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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Rape within marriage: why do so many people refuse to believe me?

58 replies

ClementineKelandra · 28/04/2013 17:19

The long story short is that I seperated from my H last Autumn after years of mental and occasionally physical abuse.

Since the seperation several close friends and family members have asked how I am, what went wrong etc. I decided to tell them about the occasion h raped me because I needed people to see what he was really like. One of my friends went very quiet after I told her and then has distanced herself from me ever since.

Perhaps the worse thing though is that my own mother thinking I am lying and 'confused' due to the depression I suffer with and doesn't want anything to do with me now. She even phone h to see how he was!

This has been the worst time ofy life and they've all effectively abandoned me. I am the victim but I'm been treated as if I've done something wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClementineKelandra · 28/04/2013 17:20

Sorry for typos, on my phone.

OP posts:
GingerBlondecat · 28/04/2013 17:22

((((((((((((((soft HUGS))))))))))))))) Sweetie.

I don't know what to say, so I will leave advice to those whom can vocalize it better.

LittleFeileFooFoo · 28/04/2013 17:23

I am so sorry for what has happened to you. I suspect many people don't understand that rape can happen in a marriage.

Also in my opinion there is no need for any reason to get a divorce than you wanted out of the marriage.

freemanbatch · 28/04/2013 17:28

My family don't believe me, my brother still think my ex is a great guy and has more contact with him than he does with me and my sister says I must be making it up to make people feel sorry for me. (I HATE people feeling sorry for me so really no)

People are rubbish with things they don't understand and some people are just rubbish general!

I am really sorry you had to go through that and I hope that people emerge who not only believe you but value you more for your strength in fighting back and getting out.

Hissy · 28/04/2013 17:43

many victims of dv are victims due to their family.

My mother sided against me when I got out of the dv relationship I was in too.

Its very common sadly.

Detach. She's No mother.

I'm so sorry.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/04/2013 17:54

Rape is a pretty shocking thing to talk about, however it occurs. Like other very traumatic events - bereavement, serious illness, mental health issues etc- people often simply don't know how what to say for the best, find it very disturbing, and I think your friend falls into that category. Your mother is obviously struggling to deal with the idea full stop and thrashing around looking to rationalise it away.... very common. This is why health professionals are so useful. Are you getting therapeutic help?

Original poster
ClementineKelandra · 28/04/2013 18:04

I am having counselling and have spoke to women's aid several times. Women's aid are truly amazing.

I feel such anger at the moment. I feel like I want to shout from the roof tops that H is a rapist. I want people to know what he really is.

I too have been accused of being attention seeking.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClementineKelandra · 28/04/2013 18:06

Do you know I even doubt myself sometimes.

But I would wake up in the night and find h abusing me. I was on sleeping tablets and so slept very deeply. One time I woke to find him taking intimate pictures of me.

I'm sorry if tmi but I really feel the need to finally tell people what happened.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/04/2013 18:07

Keep saying what you feel you have to say but just be aware that not everyone can cope with really serious information. It's the same when someone dies. It's not that friends are heartless necessarily but they can melt away because they are frightened of saying the wrong thing.

Original poster
ClementineKelandra · 28/04/2013 18:08

And I am truly sorry for the DV some of you guys have suffered :(

OP posts:
Original poster
ClementineKelandra · 28/04/2013 18:09

The sad thing is Cogito is that I don't need them to say anything. I would just love somebody to open their arms to me and then hold me for the longest time.

OP posts:
Wishiwasanheiress · 28/04/2013 18:10

I'm so sorry. I suppose its just a hard thing to understand and if they like the guy it's even harder.

That said, it happens. I believe you. I'm so sorry.

BumpingFuglies · 28/04/2013 18:11

It's not tmi you can say whatever you like here OP. I'm so sorry and glad you have sought help. Seems so unfair for you, is your ex a good manipulator?

Original poster
ClementineKelandra · 28/04/2013 18:21

H is an excellent manipulator. He takes gas lighting to a whole new level.

Over the years he has managed to convince pretty much everyone that I'm a week, mentally ill and unable to cope without him. And the stupid thing is I went along with him because I believed him too. I really thought I couldn't cope without him.

Even my cpn thought he was amazing!

Strangely enough in the months since we seperated my mental health has started to improve and I feel better about myself than I have done in years. I jyst need to get rid of this anger. I actually feel more anger towards the people who didn't believe me than I do towards ex.

OP posts:
Isitme1 · 28/04/2013 18:28

Just a bit of hand holding from me.
X
Take time for you. Fuck what they think.
X

BumpingFuglies · 28/04/2013 18:29

So everyone is taken in by him. Trouble is you are going to be expending a lot of energy getting people to believe you. Not that I blame you x

What a shit time for you x

Original poster
ClementineKelandra · 28/04/2013 18:34

It's not even worth trying to convince people is it? They're not really the right people to have around me if they weren't there for me from the start.

I think I need to walk away from it all and start again.

I'm taking the kids away for a week next half term. First time I've done it alone. We're only going to the East coast (from the northwest) but it feels like a huge step. It's like the beginning of the new me and it feels good. I feel so free.

OP posts:
FarBetterNow · 28/04/2013 19:32

Love and best wishes to you and your new life.

nikaia60 · 28/04/2013 20:00

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through that horrendous experience, OP. To suffer that kind of abuse and then to not be believed / accused of attention seeking (WTF?) when you turn to your family for support must be unbelievably difficult. You sound like one bloody strong woman to have gotten away from him and to be able, amidst all this shit, to focus on your new life and your freedom.
Just wanted to offer a bit of advice on dealing with your anger. You're completely justified in your anger, totally and utterly, but carrying it around will hurt you far more than those it's aimed at. There are some great therapy approaches out there that will help you let go of it, you don't even need to forgive those you're angry with, you can simply work on changing the way the anger affects you. Cognitive Hypnotherapy, EFT and EMDR would all be worth looking into. PM me if you'd like more info.

All the best for your new life xx

LittleEsme · 28/04/2013 20:28

I believe you.

lucamom · 28/04/2013 20:39

You sound brilliant-strong people like you will have the last laugh and prove people wrong by being happy x

BasilBabyEater · 28/04/2013 22:35

I believe you.

Lots of times people don't want to engage with what you're telling them because they recognise stuff in their own life that they're putting up with, or indeed doing to someone else. You not putting up with it, disturbs them because they experience it as a direct challenge to their lives. It's about them, not about you.

I'm glad you're getting the RL support you need, stick with it.

Planetofthedrapes · 29/04/2013 05:56

I believe you.

Its so sad that your "friends" and "family" are not there for you...fuck 'em!!

Walk away, just withdraw from them!

freddiemisagreatshag · 29/04/2013 06:00

I believe you.

If they don't - cut them off.

You'll expend valuable time and energy trying to get them to believe you and it's not worth it. If they don't believe you then they really really aren't worth having in your life. They don't deserve to be a part of your life.

HellesBelles396 · 29/04/2013 06:27

I believe you - it happened to me too (different xh I assume!)

I believed his lies for eleven years until I started a new series of counselling until, for the first time, I told someone ans the counsellor made me stop repeating his lies and see what happened for what it was.

I haven't told dm, etc. o k.ow they would believe me but it would end up being all about how they feel and they would want to talk about it loads Sad Angry

I told two close friends - one reacted perfectly (hugs and reassurances then got on with business as usual Smile ). the other was huffy and reassuring until I started explaining some of the reasons I hadn't seen it for what it was (ie his lies) and she started questioning whether that could be true/good reasons for what he did. she's normally an amazing friend but this has created a distance that I don't think she realises is there.

anyway, that lengthy missive was to say, op, I believe, I know how possible it is to be manipulated into doubting yourself so, now that you have taken the brilliantly brave step of leaving him and trying to deal with the damage he has caused, do not be put off by others. remember thouhh, it took you years to blame his insted of yourself and you JS first-hand proof. yes, you should be believed by your nearest and dearest but the knowledge will be inside them until something clicks and they come to realise what he really is.

you're doing well - keep going and focus on those able to offer you support.