Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Lumbered with OM

137 replies

kenickielovesrizzo · 29/04/2013 20:04

Just wondered if this ever happened to anyone. Me and OM mutually split a while back (though I cared deeply for him but he is married with children). Then he calls to say he wants to talk to his wife and wants to reveal all/separate etc. At that point I think it hit me - I could never trust him/would not want to inflict any hurt on wife/children/he is selfish/self obsessed/boring. I have told him not to be so ridiculous and to pull out all the stops to save his marriage since he has children. Up until now I thought I would be ecstatic if he left his wife but this has been a MASS reality check. Glad I had the wake up call, but really hoping he doesn't carry out his plan and I end up lumbered with OM.

OP posts:
Original poster
kenickielovesrizzo · 29/04/2013 22:08

Genuinely sorry to anyone I have offended by my initial post.

Please be aware that on the other side of the computer is just a normal human being who has made mistakes. When you are typing out an insult out onto your keyboard and pressing send - you do not know me or what I have been through (sorry that that sounds victimy). The gang bullying mentality here is so fucked up.

I'm leaving the thread. Enjoy yourselves.

OP posts:
fuckitybollocks · 29/04/2013 22:09

The poor wife and children. So now she will be second choice. That hurts trust me. You have done one of the nastiest things anyone can do to another person. And now you have changed your mind. For fucks sake.

fuckitybollocks · 29/04/2013 22:10

I don't know what you have been through, but have a fair idea of the pain you will have caused.

AuntieStella · 29/04/2013 22:11

It's not a gang. It's collective experience. Emotionally limited relationships, in which both partners are unavailable for whatever reason, tend to bring great unhappiness both to those who engage in them and to those who are the collateral damage.

Fleecyslippers · 29/04/2013 22:11

You didn't make mistakes. You made CHOICES.

sarahjaye · 29/04/2013 22:12

Before you go, take some time to read some of the threads on this page about the utter devastation affairs cause.

It might give you some idea as to why you're receiving the responses you are.

Just a thought.

Spaghettio · 29/04/2013 22:13

OP - I recently posted about a friendship query I had and was roundly flamed for my relationship with my partner. There are a lot of people on here that project their own insecurities onto any poster who doesn't do as they would. Please don't take it to heart.

AnyFucker · 29/04/2013 22:13

It's not gang mentality, KLR

Each respondent has their individual opinion and their own reasons for replying as they have.

IDoTakeTwo · 29/04/2013 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialOHara · 29/04/2013 22:15

Leaving the fridge door open is a mistake, incorrect spelling is a mistake. Shagging another woman's husband for ones own fun and pleasure (and causing a family to split up) is not a mistake, that is a choice. An inhuman one, at that.

Liara · 29/04/2013 22:17

Well, I'm going to get absolutely slammed and that's just too bad, but I really don't think you should be feeling so guilty.

I have known a number of men who left their wives for the OW. Some of them are still happily married to the OW many years later, some are not.

All of them would have left their wives sooner or later. In fact, with most of them I told my dh 'affair coming soon here' a few months before it happened. The reason they started the affair was that they wanted out, and could not bring themselves to leave their children unless they felt that they were 'in love' with someone else (whether this was truth or fiction).

I have never seen anyone who wasn't already pretty much checked out of their marriage be made to do it by an OW.

And that is even leaving aside the fact that his marriage is a contract he entered into, and you did not...

freddiemisagreatshag · 29/04/2013 22:19

You make a choice when you shag someone else's husband.

I'd guarantee most of us have been propositioned or had it hinted at by an attached man.

What makes me a decent moral human being is the fact that I didn't act on it.

boyfromipinema · 29/04/2013 22:28

What she's done is bad, but is it possible that initially she didn't know he was married? I can't recall reading if she did or not? If she didn't, then the deceit is down to him. Perhaps she learned later he was, but by then was in love and therefore it was difficult to break ties? I think she also wrote that the relationship ended. Perhaps it was because she felt guilt?
I'm just speculating. Perhaps the man has done this before to his wife? Perhaps she has done it to him? At the end of the day with the information provided this far we don't know.
Not nice for the poor kids though.

Looksgoodingravy · 29/04/2013 22:30

The ripples of deceit spread far and wide.

I'm sure that OM's wife will already have an instinct that something isn't quite right at home, she may be suspicious and checking emails etc, she may think she is losing her mind as her 'd'h seems distant. She may think she's paranoid and is being pathetic. She may be posting on Mumsnet because of all the above!

Now you fear you're going to get 'lumbered' with somebody else's 'd'h!

Feeling guilty about that right now is the least you deserve!

I cannot understand why you posted in such a blasé way. You must have read posts on infidelity and the fall out afterwards. What did you expect from the majority of posters, a warm hug and a pat on the back?

Sorry but you're going to have to suffer the consequences of your actions.

And don't get me started on OM!

TheSilveryPussycat · 30/04/2013 00:13

Choices can be mistaken, surely?

skyebluesapphire · 30/04/2013 00:35

So glad you decided to wait until he wants to leave his wife before you decide that you don't want him. Causes much better devastation doesn't it Hmm maybe oneday when you have a child who cries and wants to know when daddy is coming home again you will understand what a betrayal it is for a man to leave his family.

Your flippant post is an insult to women on here who have had their families broken up by selfish people. " oh dearie me, I've had some fun now I don't want him but may be stuck with him". Would serve you right if you were.

I suggest you grow up before you have another relationship, hopefully with somebody single next time.

squibb · 30/04/2013 01:06

If you've come to find sympathy on MN, you know where you will find it?

Somewhere between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

Christ alive woman, some due diligence could have been applied when it comes to the reception you were likely to get here. But anyway, it's just a a forum, and nobody is forcing your read it now, although maybe you have email notifications on? (might want to kill that off!)

So anyway. You messed up, he messed up, it's all messed up. You need to go full no contact, hope he gets things sorted with his wife and never bothers you again. You need to find someone single to hook up with future, and use your experience of this to lead a better life.

Don't fook about looking for some acceptance on here, you are the devil incarnate as far as much of MN is concerned. But do go out and live your life as best you can, and make good choices.

Tata...

Mosman · 30/04/2013 01:19

Karma ... Please let it exist

DottyboutDots · 30/04/2013 04:59

OP. I feel sympathy for you but this forum is for women who have been cheated on and they are, quite rightly, bitter about it. I think your posts have value as you've had an epiphany about the quality of the bloke that you've been shagging and that might help people except for wives who have taken their husbands back.

Karma doesn't exist Mosman, if it did, why did your husband do what he did to you?

NotTreadingGrapes · 30/04/2013 06:29

"This forum is for women who have been cheated on".

Since when?

OP- If you haven't hidden the thread. Your ex will soon find another OW to shag, don't worry. It's what they do. He will probably end up either leaving his wife or shagging other women with her knowledge (because she will never again no not never, believe he isn't and that's why you receive, as an ex "OW" on here the vitriol. Because a woman whose husband has been caught out, will never again, probably not even if she lives to be 110, truly believe in her heart of hearts he's not still doing it. The paranoia and suspicion and trying to put a smile on for the public and saying shite like "our relationship is now stronger than ever" is a front for all that jittering going on inside.

If he does continue to beg you to walk off into the sunset with him, just, just, dunno, laugh at him or something?

Take care and good luck.

Jemma1111 · 30/04/2013 06:32

liara

You say that the OP shouldn't be feeling so guilty . Well let's hope that you are never in the position of finding out your H has been having an affair .

If he ever does , then believe me you will quite rightly think the OW to be the lowest of the low .
For all you know one of your friends could be saying to their H 'affair coming soon here' about YOU

Jemma1111 · 30/04/2013 06:33

Talking about you and your H I meant to say.

mummytime · 30/04/2013 06:39

Have you read "Getting Rid of Matthew"?

Btw as a happily married mner I'd like to say that not everyone has their judgey pants yank quite as high as some of the people here. But have you OP ever read the posts in relationships? Maybe if you had thought you would have done better to post in AIBU?

fromparistoberlin · 30/04/2013 06:57

for all we know OP could be

abused
depressed
have experienced a major trauma
been bereaved

and yet....as she shagged a married man she is fair game for a fucking battering

maybe she is young, and does not have a clue. I k
now know at my grand old age, and with DC the devastation it causes

I suspect aged 25, I would not have a clue

Its sooooooo sooooooo easy to write nasty words at her, people might be hurting and see her as an easy target. I guess so

threads like this give MN and relationships a bad reputation

NotTreadingGrapes · 30/04/2013 07:02

What I always find bizarre in a way, is that when the Wronged Wife is posting, the same posters on here who are laying into this OP in such a vile way, are the ones who will trot out (quite rightly IMO) the "forget the OW, it's the man who you need to get angry with etc etc". But blimeyheck, if ever a OW dares to admit on here that's that what she is, it's like the long night of the fucking knives.