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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sister's housemate wants to bring her father's body to stay at their home for 5 days before funeral. Advice?

490 replies

MumfordandDaughter · 03/05/2013 12:58

Hello, sorry if this is in the wrong area.

My sister's just phoned me in bits. She works as a teacher further up North from me on one of the small islands. She shares a house with a fellow teacher/colleague.

The housemate is an only child. Her elderly father died last night and the mother has refused to have his body at their home because she wouldn't be able to cope. She also doesn't want the body to remain at the funeral parlour or go to chapel. So the mother has asked her daughter - my sister's housemate - to have him at her house instead, to which the housemate agreed.

My sister is really uncomfortable with this. Especially as it's going to be an open coffin until the day of the funeral (middle of next week). The housemate plans to hold 2-3 rosaries and the wake at their house, too.

My sister - who is really quiet and usually a 'yes' person - has told her housemate she's not happy with this arrangement, and it will make her really uncomfortable.

The housemate really didn't take this well and it ended with the mother phoning my sister and calling her selfish.

My sister doesn't know what to do. It's a really small town she lives in, with just one very expensive hotel. My parents have refused to loan her the money to stay at the hotel for the week as they feel the housemate should fork up at least half.

My sister also doesn't want to have to move, because it's so far from school/work, and there's no guarantee there'll be any rooms (it's only a 7-room place).

She doesn't know where she stands. It's not a religious difference, as they're both the same religion. it's just the thought of her father's open coffin being in their living room for all that time, and all the family visiting through the week.

My sister and housemate aren't particularly friends, but they've always been civil up until now.

Does anyone have any advice i could pass on?

(I told her to come on here herself but she refused to because she doesn't have children Blush)

OP posts:
Geezer · 04/05/2013 13:14

Jesus and Mary on a speedboat, you don't really think that they'd put the coffin on OP's sister's bed, do you? Tell me you're exaggerating and you don't think they'd go that far, please.

expatinscotland · 04/05/2013 13:16

And you don't think they won't put the poor man in the sister's bedroom? Why not? They're not above bullying a person out of her own home?

I agree with SGB, the big issue is the bullying.

Lweji · 04/05/2013 13:17

I suspect this thread will still be going on even after the poor man is buried. Grin

docket · 04/05/2013 13:23

Actually, I really think you need to step in on your sister's behalf here. This can't be allowed to happen.

Geezer · 04/05/2013 13:23

It's not that I don't think so, expatinscotland, it's that I don't know what to think. I'm hoping the family will have a little more decency than that and tbh it didn't even occur to me that they might do it until someone said it as I read on, then someone else mentioned it. I'm sitting here thinking, oh my word, tell me they're exaggerating, please tell me they are.

I know how I'd handle it because, rightly or wrongly I couldn't bear to be in the same house as a wake. It wouldn't get to the stage where the coffin even came to the door if I was the sister so I hadn't quite got my head around the sequence of events beyond telling the undertakers that it wasn't happening.

LadyBeagleEyes · 04/05/2013 13:31

If i hadn't advance searched the Op, I'd have thought this has to be a troll thread.
Except she is an eminently sensible poster who's been around for a while.
I agree someone has to step in on the sister's behalf here.
I'm so with Expat on this, ok some people are not confrontational, I'm not, but in a situation like this she so needs a kick up the arse. And I'd be the one to do it if my dsis wouldn't, I'd be too angry to do otherwise.

Geezer · 04/05/2013 13:35

I agree, LadyBeagleEyes. Revolving around my mind at the moment are the thoughts, "Why hasn't someone in the family called the undertaker, priest and housemate and sorted this out if the sister won't do it herself?" and, "PM me the bloody phone number and I'll do it myself"!

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii · 04/05/2013 13:42

I think story is newsworthy. The Daily Fail would love it.

travailtotravel · 04/05/2013 13:49

Dying to hear from OP how things are going! Come back OP!

travailtotravel · 04/05/2013 13:50

Oh CRAP! I just realised what I wrote - so sorry - didn't mean to cause any offence.

I'll just sit in the corner and flagellate myself.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 04/05/2013 14:02

Geezer, last night, I thought about asking for the number and calling myself, too. But having someone from across the pond jump into the circumstances would take it all to a new level, not that stranger things haven't happened.

SolidGoldBrass and Expatinscotland have, imho, distilled the circumstances to the foundational truth of the matter in their usual intelligent style. The OP's sister did say she was not comfortable with this but then had it forced on her with the statement that she simply had to 'get over it' (my quotes and paraphrasing) thus a complete disregard for her feelings/thoughts on the matter. That is bullying, and just plain mean.

Lweji · 04/05/2013 14:08

That the story would have come from MN would add an interesting twist too. Grin

Madamecastafiore · 04/05/2013 14:10

Neither of you have a right to who he about the situation if you are just going to roll over and let it happen.

If your sister can't stand up for herself what the feck are her family doing to stop this happening.

I'd be in the phone to every bloody agency, police, social services, priest, environmental health, funeral director, council, feck me, the local MP would be getting a call too.

Bloody do something about it.

Lweji · 04/05/2013 14:13

Would an open horizontal freezer work, btw?
One wonders...

This is how I love my country's tradition of having the funeral the very next day.
Which also results in sometimes missing friends/acquaintances funerals because it's arranged overnight.

OP, if you are still around, or reading this, your sister should really host a poker tournament next week. Or a swingers party. Or a goth's party (which would also be nice this weekend, preferably with open invitations over fb).

Viviennemary · 04/05/2013 14:20

I haven't read the whole thread. But absolutely no no no and a million times no. If everyone who lives in the house is not entirely comfortable with this then it is an absolute no.

EffieTheDuck · 04/05/2013 14:26

The wake will have begun by now and will go on until Tuesday. Sad

fuzzywuzzy · 04/05/2013 14:28

I don't know much about these things as we bury our dead as quickly as possible.

But is this not unhygienic, won't the body smell pretty off by Tuesday?

Poor sister of OP.

Viviennemary · 04/05/2013 14:30

If I lived in that house, I would call every agency going to get this stopped. Environmental Health, Landlord, police and so on. It's wrong unless everyone in the house agrees.

EffieTheDuck · 04/05/2013 14:33

I'm thinking if OP said the funeral was midweek then it might be on Wednesday.
The sister on HOD's couch for at least that time plus a couple of extra days for the bereaved to clean the house and gather their thoughts.

hermioneweasley · 04/05/2013 14:55

Keen for an update on this one!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 04/05/2013 15:03

Lweji I just had a vision of a deli case in the living room. Shock Grin

Mumford, I hope that the week turns into a positive for you sister. Please let us know.

EduCated · 04/05/2013 15:42

Shock just Shock

embolina · 04/05/2013 16:13

Mumford- Give us a freakin' update!!!!!!!

doubleshotespresso · 04/05/2013 16:16

This sounds a nightmare scenario, but I agree with many other posters, your sister needs to seriously put her foot down. This is not about bring shy, she LIVES at this property and should be considered.

I would not leave the property and would refuse the body even entering the house. There is a family home where this poor man should be allowed some dignity in death.

Your sister also needs to make clear to her flatmate how deeply offensive her behaviour is regardless of her loss.... Surely your sister will move out asap?

Lweji · 04/05/2013 16:20

I wonder if recent pps realise this was yesterday...

What we want is a blooming update.

Pretty please. :)

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