Mourning my normal family life

[optionalExtras]

My H moved out 5 months ago after 2 pointless, soul-destroying years of attempting to repair our marriage post revelation of his long affair.

On the face of it I'm ok, looking after 3 DC, going to work, keeping the house in order (of sorts) and generally doing what needs to be done.

But underneath I'm a shell. I'm just so, so sad. Not because I love him and miss him I don't think (though I do miss sharing the day-to-day with him) but because I feel like I am grieving for the loss of family life. I dread weekends and holidays when one or more of the DC are with him, because I feel like I'm missing a limb and I get so down. It doesn't feel real. The idea that our family life is now split into two separate elements, half of which I am not part of, and the other half of which I must manage alone, really hurts.

Living abroad far from family and old friends makes it worse.

I know I have to drag myself out of this.

[Chubfuddler]

Oh doe I'm so sorry. Have a hand to hold. You still have a family. You and your children are a family.

[optionalExtras]

Oh Doe you poor thing. I'll hold your hand too. MN has been a brilliant source of wisdom and comfort for me (in various guises) and so many others since our lives exploded, so stick around, sob, ask for support, it's all here.

[optionalExtras]

I remember your threads, skyeblue. You sound like you're coping really well.

I'm not in the market for another partner, at least not until I've sorted myself out a bit. Just as well probably, as fortysomething mothers of 3 aren't generally highly sought-after...

[skyebluesapphire]

I have my dark days where I cry. I wish I could forget him, but can't because of DD. I have enjoyed my holiday but feel sad that he wasn't there. It is difficult being surrounded by families when you are on your own. I still wish that none of this had ever happened.

But DD seems happy and that's what I'm trying to concentrate on.

[duffybeatmetoit]

Don't want my H back and only wish he was no longer part of my life but that wouldn't be fair on DD. I think what really gets me is my hopes and dreams were so simple just wanting a happy family life doing things together and enjoying each other's company. Didn't need loads of possessions or flashy lifestyle.

Slowly adjusting to the reality that it was a pipedream for me and that DD, H and the OW will be enjoying my dream when they are together.

You know that relationships are rarely how they seem on the outside but it's not easy seeing families all around you. DD is so unhappy and gets angry with H but won't show or tell him in case he stops loving her too. Tellingly I overheard her telling her friends "It's alright, my mummy will look after you and she won't run away".

[Troubledjo]

5 months is so new. I completely get what you mean but it really does get better. After a while you will realise that you may not have the life you thought you would have, but you do have your own completely new life.
Try to enjoy some of the good things about being a single parent - you can make decisions for yourself, and do things you and your DC want to do and you might have to do everything for yourself but at least you won't be angry with XDP for not doing things.
I tried to find friends to do things with when I didn't want to do them on my own - holidays, IKEA etc. In fact I have a male friend whose main role in my life is now to go to IKEA with me and DD - he doesn't have a car so he's delighted, and I get someone to help drag boxes around. And the best thing is that we never argue when we're there .
Maybe that's harder abroad though - maybe you could use the time you don't have DCs around to find some new friends and interests...?

[Troubledjo]

Oh Duffy, that's so sweet re your DD. And so important that she feels that about you. You must be a great mum.

[optionalExtras]

Duffy, how old is your DD? What a poignant thing to say.

I sometimes wonder if my youngest thinks like that. He seems to be mostly compliant when with his dad, saving his strops and defiance for me. It makes me feel like a grumpy angry mum who brings out the worst in him, and the DDs, rather than the reliable rock they need me to be

Troubled - I don't have much time without DC as only DS goes to his regularly. The DDs rarely. But I'm slowly broadening my small circle of friends and acquaintances. I need to, since many of our friends were his first so loyalties are divided, and my in-laws are firmly blood-thicker-than-water types. It's hard here in culture that isn't my own, despite having lived here for ages. I'll never be one of them.

[duffybeatmetoit]

DD is 5. The CM was saying the other day that I get all the crap bits of parenting while H gets to be the occasional disney dad. I'm lucky in that DD seems to have already clocked this.

It must be so hard being in a different culture. My in-laws were full of "we're here for you, you'll always be our DIL, we are very unhappy with H, etc etc" despite me pointing out that their loyalties would naturally be with their son. They denied this strongly while including the OW on family trips and holidays and colluding in H's pretence that he barely knew her. Might have been more effective if they had all been a tad more discreet on FB .

Is returning home a realistic prospect? How would DCs and X react?

[SwishSwoshSwoosh]

5 months is not long to absorb all that has happened so be gentle with yourself. I think your feelings sound very understandable and it is healthy to grieve when we have lost something we wanted.

Sorry this has happened to so many, wishing you future happiness.

[springykitsch]

Not everyone is coupled up, you know! It's just not true that everyone is - a whole host are not!

Anyway, that's besides the point: you are grieving, and grieving takes a while to work through. I have had a relationship 'bereavement' (not the same as yours) and tbh had to write off the first year - I was completely out of it. You do settle in to your new life over time, but let yourself grieve. Crying is second nature to me and I'm not even conscious when I do or don't iyswim. I am healing and that takes time.

It helped me most when I stopped fighting it and wishing it (the grieving) was over and everything back to normal. ie I accepted it. Not wallowed in it (though even that is appropriate at times) but accepted it.

How would your kids feel about a move back to blighty? YOu say you want them to have a relationship with their dad, but at your expense?? Maybe not...

[springykitsch]

re it's not always the best course of action to martyr yourself for your kids.

[toysintheattic]

It is not always as easy as saying move, as it will be better for you.....I am in the UK, moved here 11 years ago to live with then marry STBXH. My DS is 5, STBXH and I split 15 months ago. I CANNOT leave, at least not unless I leave my son behind. There was in fact a big case around this not too long ago when a mum wanted to move back to her home country and was told that despite the distress it would cause her, she could not take the children with her. Being here, away from friends and family, is a massive source of deep anger for me towards my ex, but I have to accept that I have to make a life here for myself because I'm 'stuck' here. And it is better for my son that he has his dad in his life (ex is a good dad just a crap husband!) The OP may find that legally she is unable to take the children out of the country that she is in currently, at least not without the permission of their dad.

[optionalExtras]

Just had the H here to discuss practical stuff. He appears all miserable, but that could easily just be an act he puts on for me. More than possible, given his form for pretence. It's like having the murderer of my life in the house, saying he's sorry but not actually behaving sorry

It'd be a million times easier if he was out of my life completely, but like all of us, the DC make that impossible.

What you say is very true, toys and the same has happened to a friend of mine. X has said that he wouldn't prevent it if it was what all of us wanted. Which is all very nice etc but if one DC isn't keen (as is the case), I couldn't do it. So I can't for now.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Just had a wry smile OP. EXH does miserable on the occasions I see him, while trying to play me and intended new wife off against each other. Just part of his very manipulative personality unfortunately. I mostly communicate via email to keep the mind games to a minimum. Doesn't stop it all, but it helps.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

I feel like this:

I don't want my husband back, he's an abusive cunt. But the future I thought I had, the future I planned to have, is dead. Right now my children are at his house. I have to share them. It is right that I share them, but I hate it that they aren't here some of the time.

I've been separated seven months. It's getting better, well it's not consistently bad any more. Sometimes now when my DDs are with him I get loads done and enjoy myself. At the beginning I would just sit and cry.

Like you, OP, I regret the wasted years flogging a dead horse. If it was going to be painful like this I wish I had done it earlier and got it over with when I was younger and more attractive and more likely to find another bloke one day

I really don't want anyone else right now, but at the same time I don't want to get old on my own.

Some days I feel so full of anger. Dh wasn't a cheat, but he was EA, sneering, negative. He destroyed my self esteem. I feel so sad when I think about how hard I tried. He was such an arse, didn't realise how lucky he was. I feel such a fool for marrying a controlling, entitled idiot who was fourteen years older than me. He should have realised he was a lucky bastard but the glass was always half empty, the criticism relentless. He made it so hard for me to leave but if he'd valued me in the first place I would have stayed forever. I knew if I didn't leave I'd kill myself, so I had to in the end, meaning he can pin all the blame on me, take no responsibility. His family have ostracised me and everyone feels sorry for him. It's not fair.

I'm cross with him for how he turned ME into a much more negative person, crushed my spirit and optimism. That happy person I once was feels lost. I look at pictures of myself in my twenties and feel so sad knowing what was ahead for me.

And doing everything oneself is so tiring. I didn't mow the grass last weekend and I don't want to do it today or tomorrow either, but it needs doing.

Angry for everyone on here.

Sorry for the rant, please forgive me.

[Chubfuddler]

Hugs for all of us. I also need to mow the grass. I don't own a lawn mower (adds to mental list: 1) buy mower 2) learn how to operate mower 3) mow lawn ).

[verygentlydoesit]

Hugs to you all. My useless P (possibly soon to by EXP), has mowed the lawn once in the 9 years that we have lived together.

Mostly I do it myself, but I have found that of all the things that I could outsource it is relatively cheap to get it done- costs me £4 for friendly odd job guy to do it. Mind you, it's quite small......

[Chubfuddler]

Mine is small. Everything about my new house is small. You could fit my entire new house in the hallway of our old house. Not that that is important.

Perhaps I will get odd job man to do it.

[Couragedoesntroar]

OP it is early days for you. I find that it stays present, but much fainter and other joys get brighter. After 5 months I was nowhere near feeling ok. Happiness does return and a different normal begins.

[optionalExtras]

tired, I can completely relate to your anger. I still feel it a lot, sometimes it shocks me with its strength. It worries me that I still get so fiercely wound up by it, over 2 years after I first found out about his sordid cheating ways. Maybe because he's still lurking in my life and has not succeeded in reducing the impact of his actions? Or because he says he's sorry and wonders out loud if there's still a window of opportunity for us despite him not having changed? Or because I wasted so much time like such a complete mug giving him chances he didn't deserve?

So I'm relieved to hear that it has taken many of you a long time to feel properly ok again. I'm quite good at putting on a face for everyday - I keep it together in the week and for others, so people think I'm doing really well, but it falls apart when the DC aren't here or if I have to talk to the H.

This afternoon was completely horrible, but I've just had a lovely evening with DD.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

I'm glad you had a nice evening optional. I did too, I've got my two here this weekend.

I wish I could let go of the anger. I hate being angry. It's one of the things I resent the most - not just being denied my kids or having to mow the grass but being turned into an angry person when I never was.

The children haven't coped too badly with the split but it hasn't all been plain sailing. Dh hates me for leaving him and blames me for any problems the children have. I think you absolute cunt, this was your fault, not mine. Being abused, putting up with too much for too long, escaping for sanity's sake and then being painted as the villain is unbelievably galling.

Hopefully in six months time things will be a little better, and six months after that, better still.

I agree with you that it's good to know that it takes time, while it's sad to think of others suffering too. I was so desperate to get out I didn't realise that the shiny new life wasn't going to feel shiny at all to start with.

I hope you have a nice day tomorrow too.

[duffybeatmetoit]

Optional that sounds like me (bar the wanting to come back). I just thank my lucky stars for an intense job which means I can shut out the realities of my life for large sections of the day.

I don't like the anger and frustration either or the feeling that I am hopeless at judging characters having got H so completely wrong.

I feel a shadow of my former self but perhaps that's a good thing if it fails to attract the likes of my H.

[skyebluesapphire]

My front lawn is about two foot high now and apparently the neighbours have been discussing it

I have got a lawn mower but don't even know how to start it! Last year my neighbour mowed my front lawn for me but he has recently had a hip replacement so hasn't done it this year.

I resent XH too for taking DD away from me for four days a month. Then I hate him for not wanting to see more of her. And then I'm relieved because it means I see more of her!

[optionalExtras]

Duffy yes, work is my saviour too. My colleagues are fun and very supportive, as is my boss.

I made an fool of myself the first time I tried to mow the lawn - my burly neighbour who never normally speaks heard me struggling to start it and yelled over the hedge 'do you want some help, love?'. I squeaked a pathetic 'yes please' and he came over and explained very slowly (he knows I'm foreign, but perhaps not that I am fluent in his lingo... or he just thinks I'm a dimwit)

skyeblue I know that resentment. When at my angriest and most crazed with sadness I don't believe he deserves these good kids he has had so little hand in raising, and whose mother he has treated with such contempt. But then I remember that they need him and his rights and wants are actually irrelevant as long as he can be a half decent dad.

Today I'm on my own, as 2 DC are with H and the 3rd is out with a friend. I have painting and sewing to do so I might even enjoy the time, who knows!