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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just told DP i want to leave him

20 replies

itstheyearzero · 03/05/2013 21:27

Shaking. not sure what to do we had a blazing tow which started over nothing but i can't stand being around him any more. got DS age 4 to think about. Im so screwed up

OP posts:
Original poster
itstheyearzero · 03/05/2013 21:30

Sitting in another room . shit, it all came out, all my frustrations and my anger. It all just came out.

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/05/2013 21:31

Keep your distance at least until tomorrow and think it over?

Why can't you stand him?
Has it been a ling term thing, or just this row?

2anddone · 03/05/2013 21:31

Didn't want to leave unanswered, is he still there? Did you mean it when you said you want him to go?

Original poster
itstheyearzero · 03/05/2013 21:34

I've been unhappy for a while. I don't know what to do. He is so opinionated and selfish. I lie in bed worrying about my life, my future, how can I stay with a man who makes me so unhappy. Shit, it all just came out INA big fury. Fuck

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/05/2013 21:37

Have you ever tried to explain how you feel?
Has he made any effort? Or have you been to counselling?

How exactly is he opinionated?
And selfish?

Skygirls · 03/05/2013 21:41

What did he say? Does he want out of the relationship too?
Leave it for tonight and try to keep calm.
Think more seriously about it in the morning once the rage of the row has blown over. Some sleep will clear your mind as to what you want to do.

It'll never be easy if DCs are involved, but if you're unhappy, it might be better for them if you and DP are apart. Sad

Original poster
itstheyearzero · 03/05/2013 21:49

Oh god sorry I know I'm drip feeding. He does nothing to help round the house. Trivial I know but it all boils up inside me. He is self employed , doesn't work that much at the moment, spends all his time on his computer game. I do everything. He was in the forces for 25 years so his opinion is the only one that seems to matter. We have nothing in common, nothing. He seems to organise his jobs at the exact times our son is at home so he doesn't ha e to do anything with him. It all sounds so trivial. We have this big house, its a wreck, he promised me he would be enthusiastic and do stuff, he does nothing. I'm ashamed its still in this state. He could do so much to make it better, to make it nice, he is so capable, but he spend s all his time on his fucking computer. Shit this all sounds so trivial but I am raging. I don't like him any more. :-) I feel sorry for myself, wish I had got out of it before we had DS,but its too late now. DS worships him, he can do no wrong. Shit, I'm not sure if I should say any more to him tonight, it was ugly.

OP posts:
Original poster
itstheyearzero · 03/05/2013 21:51

That wasn't supposed to be a smiley face by the way.

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/05/2013 22:03

It doesn't sound good. :(
The possibility of you leaving him may shock him into being a better husband and father, but it's likely he'll revert to type as soon as he'll feel secure again.

Regardless, you should take your time to cool down, consider what you want to do carefully and then talk to him calmly and with a clear mind.

Original poster
itstheyearzero · 03/05/2013 22:15

Im cooling down. will say goodnight and go to bed shortly. he is in The spare room.anyway has been for a while
his choice
might some back tomorrow to chat if that's ok
just feel sick at the.moment

OP posts:
Whitewineformeplease · 03/05/2013 22:19

Get a good night's sleep, yearzero. Tomorrow the two of you will have to sit down and have a talk about everything. You've obviously been bottling up all this resentment and frustration, which isn't healthy for you. Don't beat yourself up about reacting like this, we all get the rage at times! Things will be better in the morning. Xxx

Original poster
itstheyearzero · 03/05/2013 22:25

I don't think he will forgive me for saying i want to leave him. he's not that type. he will hold it against me. make me feel bad. thanks for holding my hand tonight

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/05/2013 22:30

What is there to forgive you about?
Unless you really love him, are very happy and said it to hurt him, don't apologise.

If he prefers that you leave, then there's your answer. :(

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/05/2013 07:52

If you want to leave, better you've said it out loud than keep suppressing your anger. Well done.... it obviously took courage. Now all you have to do is convert that wish into reality. Do you have RL support to call on? Have you got a place that you and DS could go?

tribpot · 04/05/2013 07:57

Can't see why you'd stay - he doesn't enhance your life, he doesn't respect you, and he isn't bothered about your ds.

Original poster
itstheyearzero · 04/05/2013 08:55

Got nowhere to go my parents are both dead. Im up with DS as usual, he is still in bed. I can't unsay what i said so we need to talk today. Im dreading him getting up. If we do split it will be s huge mess. We'll have problems selling this house its a wreck. we were supposed to do it up, it could be beautiful but nothing ever happens. That damn game seems to be the most important thing to him. I do bloody everything . clean up after him and his bloody dog. Im fed up of it all. what a mess :(

OP posts:
Dahlen · 04/05/2013 09:00

Do you have a friend you could go to for a couple of days? If you're serious about leaving, the council have a duty to house you in an emergency situation - probably B&B initially, but very soon a flat or house of your own.

You're not in an abusive situation, but if you contact Women's Aid, they will be able to tell you who to call today in order to get the ball rolling.

Or you get him to leave, of course, which if he was a decent man he would do without being asked since the priority in all this should be the stability your DS needs.

If you are able to talk today and you end up not leaving, please make sure you make it clear that he's now in a situation where he chooses between you/DS and the computer game. He needs to see it in those terms.

Wishing you luck.

tribpot · 04/05/2013 09:45

Do you get some money together to get out? Do you work?

The house is both a red herring and a white elephant. The work to do it up won't be done. You bought it as a doer-upper, you can sell it the same way. Don't back yourself into a corner where you believe you have no option but to stay.

tribpot · 04/05/2013 09:46

Sorry that was meant to be 'Do you have a way to get some money together ... '

Lweji · 04/05/2013 13:13

Yes, regarding the house.
It's not a huge problem.
Personally, I prefer something to be worked on than something sold as finished but that I don't like and would have to do up anyway.
remembering a godawful bijoux sort of house I saw a few years ago
Or if you have some money, just get some builders in to do a quick plastering, paint the walls yourself. Tiling is not that difficult either.
And you can buy a cheap carpet and have it installed.
If you decorate nicely, prospective buyers can see how it will look when finished, even if it's not now.

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