Sister's housemate wants to bring her father's body to stay at their home for 5 days before funeral. Advice?

[MumfordandDaughter]

Hello, sorry if this is in the wrong area.

My sister's just phoned me in bits. She works as a teacher further up North from me on one of the small islands. She shares a house with a fellow teacher/colleague.

The housemate is an only child. Her elderly father died last night and the mother has refused to have his body at their home because she wouldn't be able to cope. She also doesn't want the body to remain at the funeral parlour or go to chapel. So the mother has asked her daughter - my sister's housemate - to have him at her house instead, to which the housemate agreed.

My sister is really uncomfortable with this. Especially as it's going to be an open coffin until the day of the funeral (middle of next week). The housemate plans to hold 2-3 rosaries and the wake at their house, too.

My sister - who is really quiet and usually a 'yes' person - has told her housemate she's not happy with this arrangement, and it will make her really uncomfortable.

The housemate really didn't take this well and it ended with the mother phoning my sister and calling her selfish.

My sister doesn't know what to do. It's a really small town she lives in, with just one very expensive hotel. My parents have refused to loan her the money to stay at the hotel for the week as they feel the housemate should fork up at least half.

My sister also doesn't want to have to move, because it's so far from school/work, and there's no guarantee there'll be any rooms (it's only a 7-room place).

She doesn't know where she stands. It's not a religious difference, as they're both the same religion. it's just the thought of her father's open coffin being in their living room for all that time, and all the family visiting through the week.

My sister and housemate aren't particularly friends, but they've always been civil up until now.

Does anyone have any advice i could pass on?

(I told her to come on here herself but she refused to because she doesn't have children )

you could be right cozie. i just dont get the impression this family would care either way of OP's sister came back to find damaged or missing stuff. they dont seem at all considerate.

and yes, fab idea about OP's sister moving into the mother's house saying as she will be moving into Dsis' bed!

she should ask OP. see what their reaction is. i think it will be very telling!

I really don't mean to offend OP but I'm afraid your sister deserves everything she gets in this situation.

Phone the funeral director and tell them they will be refused access. Simple.

How on earth does she manage a classroom?!

in fact it's the perfect response to "can mum sleep in your room" because if they have a problem with it then their reasons can be the exact reasons why OP's sis has a problem with the mother sleepo9ng in her bed.

Surely the house is gong to smell after a week? I've been in a room where a lady had been for six days and the smell was awful. It was bad after three days, but nearly retched by day six.

and yes, how does your dsis manage a classroom and irate parents etc?

in fact it's the perfect response to "can mum sleep in your room" because if they have a problem with it then their reasons can be the exact reasons why OP's sis has a problem with the mother sleepo9ng in her bed.

WSS

'I feel so bad for her. She needs to stop being so nice and reserved.'

You need to give her a virtual slap.

Sweet Jesus NO NO NO!
I saw my DGF in the chapel of rest. He had been embalmed and kept in a fridge. Much as I loved him and wanted to see him, I will NEVER get over the smell. I couldnt eat for days! It is really warm ATM and he is going to be in an open casket for FIVE days!
NO. Just NO!
THE MOTHER HAS A BLOODY CHEEK!
Ring the chapel of rest and say NO!
Ring the landlord and say NO!
Ring the cheeky arsed mother and say NO NO NO NO NO!
Tell the flat mate NO!

I would demand the landlord/letting agent fit a lock to the bedroom door immediately, her contents insurance may not cover her if there are strangers in the house while she isn't there. I would also insist the landlord did a quick inspection of the public areas before the body arrives. There may be spillages during the wake and it would be your sister's responsibility to pay half the cost of a new carpet or flooring.

I understand people are grieving, but this is a shared house, and so should have the full agreement of both parties. I think the mother has a cheek to think she can poach her bedroom after she called your sister selfish. If your sister moves out for the week she needs to be assured this won't happen. I would have to do a spot check or two, just in case the room was occupied by the mother or the coffin. Both unacceptable.

Surely the landlord must be contactable for emergencies?

Wow. Ok, presume the worse, regarding the use of your dsis' room. Some brainstorming in the name of mitigating property damage, consider putting plastic on the floor to anticipate any stains, perhaps in living room too if she will be held liable for damages from that . Perhaps do a quick goth decorating scheme in her room to discourage use?

And certainly, if it is her bed, and not one that came furnished with the property, I'd find a way to make the bed/mattress unusable...dismantle the bed, stack it all against the wall if she couldn't cart it to a storage facility for the week. At the very least, encase the mattress in plastic as well. Basically move everything out, including any living room furniture, and kitchen equipment. They want her to disappear for the duration, so I'd run with it. Or use the bedroom as the storage facility. She'll be moving in Aug so buying the moving boxes now really Isn't too soon.

Do this for her, if she won't do it herself. And yes, even if she said yes to the use of her room.

I was fantasizing about some YouTube action on the doorstep lockout.

The sister is (from what the OP says) disinclined to make a stand so I think there's nothing to be done about the situation. (If she'd been made of sterner stuff this would likely never have arisen in the first place.)

I would be organising a loud party every night for the next five days.

Respect for the dead is one thing, the living deserve respect too, and your Dsis is getting none.

If she does leave, she should get a lock fixed on her door - I'd rather pay damages to the landlord that have my room misused.

Struggle to understand how anyone can tolerate being treated so badly.

I can hardly believe what I'm reading. These women have just lost a husband and father and everyone is ranting about how selfish there are being. Outrageous.

Ok it's not ideal and the newly widowed woman should probably have the body of her husband at his own house but she has her reasons for not wanting that.

This man is dead - he won't smell (crass fucking comment). He won't get up in the night and mess with people's stuff. He is dead and they are grieving.

Whatever gets them through the next few days should just be bloody well ok with everyone.

I agree I'd probably not want to be there if it wasn't a relative but I'd also respect the need to take over one room in the house for 5 days (not a fucking lifetime is it).

I'm actually pleased they want to keep him with them - after all, they'll never get to see him again will they.

yes- if DSIS insists on letting this happen and leaving then she should definitely lock her room. would the LL really object? surely it would make it more appealing as a shared house to have a lock?

Mumford I wouldn't normally suggest that anyone goes over another adult's head but this time I'm going to make an exception. If your sister is too reserved to call the funeral directors and tell them that this isn't going to happen, warning them of the consequences of a writ for trespass if they try it, what's stopping you from doing it?

This whole plan is so repugnant, so utterly awful that I'd have no compunction about issuing threats (and carrying them out) on my sister's behalf. Yours might thank you for it in the long run.

Is it actually legal? To keep a body at home for 5 days? I mean.....they are kept cold for a reason

They want to be with him. Fine. Understandable.

So why don't they do exactly that at his own home, rather than his wife upping sticks to move in with her daughter, displacing ops sister, having the body in a house that the father never lived in?

It's crazy - why n earth can't the flatmate stay at her mum's with her dead father, to support and do greet mourners?

Crikey the sister should be able to say no still surely.

the body will smell crikey

"Whatever gets them through the next few days should just be bloody well ok with everyone."

and no, not everyone should have to rollover to unreasonable demands just because someone is grieving. there is no reason at all this cant be done in teh man's own home unless the floor has fallen into teh centre of the earth or something.

i honestly dont know anyone who would think it appropriate to have the wake of their DH or DF in the house of a complete stranger!

It's not even an overnight thing.
It's several days.

The body won't smell (supposedly) or start walking at the mum's house.
And, yes, she could swap houses with her daughter.

My suspicion is that the bereaved wife/mother of flatmate's house is not in a 'people can come round' state.

If I was the OP I would be trying to persuade my sister to gently ask if that was the case and see if a clean up could be organised by friends/relatives.

I can sort of imagine that with the shock and grief they are being stubborn, or perhaps they've always been selfish and inconsiderate.

I'm with CrikeyBlimey here (and hardly anyone else on the thread, it seems).

Of course it is a huge ask. Of course it would be an unreasonable thing in almost any other situation. But the flatmate's father has died.
We're talking about 5 days of inconvenience, not about her being expected to immolate herself on the funeral pyre.

The solution that has been arrived at seems like a good one.

I'm astounded. Why can't the mother and daughter have their husband / father in their own home? I'm just .

Yes CrikeyBLimey he will smell. He is dead and the weather is warm, and the smell will linger.
And yes these people have just lost their father, but if they feel that strongly about waking him at home, them TAKE HIM HOME!
This poor girl isnt related to him. She has to use this house. She pays for half of it. They arent keeping him with them. They are moving him into a house that he had nothing to do with. And its not taking over just one room is it. Its relatives trailing in and out. Going for a look and then crying in the next room. Its 30 cups of tea being made in the kitchen. Its all and sundry using the bathroom. The flatmates mother wants to take over the friends room. They are going to take over the whole house. There will be no escape for the OPs sister. Stuff will be damaged. Carpets will get dirty. Drinks will be spilled. All things which affect the return of a deposit.
The deceased family are being unreasonable.

It's just not ok to not want a dead body in your own home but insist on using somebody else's house when they don't want you to. That's not about 'getting through' grief. That's about being grossly insensitive and rude.