Forgave my H for being on a dating site last Summer,now find he was on a more sinister site to meet others for sex

[SmileyEyez]

Hi
My H and I have had a bumpy few years in the past but just after we had a few blissful years I found my H had been on match.com. He went as far as opening a profile, pretty vague ,no photo just basic details, I spoke too soon to see if he used the site. In he insight I should of left things for a while before confronting him. He said it was an old site but I saw the date opened was April 12.
As I hadn't ant proof he had taken it any further than curiosity and the account was closed I put it all behind me but obviously it haunted me in the back of my mind.
Now a friend has told me his profile is on a site where people meet other married people for affairs. I checked the profile out and low and behold my husband is there looking back at me, using his real name, knocked a few years off his age though.
From what I can see he was last on the site last summer meaning he hasn't been on the site since I found out about the match.com but by the look of things he was on both sites at the same time.
I haven't any proof he has met any one but I didn't know about this affair site when we discussed things last year and I dropped it.
This seems a bit too seedy to me and I find seeing the lengths he went to to fill in this profile alarming to say the least.
Do I leave this new revelation as I was last year and I already forgave my H last year or do I bring out this new evidence of something he posted but no proof he has done anything?
How do I judge wether he has taken this any further than just making out a profile, the dating site felt harmless by my gut feeling, this has my mind going all over the place.
I am afraid to make a wrong judgement and end my marriage when even this could be innocent & on the other hand I don't want to be a mug living with someone who may be sneaking behind my back & I know if I confront him he will obviously deny this .
We had been getting on so well until I found out he had joined the date site last year, it now looks like he was on 2 sites!

[Hissy]

Relax.

It will come to you.

Don't panic, don't worry. You've done nothing wrong.

Get your things in order, it will be ok. Keep talking to us.

(((Hug)))

[SmileyEyez]

Thank you for that Hissy, I will keep popping back, feel the need to keep talking things through, to drum it into my head what he has got up to, thank you again, really helps to off load and gain others thoughts x

[AnyFucker]

You sound lovely, smiley

Hissy gives great advice, and doesn't she make you feel somehow safe in her hands ?

[Hissy]

Aw, AF... gerroffit!

Having spent 10 years in mindfuckery central, trying to second guess a lunatic, discovering the ability to try not to panic, to bide my time and gather my wits is an absolute blessing.

These men EXPECT hysteria, and panic. Panic weakens us. So deep breath, think about YOU, what makes you happy, what you need, and where you want to be on the other side of this.

You know he's blown it with you, and that you need to regain the dignity he stripped by this humiliation of not bothering to clear up his mess, and to have signed up o such an obvious nsa site, really has torn it. He could have got rid of it all, but no your friends found him.

The marriage, as it was, is over. You get to decide what happens next. New rules are to be written.

You are in complete control. You can handle it all too. Because you're a mumsnettet, you're packing serious heat, and he's totally outgunned!

[SmileyEyez]

Thanks for that AnyFucker, gormless more than lovely but really finding the support uplifting and keeping me positive!

Hissy , I think I need to screen shot your last post , you are a person of my own heart.
Too true , I am keeping calm so I can handle this to the best of my ability and aim to arm myself with confidence when ready, it is my only weapon when finding myself in a situation I didn't plan.

This mans actions have repercussions on my kids lives and our futures and true, the humiliation has taken away my dignity, but I want to face him, looking my best inside and out, with a clear head, even if I am pooing myself, he won't be able to see it, thanks to all your support! Xx

[SmileyEyez]

I had forgotten how it feels to feel safe, I hope one day I regain that feeling.
H is on a course for a week, and gosh don't I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders And I have replaced him , we'll let's say his side of the bed is now being warmed up by our family dog who up until tonight was banned from our bedrooms L o L night xx

[AnyFucker]

[THERhubarb]

I think you are focusing too much on the fact that these profiles were set up last year Smiley. Yes it is true that he hasn't accessed them since but he hasn't deleted them has he? Do you not have to pay an annual fee to remain on a dating website?

It's not just about the websites. He lied to you last year. He had the opportunity then to talk to you properly about his reasons for setting up the profile but he didn't.

He lied about only using it for curiosity. In my mind, you don't pay to join two dating websites (one for married people) and set up a very detailed profile if you are only curious. He had one purpose in mind and that was to have an affair.

He's also coming across as very controlling - breaking up friendships, expecting sex from you even after surgery, throwing your past back in your face, spreading rumours about you. I honestly find that most distasteful - who would spread rumours like that about their own partner?

The way he tackles confrontation too - turning it all round so that you are to blame, almost making you feel guilty for daring to question him. He sounds like a piece of work.

Has he ever allowed you to forget about your male friend? Does he still use that in arguments against you? Has he never apologised for his actions then?

Don't you feel guilty about bringing this up now, he wouldn't would he? You have every right to demand to know what was going on. For all you know, he could have other profiles on other dating sites that are active. How could you tell? How can you trust him when he has already lied to you? You've never hidden anything from him, you've been nothing but truthful and open to him and at the very least you deserved some respect back. To have a profile on a married dating site which lists where he is from is really wiping your nose in it.

He clearly thinks you are a fool and for me that would also be unforgiveable at this stage.

[Charbon]

It's sad to see a poster on here believing that she can prevent her partner's infidelity, but OP your testimony is very powerful at countering that myth. Very often seeking opportunities outside of a relationship has got nothing to do with any dissatisfactions within it and it is in any case impossible to control another person's behaviour.

I really endorse all the wise posts about anger. It is an extraordinarily helpful emotion.

OP your mantra should be you did not cause this, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. You are only responsible for your own actions and responses. Your partner is trying to be unfaithful at every opportunity. What you do now is an active choice. If you ignore this again, you are in effect choosing to stay with someone who will not be faithful.

[THERhubarb]

God I would be so livid!

He told people you were having an affair! The bloody cheek of it!
He ruined your close friendship.
He pressurises you into having sex after surgery with no regard or thought for your welfare.
He paid for and opened up two dating profiles.
These profiles are still up there for all to see, including your friends and neighbours so everyone will be aware of his intentions.
If you dare to question him, he throws everything back in your face.
He has robbed you of your confidence and bled your emotions dry.
He has lied to you.
He has strung you along by pretending to be a doting husband (and those love texts you get every day, aren't they just another way of controlling you?)

I would be beside myself with rage. I think that you are in shock and the anger will come soon.

[SmileyEyez]

Hi
Just got in and read your posts THErhubarb and Charbon, what you both say is completely true of him and me.
I have spent the day enjoying the sun, walking on the beach and having lunch with a friend to take my mind off things ?

He is away and I am feeling great, it puts it in perspective how I would feel away from him now, I would feel free and unburdened, or is that an overdose of long awaited sunshine.?
Got 3 more days without him lol xx

[AnyFucker]

Every day could be relaxed and stress-free, like today.

[SmileyEyez]

I realise that now, it's an amazing liberating feeling.
I am building up myself and thoughts in this period, keeping my head clear and working out my future xx

[THERhubarb]

Good luck Smiley, remember that you have support here if you need it x

[SmileyEyez]

Thank you , I do need support through this, just to know I am not going mad!lol

It seems surreal and scary being in a situation I don't want to be in with the thought to of confronting him too, not nice and something I am dreading .
Just glad it's sunny and I can put things on the back burner.

If anything has come out of this ,it's the realisation I want a new life and future, just have to deal with a lot of poo first to get where I want.

Afraid I will keep popping up boring the socks off people just to keep momentum .xx

[Hissy]

Carry on posting, you will need it to keep wading through the crappy bit between now and freedom.

Get an image or an idea in your mind and aim for it.

For me, it was knowing that staying with him, I'd never go on a nice European Holiday, as he hates every nationality that isn't his. And his are a shower of wankers at the best of times. [honest truth]

Last year I went to see friends in Mallorca, me and my boy. it was lovely!

The last straw was him telling my best friend's H that I'd been in a mental hospital for 5 years. That was it. That killed it dead. Anything he said to me, I said, Why would you want to be with someone who had been in a Nut House for 5 years. etc etc etc. drove him MAD

You can do this.

If little old me can escape being stuck in a hellhole country, 4 flights up, and a million miles from anyone vaguely civilised, overcome ensuing agoraphobia and anxiety... then you can hold out for this.

Why? cos you are owed at least the happiness I have now. I tell you sometimes life is so good, you feel like you will explode with happiness.

Trust me. All that is yours too.

[SmileyEyez]

Wow you went through hell and back Hissy, I wish I could be as strong as you.
I am finding the space helpful but my tummy is beginning to churn a little and my heart feels funny knowing when he comes home tomorrow all the feelings of anguish will be back in full throttle.

It's more excepting the life I wanted with him doesn't exist , that's why I needed reassurance that I am not being too hard on him bringing out the site he was on last year, even though I had forgiven him for the other one he had been on.
My mind was going round in circles, because I was feeling guilty at the thought of bringing it up! LOL


I am glad things worked out fir you Hissy, I will try to use your tactics and not let my soppy ness get in the way if my better judgement xx

[THERhubarb]

The feeling of an impending confrontation is awful isn't it? You can feel your lips begin to wobble and your legs go to jelly before you've even said anything!

Just make sure that you take full control of that conversation. Tell him calmly what you have found. Mention that your friend and all her friends saw his profile so no doubt other local people will have also seen it.

He will come up with a hundred excuses about it being a year ago, it was just curiosity, he was stupid, etc. You don't have to answer any of that. You just state what you have found, how it has made you feel, your other suspicions, his jealously and then you tell him what YOU are going to do.

No recriminations, no tears. Take control of the argument by just stating what will happen next. Don't get drawn into a fight about your previous friendship or anything else, let him huff and puff all he likes, let him level accusations at you, don't answer them. Just repeat your plans very calmly.

By staying calm and focused on what you have to say you will have the upper hand and he will find it impossible to argue with you.

Best of luck and yes, we are all still here for you.

[SmileyEyez]

Thank you THERubarb.

I think I will have to print that out and stick it in my pocket.

I am afraid I am a coward , I will need loads of support and words of wisdom as I am a chicken by nature and never in my life had to confront any one not even a relationship, not even in teens, I was the one dumped( thankfully in some cases) but I never could do it! Lol

This time, I know I have to get the guts from some where and face him. It's not on really is it when people poo on you, we have to make choices which affect other people's lives, all because he is a plonker, and I am going to be the person who breaks up the family and marriage , there isn't any justice is there?

I guess a few months, years down the line I will be happy I was strong, just have to muster up some bionic powers from some where to help me use my mouth and brain at the same time without turning into jelly!

At least this has broken my spirit this time which is keeping me calm .x

[Hissy]

honey, you're stronger than I was, so honestly, don't allow anyone to steal a second f your life if they don'tadd to it.

[UnlikelyAmazonian]

Am stunned that anyone can use a phrase like 'obliging in the bedroom department' (see the op)

That actually means, 'I let him fuck me' .

ie, I 'oblige him' even when he's a faithless deceitful nobber.

Not a marriage. Not even a friendship.

[UnlikelyAmazonian]

I speak as a wife who was in the op's position btw - so am really really hoping that in a short amount of time the OP will share my perspective: that she is being used and abused by a lying shagger who is laughing at her.

Bin him op.

[OhHullitsOnlyMeYoni]

OP you re not the one breaking up the marriage here - you are merely ending it after he has declared it an 'open' one without consulting you first.

[SmileyEyez]

I think UnlikelyAmazonian, I was referring to our relationship before the revelations , just saying our relationship between the sheets was above normal as was suggested I upped my game to keep him content .
I do agree it looks to me that my H wants his cake and eat it and no matter what was on offer at home he still seeked fun of sorts outside, I see that now.

OhHullitsOnlyMeYoni, someone else has put that to me that he treats our marriage as an open relationship. It does seem there is one life style for him and one for me x

Hissy, I am sure I won't be as string as you, you showed determination and went through it and hell and back to but you still manage to give great advice x

[Hissy]

Smiley, seriously, i didn't DO anything. I just let him go, and weathered all the feelings that threw up. At the time, yes, it was terrifying, because I had so little left of me, but I didn't really know that then.

FOCUS on getting past the pinchpoint of putting him into your past. It LOOKS more daunting than it really is. Seriously.

Once you have gone past this, you will look back and wonder what on earth took you so long.

Trust me. It's not a leap, it's only a step.