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Original poster

Has anyone been left by their (Ex)H, to bring up their DCs alone, and actually years later realised they are glad that he went?

250 replies

LineRunner · 30/04/2013 21:26

That's it really.

After a couple of years on MN, I am realising that he might have done me a favour.

He was different towards me after we got married. (DD was just a few months old.) He encouraged me to drop my career. He had at least two affairs, one when I was 7 months pregnant with DS who was born prematurely. ExH is a fucking knob.

He told me he was leaving me as he was sitting on the sofa, and I said 'Pack a bag and go.' He did and has behaved ever since like I threw him out. (He went to OW #2.)

Yet he hates me.

I was meant to beg him to stay, right?

Otherwise I cannot make sense of the ten years of utter hatred he has expressed towards me, through at least five girlfriends/partners, that frankly I am now sick of, as the DCs have turned 15 and 17.

OP posts:
olgaga · 02/05/2013 14:39

Yes she's fine - I do admire her, she's had a terrible time but is so happy now to be moving on finally.

I think it infuriates him that she ignores all the emotional one-upmanship and only ever communicates about factual/practical arrangements.

We've given up hoping he'll get over himself - but she is certainly over him, to the point where she feels the OW has actually done her a favour despite all the difficulty.

I think that's the worst thing for these men, they can't understand how their exw's are able to forge ahead without them.

Shinigami · 02/05/2013 14:51

Vanity recordings?!

He probably thought when he left you everything would fall into place for him. He'd get a recording contract, loads of pg 3 stunners dangling off hi knob etc ... You know because he's so awesome [hmmm]

You are better of without him!

Original poster
LineRunner · 02/05/2013 15:34

I do think he thought the OW was a bit of a stunna. But he left her after two years.

OP posts:
Spero · 02/05/2013 16:42

Whitesugar that made me larf. Please tell me you are a novelist as I think he would make a brilliant character.

Original poster
LineRunner · 02/05/2013 19:03

Spero he would, wouldn't he? The very definition of protanganist.

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Original poster
LineRunner · 02/05/2013 19:03

or even protaganist. Grin

OP posts:
Joy5 · 02/05/2013 21:17

Spero, thats the mose sensible explanation i've heard to describe my ex's anger towards me for almost two years now, his anger towards me is so extreme, but then so is his behaviour towards me.

Linerunner, after nearly two years of anger from my ex, i no longer see him he waits in the car to collect our sons (when he can be bothered enough to see them), i keep thinking it has to stop soon, but you're 8 years further on then me, and still putting up with it. Think its much healthier to move on with no anger or bitterness, otherwise it will take over the rest of your life. Thats our reward, to move on and be happy, unlike our ex's who will stay so angry and bitter for the rest of their lives.

Original poster
LineRunner · 03/05/2013 00:17

Joy5 I rather imagine my Ex is at the extreme end of twattery. I do regret letting him control my life through our DCs for so long afer he left, though.

OP posts:
legomom · 03/05/2013 00:48

My xp still of course blames me for everything almost 14 yrs later. On one memorable ocassion he told me he no longer wanted contact with ds during the week (he 'd already stopped seeing ds at wkends due to new gf) as 'it ' was interfering with his social life Angry. When I asked WTF do you want me to do then His answer was " I dunno you should have thought of that before splitting up with me!!" and "just put him up for adoption " was another suggestion and if I dared comment I was yet again to shoulder the blame.
He now ignores ds 17 except for a once yearly woe is me birthday card!! Which again you've guessed it my fault for splitting up in 1st place Angry Angry

Original poster
LineRunner · 03/05/2013 16:10

legomom, same old story, isn't it? You, by being a good mum, allow the Ex to be a crap dad. We are really caught betwen a rock and hard place. And these Exes exploit this with ridiculous threats and statements like 'just put him up for adoption'.

What kind of men exploit a mother's love for their child to get an emotional kick?

OP posts:
LaQueen · 03/05/2013 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LastTangoInDevonshire · 03/05/2013 17:59

I don't know about realising YEARS later........I heaved a sigh of relief the moment the man and van drove up the road and out of my life!

Spero · 03/05/2013 18:00

Ha ha Swindon!

The mills of god grind slowly, but they grind exceeding small.

themidwife · 03/05/2013 18:09

Same here, my ex was emotionally, physically, sexually & financially abusive towards me while pregnant. After the baby was born I got my gumption back & fought back. He filed for divorce on fictitious grounds when the baby was 6 weeks old & I didn't contest but he wouldn't leave & the abuse continued. The courts made him leave when she was 6 months old after the decree nisi & he begged me to "make the divorce stop". I refused & started a new happy life. He has hated me ever since. That was over 9 years ago. He has had numerous GFs over the years who have clearly been told some crap about me judging by the look on their faces when I meet them.

I just smile & ignore. Smile & ignore.
You know the truth & so does he deep deep down but can't admit it to himself or anyone else.

themidwife · 03/05/2013 18:15

Btw Line - are you sure we weren't married to the same man?! He also took me to court for a contact order he has never stuck to & applied for a penal order (me to be sent to prison) when DD was away with me at a wedding on his contact weekend even though I offered an alternative. The judge wiped the floor with him & awarded costs which fuelled his hatred. I also got those texts & emails for years. I ignored them all. Changed email address. Deleted texts unread. Destroyed letters unopened. The police had a word about harassment & made him stop. I've been married to someone else for almost 5 years!!

LaQueen · 03/05/2013 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LineRunner · 03/05/2013 18:34

LaQueen My Ex didn't end up in the equivalent of a bedsit in Swindon (more's the pity) but lives pretty well - but only because he's poncing off his current girlfriend who sold her own house to put the deposit down on 'his' new home.

Apart from that - very similar story, especially about him always, always wanting me to feel like the guilty one.

OP posts:
Original poster
LineRunner · 03/05/2013 18:41

LastTango do you have DCs, do you mind me asking?

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Original poster
LineRunner · 03/05/2013 18:43

In general, I suppose I am wondering how it 'works' in DC's heads to think of your own dad (whom you do love) as a bit of a twat?

I have always assumed that it must be really head-fucking. (Personal experience.)

My own DD is 17 and says she doesn't like being 'caught in the middle' but as I don't want anything at all to do with the bloody man including ever talking or thinking about him, I don't really see what she feels she is in the middle of, other than him moaning on about me every time she sees him. And I think she is old enough to tell him where to stick his opinions.

OP posts:
Spero · 03/05/2013 19:33

It's quite possible to love someone and a the same time think they are a twat or annoying etc.

I think it is only harmful when the parent is really obnoxious or cruel to the child. Then I bet you must feel worried that something is 'wrong' with you - either you share DNA with someone really vile or you are not worth loving if they reject you.

And having one decent, emotionally available parent must be huge protective factor.

macthecatsmum · 03/05/2013 20:58

My sis did-after 20 years of emotional abuse. Luckily her kids-then 17 and 16 told her to pack her bags or they would do it for her. DN, after being thumped regularly, stood up, and BIL realised that he was a foot taller than him-backed down sharp. Financially they struggled, but she eventually got the house and he FO to the other side of the country. Now he has a dicky ticker and no one to care for him. Karma.

legomom · 03/05/2013 23:43

I've struggled to be a good mom thru years of crap emotional blackmail, even my ds 's learning difficulties were blamed on me. Felt like i was being ground down at every opportunity. But it was still me who brought ds to all his appointments and still me who fought for a proper diagnosis of Aspergers for ds.

The very short time i was in a 'relationship with exp i was not allowed to spilt up with him. I was to do as told and not break up the happy family (his words) so happy in fact i had no freedoms and was made feel totally useless if i hadnt made his lunch for work /picked up his shit/ cleaned his work clothes in bath (had no washing machine) while caring singlehandedly with a newborn and home.
I was basically a slave while he played video games when not working.

Ds still feels lost and has so many unanswered questions.

But im so glad to be free still feels so hard to talk about it tho 3 awful years together and then 14 yrs later i still gets knots in my stomach at the sight of his yearly rant /birthday card

Original poster
LineRunner · 04/05/2013 11:56

Spero I do agree with you that "And having one decent, emotionally available parent must be huge protective factor".

Trouble is, I think that lone mothers like me (and like legomom) with the twatty Exes try so hard to compensate for the fact that the other parent is a guilt-trippy self-centred manchild that we end up exhausted and always feeling somehow on the backfoot. And perversely that's not good for the DCs.

So I am very grateful for the advice and support on here about changing my thinking.

themidwife My Ex got en expensive barrister who made sure he didn't open his mouth throughout the whole hearing! The barrister saw me privately, and was lovely to me. Speaks volumes, doesn't it? He refused to stick to the (unopposed!) contact order within a month of obtaining it, and having spent thousands on the barrister. Twat.

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Original poster
LineRunner · 04/05/2013 11:59

macthecat I do hope that one day my DCs feel able to stand up to their guilt-trippy father. His latest feat of EA is to tell them that paying child support is ruining his plans to get married again.

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themidwife · 04/05/2013 12:24

Yes same here line. My ex's solicitor sent a junior solicitor to the penal notice hearing who was mortified & told my solicitor afterwards how traumatic it was for her to be sent to do something she disagreed with. She came over to me too & said she was glad it all turned out well. He just stormed off with a £4k bill in his hand.