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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

You know those terrible times when everything goes wrong?

31 replies

goodtimesarecoming · 26/04/2013 14:19

Need to get this all off my chest - have finally decided to split from partner of 5 years this week after he told me on Sunday he no longer loves me and prefers going out with friends. Car failed MOT today and no chance of getting another. In exam period of final year at uni and just feeling like my world is crashing down around me

OP posts:
fastdriver · 26/04/2013 14:45

Oh dear, what a rotten time you are having. This is mostly about the exams isn't it? The car thing is a nuisance, the partner thing is sad for you but at the same time you are taking control and ending a relationship that's not working for you. So in the scheme of things it's not a bad thing. It will take some adjustment after five years though.

Exams are foul and it's impossible to feel good about life during exam times. The awful feeling of having to study, the procrastination and the massive guilt about the procrastinating. The dread of the exams themselves. I feel your pain.

But when the exams are over you will feel better. If you are in your final year hopefully you will get a job and earn some money to sort out the car or buy a new one.

This has been a long winter and it's got lots of us really run-down and fed up. Spring is finally here but I still feel depleted by the winter.

Try to count your blessings and if you still feel miserable in a few days' time go and see your GP. Don't isolate yourself but make yourself stay in touch with friends even if you don't feel like it.

Hope you are feeling better soon.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/04/2013 15:24

Sorry you're going through a rough time but there's only one way to go from here.... up. Do you have friends and family to support you? Can you take even a short break during the exam period, even if it's just a stroll round the park in the sunshine?

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/04/2013 15:33

Talk to someone at the university. I broke up with ex-H during my last year and spoke to my academic tutor because my pastoral one was a numpty. She was fantastic. Still in contact now and that was a decade ago. She helped with everything.

Original poster
goodtimesarecoming · 26/04/2013 15:44

Thanks for the words of support. I have worked so hard for last 3 years and was on schedule for a first, terrified it's slipping away a bit.
Partner actually ended it I think, he's currently just blanking me and being generally unpleasant, just when I needed a bit of support. Trying to stay strong, yesterday was terrible but today is a bit better.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/04/2013 16:15

You've done the right thing. People who let you down when you need them most are not worth wasting time on. Is/was he a uni student? Was he jealous of your ambition?

Dahlen · 26/04/2013 16:29

Keep your head down and throw yourself into your studies. I had a difficult time during my finals and came out with a 1st because I used studying as my coping mechanism. It also boosted my self-esteem enormously to know that I could perform that well under those circumstances, which gave me the confidence to really go for things in life. I'm sure the same will happen for you - especially now you haven't got the deadweight of a BF hanging around. Good luck and hope you feel better soon.

Original poster
goodtimesarecoming · 26/04/2013 16:54

yes he is a student too (both mature, met on an access course) He had to repeat his second year this year so not sure if he's jealous. i have been revising all day so just hope I can pull it back

OP posts:
cluecu · 26/04/2013 18:45
Sad

I was in that situation a few years ago and even tjou I'd experienced some awful times in my life before this was by fsr the darkest.

Looking back, the key points were to confide in some very good friends and family and also I went to a counsellor.

It got pieced together again and I'm now happier than ever but I couldnt do it without help from others, emotionally.

Original poster
goodtimesarecoming · 26/04/2013 18:52

Cluecu, i don't think I can afford a counsellor but have some friends who are really helping. Have you got any tips to get through? I'm ok one minute, trying to be positive etc then suddenly start sobbing and feel lost

OP posts:
ommmward · 26/04/2013 19:27

Your uni almost certainly has a confidential counselling service. Just sayin' :)

ommmward · 26/04/2013 19:27

I mean, a free one...

Confusedhead · 26/04/2013 21:02

So sorry this is such a hard time for you, exams are so stressful without other emotional calamities to stress you more.

I think it is a great idea to get the support of a good tutor if you can, and universities often have counsellors available to students free of charge or for a very nominal charge as they are aware of the stresses that students often face at university and the financial pressures they are under. It is worth contacting student welfare to check what is available. I was lucky to have access to a phenomenal counsellor when I split up with my then partner during my post grad.

Good luck and hope things get better soon

Kernowgal · 26/04/2013 21:21

My ex was particularly awful and demanding around my final degree exams, causing me a huge amount of stress and distracting me from revising. I think a large part of it was down to his jealousy and was definitely an attempt to sabotage my results.

I went on to get a distinction and am now doing well in my career. He, however, was and remains an arsehole.

Original poster
goodtimesarecoming · 26/04/2013 22:49

Kern I love that post!!
I will definitely check out uni counselling on Monday
Thanks everyone this is really what I need

OP posts:
Skinnywhippet · 26/04/2013 22:55

Get though the exams. It's only another 2 months or so. Then you are free!

CoolCadbury · 26/04/2013 23:45

Talk to your personal tutor and your uni counsellor about what has happened.

Also, if you do badly in your exams (whether a fail or not doing as well as expected) could you look into applying for exceptional extenuating circumstances? If it is upheld it may allow you to re-sit your exams as if was the first time. Try and find out what the procedure is - you actually have to apply for it within a certain time of the results being published.

LemonPeculiarJones · 26/04/2013 23:51

Focus on your exams. Definitely sounds like nasty childish envy on his part.

He's done you a favour letting you know what a prick he is. Now you can concentrate on your own talents and opportunities Smile

Stay strong and shine.

fastdriver · 27/04/2013 00:19

I second what someone has said re extenuating circs. Flag up these issues with your uni, go and see someone 'official' and get some support, even if it's just a shoulder to cry on a bit.

Things will get better, you are about to get a degree and you've canned a bad relationship. :)

ladybrady22 · 27/04/2013 00:41

Just a note that if you are going to give any extenuating circumstances, it's much better to do this before the exam. At the university where I work, we give much greater consideration to those who have highlighted any possible issues before the exam. Then if it doesn't have an impact and you get what you hope for, it won't make any difference but it just gives a bit of a back up if you do find yourself affected during the exam.

On a separate note, what an absolute tosser of a man to put you in this situation during such an important time in your studies. He sounds jealous and resentful of your success. My ExH wentout of his way to make life hard for me just as I reached the crucial point in my PhD and couldn't even raise a smile when I eventually graduated. Fortunately, I'm now well shot of him and am enjoying the benefits of working so hard while he remains a lonely, ill-tempered cretin who still can't deal with the fact that I achieved something really important to me.

I know it's a cliche but this really is the start of the rest of your life. Put all your energy into your exams and you'll do a great job. Then in a few months you'll have your degree and you'll be free of this idiot. Who knows what great things lie in store for you? You have it all to come, just stay focussed on your exams now and take support from friends, family and of course here and everything will be okay.

Good luck!

Sunnywithshowers · 27/04/2013 00:42

YY re extenuating circs.

I'm in first year at uni and have been having marital probs - saw my lovely tutor today and he mentioned it.

Big hugs x

Earthworms · 27/04/2013 10:04

I came on to say please access fre counselling, and mention extenuating circumstances to your tutor but I see that lots of people have suggested it. My uni counsellor was amazing.

I had mental health probs around my exams ( not that of a twatty dp fortunately) and uni were fab about it. Quite happy to extend coursework deadlines, and said they were happy to reconsider any results that fell below my usual standard.

I was allowed to proceed to the next year without a pass in one subject when I wasn't fit to sit the exam. It wasn't a mark that counted to the final result so they just let it go. Like you, I had previous for getting firsts in stuff, so they were quite happy to reconsider stuff that obviously didn't fit my usual pattern.

My additional advice is to follow up any face to face convo with the tutor with an email, just so you have a record.

Earthworms · 27/04/2013 10:07

Oh, can the counselling was accessed as a drop in service, I didn't even need an appointment for the first contact.

I just turned up and they were amazing.

margaritathatcher · 27/04/2013 10:28

Poor you!

It's tough but you can get through this because you are strong! Just try to forget the man and concentrate on you. Get lots of sleep, eat properly and take care of yourself. You CAN get a first. Work hard and do your best. It will all be over in a few months and then the world is your oyster... Grin

Original poster
goodtimesarecoming · 27/04/2013 10:35

I am sleeping really well at last which is helping. Had no contact at all which is I think the only way to get through, revised all day yesterday and emailed the uni counselling people. These comments are really helping, thanks!

OP posts:
cluecu · 27/04/2013 12:43

Sorry I couldn't post again last night. Brilliant that you emailed the counselling. Taking steps like that are you taking control and you deserve a pat on back Smile

No contact with ex will speed up the healing process. The hole that he's left will heal and be filled with other things and people. You have lots to look forward to xxx