Mourning my normal family life

[optionalExtras]

My H moved out 5 months ago after 2 pointless, soul-destroying years of attempting to repair our marriage post revelation of his long affair.

On the face of it I'm ok, looking after 3 DC, going to work, keeping the house in order (of sorts) and generally doing what needs to be done.

But underneath I'm a shell. I'm just so, so sad. Not because I love him and miss him I don't think (though I do miss sharing the day-to-day with him) but because I feel like I am grieving for the loss of family life. I dread weekends and holidays when one or more of the DC are with him, because I feel like I'm missing a limb and I get so down. It doesn't feel real. The idea that our family life is now split into two separate elements, half of which I am not part of, and the other half of which I must manage alone, really hurts.

Living abroad far from family and old friends makes it worse.

I know I have to drag myself out of this.

Hope you enjoy you day, optional. Painting and sewing sound like nice things to do.

I might get the mower out. It terrifies me... will I cut the flex? Is the grass so long it will clog up the mower and dh will find out and think I'm useless?

I hope everyone has a good day today. Today was supposed to be a family day but (D)P has made other plans. I'm another step closer to LTB......

I've got the mower out and I'm going for it, I wish I could magically do all your lawns too. I've also bought myself some lovely yellow tulips (as suggested by a wise poster upthread).

I hope no one minds me posting on this thread given that technically I still have a 'traditional family life'? I am increasingly thinking it is time to call it a day and so I feel a connection with threads like these.

Of course not, verygently! Very annoying about your family day and sad that you're thinking of ending your relationship

I meant to buy myself some tulips when out shopping yesterday but forgot. I had lots of gorgeous ones in the garden but they are over now.

I spent way too much of my day yesterday mulling over the fact that H claims to feel terrible about what he did and yet remains so silent and inert when it comes to doing something about it. I just don't get it. Surely if you hurt people and are truly sorry, you do all you can to ease their suffering? But he has still not said any proper words of apology to the DDs for trashing their lives, over 2 years on! Let alone try to make it up to them in any meaningful way. Why? To me he has said he's sorry but his actions don't match.

Anyway. Painting now.
Good luck with your lawnmowers, ladies!