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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

confused by dh reaction...

24 replies

threesypeesy · 09/05/2013 09:15

So I went to bed last night, currently co-sleeping with dd and my phone lights up with a text from dh who was down stairs. He asked who x was as Ihad just recieved a private mail from him saying if I disnt message back he understands it may be awkward?? I hadn't seen this pm and still have not read it as I have no interest is someone wjo I was at school with 14years ago. Dh had seen the message as I left my hotmaiHotmail open on laptop, this is normal for me I am not a private person so my wjole jouse knows my passwords etc certainly nothing to hide.

Anyway dh goes mental claiming my lies have cought up with me???? I would have messaged back given the chance etc I wouldn't have , I would have told dh and deleted.

Hes now not talking to me and I am so confused why he is acting like this.

Sorry I rambled hope you can make sense of it I am just so dumstruck by this

OP posts:

Dahlen · 09/05/2013 09:31

Is he generally insecure or slightly controlling? Has he been cheated on or cheated on anyone else before? Also, I don't want to plant seeds of doubt, but any chance of transference going on here?

Hope you sort it out.

Original poster

threesypeesy · 09/05/2013 09:35

He has cheated several times in our first couple of years together resulting in an 8month break up. Ive never thouhht him to be insecure. It is just so surreal I cant possibly have control over someone pming me out the blue after 14 years and I certainly would never do anything to jeopardise my marraige its just not me if I am honsest I am gutted he doesn't know this.

OP posts:

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 09/05/2013 09:43

He has cheated several times in our first couple of years together

There's the answer to your question. His reaction was extremes because he still has guilt. Or maybe he is thinking you are now 'equal'.
Either way, his reaction was extreme. Maybe look at the message and reassure him you're not a cheating twunt like him.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2013 09:46

Absolutely agree with the above. He's a cheat and therefore thinks everyone else is as deceitful as he is. He probably thinks you're getting you're own back. Massive overreaction whichever way you look at it. Wonder what he's hiding....?

Original poster

threesypeesy · 09/05/2013 09:48

I really have no interest in the message I told him I thought it was inappropriate for the guy to private mail and he knows I havemt deplied as he read it and that I wouldnt reply as I wouldn't be happy if dh had done ot either.

I dont think its guilt either he has always said he only felt bad as I eneded up being the girl he married

I have been trying to reasure he wont listen or look at me and isnt replying to my text I sent him . Its really umlike him.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2013 09:52

It's 'transference' in psychological terms. He's taking his own failings (infidelity) and he ascribes them to others. He thinks everyone is the same as him and looking for a bit on the side. Why on earth shouldn't you receive a PM from someone who knows you? It isn't inappropriate at all. What is he the e-mail police?

I really wouldn't bother trying to reassure him any more. He's made up his own story and he doesn't seem to trust you at all. I'd be very angry and very offended in your shoes.

fuzzywuzzy · 09/05/2013 09:57

Are you sure he isn't having an affair again, had one recently or is beginning one?

Otherwise I can't see any logic to go off on one unless its a case of going on the offensive first.

Read the PM so you can see what you are dealing with.

Original poster

threesypeesy · 09/05/2013 10:08

God I hope not fuzzywuzzy I couldn't go through it again although he is far more secretive I dont know his passwords but I have no desire to and he does delete history from laptop after every use

I really really hope its the offensive one more .

Feel like ive the weight of the world on my shoulders this morning. [Sad]

OP posts:

MadAboutHotChoc · 09/05/2013 10:37

Another one who thinks its because he is judging you according to his standards and morals - I would think these have not changed since he first cheated on you....

Original poster

threesypeesy · 09/05/2013 10:48

Its realluy unfair of him to do that. Its taken alot of effort on my part to move on from the past and I still struggle daily with it, I could never put another person through heartache like it .

I am sitting here feeling let down if that makes sense, that he would tjink so little of me.

Dreading him coming home from sork dcs are all at thwir nanas tonight so no doubt there will be an argument

OP posts:

QuintessentialOHara · 09/05/2013 10:51

My first thought was that he is projecting, and lo and behold, your second post confirms he is a cheating bastard.....

BigBlockSingsong · 09/05/2013 10:56

I think perhaps its a guilty conscience talking, although read that message sometimes people send things that are inappropriate without thinking how it might look to a partner,
theres one bloke who messages me now and again,it starts off normal then talking about all manner of 'strange things' like bdsm things I have never met this person, don't encourage it in anyway but would look awful to DP,
And I think also men don get that telling a man to 'fuck off' can make matters worse, men are more likely to just say f* off to someone who was bothering them.

Loulybelle · 09/05/2013 11:23

Cognito is bang on about the Transference, hes got a guilty conscience, and probably thinks in his head, if you did get even then he couldnt react betrayed because he is the betrayer first, thats the price he pays if he seeks forgiveness, he has to live the weight of his own guilt.

Snorbs · 09/05/2013 11:27

You're right. It is desperately unfair of him.

Sadly this is the measure of the man you're married to.

Bant · 09/05/2013 11:37

Wow. I agree it's an over-reaction on the husbands part, but if a woman posted on here that she'd seen that message on her husbands laptop, there would be a chorus of LTB, assuming he's cheating. And if the woman admitted to having cheated in the past, there would be all the more calls for it, assuming he was getting revenge.

Huge double standards on here. Huge.

fuzzywuzzy · 09/05/2013 11:44

We have no idea what the message says. OP hasn't read it!

I don't think the reaction would be disimilar if it were a male OP.

If a DH came on and said his wife who had cheated in the past had been going thro his emails had seen one from an old school friend and then went off on one altho he had no idea what it said himself, my reply would be no different. Former cheater spouse is being hugely unreasonable and projecting at the very least, the OP needs to read the email first to see what is going on.

Bant · 09/05/2013 11:50

The message said 'If you don't message back I understand it may be awkward' - that could obviously be read as a secretive message.

Given that I've read threads on here on similar topics saying 'if you suspect him of something, he's probably cheating' then it just seems a bit off to start blaming the husband for his suspicion. Yes it's probably exacerbated by historic guilt, but putting all the blame on the husband is a bit rich, really.

Lweji · 09/05/2013 11:54

I thought projection, then read your second post...

And I'd suspect the cheating was still going on.

After episodes of cheating, if I had stayed with that person I wouldn't accept not knowing passwords or deleted internet history.

I wouldn't accept this level of distrust either.

fuzzywuzzy · 09/05/2013 11:55

He hasnt had a discussion with her about it, and if the full message is 'if I didnt message back he understands it may be awkward' that's not something to go off the deep end about, I'd suggest former cheater OP to speak to wife who has no history of cheating and get the full story.

It's not the same at all.

I'm pretty sure a poster of either sex would get the same reply. Spouse is acting very unreasonably exacerbated by their own history.

Original poster

threesypeesy · 09/05/2013 11:55

Thats The only part of the message my dh mentioned bant I have not read it as I really have no interest in what ever it says this person was only a random from school 14 years ago .

I am so confused over his reaction as I have never given him any cause for concern and been nothing but faithful unlike himself in the beginning.

OP posts:

Lweji · 09/05/2013 11:55

If I had seen similar messages to a partner, I'd wait to see what his reaction was.

And talking about double standards, he did cheat, so why get so much worked up about the remote possibility of his wife cheating?

Original poster

threesypeesy · 09/05/2013 11:59

Dh has seen that I have not replied had I seen the message 1st I would have said to dh oh thats a bit random blah blah blah and deleted it howver dh seems to think if he hadn't seen it I would have replied and started something

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2013 12:22

"Huge double standards on here. Huge"

Rubbish. If there's a 'usual' post about this kind of thing it's never just one isolated message. There are either other messages with flirty replies or indicating people have already met up or there's been other dodgy behaviour in the run-up e.g. partner secretive with phone, suddenly argumentative over tiny things...

BigBlockSingsong · 09/05/2013 14:05

Something very similar happened to me OP on the dreaded fb,
some complete stranger messaged me 'you're right pretty , etc etc'
I saw the messaged , and I just thought I'd ignore it.
Because I didn't msg back 'FUCK OFF' my DP gave me the cold shoulder for a day, I kept texting saying whats up, 'nothing' etc knew it was a lie, came over to mine still sulking, I finally coaxed truth out of him and he blamed me, said like you got, 'probably gonna message him back'
I exploded, told him to get out!
after a long discussion said , if that ever happens again its over!
I think you need to discuss and nip it in the bud op.

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