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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Whacking The Wine Witch Round The Chops (With Barry The Squid).

999 replies

Mouseface · 01/05/2013 17:32

Hello, I'm Mouse :)

I'm one of the Brave Babes who's travelling on this wonderful, magical, mysterious Bus, trying to hold onto my sobriety for me, and for my family.

I do drink but thanks to this Bus, I've kicked the vodka addiction into touch and the evil WineWitch has been banished far, far away so I now drink in a controlled manner, One Day At A Time. :)

By that, I mean that just for today, I won't be drinking. Tomorrow, however, I will be because it's a very special occasion. The day after will be dealt with when I wake, and the day after that, the day after etc.....

We're a Bus filled with some fantastic posters, some who drink, some who don't touch a drop ever and some who are on/off drinkers who have lovely warm seats in the side-car, some are hanging onto the roof-rack by the tips of their fingers and trying their best to resist the dreaded WineWitch's charms night after night. But they are trying, and that's all that any of us can do, is keep trying, keep starting again!

So, if you think that you're drinking too much (you probably are) why not come and say hi? We won't bite - unless you ask very nicely, manners cost nothing Wink.

There's lots of seats so pick whichever one you like and have a Brew. Just jump in, we're not a judgemental pack of quiche makers Wink

And here's a bit of light reading for you.... our latest thread and the very first one, the reason we're all here.

PREVIOUS THREAD

FIRST EVER THREAD

OP posts:
guggenheim · 18/05/2013 17:30

fullof lol! You've done your best and spent time with the 3 witches, no need to be calm or collected any more. Feel free to flick v signs or worse at them. This forum is great for offloading. Do you have to keep seeing them or can you go when they aren't around?

I don't have any contact with my biological father after realising that I didn't need his shit at all. Been perfectly happy with my decision ever since.Hope you are ok
x

fullofhopefullness · 18/05/2013 17:38

Hi there gugg its an awfully complex situation and I could fill this whole page with episodes that would make your hair curl :-) today finally made the decision that minimum contact is best for my sanity! I saw them clearly for years but wasnt able to face up to it. Im going forward without them in my head or heart.

fullofhopefullness · 18/05/2013 17:44

Ps xx and understand what you mean. Parents are not always what they should be. Thats not a comment on anyone heres parenting skills but I used to find lots of things upsetting like happy family tv ads and even when i was young books with happy families in them. I was v unhappy. Moving forward is best.

Mouseface · 18/05/2013 18:14

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

Sorry to skip straight back to this but PURPLE, I don't think that your DD is self harming, nor is she going to. I don't think she'd kill herself either because there's no way that she'd let you see her stripped off if so. She'd hide every inch of her skin. My DD was careless when I saw her..... she'd reached up to get something and I saw her cuts across her stomach.

She's also cut chunks of her hair out from underneath thinking I wouldn't see but I did and do. I know because I was once 12,13 14..... She forgets that I was once her age.

The note could have been a test, to see if you'd say anything to her upon finding it. I don't think it's a cry for help as such or on it's own if you see what I mean, more a 'this is how I feel today, my life is super shit just now and I wish it wasn't........'

DD and I have been dancing this merry little dance of for a number of years now. Like you, I have always tried to give the her the best of things, labels that her friends were wearing when she went through that particular phase etc, when she wanted to get the same as her friends, I did all I could to make it happen. Especially before DH and I met.

She has incredibly huge lows and is often dreadfully sad which I think she has inherited that trait from me. She will wish herself dead one hour and not the next. I hated being her age, I ran away from home, all the way to the end of the road, I shit you not.

I was tired of my mother saying no to me for everything, or so I thought at that age, so I packed a bag and waited at the end of the road until my mother came home from getting my brother from school and told her I was leaving. Why the actual fuck I waited to tell her I don't know to this day!

She asked if I wanted her to ask the neighbour to drop me somewhere or was I getting the bus, did I have any money. When I said I didn't know, she suggested that I get in the house before I got cold, took my small bag out of my hand, and sent me to my room.

She said that when my father got home, she'd tell him and he'd deal with me Hmm

He told me that in actual fact, I'd scared my mum half to death, worried her so much that she was at the kitchen table sobbing, my sister had been packed off to our aunts for dinner, and my brother was in the living room crying because mum was crying.

She was asking herself where she'd gone wrong, what she'd done to me to make me want to leave.

As mothers in particular, we have a dreadfully hard time of horMENTALS kicking in with our daughters. Or can do. Whatever 'this' is Purps, it's not you. It's no that you've failed her, let her down, not done what was best for her etc. It's just teen girls and boys can get as bad.

It's because those are words she wanted to write right there and right then, and maybe has no idea why herself. Or because she was going to show a friend at school. Or because she felt shitty that day.

Has your DD started her periods yet? I find with DD that mid-cycle she has a dreadful slump, she'll stay in bed for the day if not at school.....she really gets low and will avoid the rest of the world if she can.

She hates her life, me, DH, Nemo, her 'friends' etc on a regular basis when she's due a period.... she picks up on things very quickly, she can read situations even though I think that I've hidden them from her so well......................

I always ask if she wants to talk and except her answer unless I think she's lying, in which case I will make time, real time, to come back and ask her again.

DD's said she wanted to kill herself because of what other girls have said or done too........ I wouldn't go back to that part of my life or hers for anything.

Keep talking to her (sorry if I'm way off base with the above btw) xx

OP posts:
Pan · 18/05/2013 18:28

Hi you all. I really hope you don't mind me coming on here for asking for a bit of advice purposes??
I'd posted this in Chat but it had no replies, and I was wondering if anyone here could assist. The post was as follows:

"I have a role as sort of having 'detached responsibilities' for a chronic alcoholic who is now in a hostel for the homeless. From closely drinking himself to death, he is now on 2-3 tins per day and really wants to quit even this. I spoke to the staff yesterday about sugar and alcohol and suggested he spends a week eating sweet things (even fruit!) and he be given extra puddings etc. This is on the basis of his head will be telling him he wants alcohol, his body will be craving the sugar, and his motivation to succeed needs all the support it can get.

A relayed reply message from the head of the hostel was " Sugar addiction in alcohol? I've heard it all now!"
The advice request is..how can I best explain this to someone who's alcohol education is so poor, despite being in charge of a residential unit where drinkers often end up? I've googled it but links speak in broad generalities, and nothing that will be easily consumed by this person.
Can any knowing poster assist by putting something brief and convincing please? Unless I am completely mistaken!
< I thought about asking on the Brave Babes thread but decided not to>

tia"

any one assist please?

dementedma · 18/05/2013 18:49

pan thanks for posting. if you dont follow the thread regularly you wont know that last week my brother was admitted to a hostel for the homless for exaclty the same reasons as above. your post startled me for a minute as I thought it was about him! He is undergoing a chemical de-tox and has been advised by his alcohol counsellor to up his sugar levels to compensate for the sugar in alcohol. her exact words were "if you didnt have a sweet tooth before for cakes and biscuits, you will have now." he always drank his tea with no sugar, but now has a spoon of sugar in it as he says "i seem to need it and be craving sugar". I dont know if thats convincing but its a real life example happening in similar circumstances right now. I am appalled at the attitude from your head of hostel. My brother is in a Salvation Army one and they are very clued up on how to support alcoholics. The advice from his counsellor came from FASS - Fife Alochol and Addiction Services. Hope this helps and on a personal note, God bless you for doing what you do and helping people like my brother. You are SO needed in this world.

Pan · 18/05/2013 19:08

dementedma - big apols for the startling! I have only dipped in and out over the years - a large part of one of my jobs gets concerned with the consequences of alcohol misuse.
What you say tho' chimes exactly with my person, and it is convincing, so thank you v much for posting, and I really hope for the best for your bro.

I'll google FASS later on. Intervening over this person will mean stepping on other people's toes, but that's ok in the circs.
and thank you again.

Bproud · 18/05/2013 19:30

Dear Pan
I have just looked into this thread for the first time in weeks. I was a regular here, and have managed to give up alcohol for 2 1/2 years now.

In my first months of giving up (I was drinking 1-2 bottles of wine per day) I ate loads of chocolate and drank lots of soft drinks - especially sickly ones like root beer and cream soda. I was craving alcohol but the sugar satisfied some of that craving and really helped me.

I put on about 10 pounds during that time, but once I had conquered the alcohol I was able to cut the sugar and lost that additional weight and more.
Your friend should be encouraged to eat or do anything he needs to to avoid raching for a drink.

dementedma · 18/05/2013 19:37

If it helps someone battling with the bastard booze pan then stamp on as many toes as you can. Your guy is doing g really well - I hope he makes it.the Babes on here will have lots of advice and information for you - one advantage of us being a load of pissheads is that we have gathered a hell of a lot of experience!

PurpleWolfe · 18/05/2013 19:54

Firstly, huge apologies to those who have posted late yesterday/early today and I haven't got back to you. Totally full day today (sleepover, hair cuts, shopping ect) and tomorrow is out early with picnic and National Trust membership to a castle - alllllll day. I promise to read back properly early in the week.

Thank you so, so much to all who have written about my dilemma regarding DD. You have made me feel like it is, normally, a normal pre-teen/teenage girl thing to do. I am keeping an eye on things but not going to confront her with her letter just yet as, given what I've read and a little time to get some perspective, I think it might just be something pre-teen/teen girls do.

Ladame Yes, she is very imaginative (has won awards for her fictional writing)! Thank you so much for your advice and your kind words and your un-MN hugs. I appreciated them so much yesterday.

Theala Thank you. x We talk a lot but I'll try and steer the conversation round to her friend that self-harms. See what she thinks the reasons/problems are.

Curry Thank you for the literary example advice. You are right to think she would be embarrassed to think I had read the letter. I definitely think it wasn't intended for me to see. x

Full Thank you so much for your insight. I'm sorry but your 'Stephen Hawkin' bit made me laugh out loud! Hugs

Guggs I'm going to keep an eye on her and bide my time. x

Thank you to Clutter, Isinde, Green and Ma xxx

Mouse I'm amazed at your raw candid reply. You have been through the mill with both DD, Nemo and your own childhood - for different reasons. Thank you for your insight. I really knew that the self-harm stuff was a bluff. DD is pretty bright but, thank fuck, I'm a few steps ahead of her in most things!

Bloody knackered and feeling a bit guilty that I'm not contributing to other posters probs. I've been so busy but I'll be back, issuing words of total, ill-advised, nonsensical, useless, 'please-don't take it' crap advice on Monday. Thank you all. xxxx

fullofhopefullness · 18/05/2013 20:15

Purps u just cheered me up xx

Leviticus · 18/05/2013 20:22

My Allen Carr book has arrived today and I've read the first few chapters. I was surprised to see that I'm supposed to keep drinking until the end of the book. I was planning to try doing 6 weeks from tomorrow as per Mintyy's suggestion but was quite pleased and relieved to buy a couple of bottles of wine for DH and I tonight - tragic!

Clutter how long ago did you read it and has it 'worked' properly for you?

I'm feeling hopeful after reading the amazon reviews.

PurpleWolfe · 18/05/2013 20:30

Grin at Full! ( x )

Good luck with the book Lev. Smile

Mouseface · 18/05/2013 21:02

Purps - my DD is a published writer with a very vivid imagination and when I read the 'note', that's what sprang to mind with me too; she's writing from another's perspective. I'm glad you've confirmed that could be the case. You're doing great, it's hard to know how serious pre/teens are because of the hormones whizzing around but you know her better than anyone.

Don't stop asking us though if things change, we all have DCs of various ages! We've all been there at one time or another haven't we? Big hugs xx

Pan - welcome. I can only second and applaud the advice and replies you've had. Sugar is a HUGE factor in alcohol and the way your body reacts. Although according to Jo Frost - aka super nanny - there is no scientific proof that sugar makes 'children hyper' Hmm, it does certainly give the body a rush as such and in turn, those first few days without alcohol can be eased with higher amounts of sugar consumed, in place of the alcohol of course.

Sugar won't kill anyone short term, it's not ideal but it will save a life in place of alcohol. I hope that everything goes well for your guy, I really do. It's a damned hard battle to win, those who do I admire completely.

Even if they only win it One Day At A Time as we say here. :)

Ma - great to hear from you, I'm so pleased that Richard finally got the help he needs, even short term, it's better than what his life was. Actually, it wasn't a life was it? He was just there. xx

Docs went fine, self referral to physio and he said that they did check my thyroid the last time (6wks ago) and it was fine so I'm having a blood test HB1?? something or other for diabetes on Monday as it runs through both sides of the family.

Also, I'm battling with school, they want Nemo to go straight into full days instead of just starting him off slowly on half days as he is now. I have an official meeting on 14th June with lots of his team..... but will speak to them on Monday briefly to air my concerns with that. In simple terms, NO! They want the funding, that's all this is. I want to know he can cope, so, we do it for him, not them or I take him where he WILL be supported the way that he NEEDS to be!

He's our son and we'll decide how his day will work best, they promised us that he could do half days, see how he got on to start, see how he took the massive change etc and have now changed their minds....... Hmm

He is also long overdue a SEN update so they had better pull their finger out!

He's not well again so might not even be in next week!! I'm now in bed with said poorly, up most of last night Nemo so will say goodnight now.

Take care all, sorry for not checking in with everyone!

Mouse xxx

OP posts:
venusandmars · 18/05/2013 21:09

full I've sent you a pm about my situation with my Mum.

dementedma · 18/05/2013 21:10

Hey mouse that's shitty of the school to try and change things when the wee soul has only just got used to half days. I know you will fight his corner.
Dh is working tonight so me and Dcs are watching Euovision, eating tons of crap and having a bitchfest

venusandmars · 18/05/2013 21:32

purple loads of people have posted about their situations and I agree 100%. I think that if your dd is writing it down it is a good thing. There is so much that young people are confronted with - explicit sexual description in the news, violence, suffering, the psychological problems of peers, pressure to experiment with alcohol and drugs (much, much more so than when I was young) and each young person finds their own way through that minefield.

When I was a teenager I managed to convince myself and my friends that someone (an adult) we knew was having an affair. I am appalled at how much utter distress we might have caused [there is not a picture which conveys how bad I feel about this]. But I know this was also part of how my warped teenaged brain dealt with the horror or hearing about rape and violence.

I also had a turbulent period where I turned up at school drunk (frequently) and once got brought home after I'd thrown up in a geography lesson and knocked over the desks in the french lesson.

Yet despite all of that, I do not have any ongoing mental health problems. I'm not on antidepressants, and I've not suffered from any serious mental health problems (well apart from being an alcoholic).

I write this to say that imo teen behaviour is teen behaviour. It is not necessarily related to who you will become. And that mental health issues in youth and mental health issues in adulthood and not always linked. And each deserves its own proper attendance and support.

venusandmars · 18/05/2013 21:35

ma eurovision on here too. I licked the Icelandic chap

venusandmars · 18/05/2013 21:38

LIKED LIKED not that licked other word.

Oh shit! Blush

(images of tongue stuck to ice pole) Oh fuck - this is getting worse Blush

PurpleWolfe · 18/05/2013 22:01

Thank you lovelyMouse DD has a very good imagination too and, similarly, has had stuff (locally) published. I love the support and advice I've got on here about a non-alcohol prob. Thank you all.

Venus Thank you so much for your invaluable support and advice (you know what I mean). Licked - liked!!!!! Visual image. ROTFL!!!! xxxx

guggenheim · 18/05/2013 22:07

Honestly,venus I thought you were a laydee, now I know you are no better than you oughter be! My eyes are shocked at what you did to that poor young man. Why, you have sullied the good name of the Eurovision ... Grin

fullof glad you knew where I was coming from, lovely. nothing too complicated or dark or rude or daft to say out loud on the bus you know. Why, just look at what venus went and did.

Will say good night to avoid the glare I deserve from venus x

pan I initially lost some weight when I gave up the booze but I've put on quite a lot since through picking at chocolate,cakes,soft drinks. I'm hoping to get a grip on this soon but I needed the sugar at first. It's not just needing to physically replace the sugar but I needed a distraction from the psychological cravings. I don't really need it any more, I'm just a pig now Smile

dementedma · 18/05/2013 22:15

Grin at Venus you dirty trollop.
Been watching with the dds who seem to both be in serious need of boyfriends! Irish drummers had them both drooling. I, of course, appreciated the music!

ohcluttergotme · 19/05/2013 06:58

Morning babes. Lol at Venus licking the Icelandic ice lolly!!
Don't know why but just now the ww is really really bugging me. Could be because of new job & I'm feeling stressed & wanting an outlet? Friday night fended her off & thought it was because of the sun but then last night It was pouring & she came tap tap tapping again! Nearly caved but then dd & her friend came in like wee drowned rats & I offered them a life to other friends for sleepover. This helped to distract & I played forward again imagining waking at 2am for a wee & head splitting, feeling like crap & then not getting back to sleep, not finding pain killers. Managed to tell her to piss off again.
Leviticus you asked about Allen Carr. I did dry January bar one spectacular fall off the bus then decided to give up alcohol for lent as feel I work better with clear goals & giving myself things to work towards. One of the fab babes recommended Allen Carr & I got it when I was doing dry lent. He said not to immediately stop when reading the book but because I already had I carried on with not drinking. If you were about to stop & had set yourself a goal I would carry on with that. I found the book brilliant, it felt to me that he allayed all the fears & values I have around alcohol & felt like the content was pitched just where I needed it to be. Such as, I'm quite a sociable person & as a nurse I've had to communicate with many different people but as soon as I'm at a social event I feel I can't function or speak to people unless I constantly have a drink in my hand. It's like I get really socially inept unless I know I'm getting pissed but then I always end up too pissed & then literally am socially inept as I can barely communicate & can't remember anything.
With Allen Carr he's helped me to realise that at social functions its still me, the person who is confident when there is no alcohol involved & that its my own perceptions that makes me think otherwise iyswim?
Good luck with reading & for helping you on your journey.
Wishing all babes a lovely Sunday & hope the sun comes out where you are xx

1stepforward · 19/05/2013 07:21

Clutter could it be because you had some alcohol a few weeks ago after a longer period of abstinence? By then the WW had quietened down and perhaps by feeding her, you re ignited her appetite? Keep going and she will quieten down again. You are doing brilliantly. Previously anytime I listened to the WW after a period of not drinking, that would be it - back to square one drinking every night more or less straight away. I am impressed at how you nipped it in the bud right away and got back on the bus. You are doing so well and it will get easier x

ohcluttergotme · 19/05/2013 08:22

Thanks 1stepforward, think green thought that too. It's like I've opened the gate to the ww & she's doing her best to get to me with her "go on" it's one drink, you deserve it, you need it. Think of that cold glass of nice chilled white wine. It's like she's trying to seduce me with that one glass but I need to remember what that 'one' glass leads to, for me it literally always is devastation & I always regret it!
Think I need to set myself a goal. I'm at 2 weeks now & someone earlier get to 6 weeks, so think my goal just now is get to six weeks xx

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