Forgave my H for being on a dating site last Summer,now find he was on a more sinister site to meet others for sex

[SmileyEyez]

Hi
My H and I have had a bumpy few years in the past but just after we had a few blissful years I found my H had been on match.com. He went as far as opening a profile, pretty vague ,no photo just basic details, I spoke too soon to see if he used the site. In he insight I should of left things for a while before confronting him. He said it was an old site but I saw the date opened was April 12.
As I hadn't ant proof he had taken it any further than curiosity and the account was closed I put it all behind me but obviously it haunted me in the back of my mind.
Now a friend has told me his profile is on a site where people meet other married people for affairs. I checked the profile out and low and behold my husband is there looking back at me, using his real name, knocked a few years off his age though.
From what I can see he was last on the site last summer meaning he hasn't been on the site since I found out about the match.com but by the look of things he was on both sites at the same time.
I haven't any proof he has met any one but I didn't know about this affair site when we discussed things last year and I dropped it.
This seems a bit too seedy to me and I find seeing the lengths he went to to fill in this profile alarming to say the least.
Do I leave this new revelation as I was last year and I already forgave my H last year or do I bring out this new evidence of something he posted but no proof he has done anything?
How do I judge wether he has taken this any further than just making out a profile, the dating site felt harmless by my gut feeling, this has my mind going all over the place.
I am afraid to make a wrong judgement and end my marriage when even this could be innocent & on the other hand I don't want to be a mug living with someone who may be sneaking behind my back & I know if I confront him he will obviously deny this .
We had been getting on so well until I found out he had joined the date site last year, it now looks like he was on 2 sites!

[SmileyEyez]

I am feeling I am getting some where with this feed back, a long haul but its making sense of my mixed feelings, when I should have run a mile ages ago xx

[THERhubarb]

If you have children, is this the legacy you want to leave them? You have unwittingly gone for the same type of man your father was, so what do you think your daughter will do? How will your sons grow up?

Look, even if he is better with another partner, the simple fact is that he wasn't with you. This means that you just aren't right for each other. If he stays with you he may never be the trustworthy, caring man you want him to be. Clinging onto a futile hope that he might come round is useless. Did it do your mum any good?

The thing which sticks out the most from your posts now is how happy you are without him, like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. He is dragging you down day by day and without him you truly feel liberated. That for me signals that you would be happier without him.

I really do think you need counselling to deal with your confidence issues as it's clear from your posts that you don't trust your own judgement, that you fear confrontation, that you are easily cowed and that you are afraid of making decisions. If you deal with these issues then you will change your whole attitude and the next man who comes along had better damn well show you a bit of respect!

There will be another man because you sound lovely. You obviously have a lot of love to give someone. You are loyal, kind-hearted, caring, thoughtful and intelligent. There is someone out there who deserves you but it's not this creep.

[Charbon]

This behaviour is rarely relationship-specific smileyeyez. In fact as you have realised, it wouldn't matter if everything was perfect in his relationship, your husband would still be attracted to sex with new people.

Some people (this is not behaviour that's confined to men) grow out of it, or get fed up with the trail of destruction they wreak and the financial and human costs associated with it. Some people only stop when they run out of opportunities and are unable to attract new partners any longer. Un-romantic though it is and despite new partners believing they've 'cured' a philanderer, the truth is rather more mundane and practical.

If your husband is young and attractive to other women, this behaviour is likely to transcend several subsequent relationships.

[OhHullitsOnlyMeYoni]

OP, to be flippant, even if he was with a new partner all you have to do is search the web and he'd be 'available'...

[THERhubarb]

Hope you are ok OP?

I was thinking about this the other day and thought how horrible it was that you feel he'd somehow be different with another partner, like you are somehow to blame for his roving eye. Why do women feel they need to be perfect wives and perfect lovers in order to keep their men with them? Why this pressure to conform to what their partners want? I never hear of a man saying that.

He's sucked so much of your confidence away that even when he's blatantly in the wrong you will shoulder the bulk of blame. Please don't do that to yourself. This man will never be satisfied with just one woman at home. He'll treat any subsequent partner just the same sadly

[SmileyEyez]

Hi

Sorry I had made a post this morning but It didn't appear for some reason.
,if I remember rightly it was thanking you(THERubarb and Charbon for really logical and grounded posts, you both seem to have a great grasp of the human nature and understand how people tick.

It's true especially as we get older we feel disposable and yes we feel we have to be a certain way in the bedroom or be considered boring or frigid . We feel there are high expectations and if we don't fulfill them there is always someone else to fill them.
How many times do you see people with sexual relationship problems, if the female cant or doesn't want sex the consensus is the bloke has the right to look else where, if the scenario was the opposite, we wouldn't think oh, I,m not getting it at home so I can look else where! Lol sorry think it hit a nerve! :)

I am not too sure he has sucked the confidence out of me, maybe me being such a coward at important times and not dealing with things how I really wanted to is the bit the has worn me down.

In my post that didn't appear I said !I wish someone could slip into my body for a day , deal with my H and I could slip back when it was over and start my new life! :)

I think rejection is something that damages the soul too, knowing the person I live with is capable of offering what should have been sacred between us, to other people so boldly and unashamedly, that hurts the most.

THERubarb and Charbon I wish I had your heads on my shoulders you make so much sense and are well balanced people as too are lots of other posters who,s advice is helping me to make baby steps to exit, and listening to me not getting anywhere as I search for the light! Lol;)

[THERhubarb]

It's a misogynistic society we live in that's for sure. For every person who says that porn and page 3 girls do no harm, I wish I could show them your post. Women are the submissive ones, giving in to the mens demands whilst men are always dominant and in control. It's a perversion of sex really, an unequal union where the woman is ruled over and like you say, there is this attitude that if she doesn't satisfy his demands, he will go elsewhere.

Yet there are still many men who don't operate like that. I still hold onto the belief that the majority of men in fact do recognise women as their equal sexual partners and would not make unreasonable demands in the bedroom or make their partners feel guilty or like failures for not supplying them with sex on tap.

His attitude is in a minority and if he were to attract another partner, she would no doubt be expected to satisfy his demands just as you were.

I know you are dreading the confrontation so perhaps you should approach it as if someone else had slipped into your body for the day. It's just acting. List the qualities you think you will need to handle him and adopt those qualities. Switch off the thoughtful and sensitive you for a while and become another person altogether.

Stick to facts and statements and pretend that you are in a play, where nothing he says really affects you because it's all just an act. Keep your emotions in check and hit him with reason and logic. Then tell him what your future plans are or what you have decided to do. Don't ask for his agreement, you don't need his permission.

If he starts getting defensive and shouty, just walk away and state that you'll be ready to talk again once he's got over his tantrum.

Distance yourself emotionally from it all and it really does help you to get through it and remain fully in control.

Oh and it's far easier advising someone when you are looking from the outside in. I'm sure in your position I would not be this level-headed!

Wishing you lots of luck x

[BejesusIAmBroken]

Hi OP. Perhaps you would like to look at my thread in the secret place? It may help. Hugs xxx

[SmileyEyez]

THERuhubarb, I think you are right in a caring relationship with the right person expectations are different.
I think my H thinks any lack of interest is a criticism to him, and knowing there is tension causes all sorts of things between a couple and nothing happens naturally.

It also makes a person feel under valued if the sex side is looked at as the only way to show you care.
If there was no sex my h would feel there wasn't a relationship. I would beg to differ because I feel if there were problems and a man showed patience he would gradually win his partner back in the bedroom and a deeper respect would grow too.

I found myself doing things or being someone I didn't want to be, because I felt I wasn't adventurous enough, nothing sordid but out of my comfort zone. When he was on the dating site it was like a smack in the face and how I had tried to keep him happy in the bedroom was to no avail. I have held back slightly to gain my self respect but I know he thinks now of me as the boring wife who doesn't enjoy sex, he hasn't said so but I can tell. And since I found out about the adult dating site he was on last Summer I do my best to keep away until I get the strength to leave or throw him out.

I know when the end comes I will get the blame for being the uninterested party, when my sex drive is up there with the rest but feeling used now I pull away from him in the nicest possible way!

Typing this out is like taking the weight off my shoulders as I work through things , ;)

[THERhubarb]

No-one should feel pressured to do things they don't want to do. That smacks of him having no respect for you or your feelings. He is a selfish lover who probably wouldn't fulfil your fantasies but would insist you fulfil his. It's all about him in this relationship isn't it? His needs, his feelings, his sexual appetite, etc.

There can be a lack of sex through all sorts of things including anxiety, childbirth, pregnancy, depression, medication, tiredness, impotence, etc. I'm sure if he suffered impotency you would still be there for him but it sounds as if he wouldn't be there for you.

I would get out now to be honest. This man is taking advantage. You also really need to speak to someone about your feelings and expectations. You don't say if you've had previous relationships but you must realise that your relationship is not 'normal' in that most couples support each other through patches of celibacy, they respect each other both in and out of the bedroom and don't exert pressure on each other to perform.

I'm sorry but when the end comes, he's the one to blame for not being able to keep his dick in his pants. If he treated you with an ounce of respect then things might have been different, but he viewed you with about as much compassion as a blow-up doll. Don't let him pin the blame onto you. Nobody forced him to set up profiles on dating sites, nobody forced him to be a selfish lover, nobody forced him to trample all over your feelings. He made those choices all by himself and it's a sign of immaturity if he can't now take responsibility for them without deflecting the blame.

You are the mature one in all of this. He's just a selfish, spoilt child. I wouldn't waste any more of my energy considering his feelings because he sure as hell doesn't consider yours.

[SmileyEyez]

Hi

H back from course, he didn't go on those sites, I thought he may be tempted!

He showed me his phone, while away he put a photo of myself on his screen saver, because he missed me!!

Confused even more?? :( :(

[Hissy]

Smiley, this man has broken your trust of him. HE wants you to be 'up for it' and all that goes around you head is what he has done, time and time again, how you have been made the reason for this (when nothing could be further from the truth) and how the responsibility for the success or failure of this relationship has been placed on YOUR need for amnesia, and not his having caused the trouble in the first place.

Some women can live with infidelity, others can't.

You have given this a good shot, it has hurt you and further eroded the self confidence you did have, and now you are conflicted.

I can't think of anything to make me feel LESS amorous than what your H has done. Who in their right mind would want to shag someone who does that, does he not acknowledge that?

You are fighting your own instincts here, and that is never a good idea.

The phone image is too little too late. he could have done that on the way home. Where was his 'missing you' when he signed up for match.com? When was he thinking of you then?

You are not confused by this, you don't believe him, or believe IN him, and he is closing the stable door when the horse has long bolted and probably a burger by now.

You've had time alone. How did you feel when he wasn't there. If it's more peaceful, less anxious, then you know that is what your instincts/body is telling you.

He NEEDS counselling, to work out why he thinks sex = love. With a fucked up view of relationships like that, he'll never be happy, and more over, the longer you stay with him, neither will you.

You can do this. Your journey in life has to take the right path. The path he needs to tread is his own. Whether or not you walk together is beyond your control.

[SmileyEyez]

Thanks for that Hissy, again what you say is 100% right, I just needed pushing back on track, hence my post! :)


Everything you said is too true?

As for what you said about the bedroom and his past, his view is the past is past and I am holding on to it instead of letting go! Lol before you say it, I don't go with what he says.

He does have amnesia for everything he does, he believes he hasn't done anything, he total puts it to the back of his mind.

That is the reason I have kept mum so far, to build myself up ready for the exit?

Thank you again for backing me up :):)

[Hissy]

Oh yes, amnesia.... I was expected to have that too. It's really inconvenient to them that we remember every fucking shitty thing they do to us. If only we could pretend it never happened... then there would be no consequences.

If you kill someone, expect to be sentenced.

If you kill a relationship by treachery, cruelty, lies and abuse of trust, expect to be dumped.

To stay in a relationship like that is somehow a reflection on US and our self esteem.

Well, we owe it to ourselves to demand at least decent treatment of us.

the past is the past eh? well he is part of that past, he caused that past, he IS that past. he is and WILL be YOUR PAST.

Your future is without him. Of that I'm sure. Your future will be happier without him. of that I am CERTAIN.

He's a cheat. WTF does anyone want with one of those?

((((HUG))) you are doing fine, just ignore all the BS he's spouting. It's all about him and his feelings. You STILL don't figure in his thinking. He just wants to be let off the hook.

[SmileyEyez]

Lol he says I dwell too much on the past but I haven't mentioned anything since last year.

True I sit here and wonder WHY?

[SmileyEyez]

Thank you for all your words of wisdom, please don't think I am weak if I keep popping up for more advice!

It's really helping me :)

[Hissy]

You're not weak, you're working this through. You need to get your head round it all. It'll come.

[SmileyEyez]

H has only been home a few days and I think my emotions are beginning to kick in. He was away for nearly a week and I enjoyed he peace and no pressure of having to pretend.

I have noticed how I see him in a different light after being apart and finding it incredibly hard to keep a civil tongue in my head.

All I see now is a sleazy, creepy, liar, he even looks different to me and his body scent smells of a different man now, not the bloke I was in love with.

I think this being patient to sort things out is happening in a natural way, I can't even pretend to be nice..

I had to laugh, I don't think he is aware that when he signed up to Married Affairs .com last summer that he was automatically put on at least another four sites, exact same profile, in fact they have the same people on just different unpleasantly named but apt titles..

Not sure wether I should print out all the sites he is on and present them to him on D Day? Lol

[badinage]

Websites aren't allowed to do that without the user's permission, so if he's on lots of different sites he does know about it and has consented to it.

[SmileyEyez]

I thought that but on each site the photos of the other people are exactly the same , same wording and in the same order too, just a different title, which leads me to believe they join one site and are put on other sister sites, they seem connected either that or the same men have enrolled on exactly the same sites as my H ? The lay out and everything is identical on each site. :)

[SmileyEyez]

Sorry misread your post, I joined the site as a bogus user( strike me down for stooping to his level) I wasn't asked to consent to joining the other sites, though I think I should check to see ifvm bogus profile has unfitted lay ended up on Hess sites too. I feel a bit like a seedy Sherlock Holmes,, keeps me alert!, lol

[SmileyEyez]

Sorry about typing errors above :)

[badinage]

Having trouble understanding your posts, sorry. It will be in the terms and conditions of the site.

[OhHullitsOnlyMeYoni]

It sounds as though he has just c&p'd his wording and used the same pic. I don't think it would sign you up automatically without his permission - looks to me as though he has spread his net.
Something that keeps bugging me is where he was last week. Do you know for sure he wasn't with someone he met on one of these sites? I can't help but wonder as weeks away can be a good chance for men like this to kill two birds, so to speak. A friend of mine caught her ex out when he told her he only had 1 week's worth of holiday left and had told her he had been on a business trip when it was actually a hol with another woman...
I hope that doesn't come over wrong, I just want to know if it had crossed your mind.
Being aware of his actions will let you see what outsiders see more. It is healthy but hard at the same time.

[BeCool]

I used an online dating site years ago - I was automatically linked into loads of different dating websites which was very annoying. I don't recall being asked and if I was I would not have consented. It just happened.