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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Are my husband and daughter right to be ashamed of me?

32 replies

Aldobaggins · 11/05/2013 20:39

I've just sat through dinner with my 2 teenagers and husband where a discussion about going on holiday ended with my husband and daughter basically telling me I'm just. a big fat embarrassment. I'm about 7 stone overweight and dress comfortably, especially when I'm not at work. I'm not interested in dressing up to impress other people. Surely even if they don't like the way I look, it's not right to bully me like this.
Basically if my husband left tomorrow, I'd be over the moon. There's been a long history of him being critical about my appearance (not that he's any oil painting) and we haven't had sex for about 6 months, mainly because I don't want to do it with someone who is either completely insensitive, or else thinks it's ok to be nasty to me. My daughter is being set aa poor example by him in getting at me, but I can forgive her for being a shallow self obsessed teenager.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 11/05/2013 20:42

No, they are not right. Your husband is abusive and you don't have to wait for him to leave, you can take steps yourself to end the marriage and throw him out. Your DD is being horrible to you because she is a) a teenager and b) her horrible father is encouraging her to abuse you. I'm afraid you will find things tricky with your DD for some time even if you do get rid of your H, but you can get a lot of advice and support on here and elsewhere.

Ruprekt · 11/05/2013 20:42

Life is too short to stay with such a pig!

Can you leave?

StealthOfficialCrispTester · 11/05/2013 20:43

Let him go and then work on your DD - as you say she is a teen and has a very poor example in him

Earlybird · 11/05/2013 20:43

Is it possible they are concerned for you / your health, but expressing it badly?

Tell us a bit more about how you got to be the size you are - was it prompted by anything, etc.?

hearthwitch · 11/05/2013 20:44

No they have no right. maybe they have a right to be worried but if your husband is that critical it emotional abuse. your clearly not happy with the relationship either. It time to get counselling or get out

StealthOfficialCrispTester · 11/05/2013 20:45

And I susoect when it ends, a year later you'll be happy and secure (either with or without someone else). He'll still be a knob.
You sound strong, and you obviously know what you want. Why are you still with him?

Fairylea · 11/05/2013 20:46

Well I'd bet you could lose about 12 stone.
.. by leaving the bastard!

Honestly, how vile. No one has the right to make you feel so low.

I am overweight. My dh loves me anyway and wouldn't dream of making such comments.

Go on holiday on your own.

ElizaDoLots · 11/05/2013 20:46

If I was you I'd let them go alone, and take the opportunity while they are gone of packing up and leaving your pig of a husband.

Chandelierforagirl · 11/05/2013 20:46

Your daughter might be siding with who she thinks has power. Kids sometimes do this. Your partner is showing complete disrespect. It soiudns like communication is a problem between you, so the question is what do you want for your future OP? Head up, shoulders back and eye on your goal.

CatelynStark · 11/05/2013 20:48

OP, you're probably seven stones overweight because you're married to a complete arsehole!

I put on 8 stone when I was with my abusive first husband and NINE bloody stone as a result of the abusive relationship with my second.
Divorce is a great help to lose weight (apart from the 13 stone of ugly flesh you boot out of the door!). Being single now means my weight is healthy and stable. Go figure.

Your kids need telling to keep a civil tongue in their heads too, but I guess they've been poisoned by their father.

appletarts · 11/05/2013 21:08

Maybe your daughter does feel ashamed of you, that's hard to hear maybe but perhaps that's how she feels. I think a mother ought to show her daughter how to be a self-respecting woman in her power and I doubt you give her that to live up to. Lose the weight, dress nice for your daughter so she can say wow that's my mum and get rid of your husband who takes your power and teaches your daughter how a woman shouldn't be treated. When I was a kids my mum was depressed and looked crap, I was embarrassed of her and wanted a mum who took care of herself. Consequently it's a priority for me to show my daughter I care for myself as well as her, and that includes not letting anyone treat me like crap.

Original poster

Aldobaggins · 11/05/2013 21:10

Well I suppose I'm just a coward. where do I start if I want rid of him. I know I'm in a much better place than many women with crap husbands in that I'm earning and the house/bank accounts are in joint names. DS will be finishing school soon and has a place at uni. DH has another 3 years to do and I don't think we could afford 2 stay in this area (school catchment) if we split up. If I'm going to do it how do I start? I've been wishing we weren't together for about 20 years but most of the time we just rub along, then this kind of crap comes up again and I think why am I still here? Do I just go to a lawyer and say I want out then sit tight while all the financial stuff goes on?

Thank god for Prozac.

OP posts:

appletarts · 11/05/2013 21:15

Go to gym, start losing weight.
Buy new clothes, not for comfort but because they look good and feel good.
Have a little affair for boost to self-esteem.
Leave the bastard when you're at your best.
Leave the little affair because it was rebound nonsense.
Get on with your new life.

EdgeOfSociety · 11/05/2013 21:18

How DARE someone who is meant to love you reduce you to Prozac; I am FURIOUS on your behalf. This is disgraceful. I don't care what size you are. Even if (for argument's sake) you needed to lose weight for your health, there is simply no excuse for making you feel like this. I hope other posters can advise you about getting him out, as this ON ITS OWN would be enough. I am absolutely breathless with disgust at this.

Chandelierforagirl · 11/05/2013 21:18

It's horrible reading you call yourself a coward. Clearly you are making decisions for reasons. Perhaps those reasons still have a sound basis to them, perhaps that is shifting. And hell, who hasn't been terrified of leaving the known for the unknown. And I'm not even saying that you have to ltb, any change is going to be a challenge. That's reasonable. What do you want to be doing with your time op? Once you know what you want then it's easier to think about what you need to do to get there.

Original poster

Aldobaggins · 11/05/2013 21:19

Appletarts - in my fantasy life I lose all the weight then kick him to the kerb. I Like to think i'm not the kind of person to judge people on their appearance, but maybe I'm being naive.

OP posts:

SingingSilver · 11/05/2013 21:19

You will find it hard to bring your dd into line while her behaviour is validated by her father. You need to sort that relationship out first.

You say if he left tomorrow you'd be over the moon, so why not make it happen?

EdgeOfSociety · 11/05/2013 21:20

Why on EARTH are some posts focusing on the poster's weight and not this nasty excuse of a human being?

SingingSilver · 11/05/2013 21:20

The problem with losing all the weight first is that it would take months, and you would be fighting the tide of negativity in your household. I would do it the other way round, lose the most important dead weight first!

EdgeOfSociety · 11/05/2013 21:22

Aldo, I live in trackie bottoms and vest tops when I'm not at work, I don't give a stuff and I feel great about myself because I AM HAPPY. You feel good about yourself not from pouting and preening and wearing makeup, you feel good about yourself from feeling content. The beauty industry thrives on making women feel insecure - I am sure you know this - what I am saying is by all means buy pretty clothes, makeup, perfume - I do too just not often but you will NEVER feel happy with a tosser like this in the house!

Original poster

Aldobaggins · 11/05/2013 21:22

I'm not claiming he drove me to Prozac - but it means I can laugh this crap off. Perhaps I need to put along term plan into place - lose the weight, lose the man!. I'm not afraid of him, just afraid of what the change would mean.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aldobaggins · 11/05/2013 21:26

Thanks Edge! That's how I feel re the clothes, but it seems to give others an excuse to get at me. It's a kind of Victorian attitude - like I should be wearing a corset for the sake of decency. Seriously, I know this sounds stupid, but if I do want to end it, do I just go to a solicitor?

OP posts:

Fairylea · 11/05/2013 21:29

Definitely make an appointment with a solicitor and see where the land lies.

Dependent on your income you might be entitled to more benefits than you think. Look on turn to us / entitled to. Com.

I think you'd find a way to manage once you have told him it's over. Lodger? Better than a cocklodger which is what he is :)

And I agree with someone upthread who said this isn't the time to be talking about your weight. It's not what the op asked about.

EdgeOfSociety · 11/05/2013 21:31

Lose the man, THEN lose the weight. Honestly. I am so upset for you. How could they be so cruel? Like you, I can "forgive" your teenage DD, but not your husband.

Fairylea · 11/05/2013 21:33

Edge I am so upset for op too and I really agree with your posts.

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