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Original poster

Has anyone been left by their (Ex)H, to bring up their DCs alone, and actually years later realised they are glad that he went?

250 replies

LineRunner · 30/04/2013 21:26

That's it really.

After a couple of years on MN, I am realising that he might have done me a favour.

He was different towards me after we got married. (DD was just a few months old.) He encouraged me to drop my career. He had at least two affairs, one when I was 7 months pregnant with DS who was born prematurely. ExH is a fucking knob.

He told me he was leaving me as he was sitting on the sofa, and I said 'Pack a bag and go.' He did and has behaved ever since like I threw him out. (He went to OW #2.)

Yet he hates me.

I was meant to beg him to stay, right?

Otherwise I cannot make sense of the ten years of utter hatred he has expressed towards me, through at least five girlfriends/partners, that frankly I am now sick of, as the DCs have turned 15 and 17.

OP posts:
Original poster
LineRunner · 09/05/2013 17:46

sarahseashell Thank you so much for posting. Is it recognised, do you know - 'last day' sex and the trauma it can leave behind?

To be honest I still feel fucking violated.

OP posts:
Spero · 09/05/2013 17:49

Again, I think the 'last sex' scenario just underscores their utter selfishness and self absorption, with no thought for you. They fancy sex, you are available. I think it is as simple as that for them.

Original poster
LineRunner · 09/05/2013 17:51

Spero It's hard one to process. But I'm glad I'm finally 'talking' about it.

OP posts:
Spero · 09/05/2013 17:56

My ex had sex with me in the awful period of had we split up, I am not really sure because he wouldn't talk about anything. So in the end I just had to proceed on basis that we were splitting up and his silence indicated consent.

So god knows what he thought that was all about. I agree, it is an utterly vile and dishonest thing to do in the circs of a relationship ending or about to end - but they don't see it like that. They dont think they are doing anything wrong. It is just a further example of their behaviour all through the relationship.

Only their feelings are real, only their needs deserve to be met. If they are nice to us, it is only to serve their own aims. Once we come to them with problems or a need to be supported, they get angry and irritated.

I don't know if men like this are born or made, but there seem to be sadly a lot of them about.

sarahseashell · 09/05/2013 17:57

thanks linerunner no I didn't know that I know what you mean, maybe good to air it. With mine I think it was quite calculating 'last time' on his part - that there was an element of power trip to it, he knew it'd be the last time and I didn't know what was going on at all. I completely agree about feeling violated Sad

I have met a couple of lovely people since and feel quite 'healed' by that but I will never forget it completely, it is one of my worst memories about the whole thing

Original poster
LineRunner · 09/05/2013 18:07

I wish I had learned a lot sooner that that kind of personality didn't signify 'strength'.

OP posts:
Original poster
LineRunner · 09/05/2013 18:09

Sorry that was to Spero.

sarah God, isn't it awful to think it was calculated?

OP posts:
sarahseashell · 09/05/2013 18:11

spero yes I agree. Sad does seem to be a 'type'
Linerunner yes I think that's just what can happen if you're young and perhaps not had great male role models ?

One plus is that we'd hopefully all run a mile from that 'type' in future

sarahseashell · 09/05/2013 18:13

linerunner thanks yes it is. I guess we can never be sure but in my case I certainly have reason to think so. Shitty treatment all round. Makes the aftermath nastiness all the more Shock
It is a dislike of women, at root of it I think (in mine's case)

Spero · 09/05/2013 18:15

for the worst type there must be an element of calculation.

It is horrible to think of, but the blame is all theirs. I am not going to blame myself for wanting a family and someone to love and ignoring all the warning signs for too long. That was foolish, but everything I did I did out of love and hope.

Everthing he did he did out of selfishness and laziness.

Spero · 09/05/2013 18:18

On the dislike of women being the root, I think that is very interesting.

My ex had a horrible relationship with his mother who did seem on his account to be very uncaring and emotionally manipulative. He once said to me 'there's no point you crying all the time as I grew up with that, I couldn't do anything to help then and I can't now'.

Annoyingly, I was suckered in for so long out of sympathy for his stories of his awful childhood. I was going to make it all better! All he needed was the love of a good woman!

I think it makes sense to look carefully at how the man in your life treats his mother and what kind of relationship they have.

Original poster
LineRunner · 09/05/2013 18:29

I'd rather be single for ever than go through that again.

OP posts:
Spero · 09/05/2013 18:31

For me, part of the problem was that I didn't want to be single. I thought it made me a failure.

I wish I could go back to myself and point out what rubbish that was. A good relationship is great of course, but a bad one poisons all your life.

But maybe that is a lesson you can only learn with time.

Original poster
LineRunner · 09/05/2013 18:32

Oh, and I'll bet that the OW weren't told about the 'last day sex'. More like, 'She won't show me any affection; we haven't touched each other for years.'

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Spero · 09/05/2013 18:39

O yes! another one to add to THE LIST -what do they say about their exes?

I was told she was a horrible nasty woman who messed him about. He showed me emails from her which were pretty horrible but with hindsight she had probably just been through the same stuff as me.

I later found out he was sending MY angry emails to others in order to show what a totally unreasonable and unpleasant person I was - completely editing out the email from him which had prompted my less than measured and courteous response...

Original poster
LineRunner · 09/05/2013 18:48

I don't communicate with my ExH at all now unless absolutely necessary and if I can keep it one word I will.

e.g.

Him: 'There will be no more money from me.'

Me: [sighing] 'Fine.'

It's the only way.

OP posts:
Spero · 09/05/2013 18:56

You are right. He still pushes my buttons. I have decided to have no further contact at all now - he emails my au pair to agree contact times.

the final straw was when he said he was working in Europe from Jan to March this year and he would like to see dd twice a month. I was very pleased about this as I knew she was thrilled.

Then I told him about my cancer diagnosis and asked if he could arrange the weekends around chemo when I was likely to be feeling ill.

His reponse was now he was only coming once a month as he had suddenly realised that it was expensive to travel and our daughter 'wouldn't mind'.

So I emailed back to say he was a cunt and that was that.

I bet that email got circulated.

Original poster
LineRunner · 09/05/2013 19:04

He's probably circulating it to people who think he's a cunt anyway, and who are quite amused by it.

Even my DS thinks his dad's a knob, and that is seriously not my doing.

OP posts:
OldRichandGrateful · 09/05/2013 19:29

Is it wrong to be secretly pleased when your DS or DD finds out for themselves what tossers their DFs are?

I tried very hard not to influence the relationship between Ex and DS. I thought I would be neutral.

DS received a £10 postal order in a "Happy 12th Birthday card (DS was 13!) from Ex (who was pretending he didn't have a bank account).

Being 13, DS didn't immediately email DF back with a thank you. Cue ranty email from DF - " you are an ungrateful little bastard and I'm glad I left you with your bitch of a Mother" - to which DS turned and said "he really is a tosser isn't he Mum". Yes he is son, he is.

I hope you all don't think I'm doing competitive Ex stories! I'm finding it quite healing to write it all down.

Original poster
LineRunner · 09/05/2013 19:37

Yep, my DS has had the 'You are a horrble little shit' rants as well. What possesses men to talk to their own young sons like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
LineRunner · 09/05/2013 19:41

Actually, I think I can answer that. These men can't bear being scrutinised, can they? Not in anything but massively glowing terms, anyway.

They will even lash out at their own children if they don't bow down and worship.

Poor DCs. Yes, I think it is good to be pleased that they are wise to this dreadful attitude and behaviour, so they are less likely to repeat it in their futures.

OP posts:
fengirl1 · 09/05/2013 19:47

It has made me so sad to read many of the posts here.... The shame, the being left to cope when really you can't (with illness or otherwise), spending on whatever they want but being dead tight when it comes to you.... No wonder I'm still terrified of ever having another relationship, as much as l'd love to have someone who cares for me, makes me feel special and mostly just give me a cuddle when I need it. Hmm

GeetTallBird · 09/05/2013 20:15

What a great thread! Have just sat here reading and grinning and nodding. My stbxh is very good at KA statements, none as good as on here though. He says them in real life, I haven't got any interesting texts to share sadly.
Spero hope you are feeling okay x

Original poster
LineRunner · 09/05/2013 20:17

Just to add to that, Spero, hope you are doing ok today Flowers

OP posts:
themidwife · 09/05/2013 20:19

My DCs have discovered for themselves. The old Christmas card DD received for her birthday with a flimsy polystyrene market stall toy helmet (I bought her a bike) all because I dared to ask for a particular item for her birthday, the trying to convince the DCs I am a thief because after all his debts were paid there was only £1000 cash left for him from his half of the proceeds of sale of the house (& that was being generous - his debts alone were £19k out of a pot of £35 leaving me with a £15k deposit on a little house! The telling the kids I am like a stray cat who breeds to get money out of men (I've always worked & paid the bills with minimal or no maintenance for years) etc etc. They do learn for themselves eventually.

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