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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be worried or not? Really need some opinions.

78 replies

Quantumchocolate · 28/04/2013 15:43

My mind is a bit of a mess at the moment and as I have no one to talk to in real life I'd like a bit of perspective on my current situation.

To try and cut a long story short about a couple of months ago I noticed dh was regularly chatting to someone online most nights. He regularly uses his laptop at night anyway but i got suspicious when he always hid the page when I walked by. I knew he was chatting as I could see the reflection of the screen in the window behind him.

I looked as his FB page and noticed that a woman was clicking like on just about everything he posted and usually within minutes of him posting it. Anyway after delving a little deeper he tells me that he chats to this woman 6 nights out of 7. I have no idea what they are talking about and the laptop has a password. He got a new phone last autumn and he barely lets it out of his sight. It also has a password so I can't access it.

I think he chats to her through Skype and he uses a separate account to chat to her and not the family account that we both have access to.

Two weeks ago this woman decides she is coming to our city and would like to meet up with dh. I felt really uncomfortable with this but he assured me they were just friends. She lives over 2 and a half hours drive away and came with a friend. They spent 8 hours together sightseeing and going to a restaurant in the evening.

Yesterday dh announced she was coming here again. I wasn't happy and he seems to think I'm being ridiculous. He went to meet her at 1.30 and says he'll be home around 9. He didn't know if she was coming alone or not.

Dh has plenty of female friends from university and from work and it's never bothered me but i just feel really uncomfortable about this. He barely speaks to me in the evenings and I often feel invisible.

Am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Hissy · 28/04/2013 16:34

I'd be calling a cab right now and turn up where they are.

Oh yes. For sure.

happyfreeconfused · 28/04/2013 16:34

You are seriously underplaying this. Your h has met someone online and is conducting a relationship in front of your very eyes. I can't believe his audacity nor your reaction to it!

nerofiend · 28/04/2013 16:35

Making and having female friends is OK, but excluding you from the "friendship" is wrong. Especially when he doesn't talk much to you and hasn't taken you to a restaurant in so long.

Why didn't he invite her to your house so you could all meet up and make friends?

There's something very fishy about all this. I'd be fuming. OP, you need to do something about this one asap and not let your DH get away with it.

noddyholder · 28/04/2013 16:39

I would text him to come home to get this sorted and then if he didn't put his stuff outside and let him suffer for a few days. All teh talking and eating coffee drinking should be with you

MumfordandDaughter · 28/04/2013 16:41

So you're staying at home looking after your disabled sons all day, while he gets to swan out whenever he likes? Where's your 'me' time?

I'd book myself a short break at a spa right now, pack my bags, and be prepared to leave as soon as my 'd'h came home.

And when i came back, i'd be sure to harp on about all the lovely men i 'befriended' while i was away.

He is taking the mick here enormously. Do you know anything about this other woman? Does she have kids? Whether they like it or not, you (if possible with your sons) make sure you're there on their next date and interrogate her profusely.

Madamecastafiore · 28/04/2013 16:41

Me and the kids would rock up to join him. Say I got bored and decided we should all meet daddy's friend.

Your husband is in a date with another woman.

If you don't want to fight for him it's clothes on the front lawn time, if you do it's get the kids ready, we're going out for the afternoon.

Where are you in the country, seriously mumsnet patrol should be mobilised to find out what the fucker is up to.

lovelilies · 28/04/2013 16:48

What a nob!! Mumsnet patrol would be a great idea... But seriously, you need ti put a stop to this. It's no good for you or your dsons.
Just turn up. What's the worst that could happen? YANBU for wondering wtf is going on. Good luck x

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 28/04/2013 16:49

You are being taken for an absolute fool, sorry.

I'm absolutely baffled and gobsmacked to be honest.

Upnotdown · 28/04/2013 16:51

In my book, that's a date.

Would he be OK with you doing the same?

You need to tell him you're uncomfortable - it's a really, REALLY shitty thing he's doing but if he thinks you're OK with it he's going to keep on with it. I bet that lady who's traveled a couple of hours to spend the day with him thinks it's a date...

Jemma1111 · 28/04/2013 16:58

Op, his behavior is beyond taking the piss and you would be crazy to let him get away with treating you like this.

Sorry but he could be in some hotel room with her right now (its bad enough even if he's just having dinner with her) whilst you're at home looking after his children.

If you know where he is then why not stuff his clothes into some bin bags , go there and tip them out all over him .

What a complete utter disrespectful fuckwit he is . I seriously can't see how his actions could go any lower .

piratecat · 28/04/2013 17:06

it must be the blatant manner that's confusing you op.

jeezz. what a bastard, he's lost the plot.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2013 17:06

I would seriously consider seeking legal advice first thing tomorrow. Saying to you that they are just friends is a complete insult to you.

He has checked out emotionally (and perhaps now physically) from your marriage and is now looking for other female companionship. This lady he is currently seeing fits the bill. Doubt very much she knows anything about you his wife and his two children.

MunchkinsMumof2 · 28/04/2013 17:07

I would get my dc ready and go to the coffee shop and ask wtaf is going on in a very quiet but threatening voice and refuse to leave. Good luck Op but I think you may well be better off without his toxic presence in your lives.

MadAboutHotChoc · 28/04/2013 17:13

Definitely dodgy - most affairs start out as a friendship, with several crossing of lines down the slippery slope into an affair. They are always the kind to say "it just happened" or "I don't know how it happened" Hmm

He is investing far more time, energy and effort in this friendship than in his marriage - that's crossing a HUGE line...

ChristineDaae · 28/04/2013 17:16

Chuck his stuff on the lawn and put the key in the door. What a dick. He is clearly being this 'honest' so that he can get away with doing whatever he likes. Don't stand for it! AngryOn you'd behalf!!!

Wowserz129 · 28/04/2013 17:25

I am shocked you are remaining so calm about this! I would have kicked his butt to the curb the minute he told me he was messaging another women 6 nights a week in a seperate account. What a arsehole!

OP you cannot let him walk all over you like this or this will just be the start of the lies. I would message him saying if you want to be allowed in the house when you get home I suggest you leave your little date you have going on!

GirlOutNumbered · 28/04/2013 17:25

I don't normally comment on stuff like this as there is normally so much else going on. But your post has made my blood boil!

He sends you a text saying he's out for coffee and dinner on a Sunday with someone else.

My husband would not do this, but if he did I would send a text back saying either you come home or we are getting a divorce.

You need to put a rocket up his ass. He is being a dick.

SweetSeraphim · 28/04/2013 17:32

How fucking dare he??? Angry

I agree with Wowser - send him a message telling him to come home right now.

I'm not like this either - I'm all for having friends, but this is something else and he's rubbing your face in it. Tell him.

WobblyHalo · 28/04/2013 18:13

This is wrong on so may levels!

Please do as the other posters said. Anything. But please take action.

You are worth more than this!!

lemonstartree · 28/04/2013 18:22

The more I think about this the more wrong i is. Please, do as some others have suggested and tell him if he doesn't get his arse back home immediately you will be divorcing him.

His behaviour is really really despicable

ItsAFuckingVase · 28/04/2013 18:29

Right. I have dinner alone with male friends. I'm married, some of them are single, some aren't. I don't see it as a big deal. But I have dinner with my husband too.

The difference I see with you is that your DH is replacing you with this friend. I find it odd that someone would travel 2.5hrs to meet a friend of the opposite sex that they'd met online, knowing they were married with children. I think it would be out of order to spend 6 out of 7 nights on a hobby, let alone another woman. Wouldn't be so much o an issue if it were a text here or there etc, but to actually ignore his family to engage with this woman suggests there's far more to it for your DH.

Sorry xxx

scratchandsniff · 28/04/2013 18:57

Fucking hell I can't believe what I'm reading. How are you not going ape shit?

This is an affair. It may not yet be physical but It's an affair. Sounds like he thinks if he makes it sounds like It's just a mate it is ok. If she was just a friend he would have asked her to come to the house.

He needs a big hard kick in the nuts!

SlumberingDormouse · 28/04/2013 19:05

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. I echo what everyone else has said about his behaviour being totally unacceptable.

Sorry if I've missed this but does she definitely know that your DH is married? Him telling you that he's told her doesn't count, btw. Does his Facebook profile have 'married' on it? Is his status publicly visible? If so, then she probably knows he's married. If not, I bet she doesn't. She could be an innocent victim in this if he's lied to her and she has no idea that he's married. If she's a decent person she might break it off - or at the very least scale it back a lot - if she finds out. Therefore I would message her and tell her that you are his wife and you are not comfortable with their relationship.

TurnipCake · 28/04/2013 19:18

Good fucking God! In plain sight, the sheer gall of it. I'm sorry, OP Sad

cjel · 28/04/2013 19:30

I just wanted to say that my depression left me when I left slefish controlling husband. Yours finds your family hard work?? so they are his family and what does he do to help you with your depression over the situation. I stayed 30 yrs> don't do it. text him and say very firmly that you are leaving his clothes outside and he can pick them up when he likes. This level of misery that you have now has nowhere to go while you still feels hes your H. He is not. a husband does not treat a wife like hes treating you.