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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Rape within marriage: why do so many people refuse to believe me?

58 replies

ClementineKelandra · 28/04/2013 17:19

The long story short is that I seperated from my H last Autumn after years of mental and occasionally physical abuse.

Since the seperation several close friends and family members have asked how I am, what went wrong etc. I decided to tell them about the occasion h raped me because I needed people to see what he was really like. One of my friends went very quiet after I told her and then has distanced herself from me ever since.

Perhaps the worse thing though is that my own mother thinking I am lying and 'confused' due to the depression I suffer with and doesn't want anything to do with me now. She even phone h to see how he was!

This has been the worst time ofy life and they've all effectively abandoned me. I am the victim but I'm been treated as if I've done something wrong.

OP posts:
HellesBelles396 · 29/04/2013 06:28

the other was huggy and reassuring.

apologies for the ridiculous number of typos.

getthegirladrink · 29/04/2013 10:57

I didn't want to read & run without saying: I believe you

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 29/04/2013 11:47
Sad

i believe you too

i went through a similar thing. ex fiancee raped me. confided in one person, who then went on to tell everyone we knew. i had 3+ years of rape jokes, comments directed at me and people laughing in my face... especially when drunk. they are all still friends with my ex as they refused to believe me.

im still "friends" with most of these people as i feel i would have no friends at all without them. i cant just drop them... im quite shy and find it difficult to make friends Sad i have a couple of online fb friends that believe me and treat me better than my "friends" have ever done.

luckily dh (who knows everyone involved, and has done since before we got together) believes me, as well as my mum and uncle. these 3 wonderful people (and my nephew) are my rock and i dread to think where i would be if it wasnt for them.

i know im hijacking but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone x

UnChartered · 29/04/2013 11:52

I believe you.

my exH raped me too, with added physical violence when i was awake, and also while i was asleep.

i've never told anyone in RL about this, because i don't want to be disbelieved either, but there is one person who knows, her eyes tell me each time we meet (we never talk).

she is his DW now....

Maranello · 29/04/2013 11:55

I believe you x

AnyFucker · 29/04/2013 12:01

I believe you. I am so sorry x

OxfordBags · 29/04/2013 12:23

I believe you. Sadly, many people would rather not know the truth, to keep their life and view of the people they know the same as always. Their equilibrium matters more than caring. I think your mother's awful reaction speaks volumes about why you ended up with such a vile man Sad

And it's not strange at all that your MH has got better since leaving that rapist bastard; most, if not all, abused women are depressed (how could they not be?!) precisely because of the shit they have to put up with. But now you don't.

InLove - you are worth so much more than those people who are most decidedly not your friends. I bet if you dumped them, you'd grow in confidence enough to make new pals.

UnChartered - Sad That poor, poor woman.

NomNomDePlum · 29/04/2013 12:30

i believe you, and i'm sorry

YoniBottsBumgina · 29/04/2013 12:55

Instead of saying "my XH raped me" you could try saying "my XH used to have sex with me when I was asleep without my consent." Same thing, most likely different reactions :-( people are so afraid of the words rape or abuse even though they would most likely agree that the behaviour was wrong!

Of course you shouldn't have to censor yourself, and you should call it what you feel it is. I think it's sad that some people are so locked in their safe little worlds of "rapists/abusers are only and always scary, evil people, and therefore the normal people I know can't be rapists or abusers and so I am safe because rapists and abusers are easy to spot" that they can't actually listen to the people who they supposedly care about when they try to tell them, no, actually, it happened to me.

HumphreyCobbler · 29/04/2013 13:00

I believe you. I am so sorry.

whitesugar · 29/04/2013 13:48

Hi CK just wanted to say I believe you. This happened to two friends of mine. Anyone who thinks that its ok to rape a sleeping woman needs to take a very good look at themselves. You were really courageous to leave this man and even though there are tough times ahead things will always be better than having him in your life. Friends reactions can be really surprising. I told some friends that my EXH was violent towards me and assaulted both my kids and they simply didn't believe me. They are still great friends with my EXH. He assaulted my teenage DD recently and the police have taken the decision to prosecute him. When I told one of my DD's friend's mother who knew about the violence she said that obviously didn't happen as my EXH is so nice and wouldn't hurt a fly. There was a time that would have devastated me. Now I honestly don't give a hoot. I know what happened and my family and real friends know and fully support me. Your family and any friends who don't support you can go and f* themselves. I really wish you well for the future. You are a lot braver and more capable that you consider yourself to be. Good luck!

MummytoKatie · 29/04/2013 15:21

I think that people tend to translate your life onto their own.

So, for example, I have a very nice husband who would never ever rape me. Therefore, on one level in my mind, husbands are not rapists. Rapists are people who jump out at you from behind bushes, not my husband. The fact that the man that jumps out at you from behind a bush quite possibly goes home to his wife afterwards - and what he almost certainly does to that wife - is something I understand intellectually. But if I try and think about it emotionally it does get mixed up with the knowledge that my dh would not rape.

Does that make any sense?

Also, I think that in all marriages there are times when people have sex when they don't really feel like it. I have for lots of reasons - because it's a special occassion, because I know that dh wants to and I love him and want to make him happy, because he's had a dreadful day and it is a nice thing to do to make his day a bit better, because I was totally in the mood when we started but I suddenly feel really tired and actually can't be bothered, because we are ttcing and tonight is a really good night etc etc.

I wonder if people are thinking of the times they had sex under those circumstances and not taking in the enormous difference between what you describe and what is fairly normal in a relationship.

MummytoKatie · 29/04/2013 15:33

Another thought is that I suspect this is why rape convictions are so low.

You see a man in a dock - accused of something terrible. But he's all spruced up in a nice suit, he's clean shaven, he looks just like the nice bloke who lives 3 doors down. He's maybe even a bit handsome.

And the first thought is "why would he rape someone - he could just go to a nightclub and pull."

Because if you have a healthy attitude to sex it is hard to understand that rape is not really about sex. But about violence. And hurting someone. (I think - see below - this is not aomething I have any understanding of.)

But for someone like me - who has only ever had lovely sex with lovely boyfriends who I have loved and who have loved me - sex is "a lovely cuddle with an orgasm". And so it is very hard to make that leap.

I hope this helps a bit. I'm worried I'm being insensitive by saying this but I think the majority of poster who have replied have had a similar life experience to you. I wanted to explain how, if you have been lucky, it is hard to understand things that make no sense.

lazarusb · 29/04/2013 16:45

I believe you. Sadly too many of us have been in your shoes. It took me a long time to see it for what it was. I've only ever told dh.

YouDontWinFriendsWithSalad · 29/04/2013 17:59

I believe you. So sorry you are in this place with no support from your loved ones.

(hugs)

Original poster
ClementineKelandra · 10/05/2013 18:47

Mummytokatie. Your post is spot on tbh. Ex is very good looking, charming and generally nice. That's one of the reasons I put up with him for so long because I couldn't believe he was doing anything wrong because he was so nice to me most of the time. I use to think it must be me that was in the wrong. Part of me still feels like I must have made him act the way he did.

I really appreciate all your replies. I just wish people would believe me in real life.

OP posts:
Manchesterhistorygirl · 10/05/2013 18:50

Hand holding.

I believe you.

UnChartered · 10/05/2013 18:50

I am 'real' and i still believe you Thanks

Ledkr · 10/05/2013 18:58

My mum and sisters don't believe me either.
My mum thinks ex is a good guy cos he offered ds a kidney for a transplant he only has to have because he attacked me when pg. my mum said "I don't think that's true is it?"
I give up. Gave up. Long time ago.
I know it happened.
You know it happened.
WE BELIEVE YOU.
Work through it regardless.
Other people can't imagine what we went through. They have no idea.

namechangedatm · 10/05/2013 19:00

I feel for you, I was raped by my ex boyfriend. He raped me on my own bed when I left him and he'd come to pick up his stuff. This wasn't the first (or even second ) time I'd been raped but the time I have not told my mum about or any friends. I also didn't report it to the police like the others as I just knew it wasn't provable and TBH I feel odd as my mum and sisters really liked my ex (but my mum prefers my current dp thank god). I've been kidnapped by strangers and orally raped, gang raped as a teenager and this, they all affect me in different ways but I find exercise and my lovely petties keep me sane.

I hope you can come through this and put it to the back of your mind, hugs xxxxx

BIWI · 10/05/2013 19:10

I believe you
x

Earthworms · 10/05/2013 21:00

I believe you.

EuroShaggleton · 10/05/2013 21:03

I believe you.

Rape is an issue of consent, not marital status.

babyhammock · 10/05/2013 21:29

I've finally reported my ex for rape 2 years after we left. I've no idea what will happen now but I feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders x

UnChartered · 10/05/2013 21:35

I believe you, babyhammock

i've thought since Oxford said about exH's DW, feeling sorry for her, if i had reported my rapes, she might have been spared, but that's not MY responsibility is it? it's HIS responsibility, isn't it?

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