Lumbered with OM

[kenickielovesrizzo]

Just wondered if this ever happened to anyone. Me and OM mutually split a while back (though I cared deeply for him but he is married with children). Then he calls to say he wants to talk to his wife and wants to reveal all/separate etc. At that point I think it hit me - I could never trust him/would not want to inflict any hurt on wife/children/he is selfish/self obsessed/boring. I have told him not to be so ridiculous and to pull out all the stops to save his marriage since he has children. Up until now I thought I would be ecstatic if he left his wife but this has been a MASS reality check. Glad I had the wake up call, but really hoping he doesn't carry out his plan and I end up lumbered with OM.

Sorry, I've read the chicklit-type Getting Rid of Matthew, not the self help book. :)

Now why would I have just joined a nest of vipers Quint?

Oh, so you havent joined?

AF - good advice re: mirror but this is not a mirror, these people do not know me or my circumstances at all.

Sorry you are taking some of the heat devilinme!

You should let him move in with you. You deserve each other. Might be hard for the wife at first when she realises what a cheating scumbag her dh is, but in time she might actually meet a decent bloke with decent values. Go on, take him in, do the wife a favour.

OP you are at no point lumbered with anyone. That is not how relationships work. You can choose to be in them.

Why not Baggage Reclaim, btw?

"These people" have heard it all before.

Your story is creakingly and depressingly familiar you see.

The details might alter slightly. But bottom line, two utterly selfish people meet and create a drama and fuck everyone else

Perhaps you think your "details" somehow mitigate ?

Maybe they do, maybe they don't. Maybe if you'd explained instead of inviting women who have been on the receiving end of scenarios like this to join you in your flippancy, you wouldn't have got the reaction you did.

So flippant and nasty about destroying the loves of another human being and her children. What has gone so badly wrong in your life OP that you are reduced to this ?

If you can't beat em, join em eh Jemma1111 - thanks for that - super helpful.

I know AF. I know.

I'm not in the mood to bare my sole right now Fleecyslippers. Plus I doubt you are genuinely interested.

Why post on a public forum then Op ?

Oh and its 'soul'

Just as AF says.

And bear in mind that this fucked up drama can affect many people and last for years and years and years...

That's why you'll be unlikely to get much sympathy around here.

I know - i tried to edit the post re: my typo - think it's cos i was thinking about fleecyslippers!

OP - end your relationship with him, cut him out (if you work together, get your CV updated and out), the damage to his life from his behaviour, while you helped cause it, is not your responsibility now. It's his alone, don't let the narrative become that he's given up/risked everything for you, because if you allow that, then you will feel you are 'stuck' with him. If he leaves his wife, he'll be giving that relationship up for his own selfish reasons, not for you - no man leaves his family for the OW, he leaves because he wants to leave them and wants to be with the OW - he leaves for himself. So while you can feel guilt towards the wife and children, do not feel a gram of guilt about what he's going through.

Take some time to reassess why you acted the way you did. And if you find yourself tempted by a man you can't have (because he's married, or lives the other end of the country, or a million other reasons) stop and think why are you chosing a relationship which will only end in heartache.

Jemma - it's a public forum - EXACTLY, not a public execution!!

Do you have any idea of the devastation you are causing? Really truly any idea?

Evening all
i'm having to post the talk guidelines a lot this evening
Peace and love

Thanks for coming back Dontmind - phew! I really appreciate your advice - thank you

Dontmind is giving you great advice.

It seems that in all honesty the OP doesn't give a flying fuck for the devastation she's caused (along with this twat of a man) and now is in sheer panic at the thought of putting up with him. She can't be feeling ANY guilt towards his wife, afterall she shagged HER husband.

If you like Dontmind's post, then Iurge you again to look at Baggage Reclaim. And have a Tonkin about whether you are actually Ms Unavailable. Not necessarily in the married/partnered sense, but more in wanting an unavailable man and, when he might just become available, running for the hills.

It is a common scenario, and if you don't want it to become the pattern of your life (selecting men who are unavailable because of relationship status or because they are damaged in some way) then it might help you to look at the reasons for these choices.