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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Massive decision

20 replies

mummytasha11 · 24/04/2013 21:53

Hi everybody

Just looking for a bit of advice really..

Me and exfiance of 9 years broke up two months ago - very shock split as we had our wedding booked in August this year. Suddenly turned around and said didn't want this/us anymore and packed his stuff and gave me his key back.

First few weeks were hell with me doing everything to try and reconcile but he was not willing at all. Now all of a sudden he wants to give things another go, says we were great together and that he realised life was better when he was with me, blah blah.

Thing is now I don't know if I want him back? He humiliated me and broke me when he walked out and now almost like he wants to pretend it never happened and go back to being happy families.

He works away so haven't had opportunity for a face to face talk yet...

OP posts:

Xales · 24/04/2013 21:58

Colour me a suspicious old hag but where was he those couple of months?

If you think you can regain your trust in him and start a new relationship I would take it very slowly and don't let him move in for a very very long time until you are sure.

If you don't want him back, his tough shit, he did this.

Good luck /hugs

mrspaddy · 24/04/2013 21:58

I wouldn't rush back.. I don't know how you could fully trust him again. That's not to day he genuinely just got cold feet and deeply regrets it. I would move on. I know nine years is a long time. It will always be there that pain he caused. I was with a man who couldn't fully commit for a long time...years. It was really hard to finally accept it was all over (turns out he didn't want children). I got engaged to my now husband one year on. What started out as the worst year of my life ended as my best. My husband had been in the background for years but I didn't see it. I couldn't have met anyone better.

I don't know does that help or give hope, but maybe take the risk and break free. Really wish you the best.. I know the pain .. big hugs xxxxx

Hassled · 24/04/2013 22:02

There's no rush in this - take your time in deciding. And yes, what has happened in his life in the last 2 months? You need to know. It may be that there's some part of you which will never be able to forgive him for the pain he caused you, and that's absolutely reasonable; it may be that you can get past this together, that this was just a blip. But just don't rush.

AuntieStella · 24/04/2013 22:03

If you don't know for sure that you want him back, then don't have him. You cannot go back to what it was like before. You have to decide whether he fits in with the new you.

How have you been getting on without him around?

You probably do need to hear his reasons for both leaving (fully and properly explained) and for changing his mind about it. And what he has learned about himself, and decide. whether you like it. Youcan do this on. 'no guarantee' basis - and indeed take your time in deciding if he's worth it. It's a bit like going back to square one of dating - you are re-auditioning this man for a role in your life. You need to see the new version of him in a good range of situations (including old flashpoints, if there were any). And judge by his actions, not his protestations.

Original poster

mummytasha11 · 24/04/2013 22:10

He has been working away - he is in the forces. I just don't think I could ever trust him again and there would always be a doubt in my mind.

He did this to me 3 years ago when I was pregnant with our ds but we worked through it and got the trust back but I just don't know if I can or want to this time?

As hard as it is I feel like we cant really go anywhere from here.

Such a shame because he's all I have ever known and I was 100 percent committed
To him.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 24/04/2013 22:12

No, he's scuppered his chances. He didn't wibble and ask whether you should go ahead. He said he didn't want you. He didn't want to live with you or to marry you. Now after two months apart, he's changed his mind, after humiliating you, letting you beg, telling you he's not interested.

I would be wondering whether he'd had someone else (particularly if he's working away) but ultimately would think it was over.

I'm sorry he behaved like that but I'm glad he wants you now - all the better when you tell him where to go.

ImperialBlether · 24/04/2013 22:13

He's done this twice? That's terrible. You can't possibly take him back. You'd be living on eggshells and (I'm sorry) I think it wouldn't last.

Original poster

mummytasha11 · 24/04/2013 22:15

I know that I would be walking on egg shells and know I couldn't ever know he wasn't going to do it again possibly when/if we decided to have another baby...

I feel guilty for feeling like this though like if he wants to get back then I should...

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 24/04/2013 22:20

He leaves you alone with a child, with no explanation, cruelly, and then he returns pretending nothing's happened and all you say is "IF HE WANTS TO GET BACK THEN I SHOULD"?

What are you, a doormat?

Original poster

mummytasha11 · 24/04/2013 22:23

Distance...

This is the thing, in every other aspect of my life I can be strong and independent but when it comes to him I suppose I'm just scared of the unknown

I know I can't take him back because I Would be exactly that.

It's just hard to close the book on our relationship.

OP posts:

Xales · 24/04/2013 22:23

He has done it before! How could you ever trust him again. I think you know yourself well to know you would be walking on egg shells and don't want to.

As for feeling guilty. He didn't when he dumped you and you spent the first few weeks trying to reconcile.

It seems that it is only when you have started adjusting slightly that he suddenly wants you back.

It isn't fair on your child for him to blow hot and cold when he feels like it.

DistanceCall · 24/04/2013 22:26

If you stay with this man, you'll be giving up on millions of other possibilities. Like getting your own life, having a happy relationship with someone who doesn't treat you like a turd, having children with someone who won't leave at the drop of a hat. Have you considered that?

And I agree with Xales. It's not fair on your child either.

DistanceCall · 24/04/2013 22:27

Of course the unknown is frightening. But the known, in this case, is utter shit.

MorphandChas · 24/04/2013 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BasilBabyEater · 24/04/2013 22:38

This man knows he can control you doesn't he?

He ups and leaves with no warning at all and then casually tells you he fancies moseying on back in again and he knows you'll meekly accept it. Or at least he thinks he knows you'll meekly accept it.

He has no respect for you at all and if you take him back, he never will have.

I think you deserve a lot, lot better. And I think you need to go to counselling to find out why you've been accepting so very little from your relationship and to build up your self-esteem and expectations of what you are entitled to from a relationship. You say he's all you've ever known - is there a bit of an age difference there? It sounds like he has an uncommon hold over you - you 100% committed to him and he not even remotely committed to you.

You've done without him for 2 months. The first shock and pain has passed, you've gone through that barrier and you haven't collapsed, you can go through more now. Don't throw away what you've already achieved - a life free from him with the possibility of finding someone who actually values you and the beginnings of a self-respect for having stood up for yourself and fought for something better than this crap. And to be clear, being single is better than being with someone who takes you for granted and thinks you're there to pick up and drop when he feels like.

Original poster

mummytasha11 · 25/04/2013 09:10

Thank you everybody. Read through all the posts this morning and its just reaffirmed what I was already thinking.
Just hope I don't regret the decision in years to come.

OP posts:

VoiceofUnreason · 25/04/2013 09:12

OP - I believe it is rare for people to look back in later years and regret deciding not to be a doormat and to stop letting someone who is supposed to love them taking them for granted and treating them like shit.

CarpeVinum · 25/04/2013 09:20

I wasted 10 years of my life on a man who was this way inclined.

I came to believe it was a form of power games. I was always the one wrong footed and walking on eggshells in case I unwittingly became unloveable without realising it, again. Living with theotential for my world to be turned upside down all the time made me massively insecure and unable to enjoy my now. It was like there was always the potentially for a Hurricane to hit my life without notcie, so I didn't make plans, or think ahead, or any of the othet normal stuff people to to grow and make their life more satisfying. It was like living with one ear out for the wail of the bomb siren all the time.

Twenty years down the line, and he is doing the same thing to somebody else, with a trail of other women in his wake with similar expereinces after falling for him.

Xenia · 25/04/2013 09:57

If you think it won't work out there may be merit in marrying this father of your child as he probably earns more than you do and has a forces pension. Your financially position is much much better if you marry and divorce.

Cherriesarelovely · 25/04/2013 10:05

He's done this twice now? No, I wouldn't trust him again. Well done for being strong. Honestly, imo it is far healthier and happier being on your own than being with the wrong person. Good luck, you sound lovely.

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