Sister's housemate wants to bring her father's body to stay at their home for 5 days before funeral. Advice?

[MumfordandDaughter]

Hello, sorry if this is in the wrong area.

My sister's just phoned me in bits. She works as a teacher further up North from me on one of the small islands. She shares a house with a fellow teacher/colleague.

The housemate is an only child. Her elderly father died last night and the mother has refused to have his body at their home because she wouldn't be able to cope. She also doesn't want the body to remain at the funeral parlour or go to chapel. So the mother has asked her daughter - my sister's housemate - to have him at her house instead, to which the housemate agreed.

My sister is really uncomfortable with this. Especially as it's going to be an open coffin until the day of the funeral (middle of next week). The housemate plans to hold 2-3 rosaries and the wake at their house, too.

My sister - who is really quiet and usually a 'yes' person - has told her housemate she's not happy with this arrangement, and it will make her really uncomfortable.

The housemate really didn't take this well and it ended with the mother phoning my sister and calling her selfish.

My sister doesn't know what to do. It's a really small town she lives in, with just one very expensive hotel. My parents have refused to loan her the money to stay at the hotel for the week as they feel the housemate should fork up at least half.

My sister also doesn't want to have to move, because it's so far from school/work, and there's no guarantee there'll be any rooms (it's only a 7-room place).

She doesn't know where she stands. It's not a religious difference, as they're both the same religion. it's just the thought of her father's open coffin being in their living room for all that time, and all the family visiting through the week.

My sister and housemate aren't particularly friends, but they've always been civil up until now.

Does anyone have any advice i could pass on?

(I told her to come on here herself but she refused to because she doesn't have children )

Yes, she should be able to say no but I don't think she should, personally. If the body has been imbalmed then there will be no smell. Ok, the ideal situation is for him to be in his own home but these people are grieving. Leave th be.

My dad stayed at home from the day he died (Thursday) to the funeral on the Monday. The undertaker came to us and he stayed in their room (mum slept in with me). He wasn't decomposing in that time. It was natural. It was respectful. It was just the right thing to do.

When and why did we get so squeamish about death?

Sorry but a corpse of a non relative possibly in your ds's bedroom would freak the fuck out of me for months after.
Ask the HOD to fit a hasp and padlock on your sister's room.

This has to be one of the weirdest and frustrating threads I have ever seen on MN yet completely credible given the cultural sending off of a loved one in the Islands.

tunip

"Of course it is a huge ask. Of course it would be an unreasonable thing in almost any other situation. But the flatmate's father has died.
We're talking about 5 days of inconvenience, not about her being expected to immolate herself on the funeral pyre. "

but why can it all not happen at the man's own home? why, if it's ok for teh OP's sister to have to tolerate all this for 5 days because of a death is it not ok for the mans wife to tolerate it? why is she exempt at the expense of someone not even known to the man?

Fit a padlock to her door. When she returns home, remove it, fill the holes, sand them and paint.

I think FilthyPig might well be right. But I think you just have to assume there is a reason and the grieving wife and daughter are not doing this deliberately just to be annoying.

I feel sorry for the poor dead man.

His wife does not want him home.

I must admit that whilst I stand by my comments on treating dead people without all the suggestions of "creepy" and "smelly", if I was the daughter, I wouldn't want a non-relative in the house with my dead father and I would have made arrangements for her to stay elsewhere (I'd pay for the hotel).

Op's sis needs to lock her stuff up, stay somewhere else and have respect and feelings for the bereaved. They most probably are till inking of many other things. She will be quite low on their list of priorities.

well whatever their reason is still doesn't give them the right to bully someone else out of their home so they can move another person, a corpse and a hosuefull of friends and family in.

if their own house is unfit to have him there then like it or not, the funeral home is their only available option. they are being very entitled to feel they have any claim on OP's dsis' house and bedroom!

"if I was the daughter, I wouldn't want a non-relative in the house with my dead father "

so you wouldn't move your dead father into a non-relatives home then? common sense. he has a home. they shoud use that. then they get a say in whether a non-relative was there or not!

Quint that's ridiculous. You don't know him and besides that she might have loved him SO much that she can't bear to see him dead. That's common.

If this was a thread about anything else, one partner wanting a baby and the other not, "Dp doesnt want a dog but I do" ANY other reason, there would be a total opposite reaction. So, they are grieving, that doesnt give them the right to ride roughshod over everyone else!

Neo, but she can see him dead at somebody elses home?

Neo that's patently not the case as the mother wishes to move into the sister's house for the duration of the wake. Therefore she will see him.

But Neo, if she can't bear to see him dead, why does she want to come and stay in the OP's sister's room??

I have had both my grandmother's body and my father's in the house with me, and that was fine (and customary for us), but I would not have asked someone else to "host" them!!

And on the purely practical, my GM was in a chilled room, but even then, after 2 days, she was distinctly "past her best" and we definitely would have struggled with 5 days.

Quint that's ridiculous. You don't know him and besides that she might have loved him SO much that she can't bear to see him dead. That's common. That argument would work, IF the wife didnt want a 5 day open casket job, with herself living on the premises!

The mother doesnt want her dead husband smelling up her own house!

I do think your sister needs to stand up for herself a bit more.

She needs to put a lock on her bedroom door ASAP. Tough titties if the landlord doesn't like that or whatever- he's not exactly gone out of his way to help with the situation, has he.

Quite frankly I would be FUMING at the fact the mother now wants to stay in her BEDROOM.

Your sister should insist on going and staying in the MOTHER'S house for a week. See how THAT goes down!

What a truly bizarre situation....

I'm with Quint.

Why on earth would he want to spend 5 days in his daughter's shared house, rather than his own home?

Give the poor man some dignity.

Surely he will be embalmed or whatever so he doesn't smell.

He will smell, somewhat though ...even the recently deceased have a special smell IME. Not something I would want to experience for five days if I was continuing my normal life, and not mourning.

The family, although grieving aren't excused from being selfish.

It is completely unreasonable to ask this of your sister. Grief does not give a licence to behave like this, nor should respecting and supporting bereaved people extend to this.

Agree call priest and funeral director. Body goes to chapel of rest or place where deceased lived. The end. Anything else is weird and disrespectful.

Given this is all very traditional, won't the community find it deeply odd the man isn't going back to his own home? I'm surprised the equivalent of Mrs Doyle in Father Ted hasn't stepped in.

Maybe the widow had builders in/ place is a shithole/ might be other relatives there...lots of different reasons for not using her own home.

well then they use the funeral home effie. you dont just pitch up at someone else's house and turf them out for the week.

I'm getting so annoyed with your sister Op, I'm going to have to leave this thread.