Forgave my H for being on a dating site last Summer,now find he was on a more sinister site to meet others for sex

[SmileyEyez]

Hi
My H and I have had a bumpy few years in the past but just after we had a few blissful years I found my H had been on match.com. He went as far as opening a profile, pretty vague ,no photo just basic details, I spoke too soon to see if he used the site. In he insight I should of left things for a while before confronting him. He said it was an old site but I saw the date opened was April 12.
As I hadn't ant proof he had taken it any further than curiosity and the account was closed I put it all behind me but obviously it haunted me in the back of my mind.
Now a friend has told me his profile is on a site where people meet other married people for affairs. I checked the profile out and low and behold my husband is there looking back at me, using his real name, knocked a few years off his age though.
From what I can see he was last on the site last summer meaning he hasn't been on the site since I found out about the match.com but by the look of things he was on both sites at the same time.
I haven't any proof he has met any one but I didn't know about this affair site when we discussed things last year and I dropped it.
This seems a bit too seedy to me and I find seeing the lengths he went to to fill in this profile alarming to say the least.
Do I leave this new revelation as I was last year and I already forgave my H last year or do I bring out this new evidence of something he posted but no proof he has done anything?
How do I judge wether he has taken this any further than just making out a profile, the dating site felt harmless by my gut feeling, this has my mind going all over the place.
I am afraid to make a wrong judgement and end my marriage when even this could be innocent & on the other hand I don't want to be a mug living with someone who may be sneaking behind my back & I know if I confront him he will obviously deny this .
We had been getting on so well until I found out he had joined the date site last year, it now looks like he was on 2 sites!

[UnlikelyAmazonian]

You 'upped your game.. between the sheets' ??

And 'the revelations' What, like 'the sausages' ?


finally 'It does seem there is one life style for him and one for me x'

no shit sherlock

[Hissy]

We all do things that seem to make sense at the time. If you bailed at the first off moment, you would feel guilty of not trying.

It's only when you get past that point and realise that YOUR effort was all on it's own and futile, that you realise that perhaps it wasn't the greatest idea.

I did the same, I know, when I was in the depths of a controlling relationship. Just trying to make things better, because I thought it was my fault somehow.

Of course it wasn't, but it was what I had been told. for years.

When we know better, we do better.

There is NOTHING to be gained (and actually it's rather rude) to pick holes in our thinking at times like that. We need to understand what we did and why, learn and grow from the experience.

[UnlikelyAmazonian]

Ok Hissy. whatever.

[Hissy]

thanks for your constructive contribution UA. Nice of you to pop by.

[SmileyEyez]

I think some of us do blame ourselves when our OH go AWOL , we look at our relationship and wonder where we went wrong. My h has an insatiable sex drive and yes I felt I mustn't of been fulfilling my side if the bargain.

But looking back, he probably wouldn't have been satisfied if I could accomplish every position in the Karma Sutra every night, if that was possible.

Activity is less now , because I can't be the person I was with the stranger I now see, but I guess that will come up in the face off, as a reason he went off to look else where, when are ally 12 months ago ill or not nothing changed as his attention never wavered !

The grass is always greener in the other side! Lol unless its Astro turf, or how ever you spell that.

[Wowserz129]

What the hell OP. what can be innocent about having a full blown profile on a affairs website?? There's a strong chance he was accusing you of having an affair to cover he was! Wake the hell up, what are you going to do about it? Above all I would be so humiliated that my friends found it.

[SmileyEyez]

I am humiliated. :(

[SmileyEyez]

My H has been away all week and I lowered myself to check the profile to see if he had been on at all.

He hasn't been on still since last summer and I think if he was going to be tempted it would be while he is far away ?????

Half of me feels bad doubting him and now doing a full circle thinking he clearly isn't using the site, am I validated in bringing it up?

This is a question, not a turn around , just pondering !
Maybe he has changed :/

[MadAboutHotChoc]

He might be using other sites or may already have found suitable FWBs and is in touch with them via other means.

[Teeb]

You don't know he's changed op. All you know is the proof you have that this is persistent behaviour he's displayed, and that he's a lying shit quite frankly.

Who's to say he hasn't changed his allegiance to some other sordid sex/dating website? One that you or your friends haven't discovered yet?

[SmileyEyez]

What if he has changed?

[MadAboutHotChoc]

You need proof that he has changed - we always say on here actions speak louder than words. Has he removed his accounts? has he been working on himself to find out what issues and flaws that was in him and addressing these? has he been honest and open with you about what he did or is he still denying everything?

[SmileyEyez]

Not approached him about the last find yet because I know what he will say, probably someone else put it on as a joke!

The other he totally denied, saying it was an old account he hadn't closed, yet I know the date his opened it, altered it etc......they make convincing liars !

Sorry just going through things on my mind.
Had a nice few days of peace, not thought about anything and enjoyed the sunshine and got out for lunch a few times.

Now he is due home everything is flooding back and I feel like a bunny boiler not the happy go lucky women I have felt these past few days. :)

[THERhubarb]

Smiley, seriously, look at your relationship even without these revelations.

He is selfish in the bedroom
He is controlling
He turns arguments around so that the focus is on you and not him.

Are you really happy with this man? Does he treat you with respect and cater for your needs?

I don't know if he has changed. Why leave the profiles up if he has? Why not delete them unless he thought he might use them at some stage?
Have you looked on other dating websites?

Thing is, you now have this seed of doubt in your mind. Can you honestly trust him? Do you know that he's alone whilst away?

How would he react if you told him you couldn't have sex for a while? Would be be caring towards you, worried about you, respectful of your decision? Or would he sulk and pressure you to give in?

Only you know what kind of relationship you have with him. All I can tell you is that you should never settle for second best. You deserve more. Don't just stick with him because it's the safest option unless you want to throw away your chance to be happy. Happiness is not something that should be compromised on.

I would want to know why he has not deleted the profiles.
Why he set them up.
What he is going to do about it and how he can prove himself to you.
Actions speak louder than words. Sending texts every day is easy and it's a great way to keep you focused on him.

I'm not saying you should walk away but I do think you need to consider what role you both play in this relationship and if that role is equal. If it isn't then you do need to act because I have a feeling that sooner or later, he will reactivate one of those profiles and seek his fun elsewhere. The intention was there - what has changed since?

[THERhubarb]

Denial is a bad start. Unless he is completely honest with you then how can you move forward? If he continues to lie about setting them up, if he continues to deny it than that would tell me you have a man who is incapable of being honest and has no problem in deceiving you.

Without honesty I really don't think you can go anywhere. You can't draw a line under it all, you can't work on forgiveness, you can't sort through your problems. You will always be left wondering.

That's no way to carry on a relationship.

[Charbon]

Yes - don't view the infidelity and attempts at it, in isolation.

Look at your whole relationship and try to see that like all infidelity, this is not an aberrant set of events. The people most likely to be unfaithful are those who are already selfish and with deep-rooted character flaws that are relationship-damaging in their own right. If there is a 'good' side to infidelity, it often makes partners who had previously been bargaining away character faults, to sit up and realise that the infidelity was merely a natural consequence of behaviours that had previously been overlooked.

In factual terms, it is extremely likely that your husband has profiles on several sites (there are loads of married dating sites) and that he uses them to make initial contact and then once phone numbers and contact details are swapped, has no further activity on the sites themselves.

It's possible to rebuild a new relationship after infidelity, but not when there are lies about what has happened. To rebuild a relationship your husband would need to admit that he has been seeking/having sex with new partners and promise to change. I would think in this case the likelihood of him a) admitting that and b) changing - must be very slim indeed.

You really don't need proof about any of this. You have found him twice on sex dating sites, you don't trust him, you know he lies, he has humiliated you in front of friends and lots of aspects of his behaviour in your relationship over the years have made you unhappy.

Those really are reasons enough to leave a relationship. But you need to give yourself permission to do that.

[SmileyEyez]

That's true I seem to be working my way through this so when we are over I don't have any regrets , but yes it's my way of trying to give myself permission to end this.

This may not seem right but I feel guilty thinking of the positives of splitting up, possibly starting a new relationship, being happy!


Why does this thought make me feel in the wrong or is this me accepting ?

[THERhubarb]

Maybe, deep down, you don't think you deserve to be happy? Just a thought but you might benefit from counselling to undo the psychological damage he has no doubt cause. Let's face it, you have felt under pressure to 'perform' in order to keep him and you have made many sacrifices for his sake. You've put yourself on the back burner and no longer feel worthy of attention or happiness.

Try to remember who you were before he came long and ask yourself if the old you would have put up with this treatment. You DO deserve to be happy and if that is without him then so be it. He ended the relationship when he started lying to you. He made that choice and continues to make it. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You opened your heart to this man and gave him everything. Now it's time to move on and give your heart to someone who is capable of giving in return.

[Charbon]

The human psyche has a way of normalising behaviour in others in order to protect something for oneself. It's also a drip-drip effect so it starts with low level selfish behaviour such as domestic laziness and as each incident gets bargained away, the overall pattern of behaviour becomes the new 'norm'. So because you aren't good at confrontation and also sound over responsible, I expect that by the time the sex became unsatisfactory you had normalised so much that it didn't seem as much of a red flag. Then came the obvious evidence of infidelity in the summer, but you bargained it away again and created a new 'norm' in the relationship.

In all this, you are tryng to protect yourself from ending a relationship and all that it means. I'd like to think that if he'd started with infidelity, that would have been such a shocking 'norm' then that you'd have got out straight away. Instead because this has become such an ingrained patten, you're normalising it even after a second discovery and trying to find ways to explain it away again.

[Miggsie]

Someone with his pattern of behaviour doesn't chage - read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?" which encompasses the complete pathology of lying, deceiful men and how they manipulate thier partners.

[SmileyEyez]

That makes a lot of sense Charbon, it's as though part if me is used to it, the other fighting to make me free myself, all makes a lot of sense and is meeee to a T xx

[THERhubarb]

You might benefit from some time alone, just to rediscover yourself. You need to love who you are and have some fun with friends. Get in touch with that old friend of yours and arrange a bloody good night out. Be with people who lift your confidence and your spirits.

You can't ever allow yourself to be taken advantage of like that again.

[Charbon]

One of the most helpful ways of looking at this objectively is to imagine this was your mum, daughter, sister or friend in this relationship with this man. What would you want them to do?

Another good test is to imagine that this happened before kids, houses, marriage contracts and that no-one knew you had a relationship so leaving it would ruffle no feathers. What would you do?

[SmileyEyez]

Miggsie, I think I do see a trait in him but sometimes I feel I am being too critical, like many of us are sometimes, or making things out for the worst.

My gut feeling is there is something deep down in him that won't change.

Also I am scared he may be different with his next partner and I will live a life of regret... Just one of many thoughts I am trying to illiminate

[SmileyEyez]

THERhubarb, I have just had such days while he is away and you are right, I felt empowered , amazing, now he is coming home, panick fills me!!

I am afraid I found out recently , without me knowing , my dad was exactly like my husband right up until his death, their traits are so similar and I didn't know any of it, except one digression when I was 7.

They were so similar in there ways its scary , but I didn't see any of this in my dad when he was alive.


True, I wouldn't want any one to put up with a bloke like him, xx