I've hired a private detective - stressed out - need a rant

[ivmessedup]

On and off since August I've suspected my DP has been having an affair with a girl at work. We all work in the same building and have dealings with each other from time to time. In August I saw a text on his phone from her. Are u about?

Now, I've been cheated on before and as far as I'm concerned, this only means one thing. Why does she even have his mobile number??

Anyway, I challenged him on the text and he denied it in the strongest terms. I came upon them a couple of times in the staff cafe in the building after that, and sat with them, DP and I telling her about our DD etc. This threw me off the scent.

Fast fwd to 18th April. DP was out Fri before and lost phone. At work spot DP and suspected OW chatting. She walked off when she saw me coming and he was all smiles as if nothing amiss. However, I could see her through a door hovering as if she would come back when I was gone.

I pretended to walk away and, sure enough, back she came. Unfortunately, I turned back to catch them out but she had 't reached the room he was in yet, saw me, said hello in an awkward fashion and walked off in the opposite direction.

So, radar back on, I insist on taking his iPad when I take DD to soft play, so I can spy on txts (mobile data on). Of course he's not that daft. But I do check the contact page. It's open at her name. Not a list with her on it- her only.

Next I check the new phone which in the first week has only 12 contacts cos numbers are lost. Guess who's one of them, and under a false name too!

Happily DP has bought himself a crap phone he can't work and can't navigate to delete everything. Lots of txts to her, all deleted but unbeknownst to him, still showing on the log as sent.

Now, without concrete proof, he'll just deny it and say I'm a nutter so, I've instructed a detective to track him for 2 weeks. The only opportunity he has to be with OW is during work or immediately after (I always leave first to collect DD from nursery).

The tracking starts on 7th May and meantime, tonight I've found another part of the phone which shows the first line or so of deleted texts. "Work hard princess", "stay strong princess" are the two worst ones, the rest are just "coffee, cafe?"

Anyone reading this would be in no doubt, but I can honestly see DP still denying it. So, I need to wait for the PI report . Hoping they can get some photographic evidence.

Only thing is that's almost three whole weeks till I can challenge him! Need some support that's why I'm posting. Very stressful

What will you do if you don't get that grand information that stops him being able to say no, it's all you, you are deranged?

I think you know what you want without spending ££££ on maybe finding a better answer than you already have.

If I don't, my hat's not hung on it, would just be nice to feel indisputably right for once! Regardless, I'm leaving.

Day before yesterday I went to cafe. He was there, she wasn't. I left. He phoned me to check I'd left then txtd her to say coast was clear.

Tonight he has called me a drunk! Until recently, we have drunk wine together regularly during the week. Since Jan he's not been drinking. Funnily enough he told me his ex-wife was a drunk as well! He is setting me up. As someone up post said, persuading himself how bad I am to permit himself to carry on with his affair.

Regardless, I'm leaving

Then spend the money on some fuck-you symbol of that, instead of throwing good money after bad on something that isn't going to help, only confuse

I am friends at work with a very happily married man. We've been friends for 15 years. He always calls me princess, I think it's his age and a regional thing.

That said, he doesn't have loads of texts etc from me that he feels the need to hide, but I personally wouldn't read to much into the use of that phrase.

I don't see the point on spending money on getting proof to confirm what you already know. I would only spend money on a PI if it was to do an asset search. You should be ensuring you have details of all his finances in order that you can ensure he pays maintenance for his dd (assuming it is his dd too and not just yours from a previous marriage).

you sound very capable and you know you want out. i too would save the money. i'd get on with leaving him to it. not give him one clue and just leave saying nothing.
that would feel empowering and rather dignified. he would prob pass out to come home and see all trace removed.

I think the posters saying get rid you don't need the proof are being a bit flippant.

Poor OP's head is telling her one thing- the rational get rid there's no real rational explanation if you don't trust it then there's no point etc but her heart desperately desperately desperately wants to hang onto any shred of hope that he may be telling the truth and there is nothing going on. I suspect she is full of self doubt and anguish.

When you are in such a terrible situation as the op you are living in a daze, I suspect that she feels like she's going mad and probably wakes up at 2 in the morning feeling like she could just go running and never stop for the pain in her heart.(I know I did).

If the PI gets the proof then it confirms that op's not going mad, being paranoid or having trust issues etc. if they don 't then she's no worse of and will just have to make a judgement call on the same facts as she has now but knowing she's explored every avenue.

I think deep down op knows the real answer- so often it's the same pattern. You never checked their phone or email for years but when you do, you find something - the only reason you looked is because they are 'different' and then you realise it down to what you found out about.
You know that person so well and you notice the most subtle of changes. I think Hiring the PI is the op's way of giving her heart one last chance of being right as this ultimately what op wants.

I really feel for you op. reading your posts has bought back a lot of horrible memories and feelings for me.

I hope you get things sorted soon x

OP has said herself she is leaving anyway

We "flippant" posters are just going off what OP has said

don't you believe her, racmun ?

(that is rather an unfair question, so be careful how you answer)

I understand the need to find proof, I've had friends who did this years ago and hired one for a friend years ago too. But as the guy told me at the time and I tried to make my friend understand, they can't provide real proof. They can't supply photos of anything they are doing behind closed doors, or texts. They can just keep a log of when they met, and take photos of them in public places. It's very unlikely to be anything more substantial than what you already know. And then you may just feel deflated that it didn't bring the certainty you wanted, when you could have spent the money on something far more gratifying.
That said, you are sounding feisty and determined so this is good, and I'm certainly rooting for you.

Stay strong op & good luck, whatever happens you know you have to leave this "man"

Today I confided in a trusted work colleague. She says the fact that they are always in the cafe together has been the talk of the steamie for months.

Well you know what, after that I'd chuck him out. It's the only way you can possibly restore your self-respect. Do you really want to be the object of pity from your colleagues for another couple of weeks while you spend more money on information you don't even need?

Or would you rather just take the initiative here and say "enough's enough". Going by his behaviour towards you the in the past few days, I'd say you're well rid and the sooner the better before he gets the chance to upset you even more.

He's probably detected your change of mood and is just trying to cover his back the only way he knows how - trying to get the upper hand by laying all the blame on you.

Don't let him. Just get rid of him. This relationship is over. You're not married, so what's the problem?

He's getting more and more cavalier in his lack of regard for you. Frankly he nasty, inadequate piece of work and you really don't need him in your life.

You'll get no satisfaction from waving a PI report in front of his nose. Far better to chuck his stuff out on the front and tell him to go to his "Princess".

Then change the locks, go to work and act like you don't give a shit.

There's not enough drama in that, it would appear

I think you are doing the right thing OP,to look him in the eye with 100% evidence would make it worth every penny.

100% evidence of what ?

a photo of him and OW sitting in the works cafe, while the other workers gossip and feel sorry for Op ?

she already knows that...her colleague told her

OP don't let yourself be deflected from what you have to do, simply to get some kind of satisfaction or justice.

It doesn't happen that way.

You will get your satisfaction through taking the initiative, and retaining your dignity and self-respect. Not through defending yourself against this onslaught of pointless nit-picking about your smoking and drinking - what next? Your dress sense? Your meal preferences? Your taste in music or TV programmes? The shape of your toenails?

Your justice comes when this "Princess" finds herself lumbered with the nasty old bore that is your ex.

Any evidence that the OP feels she needs.

Yes but she shouldn't feel she needs evidence when he's evidently treating her like shit.

OP, you might feel like you need evidence to do things the "right" way, but you certainly don't need it for permission to get yourself out of a horrible situation.

Ive been through this with a friend. Agree with the poster above that you will not get any more information that is more incriminating - all you will get is dates and times of meetings. On top of that the PI my friend hired turned out to be slightly sleazy and made her pay him more money than was originally agreed. She was so disgusted that she threw the report away unopened.

Please leave him with your head held high. You dont really need the validation of a PI.

I have been in your position op, when i was 7 months pregnant. I was convinced DP was cheating but was being told I was crazy/jealous/hormonal. It was horrible, until with I found some photos of him in bed with OW that she had sent to his brothers email address.
I sat with the computor facing me and asked him one more time if he was having an affair, as he flew into another rage about my 'issues' I slowly turned the screen around to show him. It stopped him in his tracks.
So while I understand that hiring a PI is a costly and maybe not the first choice for some I can completely sympathize with the reasons behind it.

it's all very well to say the pi won't find anything but of course we can't look into the future.

ivmessedup needs to do this for herself.

OP I understand that you want proof. To show him. So that he can't deny it or blame you. But guess what? Even if PI gets photos of them in bed together, he can still deny it if he wants to. Or say you drove him to it. Or say he did it on purpose because he knew he was being followed and if you don't trust him what's the point, etc.

The denial is in his head and to him he is doing nothing wrong. The big 'exposure' might just turn into a rather deflated non event. You are spending all your energy and money on catching him out when, in the long run, it won't make a jot of difference to you. You will move on, he will move on and it will just be money down the drain.

The other thing to think about is this. What if he ends it first. Whilst your PI is still halfway through his investigations, your dp could up and walk. Then you are left with proof you don't need and money wasted.

Do you really want to end it 'because you cheated'? Why not just end it 'because I don't like or respect you anymore'. You don't need any proof for that, just say I don't like the way you treat me, so I'm leaving.

Otherwise, you are implying that, apart from cheating, everything else about him was fine and you want to be with him. Do you really want him to have control over the end of the relationship like that, or do you want to be the one to end it.

Good post fairenuff. Try to disengage from him OP so you can stop hurting and start concentrating your energies on you. At the moment he has three people focusing on him: you, princess and himself. The private investigator brings that to four. Nobody is focused on you or giving you attention. So maybe you could care about you first and him not at all. Spend your money on going to Rome for a fab weekend. FUCK HIM

Everything fairnuff says

Fairenuff speaks a lot of sense.

I've never understood this catch the cheater business. The way I look at it is this - there is no moral obligation to stay in a relationship that you are unhappy in. That goes for both partners.

There is a moral obligation to act considerately and kindly when leaving a relationship you are not happy in (just as there is to be considerate and kind to others in any situation).

If your partner is not considerate and kind to you as he leaves your relationship (and starting another relationship with someone else first, particularly someone you both work with) certainly isn't, then your partner is revealed as a shit anyway and who wants to be with a shit?

Just LTB asap OP. Stop torturing yourself with who is right, who is wrong, who is to blame. He is a shit. You will be much happier without him once you get over the loss of the relationship you thought you had. Onwards to a better life!

How are you going to keep this going for three weeks??

I wouldn't want to waste any more money on him frankly, and what if all you get are a few photos of them having coffee?

I suppose if you are still adamant about a P.I. you could force the issue and make out you have to visit someone who is ill/whatever, stay with family and then see if anything happens - flush them out, so to speak.
Less time waiting and less money spent.

Personally i'd just document everything for him to see and tell him to leave.