Are my husband and daughter right to be ashamed of me?

[Aldobaggins]

I've just sat through dinner with my 2 teenagers and husband where a discussion about going on holiday ended with my husband and daughter basically telling me I'm just. a big fat embarrassment. I'm about 7 stone overweight and dress comfortably, especially when I'm not at work. I'm not interested in dressing up to impress other people. Surely even if they don't like the way I look, it's not right to bully me like this.
Basically if my husband left tomorrow, I'd be over the moon. There's been a long history of him being critical about my appearance (not that he's any oil painting) and we haven't had sex for about 6 months, mainly because I don't want to do it with someone who is either completely insensitive, or else thinks it's ok to be nasty to me. My daughter is being set aa poor example by him in getting at me, but I can forgive her for being a shallow self obsessed teenager.

[CalicoRose]

If you move to a cheaper house, your DD doesn't have to move school (if you live in the UK). Once you've got a place at school, it's yours.

So as long as she can still commute to school you can move anywhere you like.

Can you live off your income? If so I don't see why you can't just find somewhere to rent - and move into it.

Would you give your DD a choice as to who she lives with?

[mathanxiety]

You'll never lose weight while you're stressed and feeling someone has their claws out for you will leave you stressed like nothing else will.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Yes, go and see a solicitor and ask how to proceed. Remember that you do not need your husband's permission or co-operation to end your marriage. You can decide for yourself that you do not want to live with an arsehole.
I also think you should get rid of him for your DD's sake. His behaviour is quite likely to put her at risk of an eating disorder, if she doesn't already have one - a teenager who is constantly hearing her father make negative remarks about fat women may be really frightened of gaining weight because she thinks that will make her father turn on her, as well.

[Kafri]

Don't wait for him to leave you..... walk out that door, it'll be the best thing you ever do. who needs enemies when you've got a husband like that.

I keep fretting about my post pg tummy, i've never been slim and pg didn't help in that department defo nothing to do with the copious amount of chocolate i ate but my dh doesn't care.

(Not so D)H should be ashamed that he's teaching your dd to be so judgemental too - it'll not do her any favours in the long run.

Get packing, walk out that door and don't look back!

[EdgeOfSociety]

Plus, I don't want to make assumptions about you Aldo but you may just find that the weight falls off very naturally when you just feel a bit more settled and happy in yourself. I can't advise with the solicitor thing I'm afraid but I do wish you well. FWIW, one of my good friends is possibly a similar size to you - about 16 stone (though slowly losing it) and she is beautiful. Gorgeous honey coloured wavy long hair, beautiful big sparkly blue eyes, in short her face is so impossibly lovely you barely notice her figure. X

[Hatpin]

Yes see a solicitor, in fact find a couple who do free half hour initial appts and see both. Ask if they can recommend a mediator (cheaper than doing it all via your own solicitors, as mediation charges are fixed).

[Aldobaggins]

Thanks for your replies. Will mull it all over - probably for another long time till the next time he really gets on my nerves.

[Fairylea]

Edge I am so upset for op too and I really agree with your posts.

[EdgeOfSociety]

Lose the man, THEN lose the weight. Honestly. I am so upset for you. How could they be so cruel? Like you, I can "forgive" your teenage DD, but not your husband.

[Fairylea]

Definitely make an appointment with a solicitor and see where the land lies.

Dependent on your income you might be entitled to more benefits than you think. Look on turn to us / entitled to. Com.

I think you'd find a way to manage once you have told him it's over. Lodger? Better than a cocklodger which is what he is :)

And I agree with someone upthread who said this isn't the time to be talking about your weight. It's not what the op asked about.

[Aldobaggins]

Thanks Edge! That's how I feel re the clothes, but it seems to give others an excuse to get at me. It's a kind of Victorian attitude - like I should be wearing a corset for the sake of decency. Seriously, I know this sounds stupid, but if I do want to end it, do I just go to a solicitor?

[Aldobaggins]

I'm not claiming he drove me to Prozac - but it means I can laugh this crap off. Perhaps I need to put along term plan into place - lose the weight, lose the man!. I'm not afraid of him, just afraid of what the change would mean.

[EdgeOfSociety]

Aldo, I live in trackie bottoms and vest tops when I'm not at work, I don't give a stuff and I feel great about myself because I AM HAPPY. You feel good about yourself not from pouting and preening and wearing makeup, you feel good about yourself from feeling content. The beauty industry thrives on making women feel insecure - I am sure you know this - what I am saying is by all means buy pretty clothes, makeup, perfume - I do too just not often but you will NEVER feel happy with a tosser like this in the house!

[SingingSilver]

The problem with losing all the weight first is that it would take months, and you would be fighting the tide of negativity in your household. I would do it the other way round, lose the most important dead weight first!

[EdgeOfSociety]

Why on EARTH are some posts focusing on the poster's weight and not this nasty excuse of a human being?

[SingingSilver]

You will find it hard to bring your dd into line while her behaviour is validated by her father. You need to sort that relationship out first.

You say if he left tomorrow you'd be over the moon, so why not make it happen?

[Aldobaggins]

Appletarts - in my fantasy life I lose all the weight then kick him to the kerb. I Like to think i'm not the kind of person to judge people on their appearance, but maybe I'm being naive.

[Chandelierforagirl]

It's horrible reading you call yourself a coward. Clearly you are making decisions for reasons. Perhaps those reasons still have a sound basis to them, perhaps that is shifting. And hell, who hasn't been terrified of leaving the known for the unknown. And I'm not even saying that you have to ltb, any change is going to be a challenge. That's reasonable. What do you want to be doing with your time op? Once you know what you want then it's easier to think about what you need to do to get there.

[EdgeOfSociety]

How DARE someone who is meant to love you reduce you to Prozac; I am FURIOUS on your behalf. This is disgraceful. I don't care what size you are. Even if (for argument's sake) you needed to lose weight for your health, there is simply no excuse for making you feel like this. I hope other posters can advise you about getting him out, as this ON ITS OWN would be enough. I am absolutely breathless with disgust at this.

[appletarts]

Go to gym, start losing weight.
Buy new clothes, not for comfort but because they look good and feel good.
Have a little affair for boost to self-esteem.
Leave the bastard when you're at your best.
Leave the little affair because it was rebound nonsense.
Get on with your new life.

[Aldobaggins]

Well I suppose I'm just a coward. where do I start if I want rid of him. I know I'm in a much better place than many women with crap husbands in that I'm earning and the house/bank accounts are in joint names. DS will be finishing school soon and has a place at uni. DH has another 3 years to do and I don't think we could afford 2 stay in this area (school catchment) if we split up. If I'm going to do it how do I start? I've been wishing we weren't together for about 20 years but most of the time we just rub along, then this kind of crap comes up again and I think why am I still here? Do I just go to a lawyer and say I want out then sit tight while all the financial stuff goes on?

Thank god for Prozac.

[appletarts]

Maybe your daughter does feel ashamed of you, that's hard to hear maybe but perhaps that's how she feels. I think a mother ought to show her daughter how to be a self-respecting woman in her power and I doubt you give her that to live up to. Lose the weight, dress nice for your daughter so she can say wow that's my mum and get rid of your husband who takes your power and teaches your daughter how a woman shouldn't be treated. When I was a kids my mum was depressed and looked crap, I was embarrassed of her and wanted a mum who took care of herself. Consequently it's a priority for me to show my daughter I care for myself as well as her, and that includes not letting anyone treat me like crap.

[CatelynStark]

OP, you're probably seven stones overweight because you're married to a complete arsehole!

I put on 8 stone when I was with my abusive first husband and NINE bloody stone as a result of the abusive relationship with my second.
Divorce is a great help to lose weight (apart from the 13 stone of ugly flesh you boot out of the door!). Being single now means my weight is healthy and stable. Go figure.

Your kids need telling to keep a civil tongue in their heads too, but I guess they've been poisoned by their father.

[Chandelierforagirl]

Your daughter might be siding with who she thinks has power. Kids sometimes do this. Your partner is showing complete disrespect. It soiudns like communication is a problem between you, so the question is what do you want for your future OP? Head up, shoulders back and eye on your goal.

[ElizaDoLots]

If I was you I'd let them go alone, and take the opportunity while they are gone of packing up and leaving your pig of a husband.