"when good people have affairs"

[confusionoftheillusion]

I'd like to read this book To try and understand my recent behaviour but as DH and I are living together I can't just go and buy the book. I've tried to download via iBooks (it says they don't have it) and kindle (again the search won't find it).

Does anyone know how I can download it?

Thanks

It probably means there isn't an e-version available.

But having read and posted on your other thread, what you say about your behaviour means this probably isn't the book for you. No matter how desperate you are to hold on to the shred of an illusion that the affair (which you have been posting about for at least 3 months) is somehow OK, it isn't. When you first posted, you received a huge amount of advice. You do not appear to be following any of it, as the affair has escalated in that time.

Are you going to end the affair? It's a simple yes/no issue?

For reading, you might be better off with How to help your spouse heal after your affair. Especially as your lover's wife now knows a fragment of what is wrong - as she digs and finds out more, is she likely to find out who you are and what you've done? And will she tell your H?

Thanks for your message.

I was so caught up in this man when I met him and so head over heels about him I didnt really think about where it would end. In the beginning I felt incredibly guilty about my H and his W but in time that lessened as I fell deeper in love and became more convinced that we were both in the wrong marriages. I got a lot of advice and didn't take much of it - even though I knew it made sense it went against what my heart wanted so I chose to just carry on seeing OM.

I now see totally that I cannot carry on like this. It seems more black and white than ever and OM and I are not in contact. I've been back through the threads and written down the advice and am going to take it and see where it gets me.

I have talked to my counsellor about why I allowed the affair to start even though I knew it was wrong and I want to read this book to try and learn more about why. And hopefully those answers can help me in the future.

As for OM and his W.... She doesn't know about the affair. So I don't think I have to worry on that front that she will tell my H.

Second the recommendation for the above book - i would also get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends.

If you really think that a wife, suddenly told her H wants out of the marriage, isn't going to be looking for cause? She is not a passive recipient of what her H dishes out, and you need to expect that she will find out pretty speedily there's an affair. Are you sure she cannot discover it's you?

You have been told on MN since January that you need to make a decision.

Are you going to?

Or is your choice to avoid taking responsibility for your own direction in life?

Never heard of this book, but good people don't have affairs. Good people have the balls to end one relationship before starting another.
HTH.

What an unhelpful, judgemental comment.

Of course good people have affairs People are more than their behaviours and love is complex. Must be nice to be so perfect that you've never made a mistake.

Shag around behind your partners back and by no definition in the universe can you delude yourself that you are a "good" person.
None.

I cant believe the simplistic, warped replies this sort of post gets. What is the point?

Of course good people have affairs. Seeing as almost half of all marriages end in divorce - and I would bet my savings a huge amount of those marriages involve some form of adultery - it is ludicrous to demonise people who 'cheat' as some how 'evil'.

You need to take full responsibility for your behaviour, but seeing yourself as a 'bad person' is as pathetic as shrugging the 'bad' behaviour off. Life isnt black and white. Understanding why you did what you did and owning the hurt you have - or may have come close to - causing is key here. Good and bad doesnt come in to it.

Yeah yeah yeah, more affair apologist crap.
Treat your partner like shit on your shoe and you are a good person? Give me a fucking break.

hi confusion,

You cannot download the ebook - it's only available in the US. Could you get the hard copy delivered to work or something?

Good luck getting back on the right path - it is so difficult but sounds like you are already taking steps in the right direction by not contacting OM.

You ARE a good person you have just made some BAD choices. As does everyone.

We all have to live with our mistakes and we all have to find ways of coping with the things we do that we're not proud of. This is human nature. We can't move on with our lives without forgiving ourselves or providing ourselves with some justification for doing the wrong thing now and then.

In this case, the OP seems to be dealing head on with her mistake. She is not burying her head and forgetting all about it, or making excuses for what she did - she genuinely seems to be saying 'I did something very wrong. I don't want to do that again, but I don't understand why I did it, so before I can move on, I need to take a long hard look at myself and
make sure it doesn't happen again.'

I don't think berating her further is helpful. What do want her to do? Beat herself up for the rest of her life? It's over. She's trying to move on. What is the use in labelling herself as a 'bad' person. She isn't - and it's not a helpful label anyway!

Has she told her OH?

No. I haven't told my husband. I'm not going to either. Thought long and hard about that a lot but I'm not going to. I know this is controversial.

I am fully aware that I've done an awful thing to people who don't deserve it. I am also finding out there are a lot of reasons I did it and I'm trying to look at them more. Some are about me, some are about my marriage and some are about OM.

I have come to expect a flaming for having an affair but although I did a shitty thing I'm not a totally shitty person. Giving myself a really hard time forever isn't going to help anyone so I'm choosing to focus on figuring out more about why it happened rather than crucifying myself cause it happened.

I cant have the book sent to work as someone else opens all my post! And "private" things are always met with a "ooooohhh" from the team around me.

So you are still lying by omission then? How would he feel knowing you are still obsessing over another man?
Be honest with yourself.

Are you still in contact with OM ? In any way at all ?

No

It's ok OP I can tell you what's in the book. It will be very short and say one sentence. Good people don't have affairs, end of story. Tah dah, look I have saved you the problem.

Look seriously you have had an affair and you want to move on from that. That falls under the heading of good news. Wanting to get your hands on a book that somehow shows that it wasn't your fault that you slept with another man, not such good news.

You already have a counsellor so surely the reasons you can explore the reasons why you had the affair much more successfully with him/her than you could through reading a book.

You can have Amazon books sent to pick-up points, I believe.

But that's not why you posted, really.

I am not sure what "good" means but I believe that in general only people with a certain sense of entitlement have affairs.

The one exception may be those people whose spouses are so abusive they have ground down their self-esteem to the point that they feel unable to leave the relationship without an exit affair.

It's not about saying it wasn't my fault at all! It's about finding out what about me allowed it to happen! I take responsibility for it happening. I couldn't help the way I felt but I could have said "no" at any point.

Anyway - this is turning into another attack the woman who had the affair thread. I've attacked myself enough and now need to find a way to do something more positive about it.

Then tell your husband.

Did you expect it to be any different from your other thread where you slated his wife for what a proven liar said she was doing?

Why did you start another one?

This is confusing as you've got two threads atm.

Read the other one and I've seen others from you.

Your latest obsession seems to be that you're a 'good' person who did a bad thing.

But as your other thread shows, that's not true is it?

Someone who has an affair with a MM and cheats on her own husband doesn't suddenly turn overnight into the sort of person who can do that. There have to be layers of selfishness and attitudes to allow that to happen.

The other thread's a long one, but on it we can see that you were economical with the truth despite some posters spending ages trying to help you and the latest posts really do expose your true character as perhaps being a 'bad person doing yet more bad things'.

Your OM has now told his wife he's leaving, but is omitting to tell his wife about his affair with you.

Now he's said he's leaving his wife, you've run for the hills and started sniping about his wife!

And say that you intend to continue lying through your teeth to your husband.

Read a book that will reassure you that you're a good person who did a bad thing, but you're fooling no-one here......

Validation.
She is looking for affirmation that shagging someone else's DH behind her DH back is somehow unique and in her case means she is a good person, despite not being honest with her DH or herself.
Her poor DH gets to tie himself in knots wondering what is wrong, while OP hopes to ease her guilt by looking for people to affirm her behaviour. When she reads a post saying, oh babe, don't tell him, you are a good person really, she gets affirmation. When she hears the truth, she flounces.
Simples.