I've hired a private detective - stressed out - need a rant

[ivmessedup]

On and off since August I've suspected my DP has been having an affair with a girl at work. We all work in the same building and have dealings with each other from time to time. In August I saw a text on his phone from her. Are u about?

Now, I've been cheated on before and as far as I'm concerned, this only means one thing. Why does she even have his mobile number??

Anyway, I challenged him on the text and he denied it in the strongest terms. I came upon them a couple of times in the staff cafe in the building after that, and sat with them, DP and I telling her about our DD etc. This threw me off the scent.

Fast fwd to 18th April. DP was out Fri before and lost phone. At work spot DP and suspected OW chatting. She walked off when she saw me coming and he was all smiles as if nothing amiss. However, I could see her through a door hovering as if she would come back when I was gone.

I pretended to walk away and, sure enough, back she came. Unfortunately, I turned back to catch them out but she had 't reached the room he was in yet, saw me, said hello in an awkward fashion and walked off in the opposite direction.

So, radar back on, I insist on taking his iPad when I take DD to soft play, so I can spy on txts (mobile data on). Of course he's not that daft. But I do check the contact page. It's open at her name. Not a list with her on it- her only.

Next I check the new phone which in the first week has only 12 contacts cos numbers are lost. Guess who's one of them, and under a false name too!

Happily DP has bought himself a crap phone he can't work and can't navigate to delete everything. Lots of txts to her, all deleted but unbeknownst to him, still showing on the log as sent.

Now, without concrete proof, he'll just deny it and say I'm a nutter so, I've instructed a detective to track him for 2 weeks. The only opportunity he has to be with OW is during work or immediately after (I always leave first to collect DD from nursery).

The tracking starts on 7th May and meantime, tonight I've found another part of the phone which shows the first line or so of deleted texts. "Work hard princess", "stay strong princess" are the two worst ones, the rest are just "coffee, cafe?"

Anyone reading this would be in no doubt, but I can honestly see DP still denying it. So, I need to wait for the PI report . Hoping they can get some photographic evidence.

Only thing is that's almost three whole weeks till I can challenge him! Need some support that's why I'm posting. Very stressful

[Looksgoodingravy]

FWIW I can understand why you have hired a PI.

Regardless of what the PI finds out your dh has already crossed a line, in my opinion.

Deleting texts, saving her number under another name (my dp did this too and he had been cheating) and all the other things you've mentioned as well as your instinct all point to your dh either heading towards having an affair or already having one.

Totally understandable why you feel so stressed atm. Is there anyone in RL you can confide in?

[BriansBrain]

Goodness it must be so stressful at work for you.

[Looksgoodingravy]

I also think in this instance the phone is the key to finding out more ...possibly.

[AnyFucker]

Are you ok, Op ?

[EmilyNugent]

I agree with looksgood

[ivmessedup]

I'm ok AF. At work, can't concentrate. Have avoided the cafe(s), can't face running into them or even her on her own. DP been texting about lies and deceit over smoking today. What a cheek!

He's getting a new phone today which means tonight is the last night to check the day's txts (he'll get an iphone again which he knows inside out). This is probably a good thing, however, to keep me sane. It was just terrible seeing those txts.

I have confided in a friend Looksgood, she is very supportive.

Suspect I'll be back on later to moan about the smoking lecture - feel like smoking 100 fags on my way home to wind him up.

[pickledginger]

If you need to smoke at the moment, do. One thing at a time.

[tribpot]

Since you've committed to the spend on the PI the trouble you've got now is not tipping him off too soon. Hence why you're going to have to keep biting your tongue during the smoking lecture - which could be difficult.

[Beckamaw]

This week, you need to tamper with the football kit.
Remove kit, put in random items: your underwear, vegetables etc.
When he gets in, ask how it went. Watch him unload the bag, then tell him it's time for some honesty.....

[ladyjadie]

It would be awful if his new iphone got put in the wash with his unused football kit

[Fairenuff]

Ok, so he knows that you have been cheated on already and might find it hard to trust again. He had been through the same experience, so he says, so he should be able to empathise.

He knows that you are insecure about his 'friendship' with this woman and yet he makes no attempt to reassure you or help to make the relationship easier for you.

He could be totally open about when and where they meet. He could allow you to see his phone whenever you liked. He could agree not to call her 'princess' or any other term of endearment that he wouldn't use with his male friends.

But he doesn't do any of that. He hides her identity behind a fake name, he deletes messages, he arranges secret meet ups with her and now he is lying to you about football.

You are not being paranoid.

You are not being jealous.

You are perfectly rational and sensible to questions his intentions.

You deserve better than this.

Btw tell him you are going to smoke and you are going to do it openly since you both value honesty and you would appreciate him being honest with you too.

And then do the vegetables in the football kit thing that Beckamaw said. Genius!

[Lweji]

You could also tell him you want to go watch his football practice and notice his reaction.

[AnAirOfHope]

I would not say or do anything and let the PI get evidence.

If pi not starting this week you could ask to go watch him play football just to fuck up their plans.

[lunar1]

I understand why you have got a pi. At least this way you stop driving yourself mad trying to second guess your instincts and can find out one way or the other.

I hope you can get through these few days without tipping him off

[deepfriedsage]

Don't tip him off at all. Sorry you are going through this.

[MummytobeDC2]

Love the vegetables in kit idea

Why don't you PI yourself this Friday? Hop in the car check out his training if you get caught spying say you wanted to surprise him... If he isn't there when he comes home ask how football was then you'd well and truly catch him!!

G.luck x

[kittybiscuits]

The level of his carelessness suggests he feels he is under the radar and getting away with it OP. I think it's a good idea to bite your tongue, act normal, and see what the PI comes up with. There's nothing like hard evidence. I agree his behaviour is a deal breaker anyway, but if he denies all, turns the tables on you and blames you for mistrusting him, this could run and run. This will bring things to a head more decisively. Good luck x

[VitoCorleone]

I also understand why you want to get the PI, if you didnt and you just ended it you'd probably spend a lot of time thinking "what if i got it wrong? What if there was really nothing going on?" finding out for sure rids you of the "what if's"

However, even if nothing physical is going on it does sound like it could be an emotional affair, i think he is crossing a line with this woman anyway, and you really dont trust him at all.

Is this woman single?

[ivmessedup]

Managed to survive the smoking lecture without giving the game away. He says I'm a liar and that he can't trust me.. He was dragging up stuff from the past. From tonight I see the writing on the wall. When I challenge him, he will continue to deny or else if i get photos admit and say I drove him to it. Either way, he will NEVER be contrite, so there will be no way back at all.

Today I contacted financial advisor to get me a mortgage and local auth re school place in area I will move to (DD starts school this year). May have to rent till mortgage settled.

Going to arrange to speak to my mum before DDay so she knows and doesn't get a shock. I've never done that before - always wanted her to think the best and not worry.

I'm still going ahead with the PI though. I want him to know that he has been caught red handed and I want her to know too.vito , you asked if she was single - yes late 20s single, double of his ex-wife. I'm 40, nothign like the ex-wife - wonder which of us will be best placed for future happiness???

[ImperialBlether]

The quicker you get rid, the happier you will be. I, too, understand the PI - the need for third party proof is overwhelming at times. By the way, how the hell did you think you could get away with secret smoking? It's the one thing you can't do!

[Fairenuff]

Oh well done OP. You are right, he may never take responsibility. Best to focus on where you go from here and start building a new life with your dd. I hope your mum is supportive.

[Corygal]

What are you looking for when you get the evidence? Proof that you're not going mad? Under the circs that's quite reasonable. If you're secretly gnawing away for something else, be careful.

Hmmm. Tbh, what you need after being so cruelly hurt is support - I would spend less on the dick and more on a therapist, I really would. You also need some kindness and someone to talk to - can you confide in a friend?

[Uppatreecuppatea]

I agree with someone upthread who suggested that you tell your partner that you have plans to be away with your DC on a certain afternoon. Choose a footie afternoon. Make sure that he knows you'll be away for a few hours. If there is something going on, this will be a good opportunity for them to meet up and you can get your resolution a bit faster.

If you are good with computers, you could also put a keystroke logger on his computer. This will only cause you stress though.

Poor you - I really mean it. The worse thing about being suspicious and telling your partner about it is the lies and deceit - the partner making you feel paranoid and suspicious and fucking with your mind. So unfair.

It sounds to me like the shit will hit the fan. What will you do about work? Are you senior to this woman, to your partner?

Good luck!

[ivmessedup]

Yes, so I've been told imperialblether!!! Tonight funnily enough as the insults were rolling.

thx for pm giveitago I'm on my phone having escaped to bed and can't get reply to send. I'll try from PC tomorrow.

Actually feel a bit better than from today, have done a bit of therapeutic blubbing during the smoking argument, blubbing was nothing to do with that of course but was an opportunity to let it out.

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

The duplicitous nature of some never ceases to amaze me. And am afraid this has rat written all over it. So sorry OP

I too understand your need to obtain absolute clarity and proof. You know in your heart what you have to do though, glad to hear you have been taking early steps

All the best