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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i want a baby

18 replies

wishitwasdifferant · 05/05/2013 10:39

me and my DP have been together 3 years.He has 2 grown up children from his first relationship.
He has told me from the start he does not want babies.We love each other very much and are so good together,but this is becoming a real issue.
i am 35 and he is 48 and i though he might change his mind, but after another conversation last night he is adamant he does not want children.My biological clock is ticking and i want children as much as he doesnt want them
i dont know what to do
any advise would be helpful

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/05/2013 10:47

You need to let this man go and go onto have a relationship with a man who does want children. His reasons for not wanting any more children are just as valid. He has also been honest from the start about not wanting them, men who state this rarely if ever change their mind. Do not waste another 3 years, he was never going to change his mind.

Roshbegosh · 05/05/2013 10:49

It is a tough choice, stay with him resenting not having children, move on and maybe not find the right person, move on and be a single parent. Not going to be easy.

NomNomDePlum · 05/05/2013 10:58

it's not possible to compromise on this, so you need to decide what you want more. he has been straight with you from the beginning, so you need to do him the courtesy of not resenting him if you do stay.

makemineamalibuandpineapple · 05/05/2013 11:09

There is no compromise. He has done his time with nappies, school runs, teenage angst etc. He is fairly young and has years in front of him to enjoy being free to enjoy doing whatever he wants when he wants. I don't blame him for not wanting to "rewind" as it were. You need to find someone at the same stage as you who wants children because if you don't then you will grow to resent this man and as you say, your clock is ticking.

Good luck with your decision.

AuntieStella · 05/05/2013 11:12

He has been clear from the outset that he does not want more children.

He has not deceived you or led you on in any way.

So it is your decision - stay and no children, or leave to seek a relationship where children are a possibility.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 05/05/2013 11:22

^what the others said!

he was honest with you from the beginning, and it was your choice to be with him. if you hadnt have known and then found out after being together for a few years, it would be a bit different... but it didnt happen that way.

either stay with him and have no children... or leave and either be in a relationship with someone new or become a single mother

NikkiLaLa · 05/05/2013 11:26

There is no compromise to this and from seeing this happen to a relative I would say you need to think about ending the relationship. You need to talk seriously to him and find out if it is a definite no, if it is then I really do think its the end.

My Aunt met my Uncle many years ago (he was 15 years older than her) and he had two sons, he told her he didn't want anymore but she thought he would change his mind. They married and he never ever changed his mind, she used to spend hours on the phone to my Mum sobbing about how much she wanted a baby. My Uncle sadly passed away last year and my Aunt is now 58, she said to my Mum the other day that she has nothing now, no husband, no kids and no Grandkids and wishes she had left him and had the life she wanted.

My husband has two older children and we have one together. I always wanted three he didn't want any but reluctantly agreed to one, there are days (like today) that I wish I had let him go and found someone else to have the family that I dreamed of with. I'm not massively happy and my DS constantly asks for a baby brother or sister but he won't budge (I'm only 34 so could easily have one, dh 44 and says he is too old).

Don't spend the rest of your life regretting something as major as this.

dreamingbohemian · 05/05/2013 11:28

Could you grow old happily with him, never having children?

If not, then it's a pretty simple answer, you should go off and find someone who does want kids.

It's not impossible, I didn't start dating my DH until I was 36, had our DC at 39.

But I felt very strongly, when we decided to try for a kid, that if we didn't have one it would be fine, I would still be happy with him and we could have a great life. If you don't get that feeling, then it's probably best not to stay with him.

AuntieStella · 05/05/2013 11:30

You can only hope to 'change' a partner on fairly trivial matters (dodgy haircut, beardedness, weird clothes) and only advisable to make the attempt on issues where it wouldn't make a deal-breaking difference if it failed.

This isn't in that category. It's a horrible choice for you to make, but it has to be done.

Original poster

wishitwasdifferant · 05/05/2013 11:34

Thanks for all the advise,i still really don't know what to do.The relationship is good in all other ways but i can't imagine not having a baby,at the same time i can't imagine not being with him

OP posts:

luckypeach · 05/05/2013 12:36

agree with others, there is nothing that you can do to make him change his mind if he's clearly stated from the outset that he doesn't want any more children. It's a tough choice that only you can make, thankfully he hasn't left you dangling over the issue for years until its too late.

in my case, I knew from the outset that my DP didn't want children. I was 31 when I met him, he was 45. I was working full-time as well as studying in the evenings for the first 4 years of our relationship so during that time, I didn't think about it much.

When I got to my late thirties I will be honest and say that I'd have loved it if things had been different and that we'd both wanted it to happen. But I knew he didn't want it and I knew myself that I wouldn't want to have a child with anyone else.

I think your choice will depend on whether your desire to have children outweighs staying in a partnership where this is not an option. Difficult I know.

CalamityKate · 05/05/2013 12:41

What do you want people to say? He doesn't want kids. That's it.

Are you hoping folk will say "oh well if you can't imagine not having a baby but can't imagine being without him either, then go ahead and get pregnant anyway"?

Nodney · 05/05/2013 12:49

You poor thing OP, I know exactly what you're going through. Same thing happened to me. After a lot of soul searching, and a lot of tears I finished it. We were both sad, but I had decided that I'd resent him eventually if I stayed. That was 11 years ago and I now have 2 DS and a third on the way. But I totally get it - it's heart breaking. I made my decision over a period of months and a lot of talking to my friends and mum. The decision came to me eventually and I knew what I had to do. Good luck OP x

mumbaisapphire · 05/05/2013 13:11

It's a scary decision to make but you have to confront it. Your feelings are only likely to magnify. How do you think you will feel in 5 or 10 years time? Resentment builds. Will your relationship be strong enough to withstand that? He has been very honest with you at the start. His mindset hasn't changed. I hoped that by threatening to end things with my ex that it would be the wake up call he needed and that he would agree to having kids-you hear examples of it all the time. But it didn't happen into case. We decided to split and followed through - he never change his mind. I would sit down and talk, explain that you want to have a baby and that you are prepared to end things if he can't go through with it. BUT you have to be prepared for him to stick to his decision and then follow through and walk away. Good luck.

dreamingbohemian · 05/05/2013 13:21

How committed is your relationship? Do you live together? Are you lives very joined up?

Because you have to remember that you might decide to stay with him and not have kids, and then the relationship breaks up anyway. I'm sure a lot of us know women who have been through this.

So if you do decide to stay with him, be sure that you are making this sacrifice for someone who really loves you and wants to be with you for the long term.

And yes, be sure that you can stay with him and not resent him. This is probably what I would not be able to do tbh.

pickledginger · 05/05/2013 13:24

Relationships don't come with guarantees. In ten years time you might not be in a relationship with him anymore. If you broke up with him at the age of 44/5 how would you feel?

If you stay with him and don't have children, how would you feel? The resentment could cause some serious damage to your relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2013 14:35

Just don't do what my friend did in a similar situation. Insisted on babies with her DH (also much older man with grown-up children), had two DDs and got told... 'don't expect any help from me'. And he meant it. Didn't lift a finger from that point onwards.

stopmovingthefurniture · 05/05/2013 14:39

I think you will have to take him at his word and probably part ways.

Your desire for a baby sounds too great to ignore, not that you seem to want to ignore it anyway!

He's been honest from the beginning and you took a big risk hoping he would change. You don't want to get into a situation where you're trying to raise children that only one of you wants. Babies are exhausting and you really have to both be up for the madness.

I think your DP is probably wise not to capitulate if he knows he doesn't want more children. I presume you have talked to him honestly and shared your feelings. If there is no change, that's sad but not necessarily the worst thing that could happen.

Don't read your DP's lack of desire for children as a statement of his love for you. Your life goals may not be compatible, which is very hard, but there is no need to suffer that hurt as well. It is what it is - an instance of incompatibility - and I can only imagine how painful that must be.

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