to shout an alarm call that might reach through the fug......and I am pleased that you have woken up to your girls desperate need for you, to be there for them, now.
Your GP makes a lot of sense in identifying the holiday date as a factor in this sudden downturn, and just recognising that as a trigger will have helped you. Understanding what's happening is key for you, I think, as it will hopefully let you begin to help yourself heal.

If you find that religion helps you at this time, then I am pleased you have a friend who can give that support. Going to church may also help. Whatever it takes to keep you going right now sounds good to me, though I am not sure that I would push it too hard with the girls.

Also nothing wrong with one night of and more

Keep posting Mrs M. You are stuck with us now until we see you on the up and up!!

Hi Ladies!

Have been reading through your posts and they have been giving me strength to keep going this morning. Both daughters are at work, and am sitting on my own, am not too bad thank goodness. Had a bit of a panic attack this morning as I was thinking, oh should be in the departure lounge, then it was all about the plane taking off. I got into a bit of a state but I phoned a friend and she calmed me down.

Not quite sure what to do with myself but am going to my sisters later on for a bit of dinner, she and my brother in law have been marvellous.

Had a text from my youngest daughter, saying she was so proud of me and I am the best mum in the world!
I don't deserve her, I really don't, and I am far from being the best mum in the world at this time. We put on a dvd last night and watched it with a takeaway, it was called 'Brave', it was an animation but really good - recommend it, defo girl power there!

I know you are all not having a go at me, I do know everyone is trying to help, and you are helping. Reading through some of my posts I sound in the very depths but am just posting what I feel at the time, but if I didn't have you all on here then I don't know what I would be like.......
So Ladies please believe me when I say that you are ALL helping me, I may sound like I am not taking your advice on board but I am. It is just trying to pull myself back from the brink.

I think you are all so very strong, each of you has a journey that you have had, each of you has come out the other side, some of you are still going through it. I would love to be as strong as each of you. Surely if this doesn't kill me then I will be stronger? Has this ever broken anyone?

Downunder, what you said in your post has got through to me, there is no way I am missing my daughters lives and my grandaughter growing up. I cannot do that to myself or to them, I have to be there for them, I have to be. All of this is not just about me, it is about all of us going through our lives together, being there for one another, helping each other out, laughing, crying, changing nappies together! I won't miss out on that, I won't. Noone is worth that, noone, and certainly not him.

Keep me going Ladies, i have huge faith in each and everyone of you, to keep me strong, to keep me wise, to keep me on track. To help my girls.

Reading all of this back I sound so dramatic!
If you knew me in real life before all of this happened to us you would not believe I was the same person. I was always so practical and down to earth. Not the type of person to collapse in 'Boots' the chemist!!
Well, there goes another shop I won't be going in now.
I wouldn't be surprised if there were notices put up outside of shops now telling me I am not allowed in! ' Beware Of this Woman, Stay away, she will ruin all your clothes crying over you and she is a bloody ton weight to be lifting off the floor as well!'

xxx

Hi there Mrs M.
.....in haste this morning, but wanted to say that although you don't know it yet, you too are a strong woman.....and you are going to be an amazing role model for your grand-daughter.

And you never know ....if you one day become famous for writing a book about all this, they will put up proud signs in every one of those shops saying "Mrs M woz 'ere"
x

Mumn, you are the best. xxx

Mrsm, your dd sound lovely, and don't forget you were their for them all through their lives, so take some credit!

Try not to think about him on hols. Hard i know but it it will drive you crazy thinking about it. You have to keep busy with plans and then the day to day of life will fill the rest. Get yourself a big list of all the stuff you want to do ( and don't!) and work through it.

I was once given some advice which I rolled my eyes at " what do you like doing? Ironing? Walking?" And do it! I remember muttering " sitting about reading and feeling sorry for myself:)

My friend disregarded the moany bit and said brightly " ooh, what books? Do you want to join my book club? "

It did work, eventually. It was quite hard finding new things though, as I just didnt know what I liked that was new to me iyswim

Boots will be fine, at least you will get excellent service and maybe even a chair to sit on whilst you direct a personal shopper:)