Sister's housemate wants to bring her father's body to stay at their home for 5 days before funeral. Advice?

[MumfordandDaughter]

Hello, sorry if this is in the wrong area.

My sister's just phoned me in bits. She works as a teacher further up North from me on one of the small islands. She shares a house with a fellow teacher/colleague.

The housemate is an only child. Her elderly father died last night and the mother has refused to have his body at their home because she wouldn't be able to cope. She also doesn't want the body to remain at the funeral parlour or go to chapel. So the mother has asked her daughter - my sister's housemate - to have him at her house instead, to which the housemate agreed.

My sister is really uncomfortable with this. Especially as it's going to be an open coffin until the day of the funeral (middle of next week). The housemate plans to hold 2-3 rosaries and the wake at their house, too.

My sister - who is really quiet and usually a 'yes' person - has told her housemate she's not happy with this arrangement, and it will make her really uncomfortable.

The housemate really didn't take this well and it ended with the mother phoning my sister and calling her selfish.

My sister doesn't know what to do. It's a really small town she lives in, with just one very expensive hotel. My parents have refused to loan her the money to stay at the hotel for the week as they feel the housemate should fork up at least half.

My sister also doesn't want to have to move, because it's so far from school/work, and there's no guarantee there'll be any rooms (it's only a 7-room place).

She doesn't know where she stands. It's not a religious difference, as they're both the same religion. it's just the thought of her father's open coffin being in their living room for all that time, and all the family visiting through the week.

My sister and housemate aren't particularly friends, but they've always been civil up until now.

Does anyone have any advice i could pass on?

(I told her to come on here herself but she refused to because she doesn't have children )

I agree with neo and crikey

OP are you/your sister just going to accept this?
Is there any chance she can hand her notice in and find somewhere else to live?
(would be interesting viewings for potential new tenants)

Saggy it's cultural....for many the thought of their loved ones with strangers after death is abhorrent. She can't cope herself...it's a very human response...but neither can she take the idea of him alone...she wants him with family.

So how about a compromise?

6 hours before the funeral , Between 9am and 3pm the body will be be in closed casket in the front room .

Anyone coming from afar who feels the need to talk to the coffin , pay their respects or whatever can do it the day before. They can then stay overnight and go to the funeral before.

The body can be cold stored till then , in the morgue.( where it should be )

This way relatives or acquaintances can do what they feel the need to, OP sis doent even have to be there , no H and S risk , no flies, no smell , no dribble of random visitors knocking on the door.

The wife/mum will not have the body in her house, but its OK for the relatives/ frineds to be met at the door maybe by a random ( Op sis) ,, chances are the mum would be there all the time anyway.

so many levels of wrong imo.

Neo - so the housemate can stay at her mum's with her father. No one would be alone, and no one else would be inconvenienced or distressed.

Sorry if this has been posted already ... Can't read all 12 pages.

Why can't the body go to the mother's house and your sister's housemate go stay with her mum for 5 days? That way the mum doesn't have to cope on her own, they get to have the body somewhere people can visit, and the mum gets the support of her daughter.

Oo Belgian, great minds think alike!

Unbelievable!

Your sister definitely needs a lock.

The dead man's family are being utterly unreasonable. If the body's arrived by now it's probably to late to do anything about it but it should be made clear to them that your sister will ask them to pay a
all the rent for the week they are taking over the house, plus the cost of cleaning the house after all the visitors have left. (I see a lot of people have mentioned floor damage from corpse leakage - if keeping the coffin at home is a local tradition the undertakers will be prepared for it and should take any necessary steps to prevent that sort of damage. If they don't, they will be liable for the cost of putting that right. However, lots of people trooping through to see the body and visit the family will inevitably make the house dirty, so a house clean and professional carpet clean will be needed because of that. If there's a lingering smell then thy will probably also need to pay for curtains and other upholstery to be cleaned. Your sister has a right to 'quiet enjoyment' of her home - if the other family won't pay to put things right once the week is over it may be possible to use the small claims court to recover the costs. I'm not familiar with the Scottish system - you'll need to investigate local rules.

The people saying stop the rent or walk out of the lease are also being unreasonable. It is not the landlord's job to mediate disputes between housemates, and unless the tenancy agreement already contains a clause banning dead bodies or limiting numbers of visitors there's probably nothing he can do about it. Withholding rent or breaking the tenancy simply leave your sister with legal and credit rating problems in addition to everything else.

From the way you've described her, it sounds as if your sister's problems with social interactions are causing her significant problems beyond the immediate one - and if not addressed she's likely to continue to run into problems like this in future. (OK, probably not exactly like this, but people will walk over her and make her life difficult if she can't stand up to them). If she talks to her GP she may well find it's possible to be referred for behavioural therapy that will help.

neo have you bothered to actually read any of the posts????? The mother is on about moving in with her daughter and dead husband at her daughters house ao if the is happy to live here for 5 day with a dead body then frankly she has no bloody excuse jot to have him in her own home.

Try actually reading what's put before posting antagonistic and pointless remarks

I suspect the widow's house is in a bad state and they can't have people in.

I wish the op's sister had stood her ground.

At the very least, I hope she padlocks the bedroom door.

Also, I had the same reaction as chasedbybees and thought "she should blast metal music all week." Carcass would be an appropriate band.

The whole thing is crazy. Right or wrong a lot of people are uncomfortable with dead bodies, regardless of the cultural norm.
I come from a Mediterranean family where keeping the body at home is a norm. My grandparents both died at home and were kept at home until their funerals.

It was only two days as the embalmers told us that after that the body becomes too damaged. They lived in a big house so there was effectively a 'death room'. Even then some of my cousins didn't feel comfortable looking at the bodies.
There are people who would rather remember the person alive than see bodies that sometimes don't even look like their loved one anymore.

The situation should not be inflicted on a random housemate. It's awful for her.

OP, would you please give us an update?

I was very close to my FIL who died in hospital 2 years ago following an accident. DH's family are Mediterranean and I was expected to go to the hospital following his death. (I had been there a lot while he was in ICU). I agreed to go, hoping I could avoid seeing him, but this was not to be. At the age of 42 I saw my first corpse, TBH I'm happy to leave it another 42 before I see another. He didn't look like FIL, but after 3 days of life support it was nice to see him peaceful. As for having him at home, thank god this was not discussed as we are the ones with a big enough house, but I have 3 DC's, one of whom was only 6 mo.

Update from OP please

Read all of this gobsmacked.

Clearly the bereaved mother & daughter are in the wrong but....

Your sis really does need to learn to stand up for herself - if she can't negotiate something like this where the other side are being so utterly unreasonable she is going to be walked over for the rest of her life. Undertaker or priests would have been the obvious non-confrontational way of keeping to body out.

tbf to the sis, it's very hard to be assertive with grieving people, you'd feel like a bitch. I had a situation where an impromptu wake started at my shared house and went on til gone 2am, with LOTS of noise, children running around playing games slamming doors. I had to go out and very gently say something about the doors, but to see the relatives it's very hard not to have some empathy and be prepared to give a little. My flat mate was a little lacking in the boundaries department shall we say (it wasn't her relative, she just brought everyone back). She actually couldn't see what was wrong with it. As far as she was concerned the grieving trumped any feelings I might have about having people keep me and the neighbours awake, when we all had work the next day (though she didn't have work....)

But this situation is totally, utterly, completely out of that league. I would be SO SO pissed off, I would have to move. I feel for your sis, I really really do, but I don't understand why she couldn't call the priest.

I come on MN thinking I've read it all, I can't be shocked anymore, but then......I won't forget this one in a hurry....

This situation is truly bizarre and quite shocking. I can't believe any family (even one overwhelmed with grief) would think this was acceptable. Is there an update OP?

If I was your DSis I would now be worrying that they actually wanted my bedroom to put the Deceased in for the duration.

Whilst it is highly understandable the your sis wouldn't want the mum sleeping in her bedroom, it is probably preferable to having the dad in there instead, especially given how many posters have said that there is a distinct and lingering unpleasant smell - double especially after a long warm time of lying out in an open casket.

Oops

Meant to add that I am sure that most landlords would understand if the did put a lock on the door in the circumstances - and whether she either offers to remove and repair afterwards or leave for the next tenants, they shouldn't object. And the housemate should cover all the costs although I'm not sure that she would agree on current form!

Think your sister needs to stay home and guard her bedroom....