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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be worried or not? Really need some opinions.

78 replies

Quantumchocolate · 28/04/2013 15:43

My mind is a bit of a mess at the moment and as I have no one to talk to in real life I'd like a bit of perspective on my current situation.

To try and cut a long story short about a couple of months ago I noticed dh was regularly chatting to someone online most nights. He regularly uses his laptop at night anyway but i got suspicious when he always hid the page when I walked by. I knew he was chatting as I could see the reflection of the screen in the window behind him.

I looked as his FB page and noticed that a woman was clicking like on just about everything he posted and usually within minutes of him posting it. Anyway after delving a little deeper he tells me that he chats to this woman 6 nights out of 7. I have no idea what they are talking about and the laptop has a password. He got a new phone last autumn and he barely lets it out of his sight. It also has a password so I can't access it.

I think he chats to her through Skype and he uses a separate account to chat to her and not the family account that we both have access to.

Two weeks ago this woman decides she is coming to our city and would like to meet up with dh. I felt really uncomfortable with this but he assured me they were just friends. She lives over 2 and a half hours drive away and came with a friend. They spent 8 hours together sightseeing and going to a restaurant in the evening.

Yesterday dh announced she was coming here again. I wasn't happy and he seems to think I'm being ridiculous. He went to meet her at 1.30 and says he'll be home around 9. He didn't know if she was coming alone or not.

Dh has plenty of female friends from university and from work and it's never bothered me but i just feel really uncomfortable about this. He barely speaks to me in the evenings and I often feel invisible.

Am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
ThereGoesTheYear · 28/04/2013 19:44

It strikes me that the worst part of this is the fact that you know something is going on but he has you so tied in knots that you haven't felt able to say to him that this relationship is totally inappropriate and that he is treating you with a complete lack of respect.

carlywurly · 28/04/2013 20:23

This is definitely a big fat double bluff tactic. Xh used it on me. He worked away and used to have dinner with his colleague, and often call me from the restaurant when she was there. They now live together.
I think the blatant nature of it throws you so much you can't see clearly. Your husband is 100% taking the piss and I'm so very sorry. Hmm

AnyFucker · 28/04/2013 20:32

where has the OP gone ?

maidmarian2012 · 28/04/2013 20:44

Im so sorry OP. How dare he do this to you. The sheer audacity!!! Angry

DuchessFanny · 28/04/2013 21:13

Are you ok OP ? Been thinking about you .. Hope you're all right !

Shinigami · 28/04/2013 21:18

What a knobhead Angry you deserve better OP.

Original poster
Quantumchocolate · 28/04/2013 22:26

Thanks for all the replies, I think you've all given me that kick up the arse I needed to sort this out.

I haven't got much of an update just yet. I decided to wait until he came home because by then the dc would have been in bed. Unfortunately he came home an hour early, just as they were going to bed. I completely blanked him as I was so angry. There was no way I could discuss the matter with him when the kids were around. DS1 (9) has, among other things, severe anxiety problems and the slightest thing causes him to self harm and talk about suicide. DS is still bouncing off the walls and interrupting me every few minutes. DH went to bed an hour ago.

Looks like it'll have to wait until tomorrow.

OP posts:
SlightlyJaded · 28/04/2013 22:34

Wake him up

Ask him what the actual fuck he was thinking

He will try and make you feel ridiculous/paranoid/petty.

Ask him if it would be ok for you for you to go sightseeing and for dinner in insert city with a man you've met online.

Insist he show you his phone NOW before he has had a chance to tamper with messages

ImperialBlether · 28/04/2013 22:41

I'm another one whose depression miraculously lifted when my eyes were opened to what was really going on in my marriage.

OP, never minding all this, it must be very stressful for you caring for the children almost alone, particularly with your elder son talking about suicide. If your husband doesn't help in this situation then I really feel you'd be better off without him. There's nothing more lonely than being with someone who isn't really in the relationship.

lemonstartree · 28/04/2013 22:41

I agree, Some things are more important than letting him sleep. Will YOU sleep with this hanging over you ? thought not.. wake him up and insist you get the truth.... including his phone and access to ALL his FB accounts.

AnyFucker · 28/04/2013 22:41

Did he take his phone to bed with him ?

Go wake him up and demand he talk to you

He is using avoidance tactics

Your passivity is doing you no favours at all

postmanpatscat · 28/04/2013 22:47

He went on a date, came home and went straight to bed, leaving you to get an over-anxious, hyperactive boy to bed? What sort of a man is he? Don't let him treat you like this, you deserve better and so do your boys.

TheYoniWayIsUp · 28/04/2013 22:49

OP, I agree with others on this thread, this is making my blood boil!
WAKE HIM UP!!

On top of everything else, he's left you dealing with his child YET AGAIN!!!!

Oh my god, where do you live? I swear, if you're within a hundred miles of me I'll come round there and tell him my fucking self!!

You need to draw together every ounce of self respect you have left and kick this bastard into touch.

Fairydogmother · 28/04/2013 22:52

You poor woman Flowers

See if you can get your child to settle and then v firmly tell your cheating sod of a husband to get the fuck out! Sleeping in bed as if nothing has happened!

Mmmnotsure · 28/04/2013 23:05

DS is still bouncing off the walls and interrupting me every few minutes. DH went to bed an hour ago.

Have I got this wrong? Your dh has been out all day with a 'friend', he comes home and gets to go to bed while you are left to continue struggling on with your children. Really?

Given that he would have had a far more relaxing day (on all counts) than you, I would suggest you wake him up and share the childcare, for starters.

Looksgoodingravy · 28/04/2013 23:16

How dare he roll in and go to bed!

I too would have to wake him and tell him exactly what I thought of him and his evening out!

I'd also be tempted to check his phone after he'd gone to sleep (something I wish I'd have done sooner when similar happened to me, only thing different was I didn't know he was meeting another woman)

It sounds like he is on the slippery slope into an affair. Hiding the screen when you walk by us a tell tale sign. What is it he doesn't want you to see? You shouldn't be excluded from conversations he has with his 'friends'!

Hope you're ok OP?

cjel · 28/04/2013 23:16

Oh you poor thing. It really would be time tomorrow as soon as the dcs are out of the way to tell him he needs to go now.xxx

ImperialBlether · 28/04/2013 23:55

I would bet good money that he was on his phone/laptop, talking to her while you thought he was asleep.

I hope you find the strength to kick him out tomorrow, OP.

Shellywelly1973 · 29/04/2013 00:13

Read your post & the responses Op!

He's done a good job on you. He's a piss taker, do not put up with this crap- you deserve a million times better!

tightfortime · 29/04/2013 00:43

No this is not ok. How would he feel if you were doing same? He's manipulative and taking you for granted. If you're not welcome to meet them too, no bloody way.

scratchandsniff · 29/04/2013 03:25

Like someone else said, reading this is making my blood boil. I can't believe what an utter bastard he is. It would be bad enough if he had been out all day with an old friend and then came home and went to bed without helping, but to have been with a woman he's met online and do it, well that's taking the absolute piss. Sorry to say but he sees you as someone who puts a meal in front of him, washes his pants and cares for his children whilst he does what he likes. Didn't you say the last time he took you to a restaurant was about 11 years ago? I'm usually one for advocating trying to work things through and no rash decisions but in this case It's a big fat LEAVE THE BASTARD.

Oooh I'd like to come over and slap him round the face myself.

Mondrian · 29/04/2013 04:27

Male view - YABU to even ask. The mere presence of unknown passwords in a marriage or long term partnership is a deal breaker. What's the point if you can't even be honest with each other.

AllOverIt · 29/04/2013 04:57

YANBU. What an arsehole.

I'd kick him out.

Planetofthedrapes · 29/04/2013 05:59

I'm sorry he's done such a number on you and you are so low you can't even raise your objections.

What a horrible bastard, he really takes you for a fool.

Jemma1111 · 29/04/2013 06:28

Op, let us know how things are this morning. I hope you take on board all the advice you've been given.