Husband left me after 30 years

[sadkaren2]

I don?t know what to do. Please help.

My husband has just left me. We have been together for over 30 years, married for 7.

He has been working in Edinburgh for 2 years (flies back every Friday) as he is a consultant. We live in Essex.

He rang me and told me he had met someone else, and was not coming home again. She is 35, has 2 kids, and he has been seeing her for a year.

He said he didn?t want to talk to me anymore at all ? all communication must be via email.

He also said he hasn?t loved me for years ? not even when we got married ? he just ?went along with it?. He says he loves me like a sister. He never sais anything was wrong. But he would ring me 3 times a day and tell me that he loved me. I had noticed he had been a bit distant, but thought that was due to tiredness. He was due to be coming home permanently at the end of May.

I have since found he has spent a fortune on his girlfriend, including paying a £9,500 tax bill for her, and over £1,000 on Valentines night.

I don?t work, and haven?t done for a number of years. We were having IVF, when I was discovered to have cancer. My last op was 18 months ago, and I am recovering well. Before that, I was the major earner in the relationship.

He is 49, and I am 48.

He has also taken for £100,000 worth of shared goods from the house, tho he says he will return them if ?the settlement says so?. He left most of his personal stuff. He won?t discuss money or almost anything, and just seems to want to live a life in Scotland and forget about me.

I don?t know what to do, I am so lost. He was my best friend, and I am still so in love with him. I just miss him so much. I just spend all day crying. I just want to stop the pain.

karen

[ElizaDoLots]

So sorry to hear that Ilove - that must be incredibly hard. Thankfully, I have never been through the two things you are comparing, but I think the point is that if someone dies, the person left behind is devastated, but knows that what they had was good/perfect. If someone chooses to 'do the dirty' like this, it must be as though the marriage hadn't existed in the first place, and that person chose to break their heart like this. I don't think either is better/worse - they are entirely different things.

[Ilovegeorgeclooney]

That is my point, it is obviously ghastly but please don't compare. My pain is not less than anyone else's just because he died.

[mrsmciver]

Ilove, I am so sorry. The end result is that either due to an abandonment or a bereavement your partner is no longer there anyway. And the grief is terrible. A friend of mine had a bereavement 18 months ago and it is only now she feels able to think"I can do this". Before that she was bereft, he was her soul mate. My heart goes out to you. Life can be hard to get through at times.

[Joy5]

i just want to say i'm in the same position as you, my ex left me 18 months ago, after over 20 years together, 12 weeks later he magically declared he'd just found another woman. Now hearing from other people it had been going on for months before he left. I'm still struggling, not helped my eldest son died suddenly nearly five years ago, but ex made loads of threats about money, hes missing mortgage payments to pay his legal costs, hes transferred assets and says he not had them on our financial disclosures, still don't know how i prove his lies, although the car he claimed to have scrapped is still on the DVLAs website as being taxed and on the road, so thank goodness for google and the answers it provides. But its not easy and i'd never claim it is to be suddenly left and the life you had to be taken away, leaving one full of worry about money and the future. But theres more to life than money, my ex sees the miminum of our two youngest sons, they know they have one parent they can trust and one they can't. In the past week alone, my ex has cancelled three arangements with our 14 year old son, citing work and going out as being more important than arrangements he only made the day before, my son is learning he can't trust his Dad anymore, or believe anything he says until it happens, but he knows he can trust his Mum, and his Mum is always there and never lets him down. I'm proud to be me, and to have my values, no matter how hard this is, i will come out the other side, a better person and with the love of my two youngest sons.

[cjel]

Ilove, so sorry you have that awful pain. I would say the reason I felt it 'worse' than bereavement was because just as you have to start t heal or see a little light , you get another something happen or see them or something and the pain is fresh and raw again. I have never meant that bereavment pain was less. Just that while they are alive you keep seeing them or talkimg to them and then they leave again. Oh dear I think I better start to stop digging now. Sorry you are in this hurt.x

[mrsmciver]

Joy5, you sound strong and coping well considering what he has and continues to do to you. Sometimes I think we do not know what we have in us until something awful happens. We get that strength from somewhere.

I am still in the early days of 3 weeks yet, feels like it will never heal. But some instinct is telling me that something is off, if that makes sense. He also blamed my reaction when I found the e-mails as being really bad, full of hatred towards him. Yes I was screaming and shouting for a while, but I never attacked him or any of his possesssions. I think I could have done a lot worse considering! He now calls this his "mistake" and my behaviour was so bad he couldn't possibly come home! Oh and my constant negativity was bad too. No matter that I encouraged him to do what needed to be done for his job. I never moaned when he had to work away, never once said to him not to go to football, gymn etc. I practically raised our children alone. Yes I was financially dependent on him but I did everything else.

Really scared now of becoming a bitter old woman who does not get over this. And am only in my forties.

[Joy5]

I'm in my forties too, think its normal to feel bitter at first, but as long as you don't get fixed at that point, and can move on eventually you'll be ok. I just keep trying to see the positive in everything, and i've learnt that my ex will blame me for everything, reading about it on MNs its quite common for the person who ended the marriage to try to rewrite history and blame the one left. Just to make themselves feel better.

[cjel]

Mrs. Had to spend evenings(hospital visiting) with x after I had moved out because of OW and one night on the way back I said quite lightheartidly something he didn't like and straight away he said ' see that would have to change if we were to get back together'!!! I hadn't said anything to lead him to believe I might want him back!! What goes on in their heads?

[cjel]

By the way in my early 50s - this is better than being with him was even if I have tearful times 18months later.

[mrsmciver]

Cjel, Is it better than being with him? I think I need reassurance on that point. Can't imagine him not being here for birthdays, Xmas, family events. I feel slighly hysterical thinking about that. Really cannot see a future. As I said I am not able to work because of health problems. Just see long lonely days ahead. I am going to go for counselling to maybe try to stop my head being muddled and make sense of it all? Right enough I do not think I will ever make sense of it.

[captainmummy]

It's all part of the script - they leave, breaking your heart, shattering your world, causing huge desperation, anger, hurt, screaming, crying....then they say it's because of this behaviour that they could not come back. YOU have (in effect) caused this, by your screaming and crying. They can't come back because you would 'never forgive them'. Therefore it is all your fault, and they are off the hook. They can then tell everyone that it's because you will not have them back after their 'mistake', and they have 'no choice' but to leave (and take up with OW)

Neat, eh?

[cjel]

mrs. Oh yes I can reasure you it really is better. Yes there is always a gap in family times but somehow the other people fill the gaps. I was having counselling when mine all blew up and it is the best thing. I think it is why I have got through it so well. I would advise not to look to the future and worry about all the loss that you may feel. Try and focus on today and what is happening now. Can you enjoy sunshine? have a chat with a friend listen to some radio or tv to distract you for an hour or so. The hardest parts for me were waking and realising it was all true again and evening when the door is shut and they are not there. But please take my positive reassurance that yes you will have whole days and weeks when you will be at peace and actually enjoying your life. How long have you got to wait for the counselling to start?xx

[MumnGran]

I could not agree more with cjel.
It took almost 5 years to get my ex completely out of my head (his voice & tastes when I was in a hardware/furniture store etc) so it is not always a fast process but ....
I spent this weekend mainly in my garden, after a family day on Saturday, and realised I am totally content with my life and, most of all, I love the absolute peace.

Hang in there.

[Joy5]

cjel is right, you will get through the family times, however hard it might be without him. Don't look to the future, just get through each day best as u can, i was struggling so much i had to concentrate one minute at a time, just get through that, then the next minute.
Now 18 months on, i can go a few hours without worry or thinking about him, and i do enjoy life. Ex has not seen his sons this week, was with his gf, but i've been there, had them all to myself, can't ask for more then that. Would not want to spend my time with anyone else if they're around.
We've done birthdays, Christmas and the anniversary of my eldest son's death with my ex no where to be seen. Its his loss, its me my two youngest sons will remember for being there.
I've no idea where we'll be living in a few months, i'll deal with it when it happens. Until then i'll concentrate on getting through today.

[cjel]

Mrs, How you doing today?

[mrsmciver]

Hello everyone! I am not too bad today. I have had a nice lunch with my mum, and my daughter and I then sat outside in the garden in the sunshine. The sun felt nice on my face, and with my lovely daughter sat beside me I actually felt quite at peace.
My lovely friend said a prayer for us and I actually think it helped, I am not religious but there was definitely something....
Now you will all think I am losing it! But I had sent him an e-mail this morning just outlining a few points and the one I got back was so detached and cold and such a different version of events from me. He told me to stop telling my friends and mumsnet about everything as I was keeping everyone entertained! But it is how I am coping. And I am getting such support I would not be here without it. And to be honest If I want to tell people then I will. He does not tell me what to do anymore! This cold detached man with his business texts and e-mails. I have done nothing to be ashamed of.
Cjel, am not sure when counselling will start, hopefully soon. Am going to go private with it, but there is still a waiting list. My parents are paying for it, thank goodness.
Joy5, Captain, Mumn, Cjel. You are all marvellous! Such strong independent women. I really am in awe at you all. Cannot imagine ever being like that, feel so needy right now, am grabbing everyone for cuddles and holding everyones hands! Defo am losing it!

[mrsmciver]

Captian, Yes that sounds like what my ex said to me! He swears there is no affair. Just the e-mails. But am not sure..
And he did say he would not come back because of my reaction and I would never forgive him and make his life hell. The only thing is the ow lives really far away from us and they were only able to meet up on business trips. But something is still niggling me, and I can't put my finger on it. Why would he leave home with noone to go to? He can't cook, he would be sitting on his own night after night, as I know my girls won't go to see him, and he does not drink and also does not have any friends in this area. He would go to the gymn and watch football but that is it. The ow has a husband and children in the north of england, too far away from here. He has also not mentioned what he is going to be doing, just keeps wanting to "press ahead". To what?

[cjel]

thank you for the compliment but I don't feel strong and independant!! I am a christian an praying and spending time 'with god' has been amazing for me!! so I don't think you are losing it (But don't tell anyone here I said that to you:).)

[Joy5]

Hi mrsciver, good to hear you're not too bad today, i'm not religious but its helped me knowing other people have prayed for me. Take all the support you need, from RL friends and on here, if ur ex doesn't like it, its his problem not urs! Thanks for describing me as marvellous etc, you are like us, you've just not realised it yet, you've been doing fantastic until ur ex ended ur marriage, you've just got to get ur bearings and then you'll be back to being strong again. Easy to say, but i know how hard it is coping as a single person and parent, but you'll do because the alternative to walk away like ur ex is just not an option. Some of us stick with our dc no matter what and do our best, others walk away and leave us to it.
My ex was adament there was no one else, but i thought the same as you, why would a man who loved his family walk away to be on his own night after night if there was no one else. Seems there was all along in my case, but hes her problem now! Sending u as many hugs and hand holding as u need. xx

[wonderingagain]

Glad you're getting plenty of support. You are absolutely right, he has no right to tell you what to say or who to talk to. Tell the truth about him to whoever you wish.

[mrsmciver]

Oh I am telling the truth about him to everyone. I am so oversharing right now. I was in a changing room the other day trying on a pair of trousers, and my head is so muddled right now i couldn't decide if they were ok or not. so I asked the assistant who was there(she was about the same age as me), if they were alright, and I started to have a few tears and was telling her what had happened! She gave me a cuddle, said no wonder I was upset, and then this other lady came out of the changing room opposite and started patting me(she must have overheard, I have no shame right now), and this lady was saying to me "he's a shit, he's a shit for doing that to you, with no warning". Hee hee, I really can embarrass myself anywhere right now!

[wonderingagain]

Brilliant! Keep it up. Perhaps set up a website .

[mrsmciver]

Oh and I forgot to say, I was also talking to an old friend on the phone today, they live further away, and last time I saw them was when they were over in the Christmas hols for dinner. And she said to me that her hubby, lets call him Rob, said on the way home, "Is mrsmciver scared of her husband?". And she said he was wondering about that, as he can be really astute. So many people have said to me lately how different I am when he is not around, how I am not wary because of him, and seem so much more relaxed at times and up for a laugh. They have said he was so controlling, I could not be myself when he was there! I think I am starting to realise some things.

[captainmummy]

MrsMc Why would he leave home with noone to go to? - well, if he;s following the script ( and he is, make no mistake) then of course he wouldn't leave without something else to go to. Why would he indeed. And what a cheek telling you what you can and can't do, who you can talk to or not; ha, I'd do it all the more!

Wheres SadKaren? Hope she's ok.

[wonderingagain]

OMG no. Don't tell me he was controlling and abusive as well as a lying adulterer.