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Original poster

Sister's housemate wants to bring her father's body to stay at their home for 5 days before funeral. Advice?

490 replies

MumfordandDaughter · 03/05/2013 12:58

Hello, sorry if this is in the wrong area.

My sister's just phoned me in bits. She works as a teacher further up North from me on one of the small islands. She shares a house with a fellow teacher/colleague.

The housemate is an only child. Her elderly father died last night and the mother has refused to have his body at their home because she wouldn't be able to cope. She also doesn't want the body to remain at the funeral parlour or go to chapel. So the mother has asked her daughter - my sister's housemate - to have him at her house instead, to which the housemate agreed.

My sister is really uncomfortable with this. Especially as it's going to be an open coffin until the day of the funeral (middle of next week). The housemate plans to hold 2-3 rosaries and the wake at their house, too.

My sister - who is really quiet and usually a 'yes' person - has told her housemate she's not happy with this arrangement, and it will make her really uncomfortable.

The housemate really didn't take this well and it ended with the mother phoning my sister and calling her selfish.

My sister doesn't know what to do. It's a really small town she lives in, with just one very expensive hotel. My parents have refused to loan her the money to stay at the hotel for the week as they feel the housemate should fork up at least half.

My sister also doesn't want to have to move, because it's so far from school/work, and there's no guarantee there'll be any rooms (it's only a 7-room place).

She doesn't know where she stands. It's not a religious difference, as they're both the same religion. it's just the thought of her father's open coffin being in their living room for all that time, and all the family visiting through the week.

My sister and housemate aren't particularly friends, but they've always been civil up until now.

Does anyone have any advice i could pass on?

(I told her to come on here herself but she refused to because she doesn't have children Blush)

OP posts:
noyouhavehadawee · 03/05/2013 20:51

oh i am reading this like this likeShock , they are going to took him up cosy in your sisters bed Shock Shock Shock Shock Angry

tribpot · 03/05/2013 20:52

LividDil - it has been mentioned and the sister won't do it. I can't imagine the landlord is going to be very thrilled about it either but may feel there is nothing he can do, particularly if the body is in situ by then.

noyouhavehadawee · 03/05/2013 20:54

tuck even but either way they are taking the piss.

Floggingmolly · 03/05/2013 21:04

Has your sister actually asked her housemate why her father's body and her mother must come to her house? There must be some logic, surely, however twisted?

Her mother being unable to cope is utter nonsense.

EffieTheDuck · 03/05/2013 21:10

Absolutely BooYoo. A church/ chapel/ rest home or nunnery even the hotel. Are there health and safety issues concerning a corpse laying for five days in a house? I am sure there would have to be a minimum temp

I am infuriated with your sister OP but perhaps she is being forced out on a longer term? If sis and her flat mate also work together yet are only civil to one another, I wonder if there is a bigger problem?

ArtVandelay · 03/05/2013 21:14

Aw this is terrible, your sister must be in shreds. She sounds like the sort of person who could barely negotiate a loo roll dispute let alone a dead body invasion. No point saying what I would do cos I'm an uppity bitch so I'm just offering hugs and suggesting that you intervene on her behalf.

BabyHMummy · 03/05/2013 21:15

OMG are these ppl for real?????? I understand the issue and feel for he family but for the mother to not want the body in her house and then want to move into the gp's sister house with the body is just plain hypocrisy.

mumford your sister is really stuck in an awkward position but i think he hypocrisy needs pointing out in a nice way if possible.

Hope your sister works it out!

RemindMeWhatSleepIs · 03/05/2013 21:15

What a mess!

I feel sorry for the deceased man. I hope no one takes me visiting random houses when I'm dead. It's just not right!

In my line of work I've met many dead people but wouldn't want a body in my house for a week unless it was a very close relative. It's not tradition in my family to have bodies at home in any case.

It's all been handled very badly by the deceased relatives.

VitoCorleone · 03/05/2013 21:18

What a horrible awkward situation.

It is a bloody cheek though that the mother cant cope with him being in her home but is wanting to stay at the daughters where the body will be. Whats that all about?

I wouldnt want a dead body in my house for 5 days, not because id be freaked out id just find it uncomfortable, especially if it was a strangers body

expatinscotland · 03/05/2013 21:19

'if I was the daughter, I wouldn't want a non-relative in the house with my dead father and I would have made arrangements for her to stay elsewhere (I'd pay for the hotel).

Op's sis needs to lock her stuff up, stay somewhere else and have respect and feelings for the bereaved. They most probably are till inking of many other things. She will be quite low on their list of priorities.'

I lost my daughter last year. I know all about bereavement now. It is not a license to behave the way this housemate and her family have. It is not a license to be disrespectful to the living in their own homes.

The OP needs to tell the housemate she will not have this in her home, it's her home, too, and they need to use a funeral director.

EffieTheDuck · 03/05/2013 21:23

What worries me is that the deceased father is on his way by ferry boat by now and soon he is going to arrive at the house where everyone will be upset.
Surely a funeral director could intervene with tact and dignity?

expatinscotland · 03/05/2013 21:24

Where he's gone, none of this can hurt him anymore.

AngiBolen · 03/05/2013 21:27

Then OP's sister either needs to find her voice, or pay for a hotel.

BabyHMummy · 03/05/2013 21:32

Why should she have to pay for he hotel? The family of the dead man should be paying

ArtVandelay · 03/05/2013 21:32

Exactly Effie, when my GF passed we sat with him all afternoon, hugging him and crying. The funeral guys just hung around until we were ready to let him go with them. They are trained to negotiate this stuff and not get stressed. They will not want a scene. Expat also very true, I felt like once a few hours had gone by after the 'dead' verdict and he'd definatly passed then he didn't need us and we needed to get used to him being gone. He was my pretty much my favourite person in the world, if that makes a difference :(

Alconleigh · 03/05/2013 21:45

I Can't believe more than one person has defended the freak show housemate and mother. Hell's teeth some of you are barking.

LadyBeagleEyes · 03/05/2013 21:49

Short, succinct and to the point Alconleigh.
I totally agree.

olivertheoctopus · 03/05/2013 21:51

Oh my word. No way I could stay in the house but I'd find it quite hard to row with a bereaved housemate about it. Does your sister have a friend or colleague she could stay with during the period?

SolidGoldBrass · 03/05/2013 21:55

What an excellent example of how fucking primitive and barbaric small communities can be - not just for the intention of having a decaying corpse sat in the house for five hot days (it will stink. It will leak. There will be flies everywhere by about day four) but for the way they have identified this poor girl as vulnerable to bullying and therefore someone whose wellbeing can be completely disregarded. I bet these people still point at the sky and ullulate when an aeroplane appears. Your sister would do best to consider relocating altogether if she wants to have a comfortable life; living on Summerisle with freaks like this family will mean she spends the rest of her days being bullied and never managing to develop any confidence. That's if they don't decide to get the wicker man out the next time someone pops off.

LadyBeagleEyes · 03/05/2013 22:03

I think you'll find that half the population of the islands these days are retired or woo people that have craft shops, mostly from England, Solid.

MrsOakenshield · 03/05/2013 22:04

I'm afraid your sister is being feeble beyond belief. Yes, the family are being unreasonable, but they are grieving, so not unexpected. Your sister, on the other hand, despite having been presented with a number of perfectly resonable options (ringing priest best of which), is doing nothing. So, from this point on, she's only got herself to blame. Sorry, but that's a fact.

It's a very long time to have the body in the house (any house!), Catholic funerals are normally very speedy, so having an open casket in the home isn't a problem (we had this for my great-aunt). North of Scotland (if that's where they are) prob won't be that hot, but it is a bit odd. Which is why a chat with the priest would be the way forward - I doubt he'd be happy with your sister being treated like this and could speak to the mother and encourage other arrangements to be made. I don't think you should have to speak for your sister, but can you ring the priest?

expatinscotland · 03/05/2013 22:05

Too right, Alcon.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/05/2013 22:06

Even more likely to build wicker men and pick on the vulnerable, then, LBE.

expatinscotland · 03/05/2013 22:09

'Yes, the family are being unreasonable, but they are grieving, so not unexpected.'

They're bullying arses. Grief has nothing to do with it.

cloutiedumpling · 03/05/2013 22:14

Nice bit of generalisation there SGB. The islands are the same as anywhere else - you get a mixture of people. Most are lovely, some less so.

My DH has had a good suggestion. Could the sister move out for a week on the understanding that at some point in the summer the flatmate will move out for a week so she can have a guest? Sounds like a gracious and pragmatic way of dealing with a difficult social problem.