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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sister's housemate wants to bring her father's body to stay at their home for 5 days before funeral. Advice?

490 replies

MumfordandDaughter · 03/05/2013 12:58

Hello, sorry if this is in the wrong area.

My sister's just phoned me in bits. She works as a teacher further up North from me on one of the small islands. She shares a house with a fellow teacher/colleague.

The housemate is an only child. Her elderly father died last night and the mother has refused to have his body at their home because she wouldn't be able to cope. She also doesn't want the body to remain at the funeral parlour or go to chapel. So the mother has asked her daughter - my sister's housemate - to have him at her house instead, to which the housemate agreed.

My sister is really uncomfortable with this. Especially as it's going to be an open coffin until the day of the funeral (middle of next week). The housemate plans to hold 2-3 rosaries and the wake at their house, too.

My sister - who is really quiet and usually a 'yes' person - has told her housemate she's not happy with this arrangement, and it will make her really uncomfortable.

The housemate really didn't take this well and it ended with the mother phoning my sister and calling her selfish.

My sister doesn't know what to do. It's a really small town she lives in, with just one very expensive hotel. My parents have refused to loan her the money to stay at the hotel for the week as they feel the housemate should fork up at least half.

My sister also doesn't want to have to move, because it's so far from school/work, and there's no guarantee there'll be any rooms (it's only a 7-room place).

She doesn't know where she stands. It's not a religious difference, as they're both the same religion. it's just the thought of her father's open coffin being in their living room for all that time, and all the family visiting through the week.

My sister and housemate aren't particularly friends, but they've always been civil up until now.

Does anyone have any advice i could pass on?

(I told her to come on here herself but she refused to because she doesn't have children Blush)

OP posts:
ParsingFancy · 03/05/2013 18:55

Booyhoo I'm thinking the other way: the mother is houseproud and fussy, and doesn't want the visitors or bother and possible ick.

MumfordandDaughter · 03/05/2013 19:02

i agree. I'm so angry for and with her. She's always been a bit of a doormat and socially awkward. It was a huge leap just to get her to share a house with someone (she couldn't afford the rent alone).

She can't move out until her contract ends, otherwise she'll still be liable for rent until August. If, however, she manages to find another tenant, she can transfer her name on the contract over to the new tenant.

Nope, i've asked the same thing. No outside lock on the door. Just a small snib on the inside. And she can't get one fitted as it's not her home.

She's feeling really queasy about having to stay with her HOD. She thinks it'll be weird (social awkwardness again). She's worrying about not getting any private space to do marking etc. But it'll be better than staying at her own home with all the funeral/rosary stuff going on.

She's not text the housemate back yet. But she plans on going round in an hour with HOD's husband to get some of her belongings, and will try and have a word with her then. She says she feels she has the right to request the housemate's mother's home for the week, since the mother will be using hers, but now feels it would offend the HOD. Angry

Bit worried about her being identified from this thread now (as someone pointed out). I've not been very good at being vague, have i?

OP posts:
InLoveWithDavidTennant · 03/05/2013 19:03

Shock wtf? tell your dsis to grow a back bone and say fuck off NO!

so the widow cant have the body at hers because she cant be around it... yet now your dsis has rolled over agreed to move out, widow is now asking to stay in the same house as the body... ffs! that is just absolutely barmey

i really really hope your dsis gets a weeks rent off them... they are kicking her out of her own home the selfish fuckers

Angry
MumfordandDaughter · 03/05/2013 19:05

My sis is also a bit of a 'clean freak' and is slightly unnerved about coming home at the end of next week to a stinky house with potentially ruined carpets.

Her housemate never cleans up at the best of times, never mind after a housefull of people from a wake.

I feel so bad for her. She needs to stop being so nice and reserved.

OP posts:
FairPhyllis · 03/05/2013 19:05

Your sister seriously needs some backbone.

They will put the coffin on her bed!

pigsDOfly · 03/05/2013 19:06

Exactly my thought Booyhoo, they're going to put him in OP's sister's bedroom.

This just gets grimmer and grimmer. Your DS has got to stand up for herself OP or a member of your family has to intervene. They must not be allowed to bully her like this.

It's making me angry just reading it. Can't imagine how your DS is feeling. I don't care if they are grieving. Grief doesn't turn you into an entitled bully.

cozietoesie · 03/05/2013 19:09

MumfordandDaughter

You can ask MNHQ to remove the thread if you feel that it may have given away more than your sis would be comfortable with. (By using the report link on your opening post.) They may or may not agree to do it but there's no harm in you asking.

Booyhoo · 03/05/2013 19:09

ooh houseproud! i hadn't thought of that (was thinking of my own tip of a house Blush)

OP i really think your sister should stand firm on this. she cant even lock her bedroom door- what if something gets stolen or damaged? this family sound like they will stick the arm right in given half a chance and i'd bet anything they wont be stumping up the cash if something gets damaged/stolen by a visitor.

if it was me the. last thing i would be doing would be giving them free run of the house. she really should think about this.

cozietoesie · 03/05/2013 19:10

PS - but save or print out the thread first.

magentastardust · 03/05/2013 19:12

I think your poor sister is completely being taken advantage of here and shudder at the thought that they may use her bedroom for the body. However I do understand her just keeping her head down and getting on with it-it is a small island,wakes are normal, the landlord, priest etc etc will probably all be in agreement with your sisters house mates family and in a time of such grief your poor sister will be made to look the bad guy for causing trouble and being awkward.

At least she has another accommodation option -which is far from ideal but I would just think about getting a new housing arrangement as soon as possible.

I know I would also be uncomfortable with going back to the house afterwards knowing that the body had been there. I would have nightmares for weeks but that's just me.

cozietoesie · 03/05/2013 19:12

Booyhoo

Whatever else, no-one on an island would steal from or damage anything in a wake house. They'd have to leave the community if found out.

MisForMumNotMaid · 03/05/2013 19:13

I'm glad for your sis that she has found some where to go and that her HOD's husband is able to support her in picking her stuff up.

Regarding the lack of response by the landlord and letting agents, the bullying of the other tenant and moving in another person, albeit a dead one and possibly the mother, I wonder whether there is grounds for terminating the letting agreement early and not having to pay till August if she wishes to find other accomodation now - assuming its available.

ParsingFancy · 03/05/2013 19:14

I bet they'd borrow or accidentally damage, though. Given this family's behaviour so far, I don't see them holding back if there's something from the DSis's drawers room that they want.

CatelynStark · 03/05/2013 19:14

Fucking Hell! I must live in a parallel universe! [shocked]

WafflyVersatile · 03/05/2013 19:15

Dad can stay at mums . Flatmate can stay at mums. Mum can stay at your sisters .

edlyu · 03/05/2013 19:15

Of course she should withhold however many days rent she has been forced to live elsewhere. But she probably wont.

I have no problem with dead bodies at all and would not object to having people traispsing in and out of the house if it were large enough so that I could go off to my own space .But I would really object to having to do any of this without any consultation. I feel for her. What a horrible situation she has been put into by the other family.

I wonder how they are going to manage to live together after this though?

Booyhoo · 03/05/2013 19:16

cosietoesie unless you know all the people attending, you cant say that with any certainty. also. the housemate said people wil be coming on teh ferry to visit, i'm guessing from the mainland- therefore dont need to worry about leaving the community of found out. and some people will just brazen things out and blame someone else till the fuss blows over. people can be sleekid.

magentastardust · 03/05/2013 19:17

Waffly -that is a good suggestion.

AngiBolen · 03/05/2013 19:17

Wel, the wife of the deceased is being bang out of order, not wanting him in her home, or him going to the chapel, but giving someone else a hard time!

Your poor sister!

When our priest arrived he told mourners bodies couldn't be left in the church over night for insurance reasons. Could your sister try that with the land lord?

I think she might have an OK time with the HOD...it won't be all that bad. In fact, it might to her some good socially.

But I do think she needs to find somewhere else to live after this has all blown over.

LadyBeagleEyes · 03/05/2013 19:17

If it was my sister I'd be on the first bus up there and be having words.
Fortunately my sister isn't so wet.

Booyhoo · 03/05/2013 19:17

also, i didn't say intentional damage. stuff can be damaged accidentally. and people can either not realise they've done it or just pretend they didn't notice.

cozietoesie · 03/05/2013 19:21

You make valid points, Booyhoo - but this will likely not be a wild wake. Island wakes are exceeding drawn out and (often) tedious affairs with lots of silences. You're generally talking tea and sandwiches with the Great Aunties.

Lweji · 03/05/2013 19:25
Shock

God, no!

Leave the body at home and get the mother to your sister's instead.

Plus, it would be in a common area, so your sister has every right to oppose.

If they still go ahead with it, I'd move out asap.

DontmindifIdo · 03/05/2013 19:26

Get your Sister to ask about staying at the housemate's mother's house if the housemate's mother will be staying with them. Also make sure she specifies the coffin must not go in her bedroom.

DontmindifIdo · 03/05/2013 19:27

oh and other options if the mother can't stay alone at her house with the body, then either her housemate goes to stay with her mum, or housemate goes there and the mum stays with your sister at her house.