Husband left me after 30 years

[sadkaren2]

I don?t know what to do. Please help.

My husband has just left me. We have been together for over 30 years, married for 7.

He has been working in Edinburgh for 2 years (flies back every Friday) as he is a consultant. We live in Essex.

He rang me and told me he had met someone else, and was not coming home again. She is 35, has 2 kids, and he has been seeing her for a year.

He said he didn?t want to talk to me anymore at all ? all communication must be via email.

He also said he hasn?t loved me for years ? not even when we got married ? he just ?went along with it?. He says he loves me like a sister. He never sais anything was wrong. But he would ring me 3 times a day and tell me that he loved me. I had noticed he had been a bit distant, but thought that was due to tiredness. He was due to be coming home permanently at the end of May.

I have since found he has spent a fortune on his girlfriend, including paying a £9,500 tax bill for her, and over £1,000 on Valentines night.

I don?t work, and haven?t done for a number of years. We were having IVF, when I was discovered to have cancer. My last op was 18 months ago, and I am recovering well. Before that, I was the major earner in the relationship.

He is 49, and I am 48.

He has also taken for £100,000 worth of shared goods from the house, tho he says he will return them if ?the settlement says so?. He left most of his personal stuff. He won?t discuss money or almost anything, and just seems to want to live a life in Scotland and forget about me.

I don?t know what to do, I am so lost. He was my best friend, and I am still so in love with him. I just miss him so much. I just spend all day crying. I just want to stop the pain.

karen

[mrsmciver]

Wondering, It is only now I am starting to think about certain things. I have been with him since I was 15 so I don't know any different to be honest. I used to get very upset with him when he put me down in front of other people, and I usually had to go along with what he said. But I did not think twice about it, was used to it. He used to shout and was angry all the time and my girls were nervous of him, they were not close to him at all. But he did always do his best for them, any problem at school etc, he would help. And he was always generous. Maybe I did not make him happy then? Was it me? Did I not stand up to him enough?

[wonderingagain]

No. No. It's not you.

He put you down in front of other people - when you got upset about this you were hurt. He was hurting you. The question is whether he was choosing to hurt you or not.

[mrsmciver]

Wondering, I do not think he was choosing to hurt me, he just was? He is a very strong minded man. Very opinionated and driven.

I do not know what to think, I go over it all in my head. What if? What if I done that instead of this? However my instincts are very strong, and I know he is up to something. He is not telling any of us anything. He wants all his finances sorted out and finished.

Got rid of wife. Check

Change council tax. Check

Stop direct debits. Check

Will stop doing the garden at weekends. (weird one that, don't get it).Check

[wonderingagain]

So he put you down in front of other people, shouted and got angry so much that his own children were scared of him, you too, according to what your friend witnessed. Have you had a look at the emotional abuse thread - the links on there will help you assess this aspect of your relationship.

The coldness in his manner is consistent with the controlling way in which he dealt with you and the children.

[cjel]

Your post of 21.47 made me feel sick, I thought we shared a husband!!

[mrsmciver]

Yep I have had a look at the thread, and some of it did ring true. But I suppose that is behind me now? He is very cold and wanting to control now. And getting very frustrated with me because I am not going along with what he wants. he has a list of things to do and is wanting them all ticked off.

[mrsmciver]

Cjel, sounds like we can fairly pick them then? These controlling men and their mid life crises. Was yours ex military too?

I wish he was being more honest with me, he says he is, but I do not think so.

[cjel]

no not military just very driven salesman/ turned company director!!
I think I'd give up expecting any honesty and realise that any 'truth' he does tell you probably is to divert you from what he is really doing. Don't trust him an inch!!xx

[captainmummy]

MrsMc - He's getting frustrated because you aren't going along with what he wants? That's a shame - but he is not your DH anymore. He can't control what you do any more than he can control a total stranger.
And that fact that he was EA and controlling is nothing to do with you or your actions. in fact there is evidence that the more we (women/partners) bend over backwards to do what he wants, the more he will be controlling and demanding. He flies off the handle? Do you apologiose profusely and tiptoe around making his life a comfortable as you possibly can? Or do you tell him he is being a childish arse and get on with your life, and leave him to it?
Option 1 is almost designed to make him do it even more. WHo wouldn't?

[mrsmciver]

Hello all, how is everyone today? I am feeling very down, sought some advice, and money wise it is not too good. No monthly income. Am sick with worry, despair and terror. I am not able to work, so god knows what is going to happen to us. Benefits are crap, not entitled to much either.
He has an agenda about something, just do not know what it is yet. I had a text off him saying a work hire car could be getting delivered here and he would be picking it up as he did not want to change addresses yet for things like that so people at work would not "talk". I told him he effing couldn't, don't care who asked questions and to shove it up his chuff!
Then got a text back saying he will get a train for now. I said "Good, now bugger off". Bloody hell what is happening to me??

[Joy5]

I'm feeling down too, was just starting to feel upbeat, then found out yesterday ex seems to have moved in with his gf. Seems the CSA reduce the amount if he moves in to a household where children already live.

Am working every hour i can, but earn £8 an hour, as compared to his 40k+ salary, seems he gets a new family and his existing one become even worse off then before.

Can totally understand ur lack of patience with him!

[mrsmciver]

Cjel, oh I really do not trust him an inch anymore! I never did bend over backwards for him, would get really upset with him when he was nasty, but I was still always wary round him. I do not think I am a walkover, but was not a very aggressive person, would really try and not cause a fight.
But he has got one now.

[mrsmciver]

Joy5 hugs to you. Yep your ex is a total git, taking money away from his own kids so it can then go towards his gf kids? No wonder you are down.

[Joy5]

Thanks mrsmiciver, hes a total git, the papers he did exchange as part of our financial disclosures 2 weeks ago, show when he cancelled our sky contract last november, he took out another sky contract somewhere else. I'm guessing for himself and his gfs kids. told our kids he could not afford it anymore. Hes also spent a lot of money with our local football team, over a thousand pounds in the last 12 months, told our football mad son he couldn't afford his season ticket anymore, guessing the money has been spent on his gfs kids.
Like u i'll not trust him an inch anymore, its our youngest sons birthday in 2 weeks, just hoping he doesnt behave like he did on our middle sons birthday, giving him a card and present two days later.

[cjel]

I know its tempting to give them a fight bit IMHE 'quiet dignity' is the only way to go. I don't mean roll over but go through legal chanels and don't get into a fight. let them trip over themselves and gt in a muddle - they always do they underestimate us!!

[mrsmciver]

I start couselling today! Maybe then I can make sense of things? See a way forward? I am really starting to hate him for what he has done to us. I am beginning to think he wants to keep the family home for himself as that also could be the reluctance to buy a tv, change addresses for works cars etc. Really would not put it past him, he has said he would not see me destitute but he has been such a liar I do not believe a thing he says now. Still only getting about 3 hours sleep a night, my eyes are rolling in my head. So worried about it all.

[echt]

This thread is no longer in response to the OP, but has become a conversation about others' concerns.

[mrsmciver]

It certainly was not meant to be. People just get involved and then carried away with what is happening to them. I hope "sadkaren" is ok.

[Joy5]

Karen You've not posted in a few days, hope ur ok, its still really really early days for you. I think the best thing i've done over the past 18 months, is do nothing and just see what happens, no matter how many threats my ex has made to stop paying the mortgage, to go bankrupt etc up to now he hasn't. Know that may change at any time, but i just really wish i'd have known nothing would have happened during that 18 months, rather then obsessively worrying about it.

Hope ur ok, and if its not an actual problem today that you can try and sort, then just concentrate on getting through today, and whats most important today. xx

[mrsmciver]

That sounds like good advice joy. Yes I do hope you are ok karen and that you have lots of support. It is such early days. Remember also to try counselling to see if that helps. And try to get out as much as you can, even if you do not feel like it, accept all offers to get out and about.

[sadkaren2]

Thanks all.

My emotions are just all over the place at the moment.

Half of me still wants him back as I still love him. The other half of me just wants to be rid of him.

I am trying to get him to talk about finances. He is currently offering some money, but not half.

He will have a good standard of living as his mistress works, and owns her own apartment, which she inherited.

I have spoken to a solicitor who basically said that if I am not ready for divorce, then don't start it yet.

one blow is that I noticed he has signed his mistress and her children up to our Avios account (airmiles) and has spent some of them on a foreign holiday.

[captainmummy]

Sadkaren - there will be lotsof 'blows' like that - he's moved on. In his mind he now has a new family, and you are the rather inconvenient baggage he leftbehind.
don't talk to him about finances. He will offer the bare minimum, and actually hand over less than that. Talk to a solicitor, get your maximum due from him. You'e been togetyher a long time - he should respect that. He is going to be as well off (if not more so) than before- he should not be.

You realy need to protect yourself from him. Go through the official channel - otherwise you are open to however much more pain he can throw at you.
MrsMc - how did your counselling go? Hope it was helpful.

[AgathaF]

I agree with captainmummy. You shouldn't be talking to him about finances now - he is not your friend, not does he have your best interests at heart. You need to deal with this side of things at least through the most kick-ass solicitor you can find to ensure you get what you are entitled to.

Try not to get dragged down by the smaller stuff (airmiles). I understand it must hurt, but just see it as evidence that his commitments are elsewhere now, so all the more need to protect yourself financially (or maybe you could get yourself a flight somewhere nice whilst you still have access to the account?).

Your emotions are bound to be all over the place. He has betrayed you massively.

[cjel]

Morning Karen. 'blows' really are aren't they? like a punch, its a good word. It is so hard to start to realise that they have a new life in which we are not included but their plans for their future are skewed and involve keeping every thing they had before and adding to it with what ow has. He has to be made to recognise that he can't have everything he wants and that he does have a responsibility to finishing his old life with you in a decent manner. The only way they will realise is to get solicitors to deal with the financial split. It may be the first time they have to step out of the dream bubble they are in and face the reality of what they've done. My H was suprised that my solicitor hadn't got back to him about the divorce and when I told him that I wasn't going to pay for it an dif he wanted a divorce he could do it he was shocked.2 years on and he hasn't!! I did everything - did up and sold our porperties,organised settlement agreement etc, he hasn't even signed it yet.I'd advise taking control and don't wait for any suprises.get things done so you know whats going on and take control back from him. He can't have it hisown way. Is he even supposed to give away your air miles?

[springykitsch]

I've had a 'bereavement' of sorts in that I have lost my kids (not died) - NC. It is not as acute in one way but in another way it is. I would have to say, though, that it doesn't compare to a real bereavement. It is mad to compare but death is so appalling it just doesn't compare. That is not to say that the pain of being left in this cowardly way is not immensely, unbearably painful. My heart goes out to you.

ime it's been 18 months now and I am beginning to feel more human. I had to write off the first year because I was utterly bereft and unable to function. the one thing I would say is give it time. If you are not ready to deal with eg the divorce then don't until you are stronger.

I also cancelled FB etc and don't go looking for info. It is so painful when you hear things and sets you back so badly. in my case there has been huge betrayal(s) and it takes time to adjust to the immense loss. Time really is a healer imo. I am amazed that I seem to be resurfacing - I never thought I could.

If you are not sleeping, please get on ADs to sort that out. YOu are dealing with trauma and you have to get appropriate support. I also (finally!) have counselling and, although I have been a mess and I don't seem to be getting anywhere particularly concrete, it is having someone in my corner that has been so helpful.