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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sister's housemate wants to bring her father's body to stay at their home for 5 days before funeral. Advice?

490 replies

MumfordandDaughter · 03/05/2013 12:58

Hello, sorry if this is in the wrong area.

My sister's just phoned me in bits. She works as a teacher further up North from me on one of the small islands. She shares a house with a fellow teacher/colleague.

The housemate is an only child. Her elderly father died last night and the mother has refused to have his body at their home because she wouldn't be able to cope. She also doesn't want the body to remain at the funeral parlour or go to chapel. So the mother has asked her daughter - my sister's housemate - to have him at her house instead, to which the housemate agreed.

My sister is really uncomfortable with this. Especially as it's going to be an open coffin until the day of the funeral (middle of next week). The housemate plans to hold 2-3 rosaries and the wake at their house, too.

My sister - who is really quiet and usually a 'yes' person - has told her housemate she's not happy with this arrangement, and it will make her really uncomfortable.

The housemate really didn't take this well and it ended with the mother phoning my sister and calling her selfish.

My sister doesn't know what to do. It's a really small town she lives in, with just one very expensive hotel. My parents have refused to loan her the money to stay at the hotel for the week as they feel the housemate should fork up at least half.

My sister also doesn't want to have to move, because it's so far from school/work, and there's no guarantee there'll be any rooms (it's only a 7-room place).

She doesn't know where she stands. It's not a religious difference, as they're both the same religion. it's just the thought of her father's open coffin being in their living room for all that time, and all the family visiting through the week.

My sister and housemate aren't particularly friends, but they've always been civil up until now.

Does anyone have any advice i could pass on?

(I told her to come on here herself but she refused to because she doesn't have children Blush)

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/05/2013 12:00

My thoughts too.
Maybe we should inundate Mumford with PMs. :)

MumfordandDaughter · 05/05/2013 12:07

Hello, everyone. So sorry for the delay. My sister said she?s okay with the thread staying so long as I haven?t disclosed any specific info such as names or locations (e.g. exactly what island she?s staying on). I?m a bit worried I might have said too much already actually, so I?ll try and be more vague with my posts.

Okay. I want to start off by saying that myself and my family don?t live anywhere near my sis. We?re near Edinburgh. My dad has been constantly helping my sis out ever since she moved up there. He had to find her a flat. He had to go through all the contracts with the landlord/agency. And he?s quite ill at the moment with an ulcer so all this stress isn?t good for him, which my mum pointed out to my sis Fri night, leading sis to get all uppity and stubborn, refusing to give us permission to contact the priest etc on her behalf. She says she doesn?t need anyone?s help if it?s ?too much trouble.?

As for how she can handle a classroom... She?s newly qualified. This is her first year as a proper teacher (last year was her probationary year). Out of 6 interviews she went for, 5 of the schools wanted her. She picked the one on the island because she fancied a quiet lifestyle and wanted to prove she could be independent. She mid-twenties by the way. No idea why she can address a class of kids and not two adults!

Anyway. She went home Fri night with the HOD?s husband. The mother and housemate were there, but the body was not. Due to some reason, it?s now not going to be arriving until Monday. Don?t know why, but it apparently wasn?t the mother?s/housemate?s decision as they seemed quite upset about the delay.

So my sister said okay, she?ll not be moving to HOD?s house until Monday then. The mother seemed quite surprised by this and asked ?where am I supposed to sleep then?? She assumed from my sister?s lack of reply that she was agreeing to the mother having her bed. The HOD?s husband then cut in stating the obvious. It?s my sis?s house/bed and she wants to sleep on it. The mother said she can?t go home because she was expecting a few visitors over the weekend at my sis?s house and she didn?t want to mess them about. My sis found her courage at this stage and asked about swapping houses for the week ? as you suggested ? and the mother said no because she hardly knows my sis and doesn?t want a stranger sleeping in her house. My sis pointed out the hypocrisy, and the mother said that the flatmate isn?t a stranger to my sis and that she would be properly supervised if that?s what my sis wanted.

Anyway. This really riled my sis. And she ? in her words ? found her balls. She told them that she?s sick of being bossed around and being made to feel unwelcome in her own home. She said she?ll be staying in her room and that she?ll be treating the house as if she can?t see all of the visitors coming and going. She also said that if the landlord doesn?t get back to her by Sun night (tonight) she?ll be going to his house personally to get him to put a stop to this.

So this ended in a huge argument with tears and name calling. Nothing got solved. And they haven?t spoken to each other since.

Waiting on her getting back to me a bit later with any more news.

Sorry for the ramble! Trying to type as I remember the conversation.

Thanks again for everyone's advice. But i don't think there's anything left to be done tbh. I doubt my sis will stand up for herself like that again in a hurry. My prediction is she'll just stay shut up in her room for the week, and put up with the visitors, body, rosaries, wake etc.

OP posts:
MumfordandDaughter · 05/05/2013 12:12

Oh dear, just catching up on all the replies since Fri when i last posted. I'm so sorry to keep you all waiting when you've all been so lovely to help!

My daughter's not been well and hasn't given be a minute long enough to sit and write that gigantic reply.

In fact, it's taken me all morning just to write that. Ihad to keep coming back and adding to it when my dd was momentarily distracted, then had to copy it over to this Mumsnet page.

Sleep deprived and grumpy, excuse the horrific grammar please. Blush

Anyway, thanks again, everyone. My sis isn't really talking to any of us now, so don't know how long it will be before i hear back from her.

OP posts:
StealthOfficialCrispTester · 05/05/2013 12:15

Well done to your sister for standing up to them as she did!

Alligatorpie · 05/05/2013 12:18

Good for her standing up to them. How awful they were going to use her room for the weekend, when the body wasn't even there.

I hope she can move out soon!

DontmindifIdo · 05/05/2013 12:22

wow! Well done on your sister! I think the housemate needs to realise this is stupid.

Also could you call your sister and suggest she speaks to the priest (now she's found her balls she can deal with it) and get them to say it's inapproprate to have the body in this house if the housemate doesn't want it there. And that she's entirely within her right to cause a scene when the wake is happening, so it should be moved back to the mother's house...

Lweji · 05/05/2013 12:23

Well done sis.
And thanks for the update.

You could email her this thread, particularly the suggestions for loud music. Possibly putting on the tv Night of the Living Dead. :). Or several comedies, with canned laughter.

I might be out in the livin room with some febreeze too.

Let's hope it's not for 5 days, then.

roisin · 05/05/2013 12:37

Well done sis for standing up to them.

If she knows who the funeral directors are, she could contact them direct and say the occupies of the house do not all give consent to having the body there. (FDs are always on call, so there will be someone there now.)

cocolepew · 05/05/2013 12:44

God they really take the biscuit don't they?

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii · 05/05/2013 12:49

If the body isn't coming until the Monday then there is no need to have a extended wake. They could just have the bady there for a night. This would still be TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE but not quite as bad as five nights.

Hopefully, it may still not happen at all.

coffeeinbed · 05/05/2013 12:58

I've only been lurking here so far, but blimey, the cheek of that!
Where is she going to sleep
on top of everything else
Shock

cozietoesie · 05/05/2013 13:00

Just a thought but could you speak to your Sis's Head Teacher? She might be able to sort something out - and in any case, if there are issues on the island she'd best know about it to protect your sister.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 05/05/2013 13:01

Thanks for coming back Mumford, sorry to hear about all the falling out, particularly as it was caused by non-family members being totally out of order.

When you speak with her, tell your sis to hang on to those balls, they come in very useful!

MaryMungoAndMidgies · 05/05/2013 13:02

Well done your sister. If the door can't be locked, she needs to stay put. They may be grieving, but the mother and flatmate are taking the piss.

Doesn't want a "stranger" in her house indeed. Good for the HOD chipping in and supporting her.

LadyBeagleEyes · 05/05/2013 13:04

Your sister has now put her foot down, she can't back out now.
Hopefully the initial row has made her more confident, and she can now say 'Yay, I can do this', and carry on.

Booyhoo · 05/05/2013 13:09

you know OP i think your sister might surprise you and hold onto those balls to see this through. this might have given her the courage to tsand her ground and refuse access and refuse to move out.

the widow sounds absoloutely vile tbh. grieving or not, her heads up her hole.

LIZS · 05/05/2013 13:12

the mother said no because she hardly knows my sis and doesn?t want a stranger sleeping in her house. My sis pointed out the hypocrisy, and the mother said that the flatmate isn?t a stranger to my sis and that she would be properly supervised if that?s what my sis wanted.

but it is ok for your sis to have a dead stranger in her home ! Shock. I know grief can affect people strangely but that logic really is beyond belief.

DontmindifIdo · 05/05/2013 13:19

oh, and if she's worried about sounding like a cow with the priest, she could call and ask if there's something she doesn't know about to justify this odd behaviour, because on the face of it they are just wanting to use her home to avoid the mess at the mother's (as the mother obviously doesn't have a problem sleeping in the same house as the body, which is what your sister first thought). And before she refuses access to the undertakers (which is what she's going to do) could the priest explain if there's some sort of history that means it can't happen at the mother's house? that way she sounds concerned and can ask if the priest can talk to housemate's mum about how undignified it will be to try and force this when your sister fully intends to make it clear she doesn't want the body there and will try to stop access...

DrHolmes · 05/05/2013 13:23

What i don't understand is how the housemates mother is able to cope with the body being at your sister/housemate house if she is also going to be there instead of her own house where the housemate could also go. Is that not very strange?

This whole thing is totally unreasonable and i hope your sister tells the funeral direcotrs that she is not agreeing to this. I also hope she gets full backing from the landlord and I agree with other posters that she needs to put a lock on her door even if the landlord won't be happy about it.

God I am so angry on behalf of your sister! I don't even know how this is going to be resolved even after the funeral. Can it really go back to the way it was?!

SauvignonBlanche · 05/05/2013 13:25

Wow, I know the poor woman may be grief stricken but she sounds awful!
Good on the HOD's husband for sticking up for her.

FannyFifer · 05/05/2013 13:39

Thanks for updating, truly mad behaviour.
Good for your sis.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 05/05/2013 14:45

thanks for the update op

well done to your sister for sticking up for herself... i hope she has the courage to do so again.

grief or not... they are being extremely rude and unreasonable.... and on top of that... very hypocritical! the mother cant have a stranger in her house yet your sister has to put up with 2? and one of them is dead! madness!

sweetiepie1979 · 05/05/2013 15:11

Gosh I'm shocked at how the mother and this girl are treating your sister that's terrible.

50shadesofmeh · 05/05/2013 15:26

Well done your sis for finding her balls, I hope she stands her ground. grieving or not the flatmates mother is a cheeky bastard, if I were your sis I'd definitely phone the funeral parlour and put a stop to this, all relations are ruined now anyway.

expatinscotland · 05/05/2013 15:28

I'd make sure I saw the LL in person. If that were my house I would serve the housemate notice as soon as legally possible. I would not want a body laid out in my property for that amount of time.

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