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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've hired a private detective - stressed out - need a rant

164 replies

ivmessedup · 01/05/2013 06:34

On and off since August I've suspected my DP has been having an affair with a girl at work. We all work in the same building and have dealings with each other from time to time. In August I saw a text on his phone from her. Are u about?

Now, I've been cheated on before and as far as I'm concerned, this only means one thing. Why does she even have his mobile number??

Anyway, I challenged him on the text and he denied it in the strongest terms. I came upon them a couple of times in the staff cafe in the building after that, and sat with them, DP and I telling her about our DD etc. This threw me off the scent.

Fast fwd to 18th April. DP was out Fri before and lost phone. At work spot DP and suspected OW chatting. She walked off when she saw me coming and he was all smiles as if nothing amiss. However, I could see her through a door hovering as if she would come back when I was gone.

I pretended to walk away and, sure enough, back she came. Unfortunately, I turned back to catch them out but she had 't reached the room he was in yet, saw me, said hello in an awkward fashion and walked off in the opposite direction.

So, radar back on, I insist on taking his iPad when I take DD to soft play, so I can spy on txts (mobile data on). Of course he's not that daft. But I do check the contact page. It's open at her name. Not a list with her on it- her only.

Next I check the new phone which in the first week has only 12 contacts cos numbers are lost. Guess who's one of them, and under a false name too!

Happily DP has bought himself a crap phone he can't work and can't navigate to delete everything. Lots of txts to her, all deleted but unbeknownst to him, still showing on the log as sent.

Now, without concrete proof, he'll just deny it and say I'm a nutter so, I've instructed a detective to track him for 2 weeks. The only opportunity he has to be with OW is during work or immediately after (I always leave first to collect DD from nursery).

The tracking starts on 7th May and meantime, tonight I've found another part of the phone which shows the first line or so of deleted texts. "Work hard princess", "stay strong princess" are the two worst ones, the rest are just "coffee, cafe?"

Anyone reading this would be in no doubt, but I can honestly see DP still denying it. So, I need to wait for the PI report . Hoping they can get some photographic evidence.

Only thing is that's almost three whole weeks till I can challenge him! Need some support that's why I'm posting. Very stressful Sad

OP posts:
BriansBrain · 01/05/2013 22:10

His rant is just away to relieve the pressure of his own guilt, finding a way to blame you and make it all your fault.

I understand the needing for knowing all but does it really matter now and it it worth the money, can you think of a better way to spend it on yourself instead of on confirming he isn't worth your life?

Original poster
ivmessedup · 01/05/2013 22:14

Thanks for messages. I've confided in a friend and work will be fine. I can avoid them both and colleagues will work out who's in the wrong, no doubt they all have already.........

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 01/05/2013 22:27

Yes, it may well be quite obvious to others and you will be the last to know. Well, actually, you won't because you know already and you are quietly getting on, making plans. Get as much support around you as you can from friends and family. They will be invaluable as you go through this process.

tribpot · 01/05/2013 22:27

It is usually painfully obvious when work colleagues are having an affair, despite their smug belief that they have covered their tracks well. Once you have concluded PI activities (with or without proof) I would blow the lid on them at work and see how many stories come out of the woodwork.

simplesusan · 01/05/2013 22:32

Just sending you my support.

Remember you haven't done anything wrong.

olgaga · 01/05/2013 22:45

OP I think you'd be better off making plans to start afresh - whether or not they get anything on your DP.

You'll end up thoroughly miserable carrying on living like this.

Make sure you've got the finances sorted before it all gets nasty. I'd start looking for my next career move too!

olgaga · 01/05/2013 22:54

X posted - this thread has moved fast while I was weighing up whether or not to add something snarly about people who have accused you of being "jealous" OP!

Feel for you, what a horrible situation. The fact that he has had this rant at you about the smoking the way he has - that says it all to me.

He's feeling guilty.

eatmydust · 01/05/2013 23:06

Just posting to add my support as well.

I can understand why you want to use a PI - you do whatever you need to for closure - he is just going to lie.

Know it's considered unmumsnetty to slag off the OW -but what a hardfaced bitch to sit there and talk to you and your DP about your DD whilst she secretly meets up with him. Yes, you will have the better life going forward.

Longdistance · 02/05/2013 06:13

Hmm just by you saying hat his exw cheated on him, I'm now a little suspicious, as in are you sure he wasn't the unfaithful one in the relationship? And he's told you a load of porkies....

I think you've done the right thing in hiring a PI, as it seems very in your face, and right under your nose too. Very deceitful.

Tortoiseontheeggshell · 02/05/2013 06:25

Classic projection there, the trust thing, isn't it? I mean him calling you a liar and 'it's the trust...'. And it's also part of the script to find as much fault with your current partner as possible, if you're having (or about to have) an affair, so he's just too predictable for words.

My sympathies, OP. You're doing very well, it seems, well done for telling your friends and mum. Sunlight is a good disinfectant, and all that.

Planetofthedrapes · 02/05/2013 09:06

It all boils down to respect.....and I don't think your DP is showing any for you.

I'd save your money for your new tosser-free life without him!

Squitten · 02/05/2013 09:36

Well done to you OP for realising that your relationship has no future, proof from the PI or not. Hilarious that he has grasped the one thing he can beat you with (the smoking) so he has something to counter his own guilty conscience!

Good luck with moving forward!

Original poster
ivmessedup · 02/05/2013 17:45

Today I confided in a trusted work colleague. She says the fact that they are always in the cafe together has been the talk of the steamie for months. I am senior to her ao she was worried about telling me. She has agreed to update me on any gossip she hears.

Today has been good. I have been reflecting on all the shit I've been putting up with from him. I have admitted to myself that things have really not been good for about 2 years.

As with everything in life, sometimes you need a catalyst to wake you up and smell the coffee. Leaving by June, biding my time for the PI report. I really just want to be able to challenge him in a way he can't turn around as my fault. That will give me a lot of satisfaction.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 02/05/2013 18:41

OP - so sorry about that, but noone has an affair at work without collegues finding out about it, they always think they are being terribly discreet, but usually it's known by others (usually either reception or kitchen staff, they tend to know everything ).

don't rush anything, get your house in order and then end it.

Branleuse · 02/05/2013 18:59

im really sorry OP. Stay strong. We are here for you, and ive glad youve got friends you can confide in x

MummytobeDC2 · 02/05/2013 19:07

OP hope your ok!! WineThanksThanksThanks

AnyFucker · 02/05/2013 20:17

I don't know how you can look him in the face whilst knowing his actions are the talk of the workplace

No one, but no one, should put you in that position

Have you no pride at all ? The PI won't tell you anything you don't already know.

claudedebussy · 02/05/2013 20:27

i'm glad you're making plans for your future and it doesn't include fw.

i do understand your need for closure. imo you can trust your gut you know. he's a shit.

Original poster
ivmessedup · 02/05/2013 21:12

AF don't misunderstand. I have my pride. Actually, I welcome they all know, I will recover any respect lost at work by my actions next. He has been berating me this week over lies and deceit. Wot a laugh! He has called me desperate and pathetic. Ha ha I will have the last laugh here and no mistake. EVERYONE will know I'm no pushover and he will remember that this was ALWAYS a deal breaker for me.

Have noted interest in a house and mortgage in the pipeline. Escape is imminent.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/05/2013 21:18

I don't agree, love

You are pinning your hopes on the PI finding him en flagrante with this woman

It's not going to happen

But still you will stand by while he continues with his low level disrespect of you

you are seeking out the grand drama, and the explosive denouement

it won't happen

this time next month, the PI will tell you "he went to work, he had coffee with ow, they sneaked about a bit, he sent a few texts"

you already know that

it won't tell you anything you don't already know

betterthanever · 02/05/2013 21:18

Well done OP, you are remaining so composed and strong and will have closure.
If the PI gets photos maybe you could get into work early one day and put them all over their desks and just say nothing????

snowmummy · 02/05/2013 21:31

I'm thinking 'why bother?'. If you are that suspicious and untrusting of him and you believe that he would lie unless concrete proof was put in front of him, then I don't see the point of this relationship. There are clearly trust issues. No trust, no relationship.

Original poster
ivmessedup · 02/05/2013 21:39

AF you're right, I am looking for the denouement, but if I don't get it, c'est la vie. Still want it though! Can hang in in here for 2 weeks - he's ignoring me anyway over lies and deceit.........

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/05/2013 21:53

what is you don't get it ?

AnyFucker · 02/05/2013 21:53

if

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