Apologies Ledkr I missed your post explaining about the hair pulling and threats. However, my point still stands - he was behaving in a way that was unacceptable; certainly emotionally abusive and bordering on becoming physically abusive, and he clearly enjoyed making you frightened. And yet...you had a second child with him.
I don't have a bee in my bonnet at all - I've only made a couple of short posts on this thread. I realise that with the benefit of 27 years worth of hindsight you can are able to speak as a woman who takes no shit now, but you've had to go through a lot to arrive at this point. And being attacked and raped will kind of polarise your position pretty clearly I imagine.
Clearly there was a here was a point where you were not that strong woman. The point were you didn't walk out with your DS1 under your arm the very first time his father pulled your hair and threatened you.
For other women, the level of ill-treatment may be very minor in comparison, and as someone else pointed out, the fear of being alone is a very big deal. Most women are not prepared to walk out on a home and a marriage and all that that represents for them, because their H is crap at helping with the washing up, or makes unpleasant jibes about the size of their thighs, or had a one night stand once. They may hate it, but they look at everything in the round and they choose not to throw the baby out with the bathwater. And that is their prerogative, all the while they are not in fear of their lives or their sanity.
I thought your OP did come across as a little smug to be honest. You've found a relationship where you feel like a true equal, and that's great, but if your ex hadn't half killed you and forced you to leave for fear of your life, then perhaps you'd still be with him, and still be forever that vulnerable 16 year old in your head, putting up with the threats and the hairpulling as an occasional way of life, because, you know - 'it's just the way he is sometimes, but mostly he is lovely, and he's a great dad.' and all that other stuff we hear all the time on here.
We all have to decide what we will and and will not tolerate and how much is too much, in our own time and in our own way. Personally if I had a man who was fabulous in every possible way except that he refused to do any housework whatsoever, then sure, I might grumble on MN about it from time to time, but I'd not be in any hurry to get him out of my life. In the grand scheme of things I think I'd be prepared to tolerate it.
I think sometimes when people have been through serious, serious shit with men they become so evangelical about standing up for themselves that they lose the plot a little bit about how other people manage to tick along nicely with flawed, annoying, but basically decent, and good enough partners, rather than risk being alone.