Has anyone been left by their (Ex)H, to bring up their DCs alone, and actually years later realised they are glad that he went?

[LineRunner]

That's it really.

After a couple of years on MN, I am realising that he might have done me a favour.

He was different towards me after we got married. (DD was just a few months old.) He encouraged me to drop my career. He had at least two affairs, one when I was 7 months pregnant with DS who was born prematurely. ExH is a fucking knob.

He told me he was leaving me as he was sitting on the sofa, and I said 'Pack a bag and go.' He did and has behaved ever since like I threw him out. (He went to OW #2.)

Yet he hates me.

I was meant to beg him to stay, right?

Otherwise I cannot make sense of the ten years of utter hatred he has expressed towards me, through at least five girlfriends/partners, that frankly I am now sick of, as the DCs have turned 15 and 17.

But don't confuse 'emotionally available' with 'always upbeat - that is not possible in the real world. You will have days when you are sad,,stressed pissed off.

I don't think it hurts children to see you are human. What I think hurts them is unfairness, relentless sniping and negativity.

I do snap from time to time and shout at my daughter. I do sometimes find it hellishly unfair that I don't get to concentrate on my career, have exciting mini breaks with my new partner and never ever have to worry about affording babysitters...

But I don't blame her for that and I try to,apologise when I snap unfairly. She seems to be growing up with a good level of emotional intelligence and she will also say sorry to me if she gets in a bad mood.

This thread is really good, some very useful comments.

My H left suddenly (he moved out while I was at work - I had no idea) last year. A few days later I discovered I was pregnant and I have just had his baby.

He's been such a bastard of the highest order, that it didn't take me long to feel hugely relieved he'd gone.

His behaviour towards me has been at best erratic, at worse evil. He wants nothing to do with his son, has sent me ridiculous demanding emails about all sorts of crap ('I respectfully request that you, out of courtesy to me, pay this bill herewith,........' type of claptrap), at the same time as completely avoiding my pregnancy.

He is angry with me - at one point he texted me to say I should 'fight' for him. That's what he expected - this for a man who I subsequently found out had got another woman pregnant. When I didn't - I never fought for him and never will - he got angry and arsey with me. I expect him to carry on in this vein, at the same time as spouting to his parents 'She'd never have me back anyway'.

That's right, it's my fault because I wouldn't have him back.

good thread, thanks for the pointer Lou. My XH turned it all around on me, although he left me, it was my decision to file for divorce, thanks to MN, I didn't wait two years, I cracked on with it for UB. In our final conversation about asking him whether he was totally sure it was over, he said - you said that you would never trust me again anyway -

I replied, well if you want to come back, then that is something that we can work on. But no, he suddenly left the marriage, he had secret contact with OW, but it was all my fault because I wouldn't trust him again

As much as I have my emotional ups and downs, life is easier here without XH. The levels of frustration and stress have dropped. There is nobody else to answer to and me and DD 5yo do what we want, when we want. If we want to eat cheese and crackers for tea, then we do.

XH has already dropped access from weekly to EOW, with only a phone call in between if he remembers .

I hope in time, that we will have a much better life without him, as financially, I think that we will be much better off, because of his tendancy to get into debt so easily. It's my fault that he had to pay for mediation and solicitors, while I got it all on legal aid . he expected to walk away and that was that, no expense, no hassle, no nothing.

It is always somebody else's fault, it is never their fault.

It is so reassuring, in a way, to read this and realise that actually there are so many other entirely twattish exHs out there. Makes me feel a little less like this is "all my fault". First exH did about 3.5 years of hell post him moving out, before disappearing off the scene entirely. Not sure what stbxh will be like....I'm nearly 28 weeks pregnant now with his baby. No contact with him at all is working at the moment. I am calling it my "twunt detox", and I am now on day 8. I really, REALLY hope that he doesn't behave like so many exHs do, but I'm not holding my breath! I just hope that he finds it in himself to have some respect for me and his baby in the period after my baby's birth and doesn't take me to court immediately for contact orders, as he has been threatening.

"Yet he hates me."

I'm guessing (in my unprofessional opinion, and personal experience only), that this is because he cannot justify or excuse his own behaviour in any way and perhaps it makes him feel better about himself?

TrickyTreeLou Yeah, using 'herewith' in an email is par for the course. I'm waiting for my twat of an Ex to have a crack at 'notwithstanding.'

SkyeBlue it's as though it is a massive shock to them that they actually have responsibilities, isn't it?

I guess they are able to chuck away the 'moral' responsibilities of having a wife and children, so I think some of them (like my Ex) assume that they can easily chuck away the legal and financial responsibilities as well.

Or hire a barrister for day and have it all taken care of.

Like they think they are actually a fucking morally bankrupt rock star.

I am currently being treated for cancer. I emailed my ex to discuss what might happen if I die - hopefully not statistically likely - and he replied 'if the worst case scenario should eventuate..'

Do they have a handbook? Very Pompous Phrases that make you sound more like Kofi Anan??

Oh Spero.

Or shoud I say, 'In this unfortunate and unforseen laugh/cry scenario...'

Spero what an unfortunate twat of most magnificent proportions your ex most effectively is!! I hope that you make a full recovery.

I'm many years post-giving a shit about my ex. A massive shift in the power dynamic happened when I stopped fretting and trying to second guess what he might do if I did A or B or C. Instead I made choices based on what I wanted or thought was best and, when he tried to threaten me, I just sounded bored and ended the conversation with 'ok' or 'what again' etc.

He was also good at deflecting blame. The police had to be called on him more than once but it was never his fault for being violent . I realised how utterly unreasonable he was when he blamed me for something that had happened to him before I'd even met him.

Ex was also well versed in pompous language - he even lists all his qualifications under his name, even on birthday cards to young DC "Love from Daddy xx, PhD, BSc, blah, blah, other bollocks". The thing is he gave up working (and hid his money) to avoid paying maintenance, so he's been so long out of his field he'll probably never work in it again. So it's all just wankerish attempts to try to bolster his own ego. I laugh at him and get on with my life. It would annoy the hell out of him if he actually realised just how little I think about him. We've had no contact for many years (which helps ).

Had exact same experience, left with two children 5 and 6 months. Had previouslUy had affairs so TBH I was utterly relieved when he went. The year before had been a nightmare, I could do nothing right, he got involved with all sorts of new interests, started to refer to me as 'people like you ....'. Dreadful so glad he went, but of course later it was all my fault and I apparently kicked him out !! We had the whole, I didnt leave the children I only left you (well you left them with me you tosser) years of hideous emails and texts, thats stopped now thankfully. Totally vile. I give him a very wide berth, there will never be friendship there - he has now moved to the middle east. Pays nothing for the children who sadly find him almost as tedious as I do. If I ever get down about it all I just imagine what it would be like with him living here and I instantly feel better. I dont particularly want to understand the behaviour I really dont have the energy or interest - hes gone and hes staying gone.

I do have my pity party moments as I was left to parent two children alone when I did not sign up for that deal but they are great so its been worth it. As hes probably ruined my chances of ever meeting a decent long term partner Im going to need them to keep my company in my solitary old age lol

So the pompous language seems to be part of the script too then. I didn't know that, I thought my ex was unique in that particular area. My STBxH uses excessive punctuation in all his correspondance now (well he did, he's left me alon recently) - there is an abundance of ridiculous commas. It's almost as though he expects me to hear the deep intake of breath with each one so I understand how serious and mature he is.

We should perhaps compile a book of some of these communications. I can smile at them now thankfully, but initially I thought 'What the f**k has this man turned into?'.

They become like strangers the moment they leave.

He lists his qualifications on birthday cards to his children??!?

I think you win.

Thanks for the flowers.

Strangely, I never got any flowers from the ex or even inquiries as to how treatment is going. But when I did ask him to look after our daughter over Easter because I was likely to be feeling ill after chemo, his response was 'it would be very inconvenient'...

What would Kofi Anan do eh?

Can I just start by saying I think this is a lovely thread?

My XP left me for OW.. long, complicated, horrible story. He was an EA bully and by the end I was so beaten down, miserable and basically unable to function (recovering from serious PND among other things) I had a nervous breakdown.

Now, 7 years on I am forever grateful to her. And I mean that most sincerely. My life could not be better :).

Just gone back and seen the last few posts. Spero have some from me too. Good luck with your chemo and I hope you make a full recovery.

I also relate to the pompous emails. My XP seems to communicate exclusively in the wankiest sort of management speak. It used to intimidate me, now I laugh at it.

He uses phrases like "How can we take this project (that would be DS) forward, together?".

Spero yep qualifications on birthday cards. It's to show how clever, therefore superior to me, he is , as were the pseudo-legal pompous writings.

He also employed a 'legal team' for court cases - huge expense and he still lost. It was all an attempt to control and brow beat me. How dare I decide that I'm happy he left.

I love the peace of mind I now have. My home is what it was before I met him - my sanctuary, and not the place I feel least happy.

Spero and some too

Spero from me too.

Your posts on here have been really good and have touched such a nerve with me.

Yes to wanky management speech. I've got a record of all my STBXH's text messages and emails. Read this for classic blame shifting:

?I moved out because I was ashamed of what I did and I knew that you wouldn?t want to be with me anymore when the news came out. What you said on Saturday confirmed this. I miss the old you, but after you saying that you?d never want me back in a million years and that you would have thrown me out the house anyway, I have been proved right, there is no point in trying to make amends.?

Idiot.

Project?!! How can someone call a child a project?!!!!

How can we take his project forward together?

We have a new winner!

Seriously, can't we compile a book in time for the Christmas market?

Thanks again for the flowers, it is very cheering. Ex has never got me anything but he did get my au pair some Turkish delight last month.

She is from Turkey and has helped me look after his daughter for three years now. This is the first acknowledgment or thanks he has ever given her.

I think she was a bit baffled.

That's the way he speaks Lou - isn't it awful? He's just a stupid, pompous fool.

In fairness to him he has so far been a decent father.

Seriously, can't we compile a book in time for the Christmas market?

It would be an instant bestseller!

I bet barristers' chambers already have a bloody good collection of instructions from pompous clients-who-think-they-are-Kofi-Annan-but-are-actually-just-twats.

I can imagine my Ex thinking he's suddenly Judge John Deed because he's paying £200 an hour to a junior barrister to describe his own children like programme management variables.

I think my ex does it because he thinks it makes him sound clever (massive ego) and also because he doesn't really know how to talk to people.