Lumbered with OM

[kenickielovesrizzo]

Just wondered if this ever happened to anyone. Me and OM mutually split a while back (though I cared deeply for him but he is married with children). Then he calls to say he wants to talk to his wife and wants to reveal all/separate etc. At that point I think it hit me - I could never trust him/would not want to inflict any hurt on wife/children/he is selfish/self obsessed/boring. I have told him not to be so ridiculous and to pull out all the stops to save his marriage since he has children. Up until now I thought I would be ecstatic if he left his wife but this has been a MASS reality check. Glad I had the wake up call, but really hoping he doesn't carry out his plan and I end up lumbered with OM.

If she had posted about any of those things, fromparistoberlin they would have been factors in the replies.

Instead, she took a tacky, gleeful drafting style in OP, and did not bring in any additional background. I do not see the need to invent it for her.

I'm struggling to believe this post is genuine tbh (awaits deleting)

It would be a bit like an burglar saying they'd attacked and hurt a family during armed robbery and now they can't sell the TV so might have to keep it and its not their choice of TV. So they might return it...and hope this family isn't hurt anymore.

Advice:
You don't have to keep the TV but please don't return it because the family would be better off with another one and no further contact from you

NotTreading -its the flippant tone of her OP that is getting us riled

I know her OP was off-kilter Choc, but she has been apologising for that for the past 5 pages.

Nottreeadin I do feel sorry for the OP and think that more than a few posters are very heavy handed with their vitriol but, on here, I always presume they are on here as they have an agenda/ been wronged. In RL, my friends aren't quite so into a public burning on this issue. Nor are they bring out the bunting either but just abit more considered ingeneral.

The internet screen can bring out the best and worst in people.

Her op is a massive kick in the teeth to any wife, really.

Not only has she shagged the married man, he wants to leave his family for her, and op portrays herself as the only person to want to fight for his marriage - so that she does not end up with a cheating nob. Nice! There is not really any comeback, or any mitigating circumstances to that.

I haven't been "wronged" (not in this generation, anyway)

Assuming posters who don't give OW an easy ride have "issues/an agenda" is a very lazy generalisation.

"Instead, she took a tacky, gleeful drafting style in OP,

Yes. and then she said sorry, and again, and again.......

but people still kicking her

she may well have fucked up, but as NOTTREADIN says.....anyone who says they are an OW gets crucified

there might be someone out there who is really hurting, so please dont take your vitriol out on her, its rather unkind

Actually, not all OW women get kicked. And some 'regualars' in relationships post with the benefit of their own experience as an OW.

And if you look at this thread you will see it's not a ganging up. It is a set of views of individual posters, but they add up to a similar message: affairs cause misery - and the worst outcome for OP woukd be to fail to learn from it (the whole experience, not the thread, though perhaps it might inspire her to look at it from fresh angles).

And she started by asking if anyone else had wanted to reject a man as soon as he wanted to make a commitment. That is indeed very common, and points to her own emotional unavailability. Now, if she wants a series of FWB because she doesn't want commitment, that's fine. But she does need to think about the impact of affairs, and stick to partners who aren't married/partnered.

There is also the possibility that she has barriers to commitment that she would rather be free from. In which case, she needs to work on them before seeking a relationship. It is really hard to see our own barriers. A bit of straight talking here, showing how dysfunctional her attitudes are to this married man, might just be a spur to change.

He is a cheater, and the only ones I feel sorry for is his betrayed wife and children. He is responsible to them.

OP isn't, but she is responsible to herself. Her tragedy would be if she fails, by closing her eyes to the impact, to learn from experience.

I was just about to post something similar AuntieStella. I was a stupid ow many years ago, about 23 years ago now, in fact. I had zero experience, thought he loved me above all others, arf, and was living in a fantasy world.

I knew he was married, I clinged on. Looking back, I was that supreme cliche-young girl looking for love, believing that what "we" had was worth fighting for.

It wasn't. He'd done it before. No doubt he did it again. I am ashamed of my behaviour.

I hope the op gets out and away, and grows up. She must learn from this experience, and quite frankly, coming on here is part of that. Short sharp shock, nothing wrong with that.

Since Op has left the thread (allegedly) then MN isn't going to help her learn from this experience, nor assist her in making the same mistakes again.

the mistakes are universal, predictable and signpostable.

If you acknowledge your wiring is fucked, and don't take the 'ump when you get called on your awful behaviour.

Playing the "victim" card is one way to ensure you make the same mistakes in the future.

not making the same mistakes again

Oh bugger, I missed that, she's flounced? Ah well....

Kenickie, I too have made a mistake, except I wasn't the ow, he was the om. I was only unfaithful once (no long term affair) and I have completely crucified myself since it happened. I have accepted full responsibility for what happened and refuse to allow my partner to blame things solely on the om, it was totally my fault that I made the wrong decision!

My partner and I are receiving counselling which he is benefitting from (happily). However, the thing stopping us going forward is my guilt and my inability to forgive myself. My partner is very upset about how much I loathe myself and the counsellor has suggested I see her alone as I need to work through my self hatred.

I am not posting because I want a pat on the back for being ashamed and disgusted at my behaviour, more to let you know op, that people do make mistakes and it does not make us inherently evil or sleazy bitches no matter how others judge. I suggest you get counseling to work through why the affair happened, how it has affected you and how to make sure it doesn't happen again.

It is tremendously important to really understand yourself/personality traits/emotional issues so that you learn more about yourself and can move forward.

You do not need to be with the om if he leaves his wife, make that very clear and cut all contact for a clean break.

Good luck.

OP you have been flamed and whilst it is 'understandable' why some have been like they are, please do not assume that everyone feels that way about you.

My H cheated on me several times years before we split, I found out and we tried to work it out. It didnt work in the end, because we werent right for each other, which is why he cheated on me !!

I fully understand how it feels to be cheated on, its horrible, its undescriable pain, but its NOT THE END OF THE WORLD (although it perhaps feels like it at the time) and whatever anyone says about cheaters cheating on their children, THAT I dont agree with for a second. Your cheat on your partner, not on your children.

Nobody here knows what this mans marriage is like. It cant be that great otherwise he wouldnt have cheated.

I acted like a bloody angel when my H cheated on me, as though butter wouldnt melt and it was all his fault. Looking back things werent right and we should have dealt with it differently all round.

I understand cheating from both sides (not going into details with the other side) and its bloody painful from wherever you look at it! being the OW (or the OM) does not make you a bad person and affairs are NOT as sleazy as they are portrayed on here, although I do understand that can make the W feel better to think of it like that.

I do not think you are a bad person OP, I think that you are asking for help. This is a site for relationships and I would say that included the ones that are not 'conventional'

I hope that you come back OP, because I for one will support you.

Dude, the complaint on your OP is like killing your parents and begging the judge for mercy because you're an orphan.

Can't say your flippant style inspires sympathy and I'm not (to my knowledge) a "wronged wife".

Hope you make better choices in the future. Good luck.

A very positive post Hoping, I'm sure op will find it helpful.

I wanted to post and reiterate what other recent posters have said about NOT all OW get crucified on MN. I was an OW who has had two affairs, and have posted about this regularly in the past, and I have never been judged on here.

The reason for that is, IMHO, that I did what Classifiedinformation has done, and went for counselling to understand what I had done and what personality traits I have that led to the choices I made. No one is to blame for my infidelity other than me.

Owning your shit, rather than posting a thread title and OP that doesn't show you in the best light, is bound to bring out the worst in other posters, whether the post is about infidelity or any other subject. I know the OP has apologised for that numerous times, but flouncing off the thread, rather than responding to the good advice that has been given on this thread, will make many posters less than sympathetic to her situation. It also doesn't help other OW who may be lurking and wanting to post for advice, when they see a thread like this that goes tits up because of a poorly thought out opening post.

OP I hope that you have read Classified and Hoping's posts and that they are useful to you.

OP if the man were my formerdp, you'd be welcome to him! He was chronic cheater, it took twice for me to see that but thank the Gods I did!
I never got too mad at the ows because by the second we weren't sleeping together as he refused to get an sti test, and ended up with one! From her I think, so that was nice.

Mine was clean.

I hear you and have mass guilt, don't worry about that. Though I like to think if they don't know they are not hurting but I know how fucked that sounds.

That is the point where the OP lost any fucking credibility at all. I wonder if she has been the OW before?

Why would I have a single shred of sympathy for her whatsoever? I cant believe the sheer cheek of her even looking for it after a post like that.

The problem with flaming people (even if the op isn't worded well) is that you don't know the whole story. What do you know about what is going on in the op's life, or the om's marriage?

Yes, it is wrong to be unfaithful with someone, but life is messy, people make mistakes and generally if they risk a character assassination on here, it probably means they are desperate for help and advice.

No amount of insulting, judging and holier than thou replies will make the situation any better and will certainly not guide the poster in the right direction to get the help they need.

We are all human beings and none of us are perfect for varying reasons, I wish people could remember that.

"I wanted to post and reiterate what other recent posters have said about NOT all OW get crucified on MN"

IMO the OP has had a lot of unnecessary grief on this thread, because she was quite matter of fact about her situation rather than self flagellating herself. But it's hardly as if she is the only OW in the world, statistically there are as many OW as Wronged Wives.

IMO she has seen the error of this relationship, has come to the best conclusion, and there is no reason for OM to arrive on her doorstep, but she needs to make it clear very quickly that this is not an option for him.

Classified

Absolutely perfectly put.

Reading between the lines I think there is a lot more to it than the OP has told us.

I hope that she comes back, because there are a few on here who could really help and I think she needs it.

Have you tried pm'ing her ?